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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Chocking my baby

93 replies

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 07:28

Yesterday was my nephews 4th birthday party while getting ready to go home my husband accidentally locked his keys in car so I left my 8 month old son in the care of my mum I placed my baby on the floor with my 2 nieces and 1 nephew as I've done many times before. Anyway on my way home my mum decides to tell me while I was outside my nephew decides to sit behind my son and put his arms round to the front of my son and strangle him! My mum jumped in straight away and took my son away as far as I know nothing was said to him or him as when I came in I knew none the wiser. Bit of background to my nephew he's a real stickler for being naughty his mum and dad split up as his dad was physically and mentally abusive to my sister he used to encourage my nephew to play up and be nasty. He's always been naughty but never anything like that always purposely destroying stuff at our houses and finding it funny. when he was told off he smirked and wasn't bothered at all, apparently everyone commented that he knew full well what he was doing. I'm really off and upset for my son and I certainly think he's old enough to know not to strangle a baby. I'm really * off that I wasn't told straight away and really annoyed that he wasn't punished for it. I don't want to fall out with my sister as I do love going round to see her and all the kids including my nephew but now I certainly don't trust my nephew round my son . It's just sat mulling on my brain really irritating me that it happened he wasn't punished and I wasn't told anything of it am I right to be annoyed should I say something? Sounds daft but I almost feel like I can't think of a better word but assaulted I know it sounds dramatic but I can't think of a better word

OP posts:

Rdls35 · 04/02/2016 09:49

I don't have him in a label Jesus Christ and believe I've tried talking sitting explaining leering him at my house even though he destroys everything I do love him and cuddle him his fits and tantrums don't bother me but hurting a baby is too far I'm not expecting her to go and lock him in the attic and not be fed Jesus just for him to told

Offred · 04/02/2016 10:33

If you continue to label him as naughty and think you can deal with it in the family you will set him up for lifelong problems.

You shouldn't have left your baby there, your family should all be taking this more seriously and getting him support, telling him off or punishing him would not help, he is not naughty he is acting out what he witnessed and he poses a risk to other children (as you already know and knew before you left the baby there).

He needs proper support and so do the whole family IMO.

Offred · 04/02/2016 10:34

You all need to stop with the blaming, stop sticking your heads in the sand and get some proper support.

Offred · 04/02/2016 10:36

Your obsession with having him punished is coming across as motivated by seeking revenge TBH.

ZiggyFartdust · 04/02/2016 10:42

It was his 4th birthday, so he was THREE the day before. Three is a toddler, ffs! You are being utterly ridiculous, and really quite horrible about a small boy.
Blame the adults in your family for not minding the baby AND the very young child you left together.

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 11:00

The point is he should have been told not to do it if he did it to your child in a play centre say would you be happy if he wasn't told not to?

OP posts:

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 11:02

Seeking revenge don't be so ridiculous I think there comes a point when a child should be told no don't do that

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/02/2016 11:05

OP what do you want to happen now?

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 11:07

I'd like him to be told but I also think too much times passed so god knows I'm upset I'm no longer comfortable about him being round my son I never wanted that

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/02/2016 11:08

And if telling him doesn't work?

ZiggyFartdust · 04/02/2016 11:08

So you realise then your issue is with the childs parent, who didn't discipline him? So why are you going on and on about this poor child?

Offred · 04/02/2016 11:09

He is not a normal child, he is a traumatised child. He is not being naughty, telling him off or punishing him may make things much worse - do you still want him told off/punished knowing that it may reinforce his view of the world as threatening and make him more violent?!

You chose to leave your baby with a traumatised (young) child who has issues with violence. You don't get to dictate how people reacted when you were not there. You also do not know best about how to deal with it. What you propose is unhelpful.

Your whole family need to start understanding him and his issues and how he is responding to trauma. Punishment/telling off will not help. He needs therapy and you all need guidance on how to manage/pre-empt his behaviour.

If you don't get him therapy he is not likely to get better:

Offred · 04/02/2016 11:10

You should never have been comfortable with him being around your child.

You only were comfortable because you have been labelling him naughty and not recognising he is traumatised IMO.

Owllady · 04/02/2016 11:10

Op, with all due respect, you are upset and are taking things personal when nothing personal is being said. It's not nice what your nephew has done. It's shocked and upset you and everyone agrees it's upsetting.

