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Relationships

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Original poster

To have walked out of a film as friend was sleeping through it

85 replies

maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 14:49

I was a bit unreasonable but I'm handing this over to the MN jury.

I've been friends with my BF for 20 years. There are lots of lovely things about him but sometimes I feel I'm in a controlling relationship!.

Back a few months ago he told me he thought my world is a bit small and there are lots of things he'd like to do with me that I say no to. This is true. There are lots of things he's suggested that I have no interest in but we see each other at least once a week anyway.

I was upset at the time but then thought maybe I should be more open minded and spontaneous so this year I've made an effort to say yes to more invitations.

We had dinner on Monday and he asked me to see a film today with him and his partner. I had no interest in seeing the film but he said his partner really wanted to see it and really wanted me to come so I agreed.

Today we went for brunch in the venue he wanted at the time he wanted even though I told him it would be difficult for me to get there at that time.

When we walked into the cinema his partner said 'I hope you enjoy the film because I'm not a fan'. Turned out friend had told me and his partner that the other really wanted to go and wanted the other to come.

I felt really pissed off at being manipulated but didn't want to cause a scene so went into the film. Friend fell asleep straight away and after 30 mins watching a shit film with him asleep I couldn't be arsed to watch the rest so woke him up and said I was leaving. I wasn't angry and I gave him a kiss and quietly left.

I sent a text after apologising for being rude but said I was bored and he was asleep so I wanted to leave.

He's now ignoring my texts and calls and I feel that yes I was rude but not as rude as him!.

Who's U here?.

OP posts:

CottonFrock · 07/02/2016 17:10

Christ, I thought this was going to involve an exasperated friend desperately trying to induce you to eat sonewhere other than Nando's because you 'didn't like foreign food' or something. If his idea of 'doing things out of your comfort zone' is forcing you to see Dad's bloody Army, then I despair.

I would be wondering why he's always trying to get you to join in his interests/holidays/relationship. Does he actually think you are a tragic hermit, or is just oblivious to your different priorities?

CottonFrock · 07/02/2016 17:17

X-post, OP. I suspect your mother is talking out of old-fadhioned ideas about men and women not being able to be friends. My mother, 70, also thinks it's entirely normal for women to withdraw completely from all friendships after marriage, because she thinks women only need other women to go on nights out to meet men, so once you've bagged a chap, you wave good bye to your female friends. She would think your friendship was distinctly odd and not aiding your marriage prospects. But she has some very odd ideas.

I do think your friend sounds like a bit of a vampire. Of course he disapproves of your boyfriends because they absorb your time and energy. What's in this friendship for you, other than watching in irritation while two men snore through Dad's Army.

Trills · 07/02/2016 17:18

never did anything to sabotage it

Not anything overt, but I bet he was not supportive.

IguanaTail · 07/02/2016 17:19

Totally missed the bit when you woke him and said you were leaving. In that case of course he gets all the Arse points.

Trills · 07/02/2016 17:21

How does spending time with him make your life better?

QuietWhenReading · 07/02/2016 17:23

He sounds rude, dishonest and selfish from what you've said.

I'd seriously limit contact or start standing up from yourself.

Or both.

Original poster

maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 17:28

Cotton - I don't think my Mum is viewing this as an old fashioned thing. I think she's been really accepting of modern relationships so friend and I were always 'plus 1' for weddings etc and I've attended as friends plus 1 for lots of his activities even when he's had a partner because partner didn't want to go.

And when together at events we hold hands etc which isn't that weird for gay man/straight woman relationship and we'd share a double room and sleep together. Nothing sexual but cuddles do occur.

My Mum feels like friend fulfils my social needs and affection needs too. And he has. And that's why the dynamic has always been weird and why my Mum thinks he's taking a space in my life which should be fulfilled by a partner.

OP posts:

PitPatKitKat · 07/02/2016 17:34

I had a friend a bit like that, also gay although I'm not sure if that is relevant or not. He had a long term partner who was very emotionally unavailable, and so used me & a few other friends (some female, some former partners- ) as emotional "top-ups" for want of a better phrase. He showered attention on his partner, didn;t receive as much in return and so looked to others to shore up his self-esteem/make him the centre of attention I think.

Started getting a bit weird when I realised he thought I was friends with him because I fancied him but couldn't have him. Really we had been colleagues in a big office in London, gotten on well then and hailed from neighbouring home towns so had a bit in common. He didn't really understand you could just be friends because you liked someone's personality- there had to be a sexual attraction element.

It got draining, and he got a bit funny when I met a steady partner (now DH) as I was less emotionally available to him. Changed to "we're going to see X film, you can come if you want" rather than "what film do you fancy" type of conversations. So I let it drift a bit.

There ensued a bit of drama around affairs etc in a combined effort to fill the emotional void his partner leaves and to attract attention from his wearied friends. I did supportive a couple of times, finally read the riot act. e.g. Sort your life out, either make a real go of it with long term partner (who did show love/affection just in a more understated way) and accept him for who he is, or make the break and find someone who suits you better. I then exited.

Last I heard, he and his long term partner are still together, but long term partner is fine with him having a series of short term boyfriends (who are incorporated into weekend activities etc so they form a three, although they aren't a sexual three IYSWIM). To each their own.

Youarentkiddingme · 07/02/2016 17:37

Jeez he sounds needy. He has a DP yet still feels like you should be spontaneous and do stuff with him that he choses - even though they aren't to both your liking.

