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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel like a right bitch

64 replies

squaretoes · 06/02/2016 11:50

So, I have told my DH it's over and that I want him to leave.

Long background, he is basically a manchild who I have been making excuses for and mothering for the last 13 years. The final straw has been me having a mental health break down and him being spectacularly unsupportive, including telling me how inconvenient I am and that its all an excuse.

I have been the sole wage earner for 3 years as he has been fired from every job he has ever had (although I have told friends and family he was made redundant on his instruction, so he could save face). We have got more and more into debt, he has been a SAHD to DD(4) and I have recently discovered he has missed 4 specialist appointments (she was a preemie) with his only excuse being 'he forgot'. There is so, so much more.

I don't know why I'm posting, he has no where to go, I will end up sorting him out somewhere to live and helping him apply for benefits. He is an intelligent man (1st class degree etc) but he has no common sense or maturity.

He has cried, told me I am taking everything away, have ruined his life, he has taken no responsibility for anything. I am just a prize bitch. I feel awful. I want to say that I am not responsible for his happiness, that it's all his fault but that's just so harsh. He left the house last night and went to the pub, as he was leaving I asked where he was going and was told to fuck off. This isn't an easy or a light decision for me.

He is utterly furious that I have spoken to a couple of my friends about him, called my friendship group a 'harem of bitches' and that I have been getting support from them. I suggested maybe he speaks to his friends and he told me he has none.

I know in my heart of hearts I have done the right thing, but why do I feel so fucking horrible??

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 06/02/2016 11:55

Because you married him with high hopes never thinking your life was going to be like this.

He has shown you that he won't support you and doesn't have your best interests at heart.

You are doing the right thing.

bb888 · 06/02/2016 11:56

You have done the right thing, and you aren't responsible for his happiness. A relationship takes two people to want to be in it.

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 11:56

God you don't know how much it means to read that.

OP posts:
BIWI · 06/02/2016 11:57

You feel so horrible because you're grieving for what should have been.

Having read your OP I'd say you're doing exactly the right thing. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 11:57

He says he does want to be in it. I have asked so many times for support, for help, for him to take some of the responsibility. He has let me down in so many ways. I honestly feel like he is a contributing factor to my mental health.

OP posts:
Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 11:58

Yes, I am. I made my marriage vows because I meant them. I would have been there for him, I have been. I am grieving for the life I desperately wanted.

OP posts:
Eminado · 06/02/2016 11:59

I agree with you about your health - it certainly cant have helped.

You are doing the right thing

Take care of yourself.

ivykaty44 · 06/02/2016 12:02

He wants to blame you entirely for the breakdown of his marriage and that means he has to make you feel bad - ignore his immaturity.

LastOneDancing · 06/02/2016 12:02

I think you feel bad because its a horrible situation that you wouldn't have chosen for anyone, and after 13 years he knows what buttons to press.

You've shared a lot, made a home, made children. You're allowed to grieve and feel bad for your marriage, even if it was crap.

FWIW he sounds utterly draining and I think you will start to feel like a weight has been lifted very soon. Best of luck with your fresh start OP.

PeppasNanna · 06/02/2016 12:12

Op,
I'm in the same situation. Exdp left 3 weeks ago thinking he'd be back in days...

He begged & cried for an hour & half last night for me to let him come home.

I feel guilty but know we should have parted years ago. I feel awful as he has very little without us but tgat isnt my responsibility. The dc are my priority. They have to be.

Good that you've friends to chat& off load to.

Take care Flowers

bb888 · 06/02/2016 12:20

The bit about the vows is difficult, but don't forget there was something in there about him loving and cherishing you, and I know towards the endof my marriage I didn't feel either.

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 12:24

Yes, I don't feel cherished, valued or loved. He also said in sickness and in health and that's not happened either.

I already feel lighter. It's only when he is in front of me crying that I feel utterly dreadful. I just want the rest of my life to start now.

The friends I have spoken to have all agreed that it has been a long time coming, and that I have put up with too much. Every single person I know has been more supportive than my husband with my mental illness.

I have just have a huge bouquet of flowers delivered from a friend who lives a while away. She is lovely.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 06/02/2016 12:31

You're doing the right thing. His reaction is selfish and piss-poor.

NameChange30 · 06/02/2016 12:36

You're not a bitch. He's a pathetic, manupulative bastard. Of course he doesn't like people knowing the truth about him, because the truth is that he's a fucking loser.

Stop looking after him NOW. Don't help him find somewhere to live, sign up for benefits etc. Point him in the direction of CAB and leave him to it.

RandomMess · 06/02/2016 12:36

You know what you have done the right thing, and no don't bail him out, don't help him sort benefits out etc.

He needs to grow the f*ck up.

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 12:36

Thank you!! I feel like it is.

Turns out my family never liked him, why have they never mentioned?? Or have I just been in denial all this time?

I just want to put DD first and have a happy house, not a sulky teenager mascarading as an adult in here.

Everytime we had to go to an event he ruined it by sulking, family weddings and stuff "I don't know anyone, do we have to go?" I am a naturally outgoing positive person and I can't believe how much of that he has sucked from me!!

Things are coming back, remembering things, when I was in hospital after an EMCS at 26 weeks I was on the phone to a friend asking her to take him some food round because all he had eaten was greggs sausage rolls. I remember thinking that surely he should be able to take care of himself, but he wasn't. I should have done this sooner.

OP posts:
Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 12:37

Thank you, I still feel responsible for him, I feel like he has nothing without me so I have to help him! Your right, of course he doesn't want me to speak to people, I'm not wrong to do that am I?

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 06/02/2016 12:42

Every time you feel guilty, think of how much worse you would feel if one of the hospital appointments he missed because he couldn't be fucked to go had contained something vital for your daughter.

Don't find him somewhere to live - that's his issue. Give him a date to be out by, and stick to it.

You're doing the right thing.

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 12:44

Ha, yes. I will, missing those appointments was unforgivable for me. I only found out because the health visitor rang me as the hospital had contacted them. I'm sure it is fine but it makes me look as though I was neglecting her. I trusted him!!
Whenever I have mentioned it, he says 'she's fine, why are you bothered, stop overreacting'. He has never even apologised.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/02/2016 12:46

Once you're out of the picture he will either manage perfectly capable by himself or get some other mug to baby him.

He doesn't want a partner he wants a full time mother...

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 12:47

Yes, there's some excuse there in that his mother is rotten. But I need to stop making excuses for him.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/02/2016 13:04

"Your right, of course he doesn't want me to speak to people, I'm not wrong to do that am I?"

NO. You are absolutely not wrong to talk to other people. It's a red flag for someone to not want a partner to discuss their relationship with others or get support from them. DH and I have a good relationship but if there are issues we both understand that we might need support and advice from others outside the relationship.

He hasn't given much (if anything) to this relationship/family, and you owe him NOTHING. You certainly don't need to feel guilty about getting the support you need.

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 13:21

Thank you Emma. You're right, it's not a good sign. I won't be made to feel guilty.

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 06/02/2016 13:28

I think I would help him find somewhere to live because the sooner that is sorted, the quicker he will be out of your house! Don't pay deposits or agree to be guarantor or anything.

See a solicitor asap, cos I've a feeling this lazy manipulative fucker will try to sting you for spousal support.

bb888 · 06/02/2016 13:32

If you are married then I don't think you can actually force him to leave, so finding him another place if he will move into it might be the easiest thing.

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