My mum - realisation I was possibly abused

[Medwaymumoffour]

Name changed for this

No real point to this thread but just want to put this down as I can't really discuss with anyone.

My mum has always been - well quite mean to me. I remember her doing all the essentials. I was fed, clothed, clean etc but I don't recall her ever playing with me.

She used to hit me a lot growing up. Beat might be a more honest description. She would punch and punch me and if I tried to defend myself she would tell dad who would slap me.

When I was older I would say she mentally tortured me. I was at uni and still living at home. I worked night shifts in a factory every night after uni ( I hardly slept but it didn't really effect me at that age). I would get home exhausted and she would come into my room while I was in bed and be nasty and say my dp ( now Dh) was sleeping around as I was so fat and disgusting ( he wasn't but she was insistent I wasn't enough to even be looked at). She made my life hell. Rather than be proud I was doing a degree and supporting myself she was never happy with / for me.

I left and moved in with Dh and she improved a lot. I always presumed it was pmt but really I'm not sure. She still has a nasty side but seems to keep in check most of the time. Because she knows I can't be bullied any more.

She is very socially inept and I do wonder if she has aspergers but she's also got a nasty streak so it's not being unfeeling - she gets off on being nasty. So it's not like she doesn't realise she is being mean.

My sister has told me more than once that social services came to the house after our neighbour kept hearing us screaming. I don't remember that.

I have never asked her why she was so mean. It's done, I can't get that back.

Anyway over Christmas we stayed with her. Dh was shouting at our eldest as he was fighting with his brother. My mum said Dh was being nasty and he would get the kids taken into care by shouting at them ( he is a good person and a good dad but like most people when you tell your kid for the third time to stop punching a sibling you raise your voice).

I told her they are lucky they aren't beaten like I was - she said she never touched me once! I said excuse me, you would punch and punch me then kick me about 30 times in two minutes. She said that never happened!

Can she really belive that? Honestly? I have smacked my 12 year old twice. I remember both times very clearly. Once he ran out into a B road I smacked his hand, the other time I had moved him out of his cot and he was running about at 2am. I lost it and smacked his bum. Both times I felt guilty ( not so much the first time as I had told him to hold hands but the second time it was just tiredness).

I don't really want to know why or a apology or anything BUT my sister never sees her. I do as I think it's the right thing to forgive. Surely she owes me to at least acknowledge that she wasn't a stellar mum, why my sister never visits?

I understand the fOG. Me, too. It's my dad. I had HUGE need to be forgiving of my dad... but watching him be mean to my son and systematically ignore two while making a "favourite" of him, and the confusion and hurt and yet attraction to being "the favourite" in my little six year old was a huge wake up call for me.

We will visit once or twice a year. Duty calls. I won't let my children be abused this way.

But just wanted to say I KNOW. It hurts like hell.

Also there are types of counselling that are not about going over the trauma - so things like Emotional Freedom Technique and EMDR for traumatic memories. I have no experience of these in particular but I have friends who do.. so it doesn't have to be raking over the hard memories.

OP, your mother harmed you and is harming your children.

Having no grandparents is far, far better than this. Believe me.

As someone who gives and receives counselling I would urge you to think seriously about seeing someone. I Understand what people mean when they say counselling makes things worse, but counselling cannot make the emotional abuse you suffered worse, what actually happens is that counselling came make you feel worse because you begin to acknowledge and experience the painful emotions you have repressed. That is an extension of what is happening to you now. You are becoming aware that your mum and dad were not good parents and it is hard to deal with all the painful feelings tied up with that.

Ring around, see a couple or three or four therapists. See who you click with and make a short term contract with that person. Then give yourse

Sorry, hit the wrong key.

Give yourself a rest and start counselling again when you feel ready for it.

Well done for seeing the pattern of abuse and thinking about how best to care for yourself and your DC.

Whatever you,decide to do, I hope your future is bright.

Medwaymumoffour I am so sorry for your experiences.

Please do get some professional help and please keep yourself and your kids away from our mum.

Forgiveness does not mean you need to put yourself and your kids in danger.

in a group situation your mother may not want to admit what she did, as your father, husband and children don't really know that side of her. if you want to discuss your childhood memories with her (if there is a point) one on one might lead to her opening up more.

Your mother is wicked and you should be ideally NC to protect yourself and your kids. It's better to have no grandparent than one who will damage them. Who cares if she's got Aspergers or not? No condition should ever excuse wot she did and is doing! Stop feeling like your somehow need to forgive. Stop feeling sorry for her, it's like you're tryin to find a reason to excuse her behaviour..."Well if she's got Aspergers I can forgive her." Why?? The woman is poisonous and she is undeserving of a kind, caring daughter like you!
And how can you possibly say your dad was a great man?? you're further demonstrated how damaged you are frm your fucked up childhood. From your OP, a single message comes thru loud and clear; your mother hates you and always did. It's only that you grew up and became independant that she stopped beating you!

