How DARE he? Ar$e is too mild now - I am FUMING!!!

[essbee]

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The wankersong
My mother said that I never should
Play with the naughty rude girls in the wood
Their giggling talk I could never understand
And that?s why I fell in love with my right hand
And that's why:

I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
And it does me good like it bloody well should
I'm a wanker, I'm a wanker
And I'm always pulling my pud.

I was 25 years old before I was kissed
Then I found that I preferred a swift-one of the wrist
It's cheap and convenient
You can?t catch VD
It's available at any time
And it's absolutely free
And that's why:

Oh Mrs. Hand and your five lovely daughters
Thauk you for having me and being oh so kind
I've got pains in my arms and my donkey's growing shorter
My knees have turned to water and I think I?m going blind
I've wanked over Italy, I've wanked over Spain
I?ve wanked in an omnibus, I've even wanked in a train
I?ve used a badger and a melon and a cat
An inflatable Linda Lovelace and a Davy Crocket hat
And that's why:

Ivor Biggun will be inundated with requests for downloads of his/their song. We'll all be p*ssing ourselves laughing and giving knowing looks everytime we hear a mobile playing it!

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I'm off to bed in a minute - Ivor Biggun is getting all cross with me

Did he have many hits? Mmmm, I'm thinking not?

By the way, just out of curiosity (and worry), if I have left a big dent in the cash machine, can I get done for it? Seriously, I am worried now.
Essbee, if they put the footage on crimewatch, you will get a preview of what will happen to your wh next month.

I am thinking of going in there in disguise next time, incase I got caught on camera.

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What did you do Chocol8?

Sorry, that just came through - well done Jampot for getting the words! Nice one!

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Jampot - I was very menstrual, just had my supervision and in mega pain and it was payday so I went into the building society to get me some dosh.

The machine swallowed my card but the screen froze and I waited and waited. I shouted to the girl on the speedy till and she came over and said that if my card wasn't one of their accounts, I would have to go to my bank (mmmm, phone bank!). I could have cried. The queue was growing but the machine was still frozen. I shouted over again (not horribly) and she sighed and said to leave it, it had been swallowed. I replied that I would not be leaving incase it spat it out when I had left but she just ignored me. I waited some more, and eventually the message came up. I lost it and kicked the machine.....very hard. It made a REALLY loud clanging noise and EVERYONE looked at me. I stalked out and rang my bank and calmed down a bit. But when I got back to work, I was really quite embarassed - I have never done anything like this before. Do you think they could do me for criminal damage or something? Sorry so long, don't mean to hijack your thread Essbee. x

When did it happen, Chocol8? If they were going to press charges they would only have needed to either look at the name on the swallowed card or to see the name/number of the account being dealt with at the time of the incident. Unless you only did it a day or two ago I think you would have heard something by now.

I still have that song stuck in my head!

I'm sure cash machines have worse abuse than that. At least you weren't trying to break in to it... were you?

I doubt they'll bother doing anything but you may get a snotty letter from the bank!!

Also agree it is unlikely they will do anything.
Reminds me of a story a long time ago when a gang used a jcb to smash into the wall and romove the whole cashpoint machine to take away and retrieve the cash elsewhere. Now they were naughty and got in a fair amount of trouble.

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I donot think you will Chocol8 , glad you are calm now essbee best way to be

Thanks guys! I hope you're right!

No, it happened on Friday afternoon, so they still have time to track me down and send a stroppy letter/arrest me/send me to prison etc.
The problem is that I am not very inconspicuous with mad curly copper hair...I will defo have to wear a hat or a balaclava next time I want some cash!

Jampot - no I honestly wasn't trying to break it! Coppertop - I woke up humming that ruddy toooon this morning...almost as bad as "don't mess with my tutu" or whatever it is! or Agadoo!

It's good to know you won't be seeing wankbreath for a week Essbee. It will give you a chance to relax until you're calm enough to speak to him again (pretend he's human - even though you know he's not). Chill with some wine and a good video and forget that he is still breathing. x

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Oooohhhh honey you know what that expensive prized taken many years to build up CD collection will go on your financial statement for about say er £7k (500 CDs at £14 each!!) so that will be 3.5k he will have to pay you for having them he he he - just tell him the cost of the CDs is gonna pale into insignificance afetr you have made him pay with his blood, sweat, tears and bollocks!!

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essbee, you are so sweet! Am amazed that you already at the "oh well" stage!

You may not want any bits of him any more but make sure you get the money - or the CDs back.

How about his bollocks, detatched, dipped in chocolate, dusted with cocoa and served back to him in a truffle box...?

Soupdragon - I liiiike your style!
Essbee - yeah, pmt has an awful lot to answer for eh? Glad you're feeling better now. x