My mum - realisation I was possibly abused

[Medwaymumoffour]

Name changed for this

No real point to this thread but just want to put this down as I can't really discuss with anyone.

My mum has always been - well quite mean to me. I remember her doing all the essentials. I was fed, clothed, clean etc but I don't recall her ever playing with me.

She used to hit me a lot growing up. Beat might be a more honest description. She would punch and punch me and if I tried to defend myself she would tell dad who would slap me.

When I was older I would say she mentally tortured me. I was at uni and still living at home. I worked night shifts in a factory every night after uni ( I hardly slept but it didn't really effect me at that age). I would get home exhausted and she would come into my room while I was in bed and be nasty and say my dp ( now Dh) was sleeping around as I was so fat and disgusting ( he wasn't but she was insistent I wasn't enough to even be looked at). She made my life hell. Rather than be proud I was doing a degree and supporting myself she was never happy with / for me.

I left and moved in with Dh and she improved a lot. I always presumed it was pmt but really I'm not sure. She still has a nasty side but seems to keep in check most of the time. Because she knows I can't be bullied any more.

She is very socially inept and I do wonder if she has aspergers but she's also got a nasty streak so it's not being unfeeling - she gets off on being nasty. So it's not like she doesn't realise she is being mean.

My sister has told me more than once that social services came to the house after our neighbour kept hearing us screaming. I don't remember that.

I have never asked her why she was so mean. It's done, I can't get that back.

Anyway over Christmas we stayed with her. Dh was shouting at our eldest as he was fighting with his brother. My mum said Dh was being nasty and he would get the kids taken into care by shouting at them ( he is a good person and a good dad but like most people when you tell your kid for the third time to stop punching a sibling you raise your voice).

I told her they are lucky they aren't beaten like I was - she said she never touched me once! I said excuse me, you would punch and punch me then kick me about 30 times in two minutes. She said that never happened!

Can she really belive that? Honestly? I have smacked my 12 year old twice. I remember both times very clearly. Once he ran out into a B road I smacked his hand, the other time I had moved him out of his cot and he was running about at 2am. I lost it and smacked his bum. Both times I felt guilty ( not so much the first time as I had told him to hold hands but the second time it was just tiredness).

I don't really want to know why or a apology or anything BUT my sister never sees her. I do as I think it's the right thing to forgive. Surely she owes me to at least acknowledge that she wasn't a stellar mum, why my sister never visits?

I get on with my sister very well. She's always been like a mum to me. I started to depend on her too much so I have eased off a bit ( nothing said by her - I just felt I relied on her to much).

Dh knows she hit me and was mean. I haven't really spoken much in detail about it. In 25 years, he doesn't know the extent.

He knows she is mean. He doesn't tolerate her and is very quick to give as good as he gets so she doesn't do anything in his ear shot.

I am sure he would be happy to see less of her, he just goes along with me trying to still have some kind of parent in my life.

I don't get anything from my relationship from her. There's nothing in for me. I see her out of duty and I do love her. I don't know I think she loves me in some warped way too.

When you love somebody you don't treat them the way she treated (and treats) you. That's not real love.

It's her version of if, perhaps, but it shouldn't be confused for the real thing.

Going NC is incredibly hard. I read done good advice on mumsnet about it once where someone said you don't have to make a big declaration about it, you can just simply stop returning calls or messages.

Try and put yourself first in all your thoughts. When your mother is verbally abusive to you, she's not thinking about you and how you feel. When she was kicking you or punching you, she was also never, ever thinking about how you felt. It would be strange if she was truly putting you first ever really if she could even do those things once. It's ok, even if she hadn't don't such things, to put yourself first. Given that she has though, don't think about what she needs and wants - she's doing a fine job of that already. Think about what you want. Because if you don't, nobody else will.

I found "Mothers Who Can't Love" by Susan Forward a great help.

What she did to you on all aspects was simply awful. You were a little girl and didn't deserve any of it. As an adult, you still don't.

Counselling isn't everybody's cup of tea, but like the previous poster said, you can just make a short term contract. That means you can just go to get any thoughts that are whizzing around your head out, without delving deep into the past if you don't want to. No counsellor would make you talk about something you don't want to. You're in full control in the sessions.

I would advise looking for a therapist who doesn't focus on CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) though for this type of situation (although I'm sure there are some people it's useful for).

I agree with Kitchen. What makes you think she loves you? Have you any examples of her being loving and caring?

Cos everything you've described to us on here demonstrates the exact opposite is in fact true! So if beating you and verbally abusing you frequently is the way she behaves if she loves you, how the hell would she show that she hates you??
Unsurprisingly, you are very mixed up just now. It sounds like you're wanting to let her off the hook cos it's easier than the alternative.
Why are you just dealing with the issue now, after all these yrs?

