Don't know where to go from here - where is the compromise?

[Bjornstar]

Hello all

I have posted about this before. I am looking for the compromise in this situation so any help would be appreciated. I am feeling a bit down today and it would be good to talk anyhow.

In a nutshell, i am very happy with the life I lead, where I live and being around the people I love. Ds is settled into a school, has friends and is happy with close contact with all sets of grandparents.

Dh, however, feels like he is wasting his life doing what we do and would like a fresh start in a warm climate, outdoor living, to do something different in his life, which I can understand as we are in the same area as we grew up. I also have the benefit of working PT where DH is full time in a job he dislikes, commuting over an hour daily. He feels like he is in prison going to work but will not re-train; instead, he believes doing the same job in a different country will make him feel better about it, because there will be more opportunities to do the things he enjoys after work.

He does not feel he is enjoying his life to the max as it is now and is desperate to make a change. Please do not think I am being boastful but trying to paint a picture that we enjoy several breaks a year and go out together regularly. He also goes out with friends and enjoys weekends abroad with friends, regular gym visits etc. it is not like he doesn't do anything!

Because we are at loggerheads over what to do with the rest of our lives, there is often tension in our household because DH gets frustrated and sometimes treats me with contempt - which does not make for a positive atmosphere. Please note this is not all the time, we do have good times. He is very strong at arguing his corner as he believes in his dream fully.

The reason I am nervous about making a move to live abroad is we are so settled (apart from DH) so I afraid of the impact of uprooting ds (aged 5); my inlaws are both in ill health; i would miss my mum and friends terribly; fear of DH still being miserable even though I go abroad is up there; and getting trapped out there forever!

A small part of me wants to give it a go as we will never know otherwise, our marriage might break up, DH will not be happy if we don't go.

Anyone had similar experience and gone through with it? Anyone see a compromise? I don't want our marriage to fail but this is tearing us apart.

Thank you

'Is there a plan B.'

Not with a person like this. And unfortunately, not in countries with strict custody laws that mean, if it doesn't work out, the returning spouse may have to return without the children.

This man doesn't sound like he'd ever be happy.

Look at the worst case scenario. You go with him and you don't like it. You miss your family and want to come back. He likes it and wants to stay. If it's Australia you're thinking of (the talk of the beaches and the outdoor life made me think it was) then you won't be allowed to bring the children back without his permission.

Would you give him that much power over you?

And yes, it sounds really familiar - have you posted before?

He has been to the country in question on his own, as have i with him-we even went there recently on holiday. I do like it there but his behaviour to me stops me going.

For example, this morning he called us on way to work. I said, 'hello, are you ok?'. He said, 'no, let me me speak to ds'. When ds didn't want to speak to him, he just hung up. He called 30 mins later or so saying he was having a nightmare, couldn't so this anymore, that he was wasting his time. I invited him to apologise for his complete rudeness and disrespect. He wouldn't, just said it was the traffic. He said he was thinking of staying away for the rest of working week with work. He has stayed true to his word as he is not home from work and didn't text or call to confirm this. He blames me for being stuck in the job and traffic!

I remember dating a guy like this, back before I emigrated myself. Whinge whinge whinge about his fucking dream. I kept thinking, then why are you dating women from here? Why not start dating women from where you want to go? I mean, I'm 45 and even 25 years ago it was possible to get on a plane, go where you wanted, holiday, maybe meet a special someone and have a pen pal relationship with them or even get married there.

He's an absolute knobhead.

Your instincts are screaming at you to not emigrate with a manchild like this. And they're right - you shouldn't.

So he is constantly behaving like that to punish you. And the DC FFS!
Not speaking to them, nor coming home to them.

All because you won't do what he wants. when the things he wants are a huge, huge deal that many, many partners would not want to do. Which is perfectly OK.

Not a good partner, is he?

Oh, seriously, Bjorn, he gets you there and it won't be any better. He won't treat you any better and you will be incredibly vulnerable. He can go on his own.

