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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel like a right bitch

64 replies

squaretoes · 06/02/2016 11:50

So, I have told my DH it's over and that I want him to leave.

Long background, he is basically a manchild who I have been making excuses for and mothering for the last 13 years. The final straw has been me having a mental health break down and him being spectacularly unsupportive, including telling me how inconvenient I am and that its all an excuse.

I have been the sole wage earner for 3 years as he has been fired from every job he has ever had (although I have told friends and family he was made redundant on his instruction, so he could save face). We have got more and more into debt, he has been a SAHD to DD(4) and I have recently discovered he has missed 4 specialist appointments (she was a preemie) with his only excuse being 'he forgot'. There is so, so much more.

I don't know why I'm posting, he has no where to go, I will end up sorting him out somewhere to live and helping him apply for benefits. He is an intelligent man (1st class degree etc) but he has no common sense or maturity.

He has cried, told me I am taking everything away, have ruined his life, he has taken no responsibility for anything. I am just a prize bitch. I feel awful. I want to say that I am not responsible for his happiness, that it's all his fault but that's just so harsh. He left the house last night and went to the pub, as he was leaving I asked where he was going and was told to fuck off. This isn't an easy or a light decision for me.

He is utterly furious that I have spoken to a couple of my friends about him, called my friendship group a 'harem of bitches' and that I have been getting support from them. I suggested maybe he speaks to his friends and he told me he has none.

I know in my heart of hearts I have done the right thing, but why do I feel so fucking horrible??

OP posts:
BIWI · 06/02/2016 13:53

Why should she find him somewhere though?! I'd be locking him out myself, even if it's not allowed - not by changing the locks, mind, but by leaving the key on the inside of the lock.

Make him do something for himself for once, even it's just dossing on a mate's sofa for a while.

NameChange30 · 06/02/2016 13:58

I don't advocate locking him out when he's got nowhere else to go but I do suggest getting legal advice to find out what she needs to do to get rid of him!

bb888 · 06/02/2016 14:20

If married then they would normally both have equal right to be in the house until divorced, so to act as if he has to leave on request could be counter-productive.

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 18:54

Sorry!! I've been at a child's party with DD. I have asked him to leave, there is equity in the house so I imagine he is going to want to sell up, I would hate that because DD is settled. I spoke to the mortgage company and I can borrow a bit more just on my salary but not enough to give him half the equity.
I am not locking him out, or anything along those lines. Although I do think a deadline might be a good idea.

Today he has been texting me saying he wants to talk about trying again and going to counselling, but when I suggested counselling before Christmas he said no because "he didn't want to". He is just doing his absolute best to make me feel guilty as fuck.

OP posts:
SauvignonPlonker · 06/02/2016 19:19

NottinghamkuikykyiWinkit

RandomMess · 06/02/2016 19:46

As you are housing DD then you can argue you need more than 50% of the equity as you need 2 beds...

Time to see a solicitor 50:50 is only the starting point.

Is the plan for him to carry on providing care for DD whilst you work or are you trying to force him to work? Unfortunately he has a proven record for being her main carer - would he fight for residency?

etttvatre · 06/02/2016 19:53

Wow, this is like reading my own story.

I was married to a man very similar to your H, should have left him years ago. I told him I was leaving in October and moved out in November.

Lots of tears and threats from him, telling me I was leaving him homeless etc making me feel terribly selfish.

We've been separated for three months and I've not been this happy for years, I'm out of the woods!

Just do it and ignore his feelings for now (like he has been ignoring yours)!!

HappyAsASandboy · 06/02/2016 19:56

I would be careful - it sounds like he has been the primary carer for the last few years, so he may well decide to fight for the bigger chunk of the finances, stay the primary carer, and apply for child support. He'd probably have a good case.

Are you sure he doesn't want to remain in the house with your DD?

BuzzardBird · 06/02/2016 20:01

I'd be drying too if someone took my golden goose away.

get yourself to solicitors tomorrow for free 30 mins consultation.

BuzzardBird · 06/02/2016 20:02

crying sorry

Original poster
squaretoes · 06/02/2016 20:07

Okay, so DD has been at nursery at least 2 days a week while he has been a SAHD. There is absolutely no way he could afford to stay in this house, he has admitted that. I think he would argue for 50:50 residency, which I would be fine with. I have been asking him to work for over a year. He has very recently started work in a cafe for a few hours a week.

On my phone so I can't see who posted but whoever said it was like reading their story, thank you for sharing and it is so good for me to read that you are happy. Thanks to you!!

