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Original poster

To have walked out of a film as friend was sleeping through it

85 replies

maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 14:49

I was a bit unreasonable but I'm handing this over to the MN jury.

I've been friends with my BF for 20 years. There are lots of lovely things about him but sometimes I feel I'm in a controlling relationship!.

Back a few months ago he told me he thought my world is a bit small and there are lots of things he'd like to do with me that I say no to. This is true. There are lots of things he's suggested that I have no interest in but we see each other at least once a week anyway.

I was upset at the time but then thought maybe I should be more open minded and spontaneous so this year I've made an effort to say yes to more invitations.

We had dinner on Monday and he asked me to see a film today with him and his partner. I had no interest in seeing the film but he said his partner really wanted to see it and really wanted me to come so I agreed.

Today we went for brunch in the venue he wanted at the time he wanted even though I told him it would be difficult for me to get there at that time.

When we walked into the cinema his partner said 'I hope you enjoy the film because I'm not a fan'. Turned out friend had told me and his partner that the other really wanted to go and wanted the other to come.

I felt really pissed off at being manipulated but didn't want to cause a scene so went into the film. Friend fell asleep straight away and after 30 mins watching a shit film with him asleep I couldn't be arsed to watch the rest so woke him up and said I was leaving. I wasn't angry and I gave him a kiss and quietly left.

I sent a text after apologising for being rude but said I was bored and he was asleep so I wanted to leave.

He's now ignoring my texts and calls and I feel that yes I was rude but not as rude as him!.

Who's U here?.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2016 15:30

I wouldn't accept a friend lying to me, in this way.

It's good to get out of your comfort zone, but it's strange that he's pushing you to do this, when he has a partner.

Are you female? It seems a bit odd and the last situation that I knew of like this, the friend was being used to cover up an affair.

Birdsgottafly · 07/02/2016 15:31

X post.

You've got every right to challenge him on the waste of your time and money.

MissBattleaxe · 07/02/2016 15:34

No, he sounds like a condescending manipulative twat. You don't need a friendship like this.

saoirse31 · 07/02/2016 15:35

Its not necessarily good to get out of ur comfort zone in ur leisure time if u don't want to, tbh. He's not a friend, he's a pain in the are.

GloriousGoosebumps · 07/02/2016 15:35

He sounds controlling, which would make me weary. The good news is that when he makes any further suggestions about you widening your world you can turn them down with a timely reminder about him insisting you see this film and then falling asleep as soon as the film started.

As for you apologising to him and then chasing him when he doesn't respond; stop it immediately. It's giving him power plus he owes you an apology for manipulating and guilting you into seeing a film you have no interest in. His partner seems to have more self belief as he/she simply walked away from the film.

Ohfourfoxache · 07/02/2016 15:36

Sounds like a controlling, manipulative twat.....

PegsPigs · 07/02/2016 15:37

I'm not sure about unreasonable but this is just weird. He wanted to spend time with you and for you to spend time with his partner so you go to the cinema which everyone knows is somewhere you don't actually talk to other people in. And they both fell asleep because actually it seems no one wanted to watch the film! I can sleep in my own bed or on the sofa. I'm not sure I'd pay the exorbitant price of cinema tickets to have a kip next to a friend. Most odd. So no I don't think YABU.

Original poster
maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 15:40

I am female and when we met we were part of a big circle of friends who over the years got married and had kids and friend and I, him being gay and me being always single (not always but never in a LTR) were always viewed as a twosome.

The dynamic has always been weird. He's been with his partner for a few years but didn't do much together as partner viewed me as friends 'fag hag' and thought the dynamic was weird. Which it is but the last year, partner has wanted us to do stuff together - he's even suggested holidays together which I said no to as I thought it might be a bit weird.

And that's one of the things friend got upset about hence me wanting to say yes to offers and appreciate partner wanting to spend time with me.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2016 15:48

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable. he is rude about you as a person and what you want to do WITH YOUR LIFE, he lied and manipulated you and his partner and then he fell asleep at the cinema in a film he wanted you to see. In your shoes I woudl simply text and say let's draw a line under this now and enjoy the friendship for what we both bring to it. If he did not reply (ever) I would leave him off my Christmas list and look for new friends. I do understand 20 years is a long time to

To be honest ...he thought my world is a bit small and there are lots of things he'd like to do with me that I say no to. this sounds like he sees you as some sort of project to widen your horizons, unless you are very young and would like your horizons widened I would tell him to accept me as I was or make some new more exciting friends.

Which film was it?

