Don't know where to go from here - where is the compromise?

[Bjornstar]

Hello all

I have posted about this before. I am looking for the compromise in this situation so any help would be appreciated. I am feeling a bit down today and it would be good to talk anyhow.

In a nutshell, i am very happy with the life I lead, where I live and being around the people I love. Ds is settled into a school, has friends and is happy with close contact with all sets of grandparents.

Dh, however, feels like he is wasting his life doing what we do and would like a fresh start in a warm climate, outdoor living, to do something different in his life, which I can understand as we are in the same area as we grew up. I also have the benefit of working PT where DH is full time in a job he dislikes, commuting over an hour daily. He feels like he is in prison going to work but will not re-train; instead, he believes doing the same job in a different country will make him feel better about it, because there will be more opportunities to do the things he enjoys after work.

He does not feel he is enjoying his life to the max as it is now and is desperate to make a change. Please do not think I am being boastful but trying to paint a picture that we enjoy several breaks a year and go out together regularly. He also goes out with friends and enjoys weekends abroad with friends, regular gym visits etc. it is not like he doesn't do anything!

Because we are at loggerheads over what to do with the rest of our lives, there is often tension in our household because DH gets frustrated and sometimes treats me with contempt - which does not make for a positive atmosphere. Please note this is not all the time, we do have good times. He is very strong at arguing his corner as he believes in his dream fully.

The reason I am nervous about making a move to live abroad is we are so settled (apart from DH) so I afraid of the impact of uprooting ds (aged 5); my inlaws are both in ill health; i would miss my mum and friends terribly; fear of DH still being miserable even though I go abroad is up there; and getting trapped out there forever!

A small part of me wants to give it a go as we will never know otherwise, our marriage might break up, DH will not be happy if we don't go.

Anyone had similar experience and gone through with it? Anyone see a compromise? I don't want our marriage to fail but this is tearing us apart.

Thank you

'Were you aware before you married, or before you had dc, that he was dissatisfied with living in the UK and that emigrating or working abroad was likely to be on the cards at some future date, or is that his dissatisfaction has only come about since he took up his current job?'

Doesn't matter now. If he was that unhappy, then he was in the wrong to stay and not follow his dream before he took on commitments like a spouse and family. You make your own bed.

Your husband sounds like me. My husband makes all the right noises about going, but never follows through. This has always been my dream, whereas my husband is happy as things are. But theyre not great and he has done nothing to improve anything and has in fact at times made things worse. I know it is my husband i am unhappy with, but in holding onto my dream m, which the hague convention wouodnt allow if we divorced, im stuck with him.

This is hard. 20 years ago I was in the same place as you. Same situation, same age DS, same issues with family (ill PIL, ill DM, I'm an only child) and friends. About a year ago, we went to visit friends, with kids a similar age to ours, who had moved when we decided not to. It was the first time we could, and we weren't "visitors" but joined in with the family at weekends, cooking, school pick ups, drop offs etc, and they were at work when we were there.

After the visit, I regret it so much, as in not going. If we could go tomorrow, I would in a heartbeat. Honestly, even if you factor in the same shit, different location, the quality of the lifestyle, not just for us but the DC's as well would more than make up for the homesickness and distance with family. It's a different world. And, IMYO a better one. My DC 's would have had so much of a better life experience if we had gone. And I regret that.

I agree with all of you that I need to think carefully and should not proceed if it is not something I really want to do.

I just feel so stuck - it is not something i would do if DH was not around, but if I do not go he will give me a dog's life - and if I do go it might work out but it will be disastrous if it does not.

I know I am responsible for not being stronger and saying no when we were going through the visa process but DH sold it as an opportunity we should give ourselves and I was comfortable with that. Now we have it, he has cranked up the pressure.

I agreed recently to give it a shot but then he behaves in a certain way which makes me hold off wanting to try. So I know he finds me flaky but won't accept it is him changing my mind against it.

Thanks for all your input.

You said he says he's compromised for 37 years. No he hasn't, he could have gone any time before he met you.

It sounds like it's his behavior that puts you off going, and rightly so. Would you consider counseling together?

He didn't have the financial
Means to do it before he met me (we met when we were young).

Tried to do the counselling. He attended one session and said before we went in that this was his first and last session.