Would you ever leave your kids alone with her? To do the normal things with Granma that other Grandkids do? I'm sure the answer would be No! So ask yourself why that is! She is dangerous to your kids. Don't they deserve to be only around those that love and care for them? Not exposed to the insideous poison that she would corrupt them with. Do your duty as a mother!

And finally...why on earth has your OH not put his foot down about this? Does he not have an opinion? You would have to be bonkers as a dad to allow your kids any contact whatsoever with such a malign influence as her! and after knowing what you went through....Jesus wept! If she chooses, and it is a choice, to be mean to others and make zero effort to improve her life, that does not mean you have to take pity on her. Everytime she hurt you she CHOSE to do so. Stop trying to understand or find an explaination. She is incapable of being a mother. What makes you think she's capable of being a Granma??
Kids don't NEED grandparents. They need caring, well intentioned and positive people in their lives. This bitch made her bed. Let her lie in it!
And it's a miracle anyone could do a degree under such abusive conditions. Massive kudos to you Did she say "Congratulations" and come to your graduation? Did your "fantastic" father??

With the right counsellor - you can just rebuild your boundaries - not necessarily have to rake over and hunt for old memories, but just deal with those at the surface. AND have someone reaffirm that you don't have to put up with bad behaviour and she hasn't been a mother to you.

BTW we've never managed to see my ILs every 8 weeks, and never stay at their house; and they are pretty okay people. This is not a good place for your DC to be - so you do need to limit visits in both time and frequency and to have a way for your DC to escape.

I know this is not the same thing at all, but I lived abroad for seven years and we had absolutely no family at all. I filled the gaps in my dc lives where there should have been grandparents with other people. So that there was somebody else in their lives that they could share things with.

My mum told me she though I had a good childhood the other week - she'd forgotten about how the hitting, attempted strangulation and constant mental abuse my father put me through that she was witness to. They refuse to acknowledge their failures as parents (and humans in general) - please please get counselling (I am currently in it again after my father attempted the same with my DD when we visited ... he didn't get very far), you can't change her but you can begin to heal yourself.

I'm sorry you were abused, by both your parents. This was nothing to do with anything about you, or any condition(s) your mother had and was horrible of them both. It's unlikely she will acknowledge this.

Your eldest will be well aware that she dislikes him and would benefit from much less contact. I hope you never, ever leave DC alone with her.

Why are you seeing her as often as every 8 weeks when you live far apart? That's more than many people see their parents with no abuse issues. Would also skip seeing her at Christmas: so what if she's alone? Her choice or consequences of her actions.

I had minimal contact with toxic GPs and was told why (in an age appropriate way): it was fine. IMO it's nice for DC - if possible of course - to have benevolent adults in their life, could be uncles/aunts, family friends, teachers, coaches, whoever! Not just GPs, and GPs who are not benevolvent are bad news.

My GM is late 80s and has never apologised to my father for the abuse. He sees her very occasionally and speaks on the phone sometimes (he didn't wish to go NC). a couple of times he has alluded to it (when she was talking bollocks about his upbringing) and silenced her. He has fallen out in the past with some of his siblings who denied the abuse, or were themselves abusive. V sad that it can also drive siblings apart. It's great that you have a good relationship with your sister.

The siblings were abusive to their families as adults, that is

napac.org.uk/about-us/

This is a website I would urge you to look at medway; the link is above.

It is not your fault that this happened to you. I think you remain very much in FOG with regards to your mother.

Your mother was more than just mean; she was and remains out and out abusive. I would think her own family of origin abused her in her own childhood. It is not an excuse but one of many reasons why she is as she is.

Both your parents abused you (your mother still does) and your late father was also complicit in this abuse. Your father was also a weak man and enabler who likely needed someone to idolise; he stayed with her for his own reasons. These people were not good parents to you or your siblings and your mother is clearly not to be at all trusted around your children. She is already starting on your eldest.

I presume you have only maintained contact at all because you still seek her approval and its hard being the last one left (your sister went on to cut all contact with mother). You perhaps still think on some level she will say sorry and become a better person. You have also tried to find reasons for her behaviour because you really cannot understand how a parent could actually behave like this.

The fact remains that one generation i.e. you and your sister have been profoundly affected by this abuse and now a second i.e. your children are in her firing line.

You need to go no contact with your mother as of now; self preservation and the welfare of your children are of paramount importance.

