My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Does men realise the consequences

57 replies

whatanoodle · 31/01/2016 01:07

This is very generic, I know women cheat too. But for me I'm focussing on the few relationships I've had & friends of mine. I'm trying to understand the male brain, as I do think in general women realise the consequences and don't mess up as much as men.

My dp has had 2 previous episodes of emotional affair. I was checking phone bills online and not sure why but looked at his, 2 numbers txted regularly. I confronted and he denied then admitted flatterly and was stupid. Nothing ever happened. I believed him and we discussed and moved on. Oddly we can look back and laugh.
We have been together for 10 years. His previous relationships never lasted longer than a year. He has cried in the past and told me how important I am to him and values me.
We decided to have a night away for his birthday. During the evening we discussed his past EA. It was lighthearted and we looked back at how far we have come and still together. He put his hand on my leg and told me how much he loved me. We had a lovely night away and spent today going for a drive and publunch. I did notice at one point when I came back from the bathroom that he had his phone out and put it back in his pocket when he saw me. It was something in his face that I just thought that's odd.
This feeling stayed with me, I trusted he would never risk it again. But when we got home he went to the pub with mates and I checked the phone records. (we have same account). I can't explain why I felt I did this.

My hands shook as I saw a number texted all last nite while we were away and first thing this morning, up until we arrived home. I don't know how he did it but he did it.I rang the number and it was a female voice.That's all i needed to know. I have an odd feeling it was one of the numbers from previous EA, but i can't prove that. I don't know what was texted just saw the volume.

I didn't want a discussion, but I texted him an hour ago to tell him that I apologise for snooping but I just had a bad feeling and that I saw what he had done. He replied that it was nothing to worry about. But he was annoyed I had snooped. I flipped between thinking of course he's annoyed as he has been found out v he's annoyed I don't trust him.

I'm doubting myself, but I asked him not to come home and to stay with his parents tonight. I don't know if i'm being unreasonable and to trust him that there was nothing in this. I can't and wont' ring the number to ask.I wouldn't lower myself. He has texted that he can't believe i would bring this up again and not believe him. He has said it was a text from someone he didn't know and was wondering who it was by replying. I asked him why he didn't just show me and he said I would have thought he initiated. But he carried on today!
I know I have to ask him to leave. But I'm so disappointed that he would throw what we have away and to make me feel like an idiot thinking we were the perfect couple away with no worries.

I don't know what I'm asking but had to write this down as I just feel betrayed even though he is telling me i was wrong to check up on him and that it was nothing. I don't want to let go but I know I have to.don't i?

OP posts:
Report
moonfacebaby · 31/01/2016 10:31

I wouldn't have him back, he's never going to change.

I don't think anyone who cheats really considers the consequences - they're generally far too selfish to think of anything but themselves.

My exH is suffering the consequences now - he can't live the lifestyle he wants on his very good money as he has to pay for his children, the travelling to & fro, any issues his kids have with him - all he does is moan about how shit his life is. I honestly think he expected to skip off into the sunset with the OW & that life would be all peachy & he'd stop feeling "trapped"....the irony is that I think he really is trapped now.

Karma strikes - I don't think this means that something bad happens to them...I think it means that they live with the consequences of their actions. Whether that happens immediately or years later, in some way, it does bite them on their arse (although I'm sure some jammy buggers get away with it all)...

Report
Throwingshade · 31/01/2016 10:39

Your future can absolutely be with him.

But your future will be full of betrayal, heartache, disappointment and towards the end of your relationship, resentment, bitterness and even hatred.

For the love of God listen to women on here 10, 20 years older than you and understand he will not change, he is cheating, he is lying, he doesn't respect you, i won't get better. It will get worse.

Report
magoria · 31/01/2016 10:42

Up until now there have been no consequences for him.

First couple of occasions you were hurt and upset however nothing changed for him apart from giving up that little bit of fun.

Now he has consequences. He may finally realise it isn't on to treat you like this.

Too late for you and him though.

Report
musicismylife · 31/01/2016 10:45

Sorry that happened to you, whatanoodle, I think that a lot of men do it because they think they'll get away with it not necessarily the consequences (in my opinion).

And if you had proof & confronted, you'd then get the 'tears', the apology and a load of other boloney that goes with it. They would only put a show of woe is me on if they were wanting you to forgive them, and so the sordid cycle continues...

There is no excuse to treat your partner like shit. If you are not happy or you want a bit in the side, finish said r'ship. But of course, they are not going to do that, are they? Their frolicks are not worth the end of a r'ship (to them) but they want the frolicks anyway Hmm

Hey awful. I've been there & it hurts like heck.

Report
PosieReturningParker · 31/01/2016 10:45

It's not a man thing it's a shit thing. He is entitled in the worst way. He takes form you and gives you half.