I thought I was at peace with it until my sister mentioned social services again. That and the fact that she was hard work over Christmas. That I was thinking she was trying to call me while my land line was out then finding out she hadn't.

I don't know, I just can't imagine giving birth and having no feelings for your own child. Also she's getting old now. Her time to make amends is running out.

I try not to face up to it

To Medway and all that deserved more from the people who brought them up to you.
And this is why I feel so strongly when people come on here saying 'I think my neighbour/friend/child across the street might be being abused what should I do?'....there is only one answer. Report, report, report. Whoever you might offend. As adults it is our duty to protect all children, even if sometimes we only have gut instinct to act upon. Our piece of the puzzle might just be enough evidence.

I hope you all find peace.

Please go for counselling. It's the hardest thing I ever did, but has made such a HUGE impact on my life. It has made me a happier person and as such I am a much better parent to my children.

I am actually starting CBT for my "collecting". That's another thing I think has brought this up. Just having to booking appointment made me realise I know a lot of things but inwardly I'm repressing things

Oh, OP. Your mother is and was extremely abusive. I hope you will seriously consider counselling. I hope you will seriously consider cutting her out of your life, or at least seriously cutting down contact. If nothing else, please protect your child from her poisonous influence.

I don't think burying your head in the sand is going to work in the long run. Those memories and feelings are still there; they're not going to disappear - they will just fester.

I suggest you read the book "Toxic Parents". You might also want to look up personality disorders (eg NPD, BPD, etc) to see if your mother's behaviour fits any of the descriptions.

"I told her they are lucky they aren't beaten like I was - she said she never touched me once! I said excuse me, you would punch and punch me then kick me about 30 times in two minutes. She said that never happened!"

This is called gaslighting. It's a common tactic of abusive people.

Abusers very rarely acknowledge that they have abused you or apologise for it. I don't think your mother is even going to do this.

"I think it's the right thing to forgive."

I disagree. If someone acknowledges what they've done wrong, is genuinely sorry, apologises sincerely, and shows through their behaviour that they have changed and are prepared to make amends, then you can consider forgiving them.

If they won't admit they did anything wrong, they can fuck off.

Another thing that has brought this on - when my dad died he died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was saving £2 coins in a jar to buy me a cot. Mum told me about this and then promptly spent it. She isn't hard up. She had a grant that fully covered his funeral costs. That hurt.

Then a few months ago she went out and bought lots of new white goods. She told me ( begrudgingly ) she had a windfall from dads shares. That made me think about her just picking the cot money. All four of my kids have used the same second hand cot a dad at work gave me. I can offord a new one now - but I never felt with my firstborn a new cot was right for him. Mum was telling me I shouldn't use second hand baby things. But still wouldn't hand dads cash over either.

But mostly it's her denial. I just get wether she thinks I'm so stupid that I will belive her ( although she was like it until I left home ) or she honestly doesn't belive it happened.

I used to say to my dad "it doesn't matter how you think I feel, only I can know how I feel" but of course that's never been said to her. She didn't even say "it was just the once" or "you deserved it" she 100% denied it.

How can she not believe it happened when she's the bloody culprit?? I'm afraid I have to keep doin Shock faces at your revelations. And another re the cot money she knew was intended for you and your baby FFS!! And you profess to love this spiteful and hateful excuse of a woman? Well thank God you've started therapy anyways and u can get the book recommended on here. Read up on the subject and you can only benefit.
This woman wouldn't know wot love is if her life depended on it!
I think your upbringing has been so dysfunctional and damaging you probably don't know wot normal is! You really must spk to your sis and get her advice and support. She seems the ideal candidate to support you in real life as, presumably, she endured the abuse too and can probably remember more if she's older.
Sort yourself out with therapy and books but I think she is your guiding light in all this.

Love, please stop talking to your mum - she is never going to say what you so desperately want her to say.

If you need to talk to someone, you have your sister, your DH, us - and a counsellor would be the best person.

I think I will mention this in my CBT and see if need to be referred for councilling over this.

Already texted sister today. From what she replied it was worse for her or she can remember more hence the nc. She said she fears everyday a stranger will punch her and can thank mum for that time to face up this isn't normal. I just thought maybe a lot of kids are brought up like this but the realistic side of me says it's not normal. Denial side it wasn't that bad. I was never in hospital.

NAPAC or BACP may be worth calling re counselling, give one of them a call. Would not rely on NHS based counselling as that will take an age to arrange as well as being too limited in both number of sessions and scope.

What you saw and have seen from childhood is very disturbing. You seem grateful almost for the fact that you were never in hospital which also shows me how skewed your own boundaries are (due to your parents abuses).

Good idea to mention it in CBT.

to you and your sister. It wasn't normal and you didn't deserve it. You deserved to be loved and not abused.