MrsJayy · 07/02/2016 15:48

The friend ship sounds exhausting and dramatic has it always been this way what a hoha

BlueMoonRising · 07/02/2016 15:56

Do you know for sure the partner wanted you to go on holidays together? After all, you thought he wanted you to go to the film..

Whycantweallgetalong · 07/02/2016 16:01

thanks for replying OP. Dad's fecking army Shock ohdear OP, you are such a good friend, he doesn't know how lucky he is. Dump him!

SoupDragon · 07/02/2016 16:09

but the last year, partner has wanted us to do stuff together - he's even suggested holidays together which I said no to as I thought it might be a bit weird.

Random thought... Do they want to start a family and have you in mind as the mother?

Anyway, no you weren't at all rude.

Original poster
maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 16:09

Italian - you're so right. That's how it felt, that he thought I was a bit of a sad hermit but it was all about him and what he wanted me to do.

Partner definitely wanted us to holiday together because he suggested it face to face. I said no because I thought it might be a) I'm seen as a sad late 30 s singleton who should be pitied or I think more likely b ) they've been together a long time and are perhaps a bit bored/annoyed by each other so wanted a fun kind of 'buffer' on holiday to make that less obvious. But I feel like a bitch saying that as it was a sweet offer?.

OP posts:
Original poster
maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 16:11

Soup - definitely not. Neither of them want children. They have a luxurious lifestyle and neither would be interested in kids.

OP posts:
springscoming · 07/02/2016 16:12

The lying and manipulation would be unacceptable for me.I'd noot bother to be in touch again.

Viviennemary · 07/02/2016 16:18

It was a bit rich of him to fall asleep since he was the only one of the three of you who wanted to see the film. If the friendship is to continue don't go to any more events you don't want to but if something interesting comes up then go if you feel like it. He sounds like it has to be his way or no way.

pigsDOfly · 07/02/2016 16:23

If he think seeing Dads' Army is widening your horizons and enhancing your world, then he needs dumping just for that.

Does he lie a lot to get people to do what he wants? Not sure I could be bothered with him.

Original poster
maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 16:39

Pigs - that's the thing. It wasn't 'you should join a yoga class ' or anything. It was 'you should do things I want you to do'.

After that I didn't contact him and after two weeks (we usually text daily or every other day) he caved and contacted me but it was a normal text and not an apology. I thought he'd maybe realised after years of me chasing him and apologising when he was often in the wrong that I'd be willing to walk away and he realised that and wouldn't take that for granted anymore.

He's never apologised for anything so I realise that's how he is so I knew him initiating contact after weeks was an olive branch even though it wasn't an apology.

I won't apologise this time and won't initiate any more contact but the thing is, my life IS small. And I honestly don't feel lonely or sad. I have other friends but not ones i'd ever see every week. He's been so present in my life for so long that it'll be weird without him.

My parents ask after him and buy presents for him at Xmas and birthdays and he does them. In a weird way (I know it's weird!) he's been considered as my sort of partner for years.

OP posts:
Lightbulbon · 07/02/2016 16:53

Have you ever considered that the reason you're single is because this man is taking up so much emotional space in your life?

Daily texts is more than people in relationships.

That isn't very appealing to a potential partner.

Ditch this non friend and put your energy into a relationship you can actually nurture into a respectful partnership.

Grilledaubergines · 07/02/2016 16:54

Sounds as though the friendship is in name only.

people change, lives change. My time to move on I think.

Grilledaubergines · 07/02/2016 16:55

Not 'my' obviously. Not sure why I flung that in.

228agreenend · 07/02/2016 16:59

Hno, you were not rude. You informed him you were leaving, and apologised, and then sent him another apology later. He is now acting like a petulant toddler who didn't get his own way.

I would perhaps send him one more friendly 'let's meet up fotr coffee' text, and let him chase you. He sounds like hard work, and demanding.

SuperFlyHigh · 07/02/2016 17:02

FFS dump this friend.

I was good platonic friends with a male friend for 7 years (we dated for 3 months at his request at the end of the friendship).

I strongly feel now that this male friend hindered me from meeting nice men (he was always telling me x, y and z of my boyfriends weren't right).

I'd run a million miles from this man and don't look back.

Original poster
maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 17:06

Light - my Mum has said that for years!. She thinks I can't have a romantic relationship when I already seem to have an important man in my life.

Friend has always HATED anyone I dated and never did anything to sabotage it but was pleased when it ended.

My Mum thinks I don't have space in my life for a relationship when a man (gay) is already there fulfilling all my needs (except sexual).

OP posts: