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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP no longer wants sex

73 replies

barkinginessex · 07/02/2016 14:41

I know it's probably been done to death but I'm sitting here utterly miserable and just don't know what to do.
DP has no interest in sex with me, I suspect he mastubates to porn every morning. I get up earlier than him and when I go up to the bedroom to get dressed after getting ready downstairs he always has loads of used tissues on his bedside table (sorry if TMI).
I found some porn on the laptop too.
I don't know if I should confront or just keep quiet.
We are both early 30's, no kids yet but would like to start trying in the next year.
I feel like everywhere I turn there's sex, on TV and adverts and I really feel like I'm missing out.
I feel that sex is important to a relationship as without it we are just like housemates!
I don't know what to do, it's making me feel like there's something wrong with me .

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 07/02/2016 14:44

Why can't you talk to him about it?

category12 · 07/02/2016 14:48

Does he really want kids? Just wondering if the family planning for next year has changed things for him and he either doesn't want any or has some issues.

What does he say when you talk about it?

YakTriangle · 07/02/2016 14:56

You need to speak to him. You can't have a future with someone who you can't talk to about this.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/02/2016 15:00

No need to "confront". A gentle and straightforward enquiry should be enough if you're a solid couple and both see a long-term future together. Most especially if there was a decent sex-life in the past. "There's been no sex between us for x time. But I know you've been viewing porn and suspect you've been having sex with yourself on a regular basis. Why is this?"

What would keeping quiet result in? More of the same. Is that what you want? Early 30s is far, far too young to resign yourself to a sexless relationship.

Original poster

barkinginessex · 07/02/2016 15:10

Thank you for your replies.
I agree 30 is too young to stop having sex.
I find it hard to talk to DP about our relationship, I know he will be embarrassed that I know he is mastubating but the tissues are a big giveaway.
He's a closed book, never talks about emotions and I feel he takes me for granted.
I've tried to 'get him the mood' but he just shrugs me off. Last time we did have sex it was over pretty quickly and was definitely 'porn star' style so I think it's affecting how he views me and sex.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 07/02/2016 15:19

If he was really embarrassed about wanking then he'd be flushing his spunky tissues down the toilet.

I think you're in a for a lifetime of frustration, bitterness, regret and low self-esteem if you stay with this man. If you had DC already then I'd suggest opening the relationship if it allowed you to stay together amicably, but why bother shackling yourself to someone who doesn't want sex with you, before there are any DC to think about?

LeaLeander · 07/02/2016 15:26

I'd refrain from having kids with a closed book who won't talk to me and is not sexually attracted to me. Is that what you want to be tied to for decades to come?

AyeAmarok · 07/02/2016 15:33

Sounds to me like he's ruining himself with porn.

If you're masturbating to porn every day, you forget what real sex is like. In porn there is very little foreplay and it's straight to the graphic sex acts. In comparison, real life wswx with a woman that you (supposedly care about) probably seems like too much effort. Much easier to forget about the woman's pleasure and only focus on his own.

I'd suggest you need to talk to him. Ask him to stop with the porn as it's negatively affecting your relationship. If he refuses then the relationship is doomed anyway so just walk away.

ImperialBlether · 07/02/2016 15:35

Most people have more sex before they have children. If you ever managed to get pregnant, I would put good money on his never having sex with you again. He'll have the 'death grip' too, which won't help.

AyeAmarok · 07/02/2016 15:39

Wswx? Sex, that was meant to be.

CityMole · 07/02/2016 15:40

If you can't talk about something as basic as this, I can't see how you are going to manage being parents together (not to mention the slight issue with conception - turkey baster?) All joking aside, he needs to open up to you. This is vital. I left a marriage for this reason- by the time I managed to get him talking about it and both of us into psychosexual therapy with relate, it was actually too late as I saw him as nothing more than a brother- and its very hard to get past that point once you reach it. Please do not delay, especially if you want children.

Original poster

barkinginessex · 07/02/2016 15:48

I love him so much but I already feel we are straying into friends territory. We've been together 7 years and our sex life has only dwindled in the last 12 months, it makes me sad as it used to be great.
I know I need to talk to him and prepare for the end. Maybe he will be relieved.
We barely talk about anything anymore, he spends all evening playing clash of clans (or whatever it's called) and I get one word answers if I try and talk to him when he's playing that. I've suggested we go away next weekend but he reacted with indifference.

OP posts:

mrsfuzzy · 07/02/2016 15:59

what happened 7 years ago ? something must have triggered this.

mrsfuzzy · 07/02/2016 16:00

sorry, 12 month ago ?

CityMole · 07/02/2016 16:01

barking, I could hug you, this is all so familiar. In case it helps I can tell you my situation- I left my marriage in my 30s, divorced by 35, a year later got together with dp, and I am 40 next week and am 28 weeks pregnant with our first- potentially only- child. I am finally so happy in a loving, talkative and tactile partnership. I am so glad I didn't stay, and it would have been so so easy to just stay and bury my head. Agree to have a clinical shag or two for the sake of procreation, but not otherwise deal in any of that unpleasantness. So easy to just accept the status quo because I loved him so so much, and it was very hard to leave- but sometimes it is, quite simply, fucked (or not, as the case may be!)
Steel yourself for some tough talking- he may surprise you when he realises how serious you are. If it does however signal the unwinding of the relationship, he will be setting you free to find a loving and sexual relationship.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/02/2016 16:17

Ask him how happy he would be to be left alone with only his right hand and his xBox (or whatever it is) for company. As that's precisely what he'll have if he doesn't welcome a proper adult relationship with you.

I'd suggest quite a lot of straight-talking. No tactfully skirting around the issue. His reaction to the prospect of a weekend away with you speaks volumes.

I suspect this relationship is already dead in the water. There could be a life-time of mutually thrilling sex ahead of you but I doubt that it is with him.

pinkcan · 07/02/2016 16:21

This sounds like really quite a bad problem. I would think about ending this. If you have these sorts of problems before even marriage/children, they will get 10x worse if children come along.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 07/02/2016 16:21

He leaves 'used' tissues on the bedside table? That's grim, and hugely disrespectful.

Original poster

barkinginessex · 07/02/2016 16:24

mrsfuzzy I can't think of anything that actually changed 12 months ago, we just stopped having regular sex. Unless something changed for him and he hasn't told me?
Thanks all, I'm going to talk to him tonight. Everyone thinks we have a perfect relationship but today I feel so lonely. Not how a relationship should be.

OP posts:

Original poster

barkinginessex · 07/02/2016 16:28

Agree the tissues are disrespectful and he must think I am an idiot not to notice them every single day!

OP posts:

mintoil · 07/02/2016 16:53

I agree with PP, it's hard to imagine why you would wish to have children with this man.

You are still young OP - plenty of time to find someone who truly values you.

Lightbulbon · 07/02/2016 16:58

You don't have dcs to tie you to him.

Get out while you still can.

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2016 17:10

Tbh knowing what I know now I would run for the hills and find yourself a do that treats you as you deserve to be treated.

I certainly wouldn't be planning on having dc with a man that wasn't interested in me sexually

AyeAmarok · 07/02/2016 18:27

I would hazard a guess that 12 months ago he started masturbating every day to porn.

Choughed · 07/02/2016 18:55

Count yourself lucky you don't have children. Really, it sounds like the relationship has run its course but your partner is too cowardly to tell you.

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