You were unfortunate to be born to a woman who is a psychopath. And a psycho doesn't need to be running round with a gun or machete like in the movies!
Your mother is unbalanced, deranged and violent. To name but a few appealing character traits!
You will never ever get an admition, an apology or an explaination from her. None of that is within your control. What is in your control is the ability to either keep a psychopath in your life or go NC and cut her dead.
Even when they get old and infirm the tendency towards spite and malice never leaves them. It's ingrained. They're just as poisonous only they no longer have the physical strength to beat 7 shades of shit out of you.
She's your mother in the eyes of the law only, but she lost the right to be considered as such when she started abusing you and justifying her actions. She lost all of her rights as far as im concerned; to be respected, loved, considered, adhered to, listened to, cared for....list goes on.
She's abnormal and it's up to u wot u do about it! I'm still waiting on those examples that she loves you....in a warped kind of way.

I can't give any examples of how she loves me. She did lend me some money twice. That's about it.

I do think she is psychotic. She gets pleasure from it. I also remember her letting me watch quite graphic horror films ( well they was on I got distressed and she would laugh) 18s when is was in juniors. I watched the fog and all the Freddie Kruger films. I can't watch any 18 film now. I have only seen two willingly - one I regret watching as that freaks me out. It's the seeking and desire for harm.

I feel disloyal writing it down but she in essence a evil person.

I mean 18 films was on a lot when dad was on. I didn't want to watch them. I would be ill on the sofa from school at around eight and she stuck the Fog on FFS!

Did she force you to watch them all the way through? No wonder you´re traumatised! Bloody Hell. And I hardly need to tell you that lending money on all 2 occasions ( ) is a sign of manipulation/control, hardly love! Thinking that she loves you is wishful thinking I´m afraid. She´s incapable.

And you´re telling me that you love an EVIL person??

Listen pet, this is precisely why you need your therapy and to broaden your knowledge via your own research, as we are all advising you here. You need to come to the realisation yourself, not just listen to a bunch of strangers on the net stating the obvious.

As Atilla rightly said, it sounds like your Dad was more her Right Hand Man, the Deputy if you like, in the abuse. He abused you either directly or by condoning her abuse of you. But most definately, she is the most dangerous and damaging of the 2 of them. Especially as mothers, just by the very fact that they should be kind and nurturing, are capable of far more psychological damage as far as I´m concerned, because they are the very people who should love and protect us unconditionally. They hold more power and influence over our formative years and development,

Your mother did the exact opposite of what would be considered a ¨normal¨, loving mother.

Some people are just evil.
I have a mum who is more like my worst enemy.
She's never once taken me shopping in my whole life or read to me or had a proper conversation or asked how I am. She did all those things with my older sisters but I was just someone who made her angry by doing nothing.
She used to call me fat while I was suffering from anorexia etc. The when I started gaining weight and growing boobs suddenly I was a slut when id never even had sex.
I could go on but it would take me all day.

I've had counselling and the main thing I learned is to move on with your life and cut her off. People like that never change. You will never be able to get through to her so don't waste anymore time trying.

You can still have limited contact but don't spend any time with her. Don't answer phone calls. If she wants to see the kids ask your husband to take them and make excuses.

Don't let her treat you like crap for the rest of your life.

Unfortunately even with a limited relationship my mum still finds the need to insult me when she is on FaceTime with my son but I just ignore it.

You can't win with people like that. You might never find a reason for the way she is. Think of her as hitler, simply born evil and avoid her!

She won't care anyway. You have to judge people by their actions. If someone acts like they don't care about you continually... Then they just don't care about you and never will.

Focus on having a normal life with as limited contact with her as possible. X

Singlemumbelfast speaks well, but i hugely disagree on contact. Your EvilMum (no "D"!) has shown form for abusing your own children, albeit not a physically as she did on you. She does not deserve them in her life, and you need to protect your children. There is absolutely no good that will come of them being exposed to her poison.

Yep totally agree, cutting contact means not allowing contact with your children either. If she abused you, she could abuse them.

I feel for you OP
My mother seriously abused me throughout my childhood, and also denied any wrong doing, telling me I had imagined the whole thing.
It was torture.
The only way things changed for me was to cut all contact with her.
it also meant I lost contact with my siblings who prefer to believe her. I guess I am stronger than them.
I'm a much happier person now.

Look, um, parents who really love their children give them money and stuff. Not lend. Give. My children's father sold his house and downsized and gave each of our four adult children a chunk of the surplus, because with all his annoying ways he does actually love them and giving things to them gives him pleasure. (He doesn't always pick the right things, but that's another matter.)

What your mother did was create an obligation without loss to herself, and as for pinching the money her deceased husband had intended to pay for a cot for his grandchild, that's pretty low.

If she abused you, she could abuse them.

Utterly agree. Indeed, I'd go so far as to say she's already abused them. Don't let her for any more. You owe her nothing - NOTHING - that's worth exposing your beautiful children to her poison.