DP no longer wants sex

[barkinginessex]

I know it's probably been done to death but I'm sitting here utterly miserable and just don't know what to do.
DP has no interest in sex with me, I suspect he mastubates to porn every morning. I get up earlier than him and when I go up to the bedroom to get dressed after getting ready downstairs he always has loads of used tissues on his bedside table (sorry if TMI).
I found some porn on the laptop too.
I don't know if I should confront or just keep quiet.
We are both early 30's, no kids yet but would like to start trying in the next year.
I feel like everywhere I turn there's sex, on TV and adverts and I really feel like I'm missing out.
I feel that sex is important to a relationship as without it we are just like housemates!
I don't know what to do, it's making me feel like there's something wrong with me .

[Lweji]

Tea

What you are saying is the same as everybody else.
He doesn't want to be in this relationship, not in the long run. He just hasn't had the courage to end it. He's leaving it to the OP.

[HappenstanceMarmite]

First of all, if your not married then I am afraid that he masturbation really is none of your business

Cretinous comment.

[LuluJakey1]

LTB. He has already left you emotionally. He has no commitment to you and a future together. Get out now and meet someone you deserve- someone who is proud of you, wants to plan ahead with you and shows you how attractive you are to him- this tosser is sapping your confidence.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He doesn't want to commit to you or have a baby with you. That's the bottom line. He's avoiding sex as a way to avoid intimacy and the question of having a baby and getting tied to you. Sorry love, if you want kids, commitment and a fulfilling relationship then you need to move on.

[Teaandcakeat8]

Also please don't take my post the wrong way. I'm sure you are not unattractive, just with the wrong guy. My ex is not unattractive but just not right for me. Someone out there will appreciate you but you won't find them whilst you're wasting energy on this relationship.

[Teaandcakeat8]

I'm going to approach this differently.

I was in a sexless relationship. I didn't want sex. My ex dp was great on paper but in reality he made my skin crawl. I flinched whenever he touched me.

I covered up these feelings so many times to him but in the end had to be honest with myself, that I had just mentally checked out of the relationship a long time ago.

I don't want to be harsh but it sounds like your dp has done the same. Are you sure the weight gain wasn't an excuse? Fair enough so he says he is insecure but did you discuss a way forward? A plan of action? What he could do to change this?

I think when the sex goes, and you continue to feel hurt and rejected, resentment builds and eventually you will end up leading a separate life.

I really think it's time to reevaluate this and decide if this is really how you want your life to be?

[Stormyrainbow]

I would leave. In your heart you know if he's checked out of the relationship.

Our stories sound really similar as I also wanted children relatively soon...

I was honestly in a very similar position. But buried my head in the hand. It's also massively affected my self esteem as I thought and wondered why he wasn't as attracted to me anymore. Maybe if I lost weight, bought sexy underwear, made it blindingly obvious that I wanted to go to bed but nothing seemed to work. We just seemed to be missing some sort of connection. He didn't desire me anymore and it was upsetting, frustrating... he'd rather play on his phone than speak to me. But I stayed thinking it would be ok because we loved each other.

He then broke up with me and it's heartbreaking but part of me thinks there must be someone out there who can give me more. Not just sexually (although that would be nice) but also emotionally! I just wish I'd raised these issues with him earlier and had more control over the situation.

Do not blame yourself, you sound like an absolute catch and it's 100% his loss!

[iMatter]

I agree with other posters - he has already checked out of the relationship.

He's almost certainly a porn addict too and that messes with his ability to have any form of "normal" sex.

I'm sorry to say it but you have no future with him. You sound miserable (understandably) and your misery will only increase if you stay with him.

Get out now, find someone who loves you and wants to have sex with you and who wants to have a family with you. You won't regret it; I promise.

[SauvignonPlonker]

Agree he's checked out of the relationship. IMO, he's probably going through the motions of the relationship as he's happy enough drifting along, but not committing. and having someone pay half the bills, do laundry etc. But when push comes to shove, he'll not commit.

The cynic in me would say that men frequently do this as they don't have the pressure of the biological clock, haven't got someone else fully lined up yet, don't want to be the "bad guy".

