Don't know where to go from here - where is the compromise?

[Bjornstar]

Hello all

I have posted about this before. I am looking for the compromise in this situation so any help would be appreciated. I am feeling a bit down today and it would be good to talk anyhow.

In a nutshell, i am very happy with the life I lead, where I live and being around the people I love. Ds is settled into a school, has friends and is happy with close contact with all sets of grandparents.

Dh, however, feels like he is wasting his life doing what we do and would like a fresh start in a warm climate, outdoor living, to do something different in his life, which I can understand as we are in the same area as we grew up. I also have the benefit of working PT where DH is full time in a job he dislikes, commuting over an hour daily. He feels like he is in prison going to work but will not re-train; instead, he believes doing the same job in a different country will make him feel better about it, because there will be more opportunities to do the things he enjoys after work.

He does not feel he is enjoying his life to the max as it is now and is desperate to make a change. Please do not think I am being boastful but trying to paint a picture that we enjoy several breaks a year and go out together regularly. He also goes out with friends and enjoys weekends abroad with friends, regular gym visits etc. it is not like he doesn't do anything!

Because we are at loggerheads over what to do with the rest of our lives, there is often tension in our household because DH gets frustrated and sometimes treats me with contempt - which does not make for a positive atmosphere. Please note this is not all the time, we do have good times. He is very strong at arguing his corner as he believes in his dream fully.

The reason I am nervous about making a move to live abroad is we are so settled (apart from DH) so I afraid of the impact of uprooting ds (aged 5); my inlaws are both in ill health; i would miss my mum and friends terribly; fear of DH still being miserable even though I go abroad is up there; and getting trapped out there forever!

A small part of me wants to give it a go as we will never know otherwise, our marriage might break up, DH will not be happy if we don't go.

Anyone had similar experience and gone through with it? Anyone see a compromise? I don't want our marriage to fail but this is tearing us apart.

Thank you

'And sorry, asking why he didn't find an Australian woman to marry is silly hmm'

Thanks, Danger. I guess I'm silly then. I wanted to live in Scotland, so whilst here visiting I found a Scotsman to marry. Gawd, what a dunce idea. It's been 14 years of silliness. How nonsensical, eh? Finding someone already there and who is happy there is a lot easier than persuading someone to move halfway across the world.

Something went wrong with that plan for me and am stuck in the home counties!

You really, really must not emigrate with this man. Emigration is hard work, even if its what you really want and you are a strong team. For what its worth, my husband always had a notion about emigrating, but I vetoed it for over 15 years. We even moved country once, and decided against a move to Australia as I didn't want to go. And then four years ago, I thought fuck it, lets do it! My husband agreed if I didn't like Australia after a year we could come home, and I trusted his word as we have been together a long time and are very happy. Thankfully, and despite my initial doubts, I fell in love with Australia, and yes we do go to the beach lots, go for bbqs, and our lifestyle is massively better. But the first six months was incredibly tough, finding homes, jobs, making friends, you really do have to rebuild your entire life from scratch! And I would not ever, ever move with a man who sulks, emotionally blackmails, and basically behaves like a spoilt brat, like your husband. Please, don't do it, you are almost guaranteed to regret it. Emigration breaks many families, please don't let yours be one of them!

Yes yse - I have told him that but it doesn't fix anything. Even though I agreed to giving it a go recently, he carries on being inconsistent and whinging about the life he hates here. It is so draining

His expectations of life are unrealistic. How many families with young children really spend their evenings after work on the beach or on bike rides? That's what weekends are for. It sounds like you have a perfectly nice life here, it's him who is wrong, not the lifestyle.
He sounds like a bully and you must not emigrate with him. If for no other reason than you will never be able to bring your child back home without his permission so if it doesn't work out you could be stuck there until your child is 18 - at which point t your child will probably want to stay living where he has always lived.

His attitude and behaviour towards you is the problem, not the potential moving abroad. He will be like this to you whether you live here, Australia or Timbuktu.

Never mind about the cost of living in the intended destination. Even if the cost of living was really low and you could live like royalty there it wouldn't change the fact that your H is a disrespectful arse who doesn't see your marriage as a partnership, as a team effort. Instead he thinks he can sulk, manipulate and emotionally blackmail you to get what he wants. Not nice traits in someone who is supposed to have your back.

He sounds selfish and nasty. He is bullying you into going. Please don't do it! I think you should let him go alone. Let him settle in and see how he likes it. If he's happy there and you miss each other a lot, then consider going. But I suspect you might not miss him. And he sounds like the kind of person who won't ever be satisfied.

The fact that he treats you with "contempt" and refused to go to more than one counselling session, is really worrying. It suggests to me that you'd be much better off without him.

I had the same situation with my ExH.
I didn't want to leave my family, friends, job, etc....
He always wanted to live another country.
Had friends that had moved there etc.... We had property there.
So instead of ending it with me and making a go of it he decided to have an affair with a woman in that country.
I had to kick him out. He went. That was nearly 7 years ago now.
He's still there. Only has 1 friend and a very temperamental GF. A young DD he hardly ever sees. Lives in the middle of nowhere off grid.
I could NEVER had been OK living like that.

But he seems to like it. He has alienated most of his friends though who all think he is a knob now.

