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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Chocking my baby

93 replies

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 07:28

Yesterday was my nephews 4th birthday party while getting ready to go home my husband accidentally locked his keys in car so I left my 8 month old son in the care of my mum I placed my baby on the floor with my 2 nieces and 1 nephew as I've done many times before. Anyway on my way home my mum decides to tell me while I was outside my nephew decides to sit behind my son and put his arms round to the front of my son and strangle him! My mum jumped in straight away and took my son away as far as I know nothing was said to him or him as when I came in I knew none the wiser. Bit of background to my nephew he's a real stickler for being naughty his mum and dad split up as his dad was physically and mentally abusive to my sister he used to encourage my nephew to play up and be nasty. He's always been naughty but never anything like that always purposely destroying stuff at our houses and finding it funny. when he was told off he smirked and wasn't bothered at all, apparently everyone commented that he knew full well what he was doing. I'm really off and upset for my son and I certainly think he's old enough to know not to strangle a baby. I'm really * off that I wasn't told straight away and really annoyed that he wasn't punished for it. I don't want to fall out with my sister as I do love going round to see her and all the kids including my nephew but now I certainly don't trust my nephew round my son . It's just sat mulling on my brain really irritating me that it happened he wasn't punished and I wasn't told anything of it am I right to be annoyed should I say something? Sounds daft but I almost feel like I can't think of a better word but assaulted I know it sounds dramatic but I can't think of a better word

OP posts:

RudeElf · 04/02/2016 13:06

Wow. My eldest is 10 so i've had loads of incidents were other DC have hurt my children both deliberately and by accident. And my DC have hurt others too! Its part and parcel of having kids. They hurt and get hurt.

Am i the only one struggling to see why this is such an issue? He hurt your son, he was stopped immediately. Your son is fine.

as far as I know nothing was said to him

And you dont know what was said or what punishment was issued. Frankly, its not your business how his parent deals with it. Your son is fine and thats all that matters. If you dont want your nephew around your son then dont have him around. But you dont get to decide how he is dealt with by his parent.

Offred · 04/02/2016 13:06

So he is still being abused by his father on contact?

People are pointing out that until you get proper psychological support for your nephew and guidance for the family on how to deal with him this will not get better.

No, you are not right to expect that he be told off.

You weren't there and therefore left it up to others to deal with.

Being told off may make his behaviour worse, why would you insist on something that won't help (as his brain is likely wired differently due to the abuse he did see - of course he saw it, and is still suffering) and may well harm just because you will feel better if he is told off?

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 13:06

Omg I know there's a bigger issue but that's not what my post is about again I'm not saying he doesn't need help again I'm not saying go and choke him back again I'm not dismissing him as a naughty child my post is simple should he have just been told no don't do that your telling me that if he choked your child you wouldn't expect a simple no don't do that?? Honestly....

You make it sound like I'm just calling him a little brat don't wanna know him just want him hit and that's the end. No I am not.
I'm the first person there to help them all through all of it

OP posts:

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 13:09

I'm not right to expect to his mother to tell him it's wrong Jesus Christ I'm sure you all have some say in how your child is told off from nursery/school/babysitters so I'm a bad person for wanting him to be told it's not right so I'm supposed to just let him do as he pleases to my son Lol no thanks I don't care what anyone says someone strangles your baby you will tell them no that's wrong etc etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 13:11

And I was also more pissed off about not being told about it I'm not angry ar my nephew I'm angry at my mum and sister for not telling him not to do it Jesus you people are crazy

OP posts:

Offred · 04/02/2016 13:11

Most people here can clearly see that the important child in the scenario you describe is your nephew.

Your baby wasn't hurt or you would have noticed and asked what happened. There was no even short term harm that occurred to your baby. Your child will occasionally be hurt by other children.

Your nephew is a traumatised child who is still being harmed by his father.

Your family need to take this seriously and take action otherwise he will grow up very damaged.

Offred · 04/02/2016 13:12

Not telling him it's wrong.

You wanted him told off/punished.

People are pointing out that this could damage a damaged child further.

Offred · 04/02/2016 13:12

And you have dismissed him as naughty several times and minimised the effect of the abuse several times.

SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2016 13:14

To be fair to posted OP you did use the word 'punish' on more than one occasion. That is not a telling off as you state now.

RudeElf · 04/02/2016 13:14

should he have just been told no don't do that

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT WAS SAID TO HIM!

SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2016 13:14

posted = posters.

Offred · 04/02/2016 13:16

The fact your post is about wanting him told off/punished rather than wanting to get him help demonstrates that though you may mean well you are on the wrong track TBH.

You can't make your sister get him the help he needs but carrying on having him round trashing your house and leaving your DC around him as though he is not a risk and at risk is not helping anyone.

He needs proper help and I would not have my DC around him unless it was unavoidable and I was watching like a hawk until he was getting support and making progress.

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 13:17

Have I balls minimised it my post is simple should he have been told no all I wanted was people's opinions and I get abuse that I should get him help but then abuse that it's none of my business which is it......
but it's ok I'll go and let him strangle my child

OP posts:

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 13:18

That's a fair enough point but I can't go and make my sister get him help its her child!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 13:20

He wasn't "at risk" he's only ever smacked kicked normal stuff and then out of the blue strangles my child don't make it sound like I put my child in immediate danger

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/02/2016 13:21

what people are trying to explain to you OP is that this is not a simple thing. That simple thing you want will.not.work. I'm wondering if you're actually reading any of the replies.

Say for eg that his dads abuse has damaged that child's brain. So he's brain damaged and can't comprehend right from wrong. Would you still think that he just 'needs to be told'?

Your baby is fine, this is a wake up call to get that little boy some help.

SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2016 13:21

Hold on a minute Rdis25. I don't see anywhere on this thread where you have received abuse. You may be frustrated that people are generally not in agreement with your line of thinking but if you are asking for opinions then there's a chance that people don't agree.

Offred · 04/02/2016 13:22

If you want him to stop being violent telling him off/punishing him is not likely to work.

In fact all the literature says it will make it worse because growing up in the environment he has during that critical period for brain development will have resulted in abnormal development.

You cannot solve it by telling him off.

You can solve it by him having therapy and everyone stopping this cycle of indulging/punishing and by taking guidance from professionals in how you can support him best.

No-one has abused you.

You asked whether you are wrong or right. People said they think you are wrong.

As your baby grows older you will hopefully come to realise that you can't stop other people hurting them but you can reduce the risks of them being hurt by not putting them in risky situations.

RudeElf · 04/02/2016 13:22

he's only ever smacked kicked normal stuff

Err, thats violence just the same as strangling! Are you saying youre happy for him to smack or kick your baby but not choke him?

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 13:23

I don't think he just needs to be told I just think at that moment he should have been told no and your just being picky with the word punished clearly I didn't mean go and smack the hell outa him as I've said over and over again

OP posts:

RudeElf · 04/02/2016 13:24

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT WAS SAID TO HIM!

I wish i had larger letters.

Owllady · 04/02/2016 13:25

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink

RudeElf · 04/02/2016 13:26

Owl you said very nicely what i was about to say in a nit so nice way. So thanks for saving me from a deletion.

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 13:26

Omg no I'm not happy for him to smack and kick my baby he hasn't done that I mean that's all he's normally done so I wasn't thinking hed go and strangle my son some of you say it's kids some of you say kicking and smacking is violence so either way I'm painted to be in the wrong there wasn't a bloody therapist councilor or w.e in the room so quite plain and simple his mother should have told him not to do it simple as end of conversation

OP posts:

Offred · 04/02/2016 13:28

You know he comes from an abusive environment.

You know he has been getting in trouble for being violent at preschool.

You know that he is still being taught to be violent by his abusive father

You know others won't babysit him (because they have adequately assessed the risk).

You know he trashes your house.

That should have been enough to put you on notice that he is a risk to your baby TBH.

You just keep saying he is naughty, minimising the situation in general and obsessing over what has/hasn't been said to him (which you don't know anyway) by the people you left him with...

The issues are;

He needs proper help and you all need to take advice on how to deal with a traumatised child.

until he is away from the abuse his father is still showing towards him and has had behavioural therapy he is a risk to other children.

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