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Relationships

Does men realise the consequences

57 replies

whatanoodle · 31/01/2016 01:07

This is very generic, I know women cheat too. But for me I'm focussing on the few relationships I've had & friends of mine. I'm trying to understand the male brain, as I do think in general women realise the consequences and don't mess up as much as men.

My dp has had 2 previous episodes of emotional affair. I was checking phone bills online and not sure why but looked at his, 2 numbers txted regularly. I confronted and he denied then admitted flatterly and was stupid. Nothing ever happened. I believed him and we discussed and moved on. Oddly we can look back and laugh.
We have been together for 10 years. His previous relationships never lasted longer than a year. He has cried in the past and told me how important I am to him and values me.
We decided to have a night away for his birthday. During the evening we discussed his past EA. It was lighthearted and we looked back at how far we have come and still together. He put his hand on my leg and told me how much he loved me. We had a lovely night away and spent today going for a drive and publunch. I did notice at one point when I came back from the bathroom that he had his phone out and put it back in his pocket when he saw me. It was something in his face that I just thought that's odd.
This feeling stayed with me, I trusted he would never risk it again. But when we got home he went to the pub with mates and I checked the phone records. (we have same account). I can't explain why I felt I did this.

My hands shook as I saw a number texted all last nite while we were away and first thing this morning, up until we arrived home. I don't know how he did it but he did it.I rang the number and it was a female voice.That's all i needed to know. I have an odd feeling it was one of the numbers from previous EA, but i can't prove that. I don't know what was texted just saw the volume.

I didn't want a discussion, but I texted him an hour ago to tell him that I apologise for snooping but I just had a bad feeling and that I saw what he had done. He replied that it was nothing to worry about. But he was annoyed I had snooped. I flipped between thinking of course he's annoyed as he has been found out v he's annoyed I don't trust him.

I'm doubting myself, but I asked him not to come home and to stay with his parents tonight. I don't know if i'm being unreasonable and to trust him that there was nothing in this. I can't and wont' ring the number to ask.I wouldn't lower myself. He has texted that he can't believe i would bring this up again and not believe him. He has said it was a text from someone he didn't know and was wondering who it was by replying. I asked him why he didn't just show me and he said I would have thought he initiated. But he carried on today!
I know I have to ask him to leave. But I'm so disappointed that he would throw what we have away and to make me feel like an idiot thinking we were the perfect couple away with no worries.

I don't know what I'm asking but had to write this down as I just feel betrayed even though he is telling me i was wrong to check up on him and that it was nothing. I don't want to let go but I know I have to.don't i?

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Heartbroken4 · 07/02/2016 03:01

Ha. A much more realistic desire is that he reaps what he sows. Ha.

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SoThatHappened · 07/02/2016 00:33

Ooh now now heartbroken!

I don't want my ex to be injured or for any physical harm to come to him. I dont really want anything to to happen to him.....what I mean when I say I want to see him go under, is that I want to see him be no different in life with anyone else. I want him to keep being him.

His behaviour with me was bad. he was dismissive, narcissistic, selfish, using, took moods out on me, took his stress out on me whilst belittling mine etc etc. Even though I know he also treated his other exes poorly, I have somehow convinced myself that he is absolutely lovely to everyone else, including his current gf.

Given his track record, that may be unlikely but I cant shake it. I just want to see him never change and reap what he sows.

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Heartbroken4 · 06/02/2016 20:14

I am currently fantasising about him being very injured, but not killed, in a bad car accident.

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SoThatHappened · 06/02/2016 19:15

I know. I want to see my ex go under. Doubt I'll get that comfort.

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Heartbroken4 · 06/02/2016 17:35

Not quite the comfort I was looking for, Happened ...

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SoThatHappened · 05/02/2016 02:48

Who know how long it will take to kick in....every individual situation is different. Some may realize in a few months, some may never.

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Heartbroken4 · 05/02/2016 02:02

Any answer, Moonface?

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Heartbroken4 · 31/01/2016 23:18

Moonface, how long did it take for all that to kick in?

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mum2mum99 · 31/01/2016 23:11

It's better with women TBH. At least we can understand each other, lol.
Well I am amazed at your intuition. So sad that he is betraying you and does not seem affected by it.