I think when abusers refuse to admit or acknowledge what they did it's obv blatent lies, they know full well what they did. But I would always confront someone about the abuse they dished out, even if you get no admition frm them, cos otherwise it's like the elephant in the room. "Let's ignore it and it might go away" type thing. But victims of abuse don't have selective memory issues, although the abusers may lie to their face and deny something happened or minimise it so you end up questioning yourself, "Did that happen"? ,"Was it as bad as I thought?"...
It's often a psychological game they play so they can still keep you in their lives so that the abuse can continue, only in a different form to the childhood abuse. So no more physical but they keep up the emotional abuse or passive aggression, for instance. That's my experience anyway.
And I firmly believe abusers never change. It's in their DNA. It's who they are. Just like paedophiles, they cannot be rehabilitated. Because for that to happen it would need to start with an epiphany on their part. That they actually realise and admit to all the wrong doing. And how many people know abusers with that depth of self_awareness??
That's obv not Gospel, just my own opinion. But I give up trying to work them out, their motives or wot makes them tick. You never will. The only conclusion I have come to is that these abusers aren't happy people, they hate themselves and they begrudge the innocence, happiness and the shear opportunities in life of their children. The child becomes an outlet, a target for all of that negativity to be focused upon.
We, as rational, compassionate, inately good people, will always seek a rational explanation for their behaviour. But in most cases that is totally futile.
Just my musings on the subject whilst in Starbucks.....

I told her they are lucky they aren't beaten like I was - she said she never touched me once! I said excuse me, you would punch and punch me then kick me about 30 times in two minutes. She said that never happened!

Oh really mum, then why doesn't my sister have any contact with you?

OP - you really need to restrict access to your kids, she will just follow the same pattern and may drip poison into their ears so much that they up and go live with her one day. Stop thinking it is a good thing to be in contact with an abuser.

Going nc would be very hard for me. I am too soft to just leave her to be alone.

She does keep mentioning why my sister never sees or calls her. She presumes my sister looks down on her as sister is very intelligent with a city job. My sister was so bright she had a job lined up after a levels as mum wanted her at home paying rent. But when she got her A level results her college teacher phoned around all the universities, found her a course, found her residences an begged her to take it. So against my parents wishes she went off and bettered herself opening a door for me to follow her.

I think I need to start with talking to my sister. Maybe I have hurt her too. I do keep dumbing it down.

Honestly it's all I have ever known.

But it's not how I raise my kids

It is hard indeed being the last one left to at all bother with her but you really do need to reconsider not going no contact with your mother (who is not worthy of being called such either). Your parents abused you and your sibling over many years. Your mother still abuses you and now she has started on your eldest child. Its also part of being so conditioned that you feel like you do, you state this is all that you have ever known.

I do not think you have hurt your sister at all but it would be an idea to talk to her. What is your relationship like with her these days?. She may well feel hurt that she was not able to protect you more as her sibling.

Please get some support, and please stop contact. You say you see her because forgiving is the right thing to do. But who in this situation is it right for? Her, maybe, because she gets to continue making you feel like crap. But you? What are you getting from continuing to see her?

It is okay not to forgive. You don't have to.

Talk to your sister about how you might start to re-manage your own relationship with your mother.

There is definitely cause to explain to your dm that dsis is NC because of the violence you were both put through. You are starting to see her warped behaviour towards your own dc too, and this is the reason you will be no longer bringing your dc to visit and reducing contact to phonecalls only,
Or something to that effect.

Just the fact you thought to post on here at all after all these years shows that there´s an internal shift going on inside you, and you´re starting to recognise that you were definately abused not ¨possibly¨. I am surprised you have not suffered PTSD going thru wot you describe! Seriously horrendous

Your mother is manipulating you and as long as you´re in contact you are letting her do so. You def need to speak with your sis re this, it seems she is showing you a shining example of how it´s done and you should follow her lead. Are you 2 not close?

You still haven´t mentioned what your husband thinks of all this and why he consents to letting his kids have contact with such an evil, dangerous witch.

You would do well to enlighten yourself with a book or 2 which people recommend on here, Toxic Parents is the one I remember. People swear by it. It might help lift the FOG and try to get you to understand more of why she is like she is.

Just the fact you thought to post on here at all after all these years shows that there´s an internal shift going on inside you, and you´re starting to recognise that you were definately abused not ¨possibly¨. I am surprised you have not suffered PTSD going thru wot you describe! Seriously horrendous

Your mother is manipulating you and as long as you´re in contact you are letting her do so. You def need to speak with your sis re this, it seems she is showing you a shining example of how it´s done and you should follow her lead. Are you 2 not close?

You still haven´t mentioned what your husband thinks of all this and why he consents to letting his kids have contact with such an evil, dangerous witch.

You would do well to enlighten yourself with a book or 2 which people recommend on here, Toxic Parents is the one I remember. People swear by it. It might help lift the FOG and try to get you to understand more of why she is like she is.

sound like my lovely childhood.

since your mother is starting on your kids confront her if you can, if it's too much for you to do that cut her off.