I say, let him go. He can go over, set everything up and if in 6 months he's loving it and has made friends, then you can join him if you want to.

Dont move abroad with a man ' who treats me with contempt' (your words)
Youre right, there doesnt seem to be any compromise, he argues at you rather than dicsusses the topic and listens to your piint of view
Does he want you to be isolated from your friends and family

'If i dont go dh will give me a dogs life'
So he will bully you into going??
He doesnt sounds very respectful of your wants and needs

Is it Australia?

I love it there - really love it. DH and I seriously considered a move. But the cost of living is astronomical and to be near the kind of places DH could find work would mean ridiculous commutes. I guarantee commuting through Sydney or Melbourne is more stressful than most UK commutes, maybe excluding London. And have you seen the cost of housing?

I wouldn't go, because your DH is a knob and he'll still be a knob no matter where he is.

If he was not a knob I'd be asking him for a firm plan - where would we live, how would we fund it, what are the wages like for your job, show me vacancies, help me understand the school system, etc - I would be expecting proper details, not pie in the sky, before I could make a decision based on facts not wild dreams.

But as your DH is a knob I think any move in that direction will just make him push you harder...

Encourage him to go on his own for abit (ten years), to work and check out places to live
Then divorce him
Then you will be free of his bullying, moaning, whinging, rudeness, selfishness

expat slow clap for you? Well done? Still think it's a silly thing to say. But oh if it worked for you might be the answer to all these threads.

Actually that was uncalled for. Sorry expat. Maybe it is the way to go with people who want to settle elsewhere.

I'll take my arsey mood back to bed elsewhere.

OP this sounds very, very familiar. Have you posted about this before?

If I am right and IIRC, he wants to emigrate to Oz. He pushed and pushed for you to all get visas. Then you had to have a family holiday out there to activate them (or do something paperwork related?). If you are the person I am thinking of, we were all very concerned that once you were out there, he would point to the visas and refuse to come back. You were adamant that you would go on the holiday but tell him when you came back that you did not want to emigrate.

Apologies if I have you mixed up with a different poster. If you are the same person then you need to face up to the fact that your 'D'H is a twat. YOu don't want to go and he's bullying you about it. It won't change and it won't get better. The only solution to this is divorce and let him sail off into the sunset with his visa in his hot little hands.

Jolse I remember that thread too.

OP, if you have agreed to go previously (I think you said that up thread?) but have changed your mind, you MUST tell him.

His needs don't trump yours. What you want is important too. Please don't let yourself be bullied by him.

I've just had a quick look at your other threads. This man is nasty and possibly emotionally abusive from what I've read. A PP said the move would isolate you from family and friends, which made me wonder if he wants to do that. Then you'd be even more vulnerable to his control and abuse.

Anyway, abusive or not, you have been considering ending the relationship, and your instincts are right. Please see a solicitor to find out what your options are, at the very least!

Oh now I know it's Australia, I recognise you. I think you have to make up your mind and tell him once and for all and stick to it, even if you are at risk of losing your marriage.

It sounds like you have been giving him mixed messages eg you went to Australia to activate your visas but you didn't really want to go. I do think he's a bully and the only way is to stand up to him once and for all. Do you actually want to be with him?

Bjornstar, have you ever watched the BBC series Wanted Down Under? It's on BBC1 at the moment 11am weekdays or on iplayer to catch up.
It's formulaic but it does explore situations where one partner wants to emigrate and one either doesn't or who isn't sure. They touch on property, living costs and lifestyle plus potential job opportunities and then the killer VTs from friends and family back home.
There's also a face book page that gives you an idea on what the families have decided after their trial week.

It might be worth a look to see what kind of feelings people have.
Personally I'm always amazed at the people who have a good life here wanting to go somewhere else just because of the weather and the people who are under a large amount of personal stress in their relationship thinking it'll be a quick fix and everyone will magically be very happy, but then I always regard emigrating as a stressful thing requiring a lot of hard work and a willingness to drop standards while everyone gets on their feet.

OP, he's not very nice to you - is this who you want to spend the rest of your life with - in this country or somewhere different?
A life change like this should - MUST - be a partnership.
Is there someone in real life who you can talk this through with?

Are you sure this will make him happy? To be honest he seems to want to be free of responsibility and movie g abroad won't give him that

We did it and god it was hard and that dh company organising and paying for everything

It takes a really strong marriage to survive it as for a while you are all each other has, you will always be each others only family out there
If you did dwvude yo tho then I would make sure I still had a job and a home here and the means to fly home

However, I think the more relevant question is, do you want to be with this man?

I don't think the issue is whether OP could be happy in Australia, I think she probably could be with another man. She's not going to be happy anywhere with this one because he's an arsehole.

It seems to me the obvious answer is for OP to stay here and he goes to Aus on his tod. That way everyone gets what they want.

I live in Australia with small children. We spend our evenings taking leisurely strolls along the beaches, enjoying long bike rides, and lighting up the barbie with our mates. Oh wait, no we fucking don't, because SMALL CHILDREN and we are knackered and our rent is nearly a thousand pounds a month and our friends are busy with their own lives during the week. TBF we really do enjoy the beaches etc etc when we have the time. But would I have moved here with someone who treated me so contemptuously? Nah.

(And anyway I've heard New Zealand is better)