I feel really sorry for your husband.

Christ, what a massive BULLYING TWAT. Imagine him doling out the same treatment when you are isolated from your frie ds and family. Just no.

Iminshock - what? Have you read OP's last post? What planet are you observing from? Uranus?

'I feel really sorry for your husband.'

. He's had his entire adulthood to do something about his dream. No one holds a gun to your head and forces you to live in the UK.

You know what they say, "Wherever you go, there you are." I sincerely doubt that emigration is going to magically stop his bullying and discontent and disrespect to you.

I think l remember your original thread, and if so it was Australia your dh wanted to go to?

Well l do feel a little bit sorry for your dh if you've pandered to him so far, then of course once the visa comes through and time is ticking away to enter Australia he would be wanting to go.

I can't understand how you can be married to someone you can't stand up to? If you don't want to go then tell him. And say end of conversation and if it's something he really wants then agree to a divorce.

That's your compromise. Or you go for a set period. If it's Australia you will be ok as long as you don't take up PR and sell everything here (must show you have links to the UK and your move was never intended to be permanent).

I'm in the UK because of DH. I wouldn't have chosen to stay and have dc here if it weren't for him. But we will move on, when the time is right, and we can both see that's nearly soon. That is our compromise. We both have to be happy. He's happy enough here, and I'm happy knowing we can leave.

He's a bully and a rude pig. He'll be the same wherever you emigrate to. Don't go!

He can go. You might prefer your life without him!

Dangermouth - we never had a problem before we got married!

Don't worry, Bjorn, there have been several posters who posted very similar predicaments. You need to just tell him, the compromise is he goes on his own for a year or two.

NO fucking way I'd 'give it a go' with someone like this.

Is the 'dream' actually even achievable? If it's Australia houses and living costs are expensive could you afford somewhere that gives him the lifestyle he wants? Are you going to end up some distance from the things he craves therefore not for filling his ideals? The climate may be better but if he hates his profession that won't change and can a bit of sunshine really compensate enough?

Sorry but fuck that. I wouldn't move anywhere with a man who had that attitude. If my dbil was like your h I would have done all I could to talk dsis out of it. Difference is my dbil is an amazing man. Him and my sis work as a team. They pick each other up and support each other when one is struggling. They respect each other and listen to each other. Sorry but it sounds like your H isn't even close to being that man.

This needs to be a joint decision, not one you can be bullied into just to keep the peace.
And there is no guarantee of " peace", even if you concure. It is a gamble and to be honest the odds of it being a success seem stacked against you. The fact that he has refused counselling,and is trying to take you away from your support systems, just because he "wants to enjoy his evenings/ spare time" , and will give you a dog's life if you don't agree, sounds controlling and manipulative.
I would be inclined to tell him he was free to go alone, and if everything does turn out to be fabulous over there you may consider coming out later....
Good luck!

If this was his dream why oh why get married and have kids?

Or why not find an Australian woman to marry?

Perhaps him going for 6-12 months on a 'working holiday' type thing might make him realise a) that he'd miss his family (you and ds), b) that Australia is ridiculously expensive at the moment and c) work life balance is not much better there except the sun does come out more often but he might be too knackered to enjoy it!

And sorry, asking why he didn't find an Australian woman to marry is silly

Yes the cost of living in Oz is spectacularly high. It really is.

DH has always wanted to live in foreign lands. However, we have not moved; reason being, as it had to be a joint decision we both had to be 100% happy and as I wasn't we stayed.

Anyway, I degress. Recently, an opportunity arose, where we could have moved and this time I was very keen too. However, we decided not to up sticks, as my DH said what's the point....we would change our whole lives, have no support and I would still continue to do a job I dislike.

Like PP, I wouldn't go. There is no compromise....

I do like it there but his behaviour to me stops me going

So the problem is not emigration, the problem is him. Is he aware of this?

If you don't go he'll blame you for the rest of your lives of preventing him achieving his dream. If you'd do, my he won't be any happier and that'll be your fault too.