Surely that kind of thing is for him and his DP. You are old friends and should meeting on common ground already established.

Why is he so needy of your time? Any chance he actually wants you and doesn't want you off meeting new people whilst he's off with his DP?

Olddear · 07/02/2016 17:37

You sound like Will and Grace

Original poster

maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 17:40

I just realised that 'cuddles occur' sounds a bit weird. It isn't and never has been.

He's a gay man and even if he wasn't I would never be sexually attracted to him but as friends we can share a bed and cuddle talking about our day/night.

OP posts:

Original poster

maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 17:42

Old - it has been said we're like Will and Grace but we're more like Jack and Karen!

OP posts:

Original poster

maketheworldgoaway · 07/02/2016 17:47

Trills - you're right. He didn't sabotage but wasn't supportive at all. And when men I was dating said nice things he'd challenge it and say they were just desperate for sex.

I realise this is shit. It's obvious when written down.

OP posts:

Blu · 07/02/2016 18:02

I too am LOL-ing at your horizons being expanded by seeing Dads Army.

The two of them are treating you like a pet .

Czerny88 · 07/02/2016 18:09

Doesn't seem that big a deal to me. Ok, you were being slightly petulant, but you didn't leave him on his own and he was, after all, fast asleep! Can't he have a sense of humour about it?

kawliga · 07/02/2016 18:23

I think it's weird to cuddle in bed with a friend - I have shared a bed with close friends talking about our day, but we didn't cuddle each other in the bed

Cuddling on the sofa while watching a film with a friend and cosying up together is fine. Getting in bed together, and then cuddling...not so much.

SuperFlyHigh · 07/02/2016 19:40

kawliga I actually shared a bed with my best male platonic friend (never thought to ask why couldn't I sleep on the sofa (he lived in a shared house) but he did the same when he stayed at my house too. One time I noticed in bed he was asleep he apparently grabbed hold of me (in his sleep) but I was sleeping with my back to him and when I asked him about it he was fairly nonchalant but said (I knew) that he'd broken up with his GF recently and wanted a cuddle.

Years later I found out from the man who owned the house (houseshare and a friend of my friends that they'd assumed we were dating even though we both didn't say and made out we were friends). A few people we know thought we dated though we didn't and even then for 3 months before we ended our friendship.

A boyfriend of mine (God only knows why I did this) when I mentioned I stayed over and shared a bed with my male friend (even when I was dating the boyfriend) went mad and made an issue out of this (rightly so) but my male friend made out the boyfriend was being ridiculous and jealous. I did stop the sleepovers but still saw the male platonic friend, boyfriend was still not happy!

TheWernethWife · 07/02/2016 19:42

BF sounds like a bloody drama llama - definitely cool it a bit now, sounds like there are three of you in this relationship.

Lightbulbon · 07/02/2016 19:50

The bed sharing is weird!

Imagine a woman came on here saying her new male dp slept in the same bed as his lesbian best friend.

Everyone would tell her to run for the hills!

kawliga · 07/02/2016 20:09

when I asked him about it he was fairly nonchalant but said (I knew) that he'd broken up with his GF recently and wanted a cuddle.

superfly I can understand that sometimes someone just wants a cuddle. I think it's the location of the cuddle (in bed together) that I find strange. Why didn't your friend just ask you for a hug when you were not in bed together? Same question goes for OP.

Blu · 07/02/2016 20:12

"The bed sharing is weird!

Imagine a woman came on here saying her new male dp slept in the same bed as his lesbian best friend."

I used to share a bed, and cuddle, with my gay best friend all the time, even when he had a partner, who I was also v good friends with - while I was single.

Blu · 07/02/2016 20:13

But we treated each other like a pet - hence my previous comment.

imaginarypeople · 07/02/2016 20:32

YADNBU regarding the film, I would have left once the partner mentioned they didn't like it and the manipulation behind organising the trip.

I do agree with the pp's and you should use this chance to step back from this relationship, it doesn't sound healthy for you or him. Why does he get to dictate what you do or who you see? I suspect he is angry/not responding this time because he was expecting you to go along with his idea like usual.

Holding hands is something quite intimate that I just couldn't do with a friend, even if there was no attraction. Regardless of the fact he is gay, I don't think he should be holding hands with anyone but his partner, or sharing a bed with anyone else. It's blurring the lines and preventing you from seeking that emotional connection with someone you are dating.

If you still want to be friends, I'd definitely nip that in the bud, no texting, no cuddling, sharing the bed, surely now most hotels can swap the room for twin beds or you could take it in turns to sleep on sofa/bed for future events. Or don't have each other down as plus ones, why doesn't his partner support him for events or come with him?

SuperFlyHigh · 07/02/2016 21:57

kawliga spooning in bed with me and wanting a cuddle.... As soon as he did it i tensed up I actually thought he was coming into me and then I got myself away and moved!

A cuddle is fine but not necessarily in bed, also I know now since then he had taken me to specific places he would only ever take girlfriends (romantic ones as he had other platonic female friends) yet I was the only one to go to these specific places yet we were not dating! He was confused on that score, it confused me too as I always thought we were more brother and sister.

kawliga · 07/02/2016 22:16

Ok, superfly actually I wouldn't describe that as a cuddle, that's more like almost having sex

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