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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need support tonight

85 replies

Headdesk · 30/01/2016 17:55

I know there are people on here with much much bigger problems than me right now but I need some support.
My oh cheated on me a month or so ago (just a kiss but I still consider that cheating) he said sorry we worked it out, he's done a lot to prove he's sorry and change things.
But tonight he's going out for the first time without me since it happened and I'm just a crying mess. I know I can't keep him in forever but the whole thing just has me worrying, will she be out (they run in the same circles but he has completely stopped talking to her or having any contact at all) will he meet someone else. Every bad possibility is going through my head and I really just need someone to tell me it'll be ok :(

OP posts:
Soapmaker34 · 30/01/2016 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 22:10

What did you want us to say, head ?

The comfort you need should come from your husband and he is out on the town leaving you crying at home

There is no way we would ever validate that. It's not OK.

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:12

you're right I shouldn't have posted, I just feel worse than I did before

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 22:14

What did your friend say this evening ?

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:16

Nothing, she just came over and watched a film with me. I just wanted company and to take my mind off of it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 22:17

Has anything we have said come as news to you ?

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:19

I don't agree with a lot of it. I know him and I know how hard he is trying. I honestly regret posting this because it's just made me feel so much worse.

OP posts:
biscuitz72 · 30/01/2016 22:23

I do think it's too soon for him to be going out without you, but what's done is done. I think you're handling this as well as can be expected. Be kind to yourself; watch your favourite movie or read your favourite book whilst you have a nice cup of hot chocolate/glass of wine and some chocolate. Try to distract yourself and if it gets to much text him and ask him to leave as soon as he (politely) can. Let him know you're struggling. Let him support you.

I'm sorry for all the harsh posts on here Blush

Killairno · 30/01/2016 22:24

HeadDesk Sorry you got a rough time on here - I think some posters have some points, he should be reassuring you , not us but you were looking for handholding and distraction more than anything, I think so sorry you didn't get that.
Glad your friend came over, hope your OH isn't back late and you get some good sleep.

lazymoz · 30/01/2016 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxinthebox · 30/01/2016 22:25

I think the problem here isnt that you posted, its that you need support and 'we' (mostly) have given support.

Nobody can say it will all be ok - it wont ever happen again, that has to come from your husband.

Yes, he made a stupid mistake, yes you say he has stopped drinking. But you are clearly still hurting and trying not to hurt, trying to make everything ok. You cant just turn the clock back, you have to deal with the hurt, learn to trust him again and that is the part that is hard to do. That is what takes time - time and support from your DH.

Going about your day to day 'normal' business is all well and good but its fake - until the day that its not fake, and then it will be ok.

There is no time scale to trusting someone again - dont be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to hurt, be angry, be upset and you are allowed to ask WHY he did this?

AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 22:25

What is harsh about reminding op that she deserves more ?

mummyoftwo83 · 30/01/2016 22:27

Hope your ok, things will get easier. Ignore all the dull comments xx

Solmum2b · 30/01/2016 22:29

I'm not sure if this helps or not. But think about how upset you are and how that effects you and your baby. Pregnancy is hard enough as it is. Be kind to yourself. The only person who feels terrible when you are a complete sobbing mess is you. Trust me I know. It's not nice, but people deserve a second chance (not a third though)

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:30

I feel like I'm being almost attacked for not being more angry or demanding he stay in. On a whole day to day we are fine, he's more than shown me that he's sorry and it was a mistake, but this is the first time he's gone or without me since it happened and I'm a bit wobbly over it. He hasn't gone when I've told him not to, he's not demanded that I leave him alone to do what he wants, the opposite, he asked if he could go, said he wouldn't if he didn't want me to, said I can text/call whenever I want and he will answer. I didn't see what was to gain from me making him stay in, I have to try and get back to normal eventually, it's just it's the first time and I needed some support through it because I don't really have any in real life

OP posts:
user7755 · 30/01/2016 22:30

This, is harsh when someone is asking for support:

op martyrig herself like this makes me very uncomfortable

As well as getting angry, I would hunt out your self respect

You seem to have mislaid it

and

poor desparate Mrs clingy stays home sobbing. He must feel like he's the catch of the century. Stop crying and get angry.

This isn't tough love, it's kicking someone when they are down.

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:31

I'm not pregnant! Got really confused then haha!

OP posts:
LetsBeeAvenue18 · 30/01/2016 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummyoftwo83 · 30/01/2016 22:35

There's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of support, tour bot the first and certainly bot the last girl in the world that something like this has happened too x

biscuitz72 · 30/01/2016 22:44

Oops. Meant to say 'too much' not 'to much'. Bloody predictive text.

All that matters is that you're happy with how things are going and that you feel he's doing enough to show his remorse for what happened. I think the first time he went out alone would've always been difficult (be it 1 month or 6) and if it's important to you that things get back to normal then it was the right thing to do.
I wish you all the best.

The op came on here for some hand holding, not to be criticised for her decision to agree for him to go out alone. I think, therefore, that we should respect her wishes and instead offer the support she wanted (but that's just my opinion and I can see where you are coming from, and I'm not saying I disagree; just that it wasn't what the op was looking for).

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:50

Thank you biscuitz I know people think I'm stupid for giving it another try but there are a million good reasons why I did.
He's been texting me all night and says he'll be home soon anyway.

OP posts:
MuddhaOfSuburbia · 30/01/2016 22:58

God if I'd read this whole thread and then the OP my jaw would be dropping

It's all a bit...disproportionate?!?

OP, it's shitty I know, but we're all human beings and sometimes we fuck up

I know plenty of couples where one of them fucked up like this-drunken snog at works Christmas do and the like-and they're still together years afterwards, in happy,balanced relationships. Respecting themselves and each other

From what you tell us, it sounds like your OH feels terrible about what he did and is trying to do the right thing now

As a pp said-give him a second chance, but not a third

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 23:35

He knows this is the only and last chance he will get. I know I come across as stupid but as I said I had a million good reasons to try again. If I didn't think he was genuinely sorry then I wouldn't have tried again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headdesk · 31/01/2016 00:14

i don't really understand what that has to do with me..... I'm not putting him I a pedestal, I just gave him another chance because he seemed genuinely sorry.

OP posts: