If you stopped someone emotionally abusing you how did you do it?

[spad]

Please can you tell me. I am finding it difficult to keep being strong.

[diege]

The Abusers Profile was linked to for me when I originally posted on Tuesday. Think its the title of a thread that's kept bumped?
Your dh sounds controlling and cold. How does he respond when you call him up on the way he treats you?

[venusinscorpio]

Just because he's from an emotionally abusive background you don't have to let him abuse you. It's not your job to fix him.

[bb888]

I left. He wasn't always that way, in retrospect it started showing itself around the time when I would say that the relationship ended (rather than when we actually split up years later). So maybe we should have separated sooner.

[wizzywig]

I realised he was going to kill me and i didnt want to die. Once i realised that, i was outta there

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Another leaver here. We went to Relate but basically he wouldn't accept he was doing anything wrong so didn't change. It got to the point where I had a breakdown and that's when I had to leave.

[DespicableBee]

The car thing, he should have been more sensitive to your emotional needs because of the accident,
He doesn't sound supportive

[Cloudhowe63]

Kicked him out. Like others here, I waited too long. He wouldn't take any responsibility for his behaviour. At that point I understood (thanks to reading posts on here) that there was no other option.

[slithytove]

Counselling for both of us, anti depressants for him, and distance from his abusive family. It's been a long hard slog but worth it.

[LapsedPacifist]

Individual counselling for me. Antidepressants for him.

[user7755]

Left him, lasted 7 years and just decided I'd had enough. Already had a bag packed from a few days away, so just in a very low key way, said 'I don't want to do this anymore' and walked out.

Still living with the after effects of repeatedly being told I am fat and stupid 15 years later. Get out sooner rather than later.

[WaitingForMe]

I left him. It took years to fully appreciate just how awful he was, mostly thanks to my current DH and learning what a normal healthy relationship was.

[Serenelight]

Slithy and Lapsed, how did you get him to see that he needed antidepressants?
Did things improve?
My husband can't stand to be challenged on anything. He is extremely critical and calls me idiot etc for no reason. He is controlling and loud. If he thinks that I am challenging him or insinuating that he is wrong in any way he goes crazy and totally over-reacts. I do think that he could be depressed but I don't think I could raise that without heading for major upset.

[Serenelight]

Slithy and Lapsed, how did you get him to see that he needed antidepressants?
Did things improve?
My husband can't stand to be challenged on anything. He is extremely critical and calls me idiot etc for no reason. He is controlling and loud. If he thinks that I am challenging him or insinuating that he is wrong in any way he goes crazy and totally over-reacts. I do think that he could be depressed but I don't think I could raise that without heading for major upset.

[venusinscorpio]

Why do you think it would be reasonable for him to verbally abuse you if he feels depressed? Do you think most depressed people do that? I think it's very sad that people on this thread seem to think they should put up with abuse to support a man. Please, just leave these abusive men.

[venusinscorpio]

And for any intervention to work, the man himself is going to have to want to change. That is very rare. Don't let him use you as an emotional punchbag.

[Roundles]

I don't think you can stop them. You stop them by knowing you are worth more than that, and removing yourself from the situation.

[Roundles]

Situation - relationship.

If your partner is open to change then you can support him from a safe distance (if you wish to). If he is not, then please please please remove yourself. I spent five years with a man who called me stupid daily. My only regret is it took me so long to walk away.

[PeppermintPasty]

I chucked him out. Almost 2.5 years ago. He hasn't changed, they never change. He is still trying to cause shit in mine and my DC (our DC)'s lives. Just today, incredibly, I have had to report him to the police, but that's another story.

When he went too far in our so called relationship, I drew my line in the sand and stuck to it. He realised he could no longer push my buttons and he has been angry about it ever since.

Please please realise he will not change. I stood there that day, when I finished it, and I had a clear vision of how bloody awful my life would continue to be, FOREVER, if I didn't throw him out. A vision of how awful my dc's lives would be with him in our house making us all miserable, making us walk on eggshells.
It's not worth it.

[Humble314]

I left with one bag and two dependants. But then, he abused me through the courts for a while. Things are finally alright now.

[spad]

But how did you throw him out?

[Roundles]

What is your situation?

House/kids/finances etc? People will advise you. There is a wealth of knowledge and support here

[Humble314]

Can you go and stay with your Dad?

Treating you like shit is an excellent coping mechanism for these guys and they won't let go of it. If you think that there is some collection of words that you just haven't found yet that will get through to him and stop him from treating you with contempt then you're wrong.

The ONLY thing I ever did that penetrated my X's forcefield of delusion and entitlement was when I went NC on him. He still bleats that he did "nothing wrong". So I'm afraid you have to leave knowing that he won't accept it, understand it, acknowledge that you had no choice, acknowledge that he treated you badly. NONE of that will ever be admitted by him, so you have to just learn to live his low opinion of you. But fuck that, let him have his low opinion of you. You have one about him. You'll have your freedom.

[spad]

Three very small babies. The oldest is three. I am a stay at home Mum. I do have a job that I could go back to but by the time I paid childcare I would have no money left. I feel so sad for my dh. I so want this to work but I don't see how it could.

I could handle a marriage without empathy. I don't think many men are good at that. It's being shouted at, the constant negativity and lack of fun and shared ideas and plans. I know he has made a huge effort but it is all so far from my normal. He thinks that providing an income for a family is the same as caring for your wife. If I stay I will either end up being his 'Mummy' and accommodating his tantrums or his victim. I have tried so hard to help him and I don't think I can do it for much longer. He doesn't seek out and enjoy my company.

[Namechanger2015]

I left him too. He was emotionally abusive for the first 5 years, and then physically. Then another five years of emotional abuse followed by the second violent episode.

I took my young children (7, 5 and 2) and I left. I read ALOT about emotional abuse online and in a million books. I'm one year one and I am free.

I thought he was a wonderful dad until I left and realised how stifled my children had been living in a house where mummy is desperately trying (and failing) to please daddy every single day. I was breaking and my little girls were going to go under with me.

Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. It has been a year of hell but still, always, the best thing I ever did.

If he treats you like shit please consider leaving him. It's terrifying and it does affect the children. But honestly, it is not half as damaging to the children as letting them continue to live with an abuser.

Keep posting your thoughts online. We will support you. No pressure, but support.

[spad]

Humble, that's how I feel. I could easily stay with my parents but they live a bit of a distance away. That wouldn't be so good for the kids.

Why can't they recognise and take responsibility for their behaviour? He has had a hard life. I so don't want this to be what he gets. I so want it to work. I have almost given up.