My husband would be out, no questions to lie about, nothing just out.

Report
TheNaze73 · 31/01/2016 10:45

Women & Men who cheat, are the same. I do think, if it's on your mindset, to do it once, you'll do it again. I think you have every right to do what you did & he'll never change. To cheat, something must be missing from a relationship & rather than addressing this, the spineless cheats have affairs. There are no excuses for this

Report
SoThatHappened · 31/01/2016 12:09

My exH is suffering the consequences now - he can't live the lifestyle he wants on his very good money as he has to pay for his children, the travelling to & fro, any issues his kids have with him - all he does is moan about how shit his life is. I honestly think he expected to skip off into the sunset with the OW & that life would be all peachy & he'd stop feeling "trapped"....the irony is that I think he really is trapped now.

Moonfacebaby i think you just told me why one of my exes was against marriage. He said it wasn't for him.

He also has a heavy history of cheating which i didn't know about.

The fucker was smart enough to know he couldn't cheat in a marriage without real consequences. That's why he doesn't want to marry I've realised.

Report
emilybrontescorset · 31/01/2016 14:45

If you could eat the cake and not get fat you would.

If you could grind the alcohol without getting the hang over you would.

In other words if your dp can shag around without any consequences he will.

He tells you he loves you because e doesn't want to loose his ski by.
I bet you cook n clean for him and provide a nice, loving, stable homelike for him don't you?

Yet he can still get a high from fucking other women.

He just doesn't want to do his own cleaning.

I know so many men( and some women) who can't bare the thought of being alone.

It is a shame that our society puts so much emphasis on monogamy and coupledom.

You have 2 choices:
Accept it and know that he will fuck around whenever he chose a


Refuse to accept it and end this relationship now.


There is no 3rd option.

Report
MatrixReloaded · 31/01/2016 14:48

I don't agree that people cheat because something is missing from the relationship. People cheat because there is something wrong with their character.

Report
Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 14:53

Well, what were the consequences last time?
Fucksake, you don't LAUGH about it! Why on earth did you find it "funny"? Hmm

The consequences were... NOTHING.

You stayed.

And that's why he's doing it again because the consequences are:

  • most likely you won't find out (you have this one - really think this is the second time, not tenth?)
  • you let him get away with it
  • or you drop him, but - sorry lovey - he doesn't love you anyway, or he wouldn't do it - so not a big consequence to lose you anyway.


Stay strong, good bye to this shit!
Report
MatrixReloaded · 31/01/2016 16:20

I agree with the pp about laughing about it and finding it funny. My ex h did something similar over a decade ago and although I'm remarried and more than over it , it's not something I'd ever look back at and find it funny. Ill never find the hurt and upset funny.

I suspect your laugh it off attitude has contributed to him repeating it.

Report
BolshierAryaStark · 31/01/2016 17:08

Seriously who would look back on being betrayed by the person who's supposed to love them & laugh about it with them?! That right there is fucked up Hmm
There were no consequences, you showed him what you'll tolerate-are you going to make the same mistake again?

Report
emilybrontescorset · 31/01/2016 17:13

I agree with the poster who said there is no such thing as an emotional affair.

What it really means is ow/om.

Report
Kirk123 · 31/01/2016 18:06

Keep strong noodle , you deserve someone better , I know they continue to lie and lie ! Don't have him back ever ?

Report
SoThatHappened · 31/01/2016 19:16

I don't agree that people cheat because something is missing from the relationship. People cheat because there is something wrong with their character.

Matrixreloaded is 100% right about this. Generally when a relationship has something missing, we end it.

Cheaters blame the relationship lacking something for their behaviour and justify it accordingly. They minimise what they do and their personality is such that they cannot stop it...they've always got to have others on the go.

Report
jillyarmeen16 · 31/01/2016 21:31

I'm going through this.
The 'he loves me and I should know that from his actions everyday' really resonated with me. This is what my ex said. He was a fantastic partner, so generous and loving up until the last month. It's all an act, he had to do all that to keep me sweet and so in wouldn't realise. If anything it makes it worse that it took me so long to realise. All those happy times now tainted.
I now know he was messaging the ow on my birthday weekend away. Similar story.
So he treated me to a lovely happy break bit all the time was betraying me.
Since I found out he has lied and lied. Not a word of truth. He's with her now. My heart is broken.
Like you op we wernt married or any joint dc so it's a clean break. We deserve better. I hope karma is a bitch.

Report
goddessofsmallthings · 31/01/2016 22:01

During the evening we discussed his past EA. It was lighthearted and we looked back at how far we have come and still together

His previous relationships only lasted a year because the women concerned didn't believe his lies and blandishments and for the past 10 years he's been unable to find a dupe as willing as you.

The only reason you've come so far and are/were still together is that you chose to overlook his philandering and convinced yourself he loved you when, in truth, he only loves himself and would have left you without a backward glance if he'd found another woman fool enough to take him on.