I can't believe I have thought this is normal/usual/acceptable for so long. I feel like something has snapped.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 07/02/2016 09:38

You might be amazed at how he may wake up now. Not thats any help to you but when you are feeling sorry for him remember this might be just the kick in the a## he needs to get up and sort his life out. That could be positive for your dd in the long run. You gave him every opportunity. Your mental health will improve no end as you take the situation into your own hands.Sitting under it all has caused you to collapse. You sound like a very capable person with supportive friends and family. Talk to whoever you want. He needs to see things are different now. Does he have mental health issues himself as getting sacked from various jobs sounds more than just regular idleness or irresponsibility?. But not your job to diagnose. Try not to let whatever he does become the centre of your thoughts. Focus on your own plans and looking after your dd.

Original poster
squaretoes · 07/02/2016 09:55

AAAAAAHHHHHHH AngryAngry

He's just refusing to accept what I am saying, he's telling me I'm breaking up our family for nothing and that it's not as bad as I think. Apparently I am rewriting history.

He is walking round like a wounded puppy, I'm just finding myself with no sympathy. God maybe I am a bitch.

OP posts:
magoria · 07/02/2016 10:04

It's all your fault just like all the times he was made 'redundant' wasn't his fault either...

That is his life style. Never his fault.

Just keep remembering this.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 07/02/2016 10:07

"God maybe I am a bitch."

No, you're not. You have warned him, asked for counselling, and nothing has improved. Would it help to make a list of every time he has let you down? Been a disappointment? It will help remind you of why you are leaving him when you're feeling guilty.

Original poster
squaretoes · 07/02/2016 10:10

Yes...ok. I need to keep that in my mind. I actually can't believe how little responsibility he has taken. The number of times in the last 24 hours he has said, "I take full responsibility...but ..." Invariably followed by you did this, or this wasn't my fault.

Honestly the only way he would have had any chance would have been to say, I take full responsibility, this is what needs to change and manned up and changed it. He is just making me dislike him...

OP posts:
bb888 · 07/02/2016 10:10

You aren't a bitch. You are just finally expecting him to act a little bit like a grown up.
Remember you can leave a relationship any time for any reason you want. You are an adult and perfectly capable of making a good decision about that. What kind of person starts picking away at another persons reasons for not wanting to be with them?

Original poster
squaretoes · 07/02/2016 10:11

Yes. That's a bloody good idea. I am going to start now. A long list of everything he has done or more often, not done.

OP posts:
Original poster
squaretoes · 07/02/2016 10:12

Good point. You're right. I can leave. I don't have to justify it, or prove my reasons to him. Fuck, it's like all these new concepts are just occurring to me, I'm 31 years old, I should KNOW that I can do this. I am so used to being responsible for his happiness (not that he is EVER happy) that I can't see it.

OP posts:
bb888 · 07/02/2016 10:12

The only risk with a list like that is that you will probably find it very depressing. Also, if he is anything like my STBXH he will keep on adding to it for you anyway, so you will probably find he keeps your motivation to stay separated up.

Original poster
squaretoes · 07/02/2016 10:13

Hahah, good point. I've lost any motivation to stay as it is.

OP posts:
bb888 · 07/02/2016 10:15

I'm older than you squaretoes, and it took me so long to realise that it was even possible to leave, and even longer to realise that I didn't have to prove that it was 'bad enough'. That stuff was a total revelation to me. I feel such a fool now, but at least I can look forward to a future where I won't ever have to be in a relationship that I don't want to be in (because I know now that leaving is OK).

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2016 10:20

squaretoes,

re your comment:-
"Thank you, I still feel responsible for him, I feel like he has nothing without me so I have to help him!"

Why do you think that?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Think about that.

I am wondering if you are co-dependent and act as such in relationships. You are not responsible for him ultimately even though you think you are. I would read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much of that fits in with you.

He will find some other soul to leech off; he will land on his feet without any further help from you.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships as well, surely not this poor model of one.

This individual hit paydirt really when he met you and now the golden goose has had enough, he decides to call you a bitch. You are anything but. He has had more than enough chances from you and he has blown them all.

Original poster
squaretoes · 07/02/2016 10:36

Attila, you have hit the nail bang on the head. I am emulating my parents relationship. I am very much like my mum (although she passed away when I was 24). She took on this role, my dad spent her money and took no responsibility. He continues to do that now she is dead as he can live off the money she left. She put up with it and never left. I remember having a conversation with her about why she put up with it and she said you don't give up. She gave up so much of her life, dreams and aspirations to be with my dad and he continued to do what he wanted to do with no disregard.

I spoke to my friend and said I finally realised I deserved better and she said that maybe my mum just never felt she deserved better. She should have been married to an equal, she could have done so much more.

Fuck. I can't believe that I am reliving her life. Literally. Every single fucking bit.

OP posts:
TwoTonTessie · 07/02/2016 10:40

But you're not living her life now. You've decided enough is enough and taken action. Good luck Flowers