A different question related to consent

[Justlurkingaround]

OK, I'm going to risk posting some very personal thoughts prompted by another thread. I don't think this is a TAAT and I hope its not disrespectful to the OP. There is a very sad thread about consent, with some great advice for the OP in what is very clearly a very wrong situation.

My experience is very far from this...and to me not clear at all.

I've been struggling to get back into sex after 2nd child. DH decided he was going to put the affection back into our relationship. One of the things he did was to "spoon" up to me each bedtime, pressed into me with his hand on my breasts. Very tired I tried shifting his hand but he put it back more firmly saying we needed to be affectionate. I felt told off. He did this several nights. I lay there frozen, feeling awful, like i had no say, and a week later had sex so he'd stop hassling me.

He would definitely be shocked to know this has made me miserable. He probably thought he was helping me. He even said we didn't have to have sex when he saw i was reluctant. Is the misery my fault for not being assertive? I hope he is not reading this as it would make him sad.

I have nowhere else to ask though and have lost all ability to judge anything.

I wonder if I was unfair to have sex when I didn't really want to. That must be hurtful.

[serialangstyposter]

I feel like im drowning. There is no good way out of my head. I feel like I'm losing my life as I know it.

I've been in this place for months now, trying to undo how I feel. But it won't go away.
I hate myself for ruining everything. I want to put everything back and see my life like I did before.

I need to fight my way through this somehow. I can't keep burying it. I know that I need to do it. I have some moments where it seems simple and clear and then it goes again.

[serialangstyposter]

Despite rambling I reading and thinking. Thank you again.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

I hear you. I have been there.

You are losing the life you have known, but it maybe wasn't what you believed it to be? What you wish so hard it was and should be? Sadly, once you've realised that it's not what it should be, that HE'S not who he makes out himself to be, and that, in fact, somethings terribly, desperately wrong, you can't un-realise it.

The one thing that's any consolation is that it's not your fault. Either that you've ended up here, or that you may have to be the one that breaks everything apart to protect yourself from harm. He is the one who has ruined everything, not you. You are only guilty of being a normal human being, who gives people the benefit of the doubt, and tries to fix things because having a family that's healthy and whole is important. You want to do the right thing. He does not. Quite simply because his life is easier and better for him if he doesn't bother.

I'm three years on now. I'm not going to say it's easy, it was the most difficult thing to choose to do, and he has never accepted for one second he ever did anything wrong. (He did make that tiny but oh so significant step of pretending my no wasn't real). However, I no longer feel sick when I hear his car engine or his key in the door. I don't sit on the sofa with him knowing he's going to ask for sex and that I don't want to and will have to go through his emotional bullying again. I don't lie next to him in bed unable to sleep, curled up in a foetal position for protection against the psychological war he's inflicting silently on me. And it's worth every hard step a thousand times over.

You are losing the life you've known, but it's no life that anyone should have to live.

[serialangstyposter]

I have been ignoring a gut feeling today that DH had read these posts. It could be (and is entirely possible) that I'm paranoid. I cant really work out the implications of that but i guess I can't continue posting when he might be reading. I have literally no one to talk to. The last time I saw a friend to chat was February so I am very grateful for your posts. You have clearly been strong to get out of your situation. Thank you for talking to me about it.

[AcrossthePond55]

You may not have told him in words, but he knows something is wrong. He must do. I don't think any man could be completely ignorant of his partner's lack of desire.

If you think he's reading this, I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, if it starts some type of dialogue.

If you don't feel comfortable here anymore, I'm so sorry. But please don't continue to live this half life. Seek help.

[serialangstyposter]

My problems are bigger than just this. I've been hiding behind depression rather than dealing. Taking more and stronger ADs. Time to face up to life and I think DH having access to my thoughts is probably very unhelpful so i think better to stop posting all these details.
I will seek help and start to sort things, thanks.

[TendonQueen]

You could start a thread in the other place? PM if that needs explanation. Best of luck to you.

[AyeAmarok]

OP, if you are still reading, one little thought I had. (I see you've already had great advice from others about the forcing/pushing for sex part which I completely agree with and NotQuite and Across have put it way better than I could).

But you seem to have trouble sleeping at night because I imagine you're lying there petrified of him waking up and starting something physical. Those hours of darkness in the middle of the night are awful when you're feeling depressed, you lie there, completely alone, and everything that is wrong feels amplified a hundred times and like there is no way out. I call them "The Hours of Doom".

So I wondered if you think separate beds might work, even just temporarily? Do you think that might help you to sleep a bit if you didn't have to lie next to him and feel so on guard? Maybe if you had a week of good sleep then you'd be able to process your thoughts better.

The depression/not sleeping cycle is literally torture and both make the other worse IME, anything that helps you sleep (preferably not medicated sleep as, for me at least, that makes me groggy/fuzzy during the day) is worth trying.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

Serial, if you start another thread you can pm me a link if you'd like.

Are you sure he's read this though? You know that the fact that the way you are thinking is changing would make him angry, and he's got you very wrapped up with his wants and worrying about him. You may just be projecting your feelings of guilt onto him and panicking?

Everyone needs safe places to talk. If you think MN is compromised then the other place is safer, but also can I reassure you that calls to women's aid won't show up on phone bills.

We'll all be here if you need us. There are, sadly, too many of us who have been where you are. But we've got out, and you can too, and we are here to help if we can.

[serialangstyposter]

I'm not at all sure he has read it. I thought he had read posts a while ago (discovered I was logged into a shared laptop which was showing my phone browsing history) and asked him. I trust him when he says he hadn't. It is much more likely I'm just being paranoid. But I don't want to antagonise an already difficult situation and hurt him any further. And anyway it's a hard thing to shake because now as I type I am half wondering what to say.

I have had 2-3 hours sleep last couple of nights. And you're right AyeAmorak it is tortuous and not helping. I'm going to try have a sleep now while my youngest is napping. And try to stop thinking for a while.

[AcrossthePond55]

Our partner in life should be someone we can turn to. I know there are things in most of our lives we keep to ourselves, but we should be able to say "I am not happy, I need help but please don't ask questions now. I'm not ready". What do you think would happen if you said this to him? Would he be willing to help you get the help you need to live a happy life.

You deserve so much better than you are living.