DP no longer wants sex

[barkinginessex]

I know it's probably been done to death but I'm sitting here utterly miserable and just don't know what to do.
DP has no interest in sex with me, I suspect he mastubates to porn every morning. I get up earlier than him and when I go up to the bedroom to get dressed after getting ready downstairs he always has loads of used tissues on his bedside table (sorry if TMI).
I found some porn on the laptop too.
I don't know if I should confront or just keep quiet.
We are both early 30's, no kids yet but would like to start trying in the next year.
I feel like everywhere I turn there's sex, on TV and adverts and I really feel like I'm missing out.
I feel that sex is important to a relationship as without it we are just like housemates!
I don't know what to do, it's making me feel like there's something wrong with me .

[Bashfulbear]

I am the reading this from an opposite pt of view. My wife won't have sex with, won't kiss me on the lips, shows me no affection and makes me feel like you - rejected and hurt. I feel for you - loneliness in a marriage is really tough. WE have 3 kids & have been married for 16 yrs.

[barkinginessex]

Well I spoke to him last night. Denies the tissues are from mastubating. He said that he feels self conscious during sex as he has put on a bit of weight. He said that's he still attracted to me but just doesn't feel like having sex and is under a lot of pressure at work.
I'm glad I spoke to him but doesn't look like our sex life will be improving anytime soon.

[category12]

So now what?

[Choughed]

Do you believe him?

[barkinginessex]

I'm not sure if I do believe him and I don't know where to go from here. I told him that we are too young to stop having a sex life and he agrees. I can't force him to have sex with me, I miss feeling close to him.

[Choughed]

What's the rest of your relationship like? You said you find it hard to talk to him/get him to tell you about his feelings.

Would a trial separation be helpful?
I've read a lot of threads on here about sexless marriages and lack of communication and they never end well.

[Lweji]

I can only see two ways, if you want a sex life.
You separate or he starts addressing the issue and gets help and drops the porn.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Good grief - this will be your life now.
You are too young for this kind of shite.
I'd be making my exit plan.
You can't even talk properly with him.
He's a closed book.
He's probably a porn addict.
Sex is now crap when it does happen.
You have no real ties to this man.
Might be time to get out?

[ALaughAMinute]

"He said that he feels self conscious during sex as he has put on a bit of weight. He said that's he still attracted to me but just doesn't feel like having sex and is under a lot of pressure at work."

So what's he going to do about it? You can't carry on like this can you?

If he's showing no signs of wanting to resolve the problem, I think you have no choice other than to get out.

You are young enough to meet someone else and have everything you ever dreamed of including a family if that's what you want. Time waits for no man. Be brave and get out.

[bonzo77]

You are easily young enough to leave and start again. I was single at 30, first child at 32. If you hang around longer to see if things will change you might not have time. Oh, and I think he must have a pretty low opinion of you if he thinks (if he really does) that you would find a bit of weight gain off putting.

[Frustratedfrankie]

I sympathise OP I am having similar problems, my OH has lost interest in sex and its making me feel so lousy and unattractive I just don't know what to do about it any more. Over the last 12 months he's given various reasons for it, he's recently admitted he is depressed which he thinks is the main reason behind. I think this is the main reason as well and it makes me feel hideously selfish that I am pressuring him and acting like a spoilt brat when I don't get any but on the other hand the effect it is having on my self esteem and the rest of our relationship leaves me feeling like I can't win. I just find it hard to believe that a guy in his late 20's is happy not getting any. I tried sending him so pics at the weekend as he was away with work hoping that when he got back he would be more in the mood but we just ended up rowing and sleeping in separate rooms :( has anyone had experience with a depressed OH how do you cope with this side of things?

[SauvignonPlonker]

Has he checked out of the relationship, I wonder?

He sounds very disengaged, playing his computer like a teenager & not really interacting in a meaningful way.

I'm a great believer that once the sex goes in a relationship, it's over.

[barkinginessex]

He's very affectionate at other times and I know he loves me but he seems reluctant to plan ahead with me.
We aren't engaged and despite agreeing to TTC next year I can't see it happening (and we obviously need to have regular sex!).
He won't even plan a holiday with me until the last minute and it makes me think maybe he wants to keep his options open.

[SauvignonPlonker]

Oh dear, sounds like he has cold feet.

If you're in your 30's please don't waste time with this man. Staying with him is stopping you meeting someone who wants the same things & will make you happier.

If you've excluded depression, perhaps ask him to see a GP. How he responds will be very telling.

Maybe it's time to set a short deadline in your mind eg 3-6 months. During this time make it clear to him that you want things to get better & for him to take some responsibility for improving things. This is important, as currently he isn't doing anything.

But please don't spend years trying to fix it yourself; you can't.

[Lweji]

I'll be very blunt.
If after 7 years you are not moving forward, no serious commitment and no children and he's going off sex, the relationship is basically doomed.

Notice how you agreed to TTC last year and sex stopped for the last year.

I have seen these long lasting relationship limping on, mostly because the person who's not really committed isn't keen on letting it go for whatever reason.
It's really hard to break up with someone you actually like, but don't see yourself moving forward with, and at some level he knows it's not happening, but doesn't seem capable of facing it.

At this point, I'd be the one calling it a day. Because he will leave at some point when he finds a woman he does want to have children with.

[eloquent]

I ended up in a sexless relationship. It went on for 6 years. We were together 8

It destroyed me. We ended up having kids. He ended up breaking my heart.

Get out. You're worth more. He's not given any indication that he wants things to change.

[Eminado]

"He's very affectionate at other times and I know he loves me but he seems reluctant to plan ahead with me.
We aren't engaged and despite agreeing to TTC next year I can't see it happening (and we obviously need to have regular sex!).
He won't even plan a holiday with me until the last minute and it makes me think maybe he wants to keep his options open."

I really don't think you should wait around to "see what happens" with someone like this. Value yourself more.

He seems spineless so just take the decision out of his hands and move on.
I dont say that lightly, I know it will be hard. But waiting on someone else to decide what they want is no way to live.

[makingmiracles]

I'd second what others have said, set a deadline for improvement and if things don't change, get out. Seen far too many friends be in this situation and waste precious years. At 30 if you want children you need to be with someone who is on the same page and also imminently wants to start a family, he doesn't like like he does.

[makingmiracles]

He doesn't *sound like he does

[mozatron]

First of all, if your not married then I am afraid that he masturbation really is none of your business. If you both want to share a sex life then you both need to understand what both of you like/desire/need. Alot of the time men get turned off when sex is just a means to a baby. After all in this world of equality both of you are free to so as you want sexually. Your post says that you might confront him, almost like he is doing something wrong.

[mozatron]

please forgive the free flow spelling there!

[mozatron]

Question here is what changed, maybe after working hard all day the guy is tired and if you do nothing but mope around inside all day your not. If your a housewife who contributes nothing apart from dinner on the table and a tidy house and he does not want sex then what are you doing wrong?
Bottom line here is communication, if he is looking at porn maybe you should find out what he is looking at and explore if you can share in it?
If your not working and he is then his job is to provide financial support and your job if to take care of his needs ( sexual or otherwise ). Ask him how you can do your job better.

[Lweji]

Well, OP, I hope you're not going to pay much attention to the last pp.

There's quite a lot more going on than lack of sex. He isn't a companion, doesn't seem to want to really commit, while you want more than just living together as mates, or worse, house sharers.