To have walked out of a film as friend was sleeping through it

[maketheworldgoaway]

I was a bit unreasonable but I'm handing this over to the MN jury.

I've been friends with my BF for 20 years. There are lots of lovely things about him but sometimes I feel I'm in a controlling relationship!.

Back a few months ago he told me he thought my world is a bit small and there are lots of things he'd like to do with me that I say no to. This is true. There are lots of things he's suggested that I have no interest in but we see each other at least once a week anyway.

I was upset at the time but then thought maybe I should be more open minded and spontaneous so this year I've made an effort to say yes to more invitations.

We had dinner on Monday and he asked me to see a film today with him and his partner. I had no interest in seeing the film but he said his partner really wanted to see it and really wanted me to come so I agreed.

Today we went for brunch in the venue he wanted at the time he wanted even though I told him it would be difficult for me to get there at that time.

When we walked into the cinema his partner said 'I hope you enjoy the film because I'm not a fan'. Turned out friend had told me and his partner that the other really wanted to go and wanted the other to come.

I felt really pissed off at being manipulated but didn't want to cause a scene so went into the film. Friend fell asleep straight away and after 30 mins watching a shit film with him asleep I couldn't be arsed to watch the rest so woke him up and said I was leaving. I wasn't angry and I gave him a kiss and quietly left.

I sent a text after apologising for being rude but said I was bored and he was asleep so I wanted to leave.

He's now ignoring my texts and calls and I feel that yes I was rude but not as rude as him!.

Who's U here?.

Hmm yeah, I hate to say his OP but your mum is right.

I don't think anything like bed-sharing is weird, that's just silly squeamish MN-ery, but I have known relationships like this, with the gay man parasitically occupying the position of boyfriend within the woman's life and effectively holding her back from growing and forming other life-relationships. It's a familiar pattern and I think the word that you're needing here is co-dependency. And controlling is the key. You'll notice that he's the one finding a partner and moving forward, while you're stuck in a lifestyle suited to a woman in her twenties. I wouldn't cut ties if you don't want to but definitely put a load of distance into the relationship. If you are hoping to find a DP of your own you need to stop enabling this friendship put your life on hold. HTH.

OP, your mum is right. This guy is occupying enough of your relationship space that there isn't room for a partner. I had a male friend like this and oddly enough shortly after I met DH he and I had a horrible acrimonious falling-out and never spoke again. Looking back it really was him or DH and I'm so glad I chose DH.

Oh and with this male friend, oddly enough being friends with me didn't seem to stop him having partners but I never seemed to. I wonder if this has anything to do with the way women are always socialised to do the emotional heavy lifting in relationships. (Witness the way it's always the OP apologising here, even when her friend is the one in the wrong.)

Yes, my Mum and all of you are right. The weird thing is, I wouldn't put up with this sort of controlling and manipulative behaviour in a partner so I have no idea why I've put up with it in a friend!.

stuck in a lifestyle suited to a woman in her twenties

Nice way to dismiss everyone who is single past the age of 30.

I quite enjoyed Dad's Army.

Hi everyone,

We're just sweeping this great thread over into films. OP please do shout if this is a problem for you.

@SandyMumsnet

Hi everyone,

We're just sweeping this great thread over into films. OP please do shout if this is a problem for you.

Whoops -popping it back
Thanks

I wouldn't watch Dad's Army if it was on the TV for more than 2 minutes. Your 'friend' sounds selfish and manipulative, and it's about time someone told him that life isn't all about him and what he wants.

I hope he is still not texting you, that is the best outcome for you I think. Find another friend who is mentally healthy, not so needy/egotistical, and who won't eat into every spare moment you get.