My mum - realisation I was possibly abused

[Medwaymumoffour]

Name changed for this

No real point to this thread but just want to put this down as I can't really discuss with anyone.

My mum has always been - well quite mean to me. I remember her doing all the essentials. I was fed, clothed, clean etc but I don't recall her ever playing with me.

She used to hit me a lot growing up. Beat might be a more honest description. She would punch and punch me and if I tried to defend myself she would tell dad who would slap me.

When I was older I would say she mentally tortured me. I was at uni and still living at home. I worked night shifts in a factory every night after uni ( I hardly slept but it didn't really effect me at that age). I would get home exhausted and she would come into my room while I was in bed and be nasty and say my dp ( now Dh) was sleeping around as I was so fat and disgusting ( he wasn't but she was insistent I wasn't enough to even be looked at). She made my life hell. Rather than be proud I was doing a degree and supporting myself she was never happy with / for me.

I left and moved in with Dh and she improved a lot. I always presumed it was pmt but really I'm not sure. She still has a nasty side but seems to keep in check most of the time. Because she knows I can't be bullied any more.

She is very socially inept and I do wonder if she has aspergers but she's also got a nasty streak so it's not being unfeeling - she gets off on being nasty. So it's not like she doesn't realise she is being mean.

My sister has told me more than once that social services came to the house after our neighbour kept hearing us screaming. I don't remember that.

I have never asked her why she was so mean. It's done, I can't get that back.

Anyway over Christmas we stayed with her. Dh was shouting at our eldest as he was fighting with his brother. My mum said Dh was being nasty and he would get the kids taken into care by shouting at them ( he is a good person and a good dad but like most people when you tell your kid for the third time to stop punching a sibling you raise your voice).

I told her they are lucky they aren't beaten like I was - she said she never touched me once! I said excuse me, you would punch and punch me then kick me about 30 times in two minutes. She said that never happened!

Can she really belive that? Honestly? I have smacked my 12 year old twice. I remember both times very clearly. Once he ran out into a B road I smacked his hand, the other time I had moved him out of his cot and he was running about at 2am. I lost it and smacked his bum. Both times I felt guilty ( not so much the first time as I had told him to hold hands but the second time it was just tiredness).

I don't really want to know why or a apology or anything BUT my sister never sees her. I do as I think it's the right thing to forgive. Surely she owes me to at least acknowledge that she wasn't a stellar mum, why my sister never visits?

Hi OP. I hope you are OK. I went through a similar experience of realising what my childhood had been like. It's a strange thing, turns everything upside down. Suddenly you start to see everything you remember in a different light. Please be kind to yourself, after the initial realisation I felt incredibly low.

I hope the thread has helped you talk more to your DH. MN is very supportive but also sometimes a very blunt way to face up to truths and questions like whether your mother loves you. And thinking about your Dads role must be very sad.

I really think the counselling is as great idea. A counsellor will help you deal with these things in a supportive environment, and in your own time.

I'm sorry for what you suffered.

Thanks it has helped to talk. Dh is away this week on a course but I will sit down and properly tell him when he gets back. We can formulate a safer way for the kids to see her. I just really can't face going nc whether she hates me or not. I have a lot of guilt about my dad dying without me knowing he was so ill. I have no reason as I told him I loved on the phone two days before. We had a happy conversation - but he's never coming back. I hate regret. I would regret leaving her to die alone, that would personally be too painful.

Yes it's hard to face my dad facilitated her. My Dh step mum also has hit my eldest twice ( massive drinker) Dh dad both times stop back silent ( pretty sure she hits him too ). I hate him for not sticking up for his grandchild. I am nc with her, I don't want my kids ever to see her. DC are never alone with her.

So I have double standards as with mum it's just "ah that's mum, that's how she is" because it is.

I talked my eldest. He says he's not scared by her. He does think she is mean. He said he's not fussed about seeing her again.

I also think she gets worse with teen years as maybe you become fair game or because when you hit your teens you realise it's wrong? Good job my girl is so young I'm sure she would be worse with another girl. Maybe it's a jealousy thing?

Lots to think about. I do need to face up to not trying to make her happy. Just keeping things more civil and shorter contact

I'm wary of giving advice as god knows I'm not making a great job of my own life!

But I wonder if you are working the wrong way round worrying about contact or no contact at the moment. Perhaps you need to take a while to process your feelings and thoughts, ideally with some help, and maybe it will be clearer then what you need in terms of a relationship with your mother - or not. And what is good for your little family.

I think previous posters have signposted you to sources of help.

I really think you and your children should take some time out from her in the meantime to let you do that.

You could just not organise any visits for a good while and reflect on things.

Perhaps visit your sister instead!