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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

If you stopped someone emotionally abusing you how did you do it?

95 replies

spad · 24/01/2016 13:26

Please can you tell me. I am finding it difficult to keep being strong.

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slithytove · 24/01/2016 22:23

They do change. When dd died, DH changed. 3 years later, and the man I met is nearly back.

I suspect that is rare though.

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Namechanger2015 · 24/01/2016 22:25

Living with someone who doesn't care for you or actively seek out your company is would destroying. It just eats you up inside. Please don't live like this and don't let your tiny babies do the same.

If you left he would have to pay towards the children. You are married and so the courts would enforce that as would child maintenance. You can do this.

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PrimeDirective · 24/01/2016 22:27

I left - best decision I ever made.
It was only then that I realised that I would never put up with being treated like that ever again.

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tiredvommachine · 24/01/2016 22:27

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles?msgid=58805781#58805781

Have a read of this OP and remember, most people fit a couple of these profiles.

Life's too short

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spad · 24/01/2016 22:28

Slithy

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter.

I have done everything I can to give him a reality check. On Boxing Day after another verbal bashing I gave him my ring back and walked away. He has most definitely made a huge effort to work in a team with me and things really had been getting better. But on Friday we were discussing the car debacle and I basically got reprimanded for being frightened of driving his truck in the city. In his family such a conversation would have been normal. In my family we are really good at being kind and helping each other. My Dad said that he doesn't understand that if his wife is scared then it is his job to make sure she doesn't have to do whatever it is. I could handle him not buying me flowers after a car accident. I did handle that. I wouldn't even have expected them. But to be reprimanded for not wanting to step out of my comfort zone and cause him inconvenience after all the hard work that he has done to get me the car. It makes me feel so sad.

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AtSea1979 · 24/01/2016 22:28

spad leave him and ask him to attend couples therapy, then maybe one day he will have changed and you can continue, but until then you need to get out of there. It's the only way he will start respecting you again.

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PeppermintPasty · 24/01/2016 22:29

If your question about how I threw him out was to me, I'm fortunate in that I wasn't married to him and the house was mine. I told him it was over one morning. He didn't believe me. That day I packed his stuff in bin bags and put it all in the garage for him to pick up. He eventually realised I was serious and gave me the door key back three days later and packed his bin bags and buggered off.

I got to that point after some seriously unpleasant shit of course. Thank god I did.

Can you go and get some legal advice? Have you got real life support?

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PeppermintPasty · 24/01/2016 22:31

Sorry, I see of course that your dad is supporting you.

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spad · 24/01/2016 22:35

I think at the moment I plan to quietly get legal advice and get my shit together so that I can stay and he will have to go. That would be 'easier' for our children.

I would like to ask him to leave to frighten him because I really want him to sort this out. And I know he wants to too. He has a very dear friend who is studying psychology. He has been very honest with him and I know he knows he is mean. I know he doesn't like it and I know he wants to change. He can't admit this to me but it is a start and a glimmer of hope. We have had a few stressful years and he has tried to make changes. I don't feel like the ship has sailed just yet but I am going to live a happy life and I can't do that unless my husband is my friend.

Thanks for the link to that book. It looks very good and I am going to buy it.

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spad · 24/01/2016 22:37

I have to go to bed now but please keep the advice coming.

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Humble314 · 24/01/2016 22:38

You aren't ready to leave / split up quite yet. I mean that in the kindest way possible, not as a judgement. I left once, and it used up so much energy but he manipulated me in to returning because I felt bad for him

He had so successfully trained me to have a heightened awareness of all of his needs that even after I'd got away and was settled elsewhere he made me feel that I owed it to him to give him a second chance. Like that I really owed it to him. Like I owed the bank for the mortgage, ykwim?

Only when you get to the point where you can recognise that you don't owe it to him to stay with him no matter what he says, eg, ''you're not perfect either'' or, because he's not all bad.. or whatever other guilt trip he lays at your feet, only then will be you ready to leave.

AT the moment you're still asking yourself why is he like this? you have to stop focussing on this question

Ask yourself instead why do you tolerate it? You asked upthread "but how do I not tolerate it?" and it's a good question. In my opinion the only power that you have is to remove yourself from his orbit.

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Humble314 · 24/01/2016 22:39

I mean, the first time I left. I did leave for good the second time, thankfully. Everything's good now and the dc are happy!

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venusinscorpio · 24/01/2016 22:41

Totally agree with Humble. Please don't pin all your hopes on saving this relationship. Focus on you, and what your future will be like.

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SoThatHappened · 24/01/2016 22:41

Can anyone really get the better of an abuser? Do they ever change even with a new partner. Or is it just who they are?

I think the latter.

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spad · 24/01/2016 22:41

Thank you Humble.

I am pleased that it is working out for you.

How old are your children?

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spad · 24/01/2016 22:42

How did you organise your split?

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 24/01/2016 23:36

Took me years to realize that I couldn't change my husband through sheer force of will and compassion. You just cannot do it. Doesn't matter how many times I tried to help him, get others to help him, create the perfect environment for him to help himself... Didn't work, didn't happen, didn't get insight, learning and hope.

He was incredibly self destructive, and I think it gave him genuine pleasure to destroy me but by pit. It wasn't done with deliberate intent to hurt, that was merely an irrelevant side effect... I was just an irrelevant side effect.

I poured heart and soul into our marriage and him for years. He got to be an expert in ripping apart our life, stability and good prospects

The only thing that (finally) changed was me. I got him out after so many years of abuse. He refused for months but finally went and all I felt that day was joy, lightness of my heart and shoulders, and freedom in my soul.

I gave myself me back. And my love, self respect and world view, I gave myself some chances back. Tbh it's too late in many ways for me to ever recover, but it's still worth it.

You cannot give a damaged person happiness and healing. They have to do it themselves. And mostly, they don't want to / can't.

Don't let him take you and your children with him.

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Cloudhowe63 · 24/01/2016 23:36

I would like to ask him to leave to frighten him
IME if you issue an ultimatum you have to be ready to follow through otherwise you weaken your position. Only you know whether you're prepared.

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slithytove · 24/01/2016 23:44

I do think it sounds like you will have to separate.

DH was only able to see how bad things had got at the point I was preparing to leave him. Ironically, his parents verbally attacked me, and that eventually made him stand up and support our family. It's been hell though and we aren't totally there yet.

But we did have a huge life changing event which turned both of us until complete messes. So not everyone will respond as well to meds and counselling I suspect. Or be receptive to the idea.

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bb888 · 25/01/2016 03:53

I would like to ask him to leave to frighten him

I agree with Cloudhowe (great name btw), don't use this as an ultimatum, ask him to leave when you are sure that you want him to leave.

When you do get to the point where you have decided that you do just want it to be over, try and have some contingency plans in mind. It might be that he is able to be mature about things, but its also possible that he becomes angry and frightening. Its a good idea to have a bit of a plan in place, so that you have a place to go if you need to in a hurry. I don't mean to say that to put you off or worry you, but having just left a difficult relationship I did find that the level of anger went up a lot, and it was a huge relief to me that I had friends who let me know I was always welcome if I needed help.