As someone reading this though it's rather clear the children and your nephew do need professional support to cope with their past and emotions, especially if you think he has done it on purpose. After you have calmed down I'd have a softly softly talk with your mum and sister about it. Your nephew isn't genetically programmed to be violent (or naughty) it's stemming from what he has witnessed and its best to seek help and support now.

Your baby is okay, lesson learnt and all that :) try not to get upset

Offred · 04/02/2016 11:18

Given he has been subjected to abuse from his father and witnessed his father abusing his mother during a crucial part of neurological development (age 0-3) his brain will be different to normal children.

He needs proper therapy to help address this. Literature is very clear that responding to him as though he is a normal child and escalating discipline just results is worse behaviour.

Offred · 04/02/2016 11:22

And TBF that is exactly what you have described when you talk about him.

You believing he is just like his dad and his dad's family and writing him off when he has just turned four and been through so much is truly awful.

ChoudeBruxelles · 04/02/2016 12:35

Sorry OP but come back and read this when you have a 4 year and realise how little 4 really still is.

They get lots of things wrong and are still trying to learn lots and lots.

At the end of the day your ds is fine. Don't let you nephew hold him in future if you're worried it will happen again

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 04/02/2016 12:39

Ok lesson learnt - don't EVER leave your DS out of your sight when he is there.
I have known a couple of dangerous little shits like this, and if your sister doesn't get on top of his terrible behaviour now he is going to be one very lonely kid at pre-school/school because nice/normal kids will naturally steer well clear.

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 12:42

Jesus Christ I was expressing my worry when I said about his dad and how it might influence him to act up my point is it doesn't make it ok to do it and not be told that it's not ok! I'm not saying lock him up he's like his dad I'm saying I'm upset that nothing was said surely telling him when he did it that it's wrong and not to do it is expected. If he's not told how will he know not to do it again!

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/02/2016 12:42

Yeah coz an abused traumatised child is always a little shit isn't it? bog off.

Original poster

Rdls25 · 04/02/2016 12:54

Omfg who said he's a little shit get over yourself I know I look after him and don't write him off just plain and simple he should have been told not to strangle my baby simple as your telling me if you were in my situation you wouldn't at least tell him not to do it yada yada yada Ye right I love him to bits and he will still be allowed at mine I just won't trust him around my child he never saw the abuse he split up before he was old enough to notice he just has his dad teaching him to be naughty when he sees him and he listens to his sisters talking about it whenever they do he strangled my child simple as a simple no that's not ok would have been fine shows how different peoples opinions are because on the other site everyone agrees he should be told it's not right I'm not asking for him to be choked back and upset that he was not told so probably won't know to do it again so it could happen again so now I have to think twice about my son being round his family as simple events I'm not saying he's not traumatised I'm not saying he doesn't need help I was simply asking if I was right to be upset that absolutely nothing was said

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2016 12:58

OP I totally understand your upset at your baby being treated in this way by your nephew. But the facts are:

You left your baby in the care of another adult so you had to rely on 3rd party judgement, which will be different from your own.

Both you and your mum knew the history of domestic violence that your nephew has been exposed to and you both still chose to leave the baby in the child's company.

Fortunately baby will have no memory of it and I assume baby is ok now?

A 4yr old cannot be held responsible for a situation where the adults could have prevented it from happening in the first place. Therefore punishing him for your error of judgement is unfair and bad parenting IMHO. This child potentially needs psychological support and help. A few cuddles and kisses here and there does not help remove the offending behaviour and it seems to me that until somebody genuinely starts looking out for the interests of the 4yr old and (his mum?) by obtaining some real help for him that the continuation of scapegoating him as the 'naughty child' in the family is setting him up for a lot of problems over the coming years.

I get you are upset but there IS a bigger concern here regarding the welfare of your nephew.

SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2016 13:00

Please don't underestimate the effect of his father "just teaching him to be naughty". Children at 4yrs old are sponges and take in everything around them. It's their formative years so everything they see and hear become part of their foundations blocks in the mind.

ChoudeBruxelles · 04/02/2016 13:02

But your mum told him off - unless I've completely misunderstood

gamerchick · 04/02/2016 13:04

does that bairn still spend time with his dad?

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