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Heartbroken4 · 31/01/2016 23:06

I am hoping for your outcome, Moonface.

And, Matrix, I am going to take that saying and hold tightly onto it. Thank-you.

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whatanoodle · 31/01/2016 22:43

yes goddess, that's exactly what i'm trying to put into words, finding it hard to be that strong as course i'm hurting as i didn't want this to happen.
But you are right there, it will now sink in with him and i hate someone hurting also but I have to think of me this time, no 'us'.

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whatanoodle · 31/01/2016 22:40

jilly, i'm so sorry to hear that, that's a worse situation that mine, so i'm sorry for not having words of wisdom yet for you. Thanks for sharing.

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goddessofsmallthings · 31/01/2016 22:40

It just looks like your not good enough company and that's how I was made to feel and can't forgive

I couldn't forgive that either and I'm to glad to hear you're of the same mind, Noodle.

He's had two strikes and now he's out and it's to be hoped you'll keep it that way.

The title of your OP should be 'Does this man realise the consequences' to which the answer is that he should begin to realise them once it sinks in that you're a woman of your word and he's blown the best thing that ever happened to him.

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whatanoodle · 31/01/2016 22:32

To answer some comments above. He has not had sex with anyone else, I know this and believe this. I am not stupid and know him very well. I am not a dupe as it has been said and do find that hurtful to hear. I have forgiven him in the past as the situation with these two women was pathetic. Yes I laughed as I felt it pathetic afterwards. I was furious at the time, I didn't speak to him for 3 weeks. But I knew he was angry at himself and showed remorse. I don't believe in thrashing it out and holding something against someone when forgiven. WE have had fantastic times since and it was at a time where both of us were feeling v caught up with work and suppose we took each other for granted. I didn't look for anyone else. He through work had this ridiculous texting with these two women.
I have learnt at this age of 43 that you can never say 100% i would never do xyz. I'd like to think i'm a good person and wouldn't do wrong. But I could never guarantee and I don't know how i would react in a situation until i'm faced with it in reality.
Many would say I would never except a partner who cheated, but it isn't always that ugly and black and white and simple. I believe people can do something and be forgiven and I get over it and laugh about it after. You can't keep crying and going over it, but other situations sometimes you have to cut and leave.

I don't believe that people just cheat because something is wrong in therelationship therefore. I believe there are many reasons and I think people can justify their behaviour with excuses that are untrue. They somehow see it in their own selfish head as entitlement/not doing any harm.
I know nothing happened. that i'm 100%sure about. However I was still hurt by the deceit.
AGain now I am hurt by the deceit. We had a very close and open relationship and talked about everything and he never had that before me, that is why I a shocked that it was kept from me. That's what hurts the most. If he loved this woman, I wouldn't stand in the way, but itwas the fact that it was again an ego boost that annoys me and I see him as pathetic. That's incredibly hard when two days ago he was the man I loved.
I have been cheated on before 20 years ago but it didn't bother me like this.
goddess - you are wrong, i won't go back. when someone does something to me once I get over it,if it's worth saving and they truly sorry and see their behaviour was pathetic. Twice no. This isn't a full blown affair, he hasn't even metup with this woman. I believe that 100% and it might have only lasted an evening of texts to then say okwell nice to text bye now. But it was because i was there thinking it as a great evening that I cannot forgive him or forget this time. He has made me feel pathetic this time.
He has tried to ring me and I have not answered. He took his stuff and texted what I expected to hear and i'm sure he's hurt and thinking that it's all been a stupid mistake or i've blown it out of proportion. He has texted that he will waituntil i have calmed down to talk. I have not replied once.
I wouldn't even go out with a mate if she was texting someone else while out with me. It just looks like your not good enough company and that's how I was made to feel and can't forgive.

