feel like a right bitch

[squaretoes]

So, I have told my DH it's over and that I want him to leave.

Long background, he is basically a manchild who I have been making excuses for and mothering for the last 13 years. The final straw has been me having a mental health break down and him being spectacularly unsupportive, including telling me how inconvenient I am and that its all an excuse.

I have been the sole wage earner for 3 years as he has been fired from every job he has ever had (although I have told friends and family he was made redundant on his instruction, so he could save face). We have got more and more into debt, he has been a SAHD to DD(4) and I have recently discovered he has missed 4 specialist appointments (she was a preemie) with his only excuse being 'he forgot'. There is so, so much more.

I don't know why I'm posting, he has no where to go, I will end up sorting him out somewhere to live and helping him apply for benefits. He is an intelligent man (1st class degree etc) but he has no common sense or maturity.

He has cried, told me I am taking everything away, have ruined his life, he has taken no responsibility for anything. I am just a prize bitch. I feel awful. I want to say that I am not responsible for his happiness, that it's all his fault but that's just so harsh. He left the house last night and went to the pub, as he was leaving I asked where he was going and was told to fuck off. This isn't an easy or a light decision for me.

He is utterly furious that I have spoken to a couple of my friends about him, called my friendship group a 'harem of bitches' and that I have been getting support from them. I suggested maybe he speaks to his friends and he told me he has none.

I know in my heart of hearts I have done the right thing, but why do I feel so fucking horrible??

Don't be so hard on yourself! You must have been young when you got together and would have had no idea it would pan out like this. It's only hindsight that is allowing you to piece it all together. It all means you care, you're loyal, you work hard for your family - you have done your very best. Even now, you feel guilt when his issues are totally out of your hands. He'll do well to learn to look after himself. He'll be alright. Don't sort out his benefits - he can do that. It's not that hard. How are you going to sort out living arrangements?

I don't know. He is refusing to discuss practical stuff. A friend has a rental property that he has said I can live in (or he can) for free for a month to get us sorted. So that's lovely!

You are 100% doing the right thing - he sounds grim. Unfortunately I don't think he is going to do anything to progress the situation, so if I were you I would see a solicitor ASAP and crack on with the divorce.

His reaction to this (you have obviously 'misunderstood' your own feelings!) and his repeated inability to hold down a job say it all. Some people believe the world should revolve round them and that they are always right despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. They are a waste of time - let him find some other mug. Take care

He will avoid discussing anything to do with this for as long as possible, and will mope about visibly as much as possible in the hope that you eventually run out of the energy to try and drag his dead weight along and will just go back to how it was - where you do everything and he does nothing. Be prepared to have to shove him along step by resisting step.

Oh god. This is EXACTLY what is happening, lots of banging around (sorting his stuff) in between moping and no actual productive steps like applying for benefits or speaking to mates he could crash with

No offence but you should have got rid a long time ago, no wonder he's distraught, he's about to lose his cushy number with you doing everything, it's not out of deep love is it, it's because he's going to have to now stand on his own two feet.

Stop calling yourself a bitch, most women wouldn't accept this relationship as remotely satisfying, he's had plenty chances, how many more years do you waste on a waster?

Instead of feeling like a bitch, remember how he has continually let you down - time for you now, I think you have given him enough and you've had FA back in return so no, if anyone is a bitch, it's him.

Try giving him a deadline? But really you need to get the ball rolling legally. He may drag his feet to the extent that only legal steps will get him to act.

Yes, I'm going to book a solicitors appointment this week, apparently it is too hard to move house before April as he is writing his dissertation (that is all he is doing, as he quit his degree when DD was born with only his dissertation to write)

He sounds like he doesn't like responsibility . Give it some space it might just be what he needs to realise how lucky he is to have you.
Good luck x

Squaretoes, have read your thread and am horrified for you. You see that solicitor and decide what arrangements will suit you.
Personally I'd aim for him to go asap. He adds no value to your life but seems to be sucking the life out of you. I think your challenge is going to be to stay firm - he has spent so long manipulating you that I bet your default position is to pander to his needs, to humour him, nurture him and attempt to meet his needs.
And the guilt that you talk about.... you know, looking after someone as you have done for so long may be a bit foolish, but it's not a nasty quality. But living off someone else and deliberately contributing nothing, never working - that's unkind, selfish, thoughtless and vile!
Maybe you need a script to use to respond when he's attempting to manipulate you...' You need to find somewhere to live now. I won't be spending any more of my money on you. You will have to work to finance yourself ...' or something like that...

Thank you, yes, my default position is to pander to him, to try and make him happy. The number of times I have apologised because we couldn't afford for him to buy something or for him to go on a night out with the lads.

He was supposed to be a SAHD though, no one would say all this to a SAHM. It was family money...I don't know. He is upset, he's not all bad.

YOU apologised because he couldn't have nice things?! To a guy who's never lifted a finger to support himself or his family financially or otherwise?!

I did the same as you at the beginning of 2015. My STBXH had been lying on the sofa for 5 years being 'self-employed' but did not take on the primary care role, he left it all to me. I told him many times that he needed to step up & he ignored it. When I told him I'd had enough & wanted to split apparently it came as a complete shock!!

And then came the crying, the big plans to change, the accusations of ruining the family, taking his children away from him etc. By that point I had lost interest in all of his crap, I was waaaay past caring.

He finally moved out after 3 months, although I had to give him the money to do it on account of him not having any income. This is the first time in his 46 years he's had to look after himself, although I think his Mother still helps him get dressed. The weekend he moved out it was Mothers Day on the Sunday & he got the keys to his house on the Saturday. I really wanted him gone for Mothers Day but he said he couldn't because his Mum had bought him a duvet but it hadn't arrived

Anyway, the moral of the story is I no longer have a sofa leech and things are so much better. I knew that I had reached my end point and it sounds like you are at that same place. Stay strong, be confident with your decision regardless of what he says. You can do this & life will be better!