'but if I do not go he will give me a dog's life - and if I do go it might work out but it will be disastrous if it does not. '

For this reason and this reason alone, you need to say NO, we don't go. You go on your own. You will be totally reliant on him there, probably, unable to work or to leave with your kids.

There was a poster on here, she 'gave it a go'. It all fell apart, and she was stuck there with 4 kids, FA money, unable to get benefits, the guy trying to get her deported.

You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position with someone who is manipulative.

Going would be a very, very bad move.

It depends where you would be going I think. Do you know the country he wants to emigrate to and have you visited?

Exh had a dream of renovating a property abroad and after a fortnight's visit and doing all the sums, we knew it wasn't viable and never looked into it again. I am sure a lot of people do that.

Mmm he really sounds like the sort of person you can 'compromise' with - not.

He goes on his own to 'give it a go'. There's the compromise.

Don't bloody move abroad with someone like this.

Have you looked into the legalities of returning home with your DC? Not worth the risk IMO even with a fab DH: yours is not.

You not wanting to emigrate is entirely reasonable. Whatever your reasons. him "giving you a dog's life because you won't is nasty and selfish.

Don't go.

That's it really. Don't go.

You haven't given one reason why you should go.

So don't.

emigrating isn't the issue; for some people it will be the best thing they've done, for others the worst mistake of their lives.

The fact that your husband will give you a dogs life if he doesnt get his own way about what is huge life-changing decision is the issue.

Do you think once you get out there he'll stop being an arsehole? Because if he doesn't you may well end up stuck out there anyway just to stay in the same country as your children.

He's sounding pretty grim so far. How is your relationship otherwise?

If he was a nicer guy then there might be a good argument for moving abroad for 1-2 years as an adventure, but being stuck abroad with him if you weren't happy wouldn't be much fun and he might renege on any agreement to return.

He's sounding pretty grim so far. How is your relationship otherwise?

If he was a nicer guy then there might be a good argument for moving abroad for 1-2 years as an adventure, but being stuck abroad with him if you weren't happy wouldn't be much fun and he might renege on any agreement to return.

him giving you a dog's life if you don't.

WTAF.

it says it all.

here's the compromise - he goes

don't feel bad about not getting assertive til now. just practise the phrase above and repeat to him ad nauseum.

it'll hopefully force him to look at this like an adult, or he can flounce off to Australia

Have you posted about this before OP?

There was a v similar thread and it transpired the DH was a total knob.

'Because if he doesn't you may well end up stuck out there anyway just to stay in the same country as your children.'

Or worse, if she is on a dependent visa and they split, guess who may well have to leave, without the children?

Could the compromise be that he goes on his own for a year of two to see how the land lies?

I have to be honest OP, I'd be thinking about separating from him even if he stayed here - he sounds awful. Certainly not someone I'd want to be stuck in a different country.

Is the real reason you're holding back is actually that you're not sure if you even like him?

"He says he has comprised for 37 years by living in the UK so doesn't see he is being unfair".

This jumped out at me. He hasn't compromised at all. He could have done this when he was a young man very easily (even if he was in a relationship with you). Could have worked two jobs to get the air fare and finance a tourist's visa at least. I presume he didn't do this. Nope, he decides to wait until his child has just started at school. Timing could not be worse really.

Has he ever actually been to this country that will magically solve all his problems?

My compromise would be to go on holiday for 3 weeks or so to this nirvana (fully paid for by him), but that's only if I saw myself staying with him long-term.

You are not responsible, or flaky: you have been clear that you don't wish to go, and he has pursued it anyway, and punished you when you haven't gone along with uprooting the whole family's life.

In your shoes I would separate unless he accepts it's not going to happen as a family and gets over that.

Yes deja vu here too OP.

It seams this issue is not going away. The best you can hope for is he finally gets tired of the idea but that would be surprising.
Have you TOGETHER researched the possibilities of this new life abroad. Have you discussed the practicalities. Why not look closely and deeply into this. How will the finances work out. Is there a plan B.

He sounds spoilt and moody. I bet he would be just the same if you emigrate.

Your present life style sounds fab.

"He says he has comprised for 37 years by living in the UK so doesn't see he is being unfair".

Aw, poor darlin', having the hardship of living in a First World Western country. Diddums.

Actually, there have been several I can remember over the years featuring a knob of a man trying to bully his family into emigrating - the one who went with 4 kids really stuck out to me. Things went downhill in a hurry and she was really up shit creek without a paddle.