Can really incredible sex make you think you're in love?

[brownpillow]

I have a new boyfriend and I don't even think he is a very nicer person. I thought he was at first, really thought he was a great person, but a few things have come to light since I have known him that would definitely have put me right off.

Although the sex is absolutely out of this world. The kissing feels amazing, as does the cuddles and we have great talks.

I am wondering how much the phsyical side of things being so incredible would slant my viewpoint on him?

Can really, really good sex and someone's body looking /feeling / smelling right in a way you find irresistable really make you view them in a better light than you should?

I feel unsatisfied in the relationship but hang on because I sense potential but wonder how much of that is just a fantasy in my mind.

It's not "love" is it, when you feel so happy and addicted to someone like that?

I sort of both hate him and crave him, and no, he's not gorgeous or anything.

case in point

Wow, bet you're gutted AF Christ I hope no one clocks how much I'm on here, you're practically a part timer in comparison

Blonde you are being really unfair. AF doesnt do what you are accusing her of. She has been very helpful to many on here including me.

And she isnt on here 24 7 either.

I agree. In the past ive confused lust with love. I think a lot of us have done it or do it.

To be fair, I only use forums like this when I have issues. When I am happy and settled in a relationship, things like this are the last thing I think about and I dont use them much at all. When I'm having problems in relationships or are lonely, its good to talk.

It is a fair point....as a quick search to settle it, it's a Saturday and yet some people mentioned have posted nearly 100 times today and you're meant to have husbands and children?!

It is very easy, particularly when you have a good relationship, to tell someone to end something and thats it. But in your 30s etc I've found it's harder and harder to meet anyone and once you have feelings / chemistry / something for someone, all bets are off. It isnt that easy.

I have a history of this sort of thing. I agree with others that addiction is not the same as love. I've been addicted to two people who were very bad for me and struggled to extract myself from the situation. The problem is entirely to do with me and probably partly my dysfunctional relationship with my (emotionally unavailable) dad.

The last guy who I went through this with exhibited some very odd behaviour and seemed utterly incapable of any kind of intimacy at all. I imagine the reason the sex was so good was that it was the only kind of intimacy that he could manage.

Lately I've been in a relationship (early stages) with someone a lot nicer and a lot more normal. But now I feel stifled because I am simply not used to being treated nicely. Even my ex husband was incredibly upsetting to be with for the first 6 months of the relationship.

Ive been here too. And am in no hurry to do it again.

Sothathappened .. Not sure what he's up to now. He is a driving instructor and did hear on the grapevine that he tried it on a pupil of his a couple of months ago who was a friend of a friend, so still think he's up to his old tricks.

Ugh stillaspoon, they never change do they?

As a side note: I texted him half an hour ago to say I felt I'd reached the end of my rope with it and he replied "I understand". I said "I know you do". We have talked many times about my concerns of him being selfish and only half in the relationship.

Half an hour later and he just text me two words. "Oh well".

brownpillow This is exactly what I imagine my guy would say. I think another important thing to remember is that as you get more emotionally enmeshed with a man like this you stop 'asking' for good treatment because you know the answerwould be 'my way or the highway'. so you put up w it hoping eventually he'll realise how much you love him and how kind and tolerant you are and see the light. except all that happens is you still have great sex at his convenience, he still doesn't care about you, and your self esteem gets slowly a little bit more chipped away.

I also totally get your twominds post. that is thewashing machine cycle in my head and has been for years.

seemed utterly incapable of any kind of intimacy at all. I imagine the reason the sex was so good was that it was the only kind of intimacy that he could manage.

boden thats very interesting idea and makes sense. with mine it's almost like the better the time we've had together, the more perfect the date, themore fun, the greater the sex, the more intimate thhaecuddling afterwards the longer it is before he contacts me again. It's soul eating it really is. andI spend my wholetime thinking 'am I really going mad? am I deluded? but wasnt't that a great night? objectively? interms of any interaction between a man and a woman? fun,great conversation, laughs, great sex, cute cuddles? then bam! All over. like it never happened, meant nothing and off he goes distancing, not calling, etc. til next time.

I wonder if you are right about sex being the only intimacy they can mange. and if that's why men like this tend to sleep around so much. to fool themselves they can be intimate at the same time creating distance via infidelity? as you can tell this is a topic I tend to over think! short version is he's a cock, who cares?

answer: me.

pathetically.

Yes Siri, I think I have always known it was his way or the highway but I do geninely wish people could come and stand in my shoes because the way he does it is hard to say no to. Much harder than it reads on a page...it's like he coms across as the one who likes me more, needs me more and make me feel like I am the one hurting him by being demanding or whatever. He reminds me of an abused puppy or something and I get sucked in.

He needs space! He is scared of being hurt! He struggles with intimacy! He is worried he might fail his paper on his masters!