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Resilience16 · 31/01/2016 22:30

This guy is a cheat and a liar. You gave him a second chance and he blew it. He is treating you like a mug. You know that and you know in your heart he ain't going to change. I'm sorry, it's shit, but cut your loses and walk away now.
You are never going to be able to trust him, you will always be wondering and worrying. Is that how you want to live your life? You deserve better. Bin him.
Good luck x

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goddessofsmallthings · 31/01/2016 22:01

During the evening we discussed his past EA. It was lighthearted and we looked back at how far we have come and still together

His previous relationships only lasted a year because the women concerned didn't believe his lies and blandishments and for the past 10 years he's been unable to find a dupe as willing as you.

The only reason you've come so far and are/were still together is that you chose to overlook his philandering and convinced yourself he loved you when, in truth, he only loves himself and would have left you without a backward glance if he'd found another woman fool enough to take him on.

What a prize he must be when all of the other women - and please don't kid yourself there have only been two - he's tried to get off with in the past 10 years have run for the hills. Think on this when you apologise for doubting him and let him back into your home which, sadly, I suspect you will do.
.

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jillyarmeen16 · 31/01/2016 21:31

I'm going through this.
The 'he loves me and I should know that from his actions everyday' really resonated with me. This is what my ex said. He was a fantastic partner, so generous and loving up until the last month. It's all an act, he had to do all that to keep me sweet and so in wouldn't realise. If anything it makes it worse that it took me so long to realise. All those happy times now tainted.
I now know he was messaging the ow on my birthday weekend away. Similar story.
So he treated me to a lovely happy break bit all the time was betraying me.
Since I found out he has lied and lied. Not a word of truth. He's with her now. My heart is broken.
Like you op we wernt married or any joint dc so it's a clean break. We deserve better. I hope karma is a bitch.

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SoThatHappened · 31/01/2016 19:16

I don't agree that people cheat because something is missing from the relationship. People cheat because there is something wrong with their character.

Matrixreloaded is 100% right about this. Generally when a relationship has something missing, we end it.

Cheaters blame the relationship lacking something for their behaviour and justify it accordingly. They minimise what they do and their personality is such that they cannot stop it...they've always got to have others on the go.

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Kirk123 · 31/01/2016 18:06

Keep strong noodle , you deserve someone better , I know they continue to lie and lie ! Don't have him back ever ?

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emilybrontescorset · 31/01/2016 17:13

I agree with the poster who said there is no such thing as an emotional affair.

What it really means is ow/om.

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BolshierAryaStark · 31/01/2016 17:08

Seriously who would look back on being betrayed by the person who's supposed to love them & laugh about it with them?! That right there is fucked up Hmm
There were no consequences, you showed him what you'll tolerate-are you going to make the same mistake again?

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MatrixReloaded · 31/01/2016 16:20

I agree with the pp about laughing about it and finding it funny. My ex h did something similar over a decade ago and although I'm remarried and more than over it , it's not something I'd ever look back at and find it funny. Ill never find the hurt and upset funny.

I suspect your laugh it off attitude has contributed to him repeating it.

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Cabrinha · 31/01/2016 14:53

Well, what were the consequences last time?
Fucksake, you don't LAUGH about it! Why on earth did you find it "funny"? Hmm

The consequences were... NOTHING.

You stayed.

And that's why he's doing it again because the consequences are:

  • most likely you won't find out (you have this one - really think this is the second time, not tenth?)
  • you let him get away with it
  • or you drop him, but - sorry lovey - he doesn't love you anyway, or he wouldn't do it - so not a big consequence to lose you anyway.


Stay strong, good bye to this shit!
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MatrixReloaded · 31/01/2016 14:48

I don't agree that people cheat because something is missing from the relationship. People cheat because there is something wrong with their character.

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emilybrontescorset · 31/01/2016 14:45

If you could eat the cake and not get fat you would.

If you could grind the alcohol without getting the hang over you would.

In other words if your dp can shag around without any consequences he will.

He tells you he loves you because e doesn't want to loose his ski by.
I bet you cook n clean for him and provide a nice, loving, stable homelike for him don't you?

Yet he can still get a high from fucking other women.

He just doesn't want to do his own cleaning.

I know so many men( and some women) who can't bare the thought of being alone.

It is a shame that our society puts so much emphasis on monogamy and coupledom.

You have 2 choices:
Accept it and know that he will fuck around whenever he chose a


Refuse to accept it and end this relationship now.


There is no 3rd option.

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