What a prize he must be when all of the other women - and please don't kid yourself there have only been two - he's tried to get off with in the past 10 years have run for the hills. Think on this when you apologise for doubting him and let him back into your home which, sadly, I suspect you will do.
.

Report
Resilience16 · 31/01/2016 22:30

This guy is a cheat and a liar. You gave him a second chance and he blew it. He is treating you like a mug. You know that and you know in your heart he ain't going to change. I'm sorry, it's shit, but cut your loses and walk away now.
You are never going to be able to trust him, you will always be wondering and worrying. Is that how you want to live your life? You deserve better. Bin him.
Good luck x

Report
whatanoodle · 31/01/2016 22:32

To answer some comments above. He has not had sex with anyone else, I know this and believe this. I am not stupid and know him very well. I am not a dupe as it has been said and do find that hurtful to hear. I have forgiven him in the past as the situation with these two women was pathetic. Yes I laughed as I felt it pathetic afterwards. I was furious at the time, I didn't speak to him for 3 weeks. But I knew he was angry at himself and showed remorse. I don't believe in thrashing it out and holding something against someone when forgiven. WE have had fantastic times since and it was at a time where both of us were feeling v caught up with work and suppose we took each other for granted. I didn't look for anyone else. He through work had this ridiculous texting with these two women.
I have learnt at this age of 43 that you can never say 100% i would never do xyz. I'd like to think i'm a good person and wouldn't do wrong. But I could never guarantee and I don't know how i would react in a situation until i'm faced with it in reality.
Many would say I would never except a partner who cheated, but it isn't always that ugly and black and white and simple. I believe people can do something and be forgiven and I get over it and laugh about it after. You can't keep crying and going over it, but other situations sometimes you have to cut and leave.

I don't believe that people just cheat because something is wrong in therelationship therefore. I believe there are many reasons and I think people can justify their behaviour with excuses that are untrue. They somehow see it in their own selfish head as entitlement/not doing any harm.
I know nothing happened. that i'm 100%sure about. However I was still hurt by the deceit.
AGain now I am hurt by the deceit. We had a very close and open relationship and talked about everything and he never had that before me, that is why I a shocked that it was kept from me. That's what hurts the most. If he loved this woman, I wouldn't stand in the way, but itwas the fact that it was again an ego boost that annoys me and I see him as pathetic. That's incredibly hard when two days ago he was the man I loved.
I have been cheated on before 20 years ago but it didn't bother me like this.
goddess - you are wrong, i won't go back. when someone does something to me once I get over it,if it's worth saving and they truly sorry and see their behaviour was pathetic. Twice no. This isn't a full blown affair, he hasn't even metup with this woman. I believe that 100% and it might have only lasted an evening of texts to then say okwell nice to text bye now. But it was because i was there thinking it as a great evening that I cannot forgive him or forget this time. He has made me feel pathetic this time.
He has tried to ring me and I have not answered. He took his stuff and texted what I expected to hear and i'm sure he's hurt and thinking that it's all been a stupid mistake or i've blown it out of proportion. He has texted that he will waituntil i have calmed down to talk. I have not replied once.
I wouldn't even go out with a mate if she was texting someone else while out with me. It just looks like your not good enough company and that's how I was made to feel and can't forgive.

OP posts:
Report
goddessofsmallthings · 31/01/2016 22:40

It just looks like your not good enough company and that's how I was made to feel and can't forgive

I couldn't forgive that either and I'm to glad to hear you're of the same mind, Noodle.

He's had two strikes and now he's out and it's to be hoped you'll keep it that way.

The title of your OP should be 'Does this man realise the consequences' to which the answer is that he should begin to realise them once it sinks in that you're a woman of your word and he's blown the best thing that ever happened to him.

Report
whatanoodle · 31/01/2016 22:40

jilly, i'm so sorry to hear that, that's a worse situation that mine, so i'm sorry for not having words of wisdom yet for you. Thanks for sharing.

OP posts:
Report
whatanoodle · 31/01/2016 22:43

yes goddess, that's exactly what i'm trying to put into words, finding it hard to be that strong as course i'm hurting as i didn't want this to happen.
But you are right there, it will now sink in with him and i hate someone hurting also but I have to think of me this time, no 'us'.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Heartbroken4 · 31/01/2016 23:06

I am hoping for your outcome, Moonface.

And, Matrix, I am going to take that saying and hold tightly onto it. Thank-you.

Report
mum2mum99 · 31/01/2016 23:11

It's better with women TBH. At least we can understand each other, lol.
Well I am amazed at your intuition. So sad that he is betraying you and does not seem affected by it.

Report
Heartbroken4 · 31/01/2016 23:18

Moonface, how long did it take for all that to kick in?

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.