Him, him, him, him, him, him.

He never thinks about how it might make me feel when he behaves the way he does, and when I tell him he says "I had no idea, I feel awful" then he does exactly the same thing a few days later.

I agree Boden that might be a big thing.

There's something psychological about the broken man who opens up to you in a union of souls in the bedroom. When we are in there it is so, so intimate and with me being starved of that verbally maybe it feels like manna from heaven.

On the subject of pressure from other users
You now, my friends who've known me all my life have been pressuring me to dump this guy...I am not going to be swayed by anyone, no matter how strong they come on, on MN - but you have to realise that when you get to a point of posting on here you generally are in a place of knowing very well something is troublingly wrong and maybe that's why people are encouraged so often to leave. I hve been reading these pages for about three years now and in most cases the encouragement to leave is right. Yes, I am sure sometimes you can work it out- but for what?

I could "work it out" with this guy and reach a better compromise maybe with him but at the end of the day are we not here to be reminded that we deserve better than settling for someone who hurts us and neglects us?

It's so easy to forget in everyday life that you deserve better than feeling like that and we end up in shitty relationships.

I want one that isn't shitty. I just forget at times that I deserve that too.

you are very gracious, brown

and yes, you do deserve better

you will never reach an acceptable "compromise" with this man. He will always be out of reach. Don't waste any more of your life being two steps behind him.

Most times I'm sure people post to get things straight in their heads, it's the same as in some counselling 'the answer is within you. People don't need to be told to leave , they just want to reason it out and maybe can't always be as open irl.
I am grateful for any input on here, it's good to get thoughts and feelings out into the open.

I agree.

Most relationships I have had would never have led me to post on Mumsnet.

In this case though, I have felt so much inner conflict.

Over why we hve this incredible connection if it means absolutely nothing.

It's hard at times when you feel like your logical mind and your heart are working at loggerheads and when you are in a bad relationship your self esteem gets lower, your standards drop and you completely can't see the wood for the trees at that time and lack the strength to do anything about it.

In this case, his fuckwit-ness works in my favour. His desire to carry out our relationship via text message made it very easy for me to dump him with a 5 second written sentence. Whereas if he was a normal man, I'd have had to have done it face to face and we would have ended up in bed.

I don't want to feel like this any more.

I don't trust him, I don't respect his character and I think he isn't as good / empathetic / loving a person as I am and yet he has all my head space.

Every time my phone goes the sink in my stomach that it isn't him and all that.

Yuk

Fuck him.

If you don't trust someone you could never be with them and also if you can get any insight into their past relatilnships (or non relationships!) you usually find out that they have been the same way with other women. This certainly was the case with the guy I was talking about. Every woman he had been involved with no longer wanted to know him.

Also I've noticed with these types of men they always have an excuse for their behaviour which usually has to do with them not being ready or wanting to have fun. While their peers behave in no such way. Years later, they are still playing out the same behaviours while all their friends are married and no longer have any time for them.

Wrt the sex - they had better be good at that and try to create some kind of reason for you to want to come back for more. Because what else do they have to give you?

As a side note: I texted him half an hour ago to say I felt I'd reached the end of my rope with it and he replied "I understand". I said "I know you do". We have talked many times about my concerns of him being selfish and only half in the relationship.

>>>Half an hour later and he just text me two words. "Oh well".

brownpillow This is exactly what I imagine my guy would say.

See mine was a cunt of the highest order as he wasnt honest in this way.....I got sick of him many times and when I sent him texts essentially saying that's it.....I got apologies and he stepped up his game.

He will probaby do that too once he realises I was serious.

I've been here and oh boy it hurts...The drama,fights,sex roundabout with a man I thought I couldn't be without. I lost myself completely,nearly lost my life in a car accident due to driving and crying so hard I couldn't see the road...and for what? Good sex was all it was. The most addictive and difficult relationship to end...he'd text after months of silence and ask if I was still grumpy,tell me he missed me,try to start an arguement that he knew would lead to sex and he still does now...6 years later. My heart still thuds when he contacts me but I know it's for the wrong reasons, I am in a relationship that's secure and happy but it's not been easy. No contact and taking 1 day at a time is all you can do :)

I stayed with a batshit crazy women for 18 months for exactly the same reason. Wasn't that nice but, was so exciting & the sex had no limits. Only binned her off when i went to work in Australia.
I was never under the love illusion but, the great no holds barred sex can do strange things

I did this for 9 years
Kept trying to break up but the hysterical bonding part of an already ahem good physical part of the relationship, if you can call it that , was utterly irrisistibke

However one day I woke up and thought actually I deserve to be married to a amazing man and have kids and life a proper grown up life
And I am and wow what a better quality life I have . And sex is the least important part as we have so so much more together in the life we have built

The other one is still single 8 years on