And OP, please try & re-frame this. It is NOT about you not being attractive enough, or trying to find something to make him more interested.

It's about you deciding if this relationship is good enough for you & making you happy. Or not.

[lilacclery]

I've just been through 9 months of this issue.
Dh has been struggling with his mental health and would only make advances if he'd had a few drinks.
Also I had given up hormonal contraception and he'd an issue with using condoms. I purchased them left them there, said I wasn't going anywhere but me and the children needed him back as an active participant in the family.
I booked us a weekend away and it was basically make or break time luckily he figured that out too and was a different person once we were on the plane.
Is this an option for ye to take him out of yer surroundings and have a heart to heart?

[ouryve]

And barking - you've already had the advice you need. It sounds like he's withdrawn from the relationship, if he won't even talk to you honestly and openly. You can't bring children into this relationship.

[ouryve]

Bore off, mozatron

[LeaLeander]

OMG, please do not bring a child into these circumstances.

[Baconyum]

I'm with other pps saying its over. Suspect he just doesn't want to be the one to say it wants you to be the 'bad guy' how did his previous relationships end?

He's not engaged in the relationship at all, doesn't want to plan ahead, not interested in sex.

Moza - the Victorians want their shit sexist attitudes back!

[Jan45]

Well first off he needs to ditch the porn, pity he can't put as much effort into making his woman happy! Selfish imo, and is full of excuses, I'd not be hanging about for a man that carries on like this - what are you, a spare part?

[barkinginessex]

To be honest I really don't like porn, it would only make me feel more inadequate.

[EssexScott]

I'm not really into porn but if I did watch it, it would turn me on more if I was watching it with my wife. Have you thought about talking to him and saying you'd like to watch it too? Whether you want to or not it may bring you closer with regards to him being able to be open and honest about his fantasies plus It may improve your sex life.

[Livingforlove]

I can't see what's going to change or how things will improve. It might just be the relationship has run its course. He doesn't seem bothered about fixing the issues does he? You have too much going for you to put up with him any more.

[Joysmum]

You've clearly got a lot more talking to do. You need to express to him what you have on here and see what he says about it.

[barkinginessex]

Ha ha hellsbells! I also thought the same. No idea what gave the impression that I don't work or clean the house well enough. For the record I work full time in the city, I keep myself fit and healthy and dress nicely. I've thought many times that I'm to blame for this but I don't know what else I can do to make myself attractive to DP.
Anyway I digress, thank you everyone for your advice. I'm not sure what to think now.

[hellsbellsmelons]

If your not working and he is then his job is to provide financial support and your job if to take care of his needs ( sexual or otherwise ). Ask him how you can do your job better

Hahahahahahahahahaha
That's the funniest thing I've read on here in a long time.
AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I also think he would want you to end this relationship rather than him because a) he is a coward and b) does not want to appear to be the "bad guy".

Do not let this dying relationship limp on for another month let alone another year.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would not be bringing children into this relationship at all. There are more than enough problems in this already to even consider bringing a child into this.

His porn usage has contributed to what could really be here the death knell of your relationship, I would seriously consider your own future within this because such men are unlikely to change, infact they do not change and he is showing you who he really is.

I was going to ask what you get out of this relationship now, sometimes love is just not enough. He is simply not as invested in this as you are.

Staying with someone who cannot decide what they want and when they want it is really no way to live.

You cannot fix this by yourself and you cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved.

[Lweji]

Well, OP, I hope you're not going to pay much attention to the last pp.

There's quite a lot more going on than lack of sex. He isn't a companion, doesn't seem to want to really commit, while you want more than just living together as mates, or worse, house sharers.

[mozatron]

Question here is what changed, maybe after working hard all day the guy is tired and if you do nothing but mope around inside all day your not. If your a housewife who contributes nothing apart from dinner on the table and a tidy house and he does not want sex then what are you doing wrong?
Bottom line here is communication, if he is looking at porn maybe you should find out what he is looking at and explore if you can share in it?
If your not working and he is then his job is to provide financial support and your job if to take care of his needs ( sexual or otherwise ). Ask him how you can do your job better.