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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need support tonight

85 replies

Headdesk · 30/01/2016 17:55

I know there are people on here with much much bigger problems than me right now but I need some support.
My oh cheated on me a month or so ago (just a kiss but I still consider that cheating) he said sorry we worked it out, he's done a lot to prove he's sorry and change things.
But tonight he's going out for the first time without me since it happened and I'm just a crying mess. I know I can't keep him in forever but the whole thing just has me worrying, will she be out (they run in the same circles but he has completely stopped talking to her or having any contact at all) will he meet someone else. Every bad possibility is going through my head and I really just need someone to tell me it'll be ok :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 18:27

So why are you so anxious he is going out tonight ?

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 18:29

Because I over think things anyway, I've always been like it.
I think you're right, I don't have any friends irl who aren't too busy to talk to me so I just needed to talk to someone. But I'll just leave it now. I do appreciate all the responses though thank you.

OP posts:
Prayingforsnow · 30/01/2016 18:30

I'm sorry but none of us can say it's going to be ok. But you say you believe he is genuinely sorry and not a complete dick and that's the most you can hope for I think.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 18:32

Stop blaming yourself for your perfectly reasonable response to being cheated on.

LetsBeeAvenue18 · 30/01/2016 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 18:35

He won't get another chance and he knows that.
I was meant to be going to a friends house to take my mind off of it but they cancelled on me so I'm just sat at home.

OP posts:
user7755 · 30/01/2016 18:36

It sounds like you are happy that he is doing what he can to reassure you but you have had your trust and confidence knocked (completely understandably).

I think coming on here may have been a mistake because you will get posters being very negative which is not what you need at all right now.

If I were you I would turn this off, get a bottle of wine, order a takeaway and watch a film. Ask him what time he will be back (perhaps suggest that he come back early so that you can spend some time together this evening), it sounds from your posts like he will make the effort to come back on time even if just to reassure you.

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 18:37

I think that's what I'm going to do. I know if I asked him to come home he would but I just wanted to get back to normal :(

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 30/01/2016 18:38

Agree with AF.

He could have feigned illness so he didn't have to go.

I know it's hard in some way not to feel like you're being 'unreasonable'. But it doesn't sound like a compulsory thing, it sounds like he wants to go out rather than has to... Hmm

After DH's affair was discovered he had to go to a work 'do'. It was a presentation evening. He had to go as he was presenting an award. He didn't drink, left asap, took a photo of the menu to prove he was where he said he was. And after that he didn't go out again for almost a year. Not because I would have stopped him (he never put me in that position), but because he wanted to prove that he was willing to do whatever he could to make things right. And, unfortunately for him, that meant not going to things that were just social.

It was the price he had to pay, and he was willing to pay it.

JonesTheSteam · 30/01/2016 18:40

It's too soon to get back to normal. It's not something you can 'force'. It will happen when it happens and when he's put in a lot of work to reassure you.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 18:43

I can only assume "normal" takes rather more than a month to achieve.

LetsBeeAvenue18 · 30/01/2016 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justforthisfred · 30/01/2016 18:49

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's really horrible :(

I totally understand you wanting to 'move on from it'. It's natural. But what you really mean is 'I want to pretend it never happened and go back to how it was' and that, my love, isn't going to happen.

You and he both need to understand WHY it happened. He can't reassure you it won't happen again, until you both know why it happened in the first place. If you put it down to 'he'd been drinking' then everytime he has a few drinks it's just as likely to happen again. But to be honest it's never just because someone's been drinking. There's always a deeper reason, you just have to face it if you want to move on.

But tonight you need to have a little faith. He knows how much he's hurt you, he knows how worried you are, he'd have to be an out and out wanker to do it again tonight. If you really think he could do that to you again tonight, then you have bigger problems than him kissing someone. Xx

babyboomersrock · 30/01/2016 18:50

I feel like he's been made out to be this complete dick, he's not, he did a fucking stupid thing when he was drunk

Well, if that's the effect drink has, I assume he's agreed not to drink when he's out alone?

OP, you sound as though you're the one doing the work here (ignoring your own needs, being understanding, trying to suppress your anxiety) - that's not your role. He strayed - he works to regain your trust, however long that takes.

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 18:58

Well, if that's the effect drink has, I assume he's agreed not to drink when he's out alone?

He stopped drinking after it happened a month ago

OP posts:
Olddear · 30/01/2016 19:00

Well if he done a stupid thing because he got drunk, there's nothing to worry about is there? He was drunk after all......how could it possibly have meant anything Confused

babyboomersrock · 30/01/2016 19:06

Glad to hear it, Headdesk - that's the least he can do.

Try not to be too defensive about him just because we seem to be criticising him - keep your head clear, and remember he did something wrong. It might "just" have been a drunken kiss but it has - quite justifiably - made you very unhappy.

I get the feeling you think you should be over it by now - but he hurt you badly. A month is nothing.

Take care Flowers

BifsWif · 30/01/2016 19:25

I'm glad he's not drinking and has been reassuring today.

Maybe after tonight he shouldn't go out for a while, it's not nice for you to be home alone feeling this way.

Can you have a nice hot bath, open a bottle of wine and watch something trashy? What time will he be home?

MatrixReloaded · 30/01/2016 20:09

I often suspect that informing someone that you've cheated on them is some sort of test. A month is absolutely nothing and certainly not long enough to prove himself trustworthy or sorry. As others say he should have faked illness. He should also be looking for another job.

You are making a classic mistake in believing his cheating was caused by drinking. Drinking , depression , redundancy or a bad marriage does not cause cheating. Otherwise we'd all be doing it. Character traits cause cheating.

HeddaGarbled · 30/01/2016 21:20

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AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 21:25

Yes, op martyrig herself like this makes me very uncomfortable

As well as getting angry, I would hunt out your self respect

You seem to have mislaid it

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:03

I'm not doing nothing that at all. Saying I have no self respect is a bit harsh. I regret posting this, I just needed someone to talk to. I don't doubt my decision to forgive him and work on things. And I did get angry, very angry, but it did me no good and made me feel worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:04

How am I clingy?

OP posts:
Soapmaker34 · 30/01/2016 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Headdesk · 30/01/2016 22:08

My friend came over. I'm just tired now so I'm going to bed :)

OP posts:
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