Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexually assaulted by friends husband whilst I slept

51 replies

Ninjaturtle101 · 22/01/2016 00:13

Feel sick to my stomach and really shocked. Have just found out from the man himself that when I stayed over at their house (I hadn't seen my friend for yrs) when I was sleeping he...quote "did something beautiful to me that he will remember for the rest of his days"- whilst I was f***g asleep!. What he described after and I can't be too graphic has made me feel sick as he said I responded to him. I have no recollection of this happening and worst of all this was about 17yrs ago. Now in theory I should be over it as it was a long time ago but I've only just found out and am having trouble dealing if I'm honest. My situation is complicated and I can't tell anyone so it's just bouncing around in my head and I can't think of anything else. On top of that my partner has been groping me whilst asleep leading to rows (complicated!) so I'm starting to feel pretty much like I have no control over what people do to me which is freaking me the hell out. Appreciate any comments...just needed to say it to someone without worrying about fall out.

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 22/01/2016 00:22

Could he be making it up for perverted reasons of his own?

Given what he described do you think it is likely/possible that you wouldn't have woken up?

Beyond working through whether it's true or he's an evil liar, I think you should tell your partner what this man has said to you.

Meloncoley2 · 22/01/2016 00:41

What he says may never have happened.....
If your head is messed up with the thought, seek the right sort of counselling for your area, which may be something like Relate.

peppielillyan · 22/01/2016 00:53

could be a big fat lie produced by a sick brain

Bogeyface · 22/01/2016 00:56

Or it could be true.

Could you message or email him to get him to admit to it again so that you have evidence to take the police?

Flowers
Waypasttethersend · 22/01/2016 01:00

You need to dump your partner! Then deal with the historical Bastard

pinkyredrose · 22/01/2016 01:03

Yes can you get him recorded and tell the police?

Wrt your DP he sounds just as awful with obviously no respect for you. I would ditch him, get him out of your life, he's making you feel worse not better.

headexplodesbodyfreezes · 22/01/2016 01:04

Unless you were very drunk you are very unlikely to have slept through something like that. He may well be making it up.

VerticalCheese · 22/01/2016 01:15

Your partner is commiting a sexual assault, if you are unconscious, you have not given consent!!

TheJacksonEight · 22/01/2016 01:51

Is it possible your partner had told your friends partner what hes been upto and hes trying to make it into some form of sick joke??

Firstly- you need to leave. Pack a bag with essentials and go where you need to go. Ideally wait until your partner is out of the house. If you have children- take them with you. What he is doing is sexual assault. As soon as you have left- you need to go to the police.

Try and get some evidence of what your friends husband has said. A telephone call. A text. Anything.

I hope you have somewhere safe you can go OP. And you need to talk to someone who can hand hold for you as us Mnetters cant do that unfortunately

Valentine2 · 22/01/2016 02:59

If there is nothing's by else troubling you (you wrote "complicated" in brackets that's why I write this) about your current partner then is there a chance you just need to help him control his drive rather than quit right away?
There is a chance that the matter with your friends husband is making you more averse to your partner than it would have been otherwise? There are many times I can recall when OH woke me up abruptly and after a few such times I told him firmly that if it was what he wanted at that hour of the night, he better behave and ask me properly (read lots of gentle foreplay and certainly nothing while I was still foggy with sleep). Never happened afterwards. try and see if you really wanna sort this out between you two. As for that other arse, he is history. Tell him as much using your middle finger. He did a nasty thing in the past. Why should that stop you focusing on your future too. That's what he is after too I suspect. Don't give him that pleasure at all. And don't be scared/disturbed in front of hi . Show him who is in command between you two.

LovesPeace · 22/01/2016 03:55

Sleeping people are sacred, should be protected and never touched.

You have a right to sleep in peace - can you change your life so that you are safe?

Hugs.

Offred · 22/01/2016 03:56

Valentine - groping someone while they are asleep is a problem with them not understanding or respecting the law on consent. It isn't a problem with sex drive.

I think your reactions are normal OP.

If you have only just found out about it then of course it doesn't matter if it was 17 years ago, you have only just found out about it. He is telling you he sexually assaulted you.

Your current partner is regularly sexually assaulting you too.

I second the advice to get counselling support from WA or rape crisis and I think you should leave your current partner TBH.

MoominPie22 · 22/01/2016 11:52

I´m presuming Ninja meant her partner was groping her whilst HE was also sleeping. Therefore it´s not actually in his control and hardly LTB territory Shock. I think this is probably common, people do have dreams afterall.

With regards to the pervert, why do you believe him? Why assume he´s telling the truth? Normal people don´t say such weird, fucked up shit unless it´s for effect. I think he sounds like he´s got issues, the slimy tosser! He probably fancies you but he´s got a malicious streak. He sounds dangerous!

Is he still with your friend? What were the circumstances when he told you this? Just trying to get some context. Cos unless he actually drugged you I think he´s full of shit but he is decidedly unpleasant!

category12 · 22/01/2016 14:03

Maybe talk to rape crisis and get some support with the historical offence. (Although it might as well be new as you have only just learned of it.) You may wish to report the offence.

blindsider · 22/01/2016 14:23

You need to dump your partner! Then deal with the historical Bastard

Talk about jumping to conclusions!! her partner may also be asleep,. For instance I according to my wife 'thrust' all night in my sleep, much to my embarrassment. - Luckily she finds it endearing Smile

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2016 14:27

Groping is different, blindsider, and it's led to rows already. I don't think the OP meant he was groping in his sleep. 'Groping' shows intent.

blindsider · 22/01/2016 14:30

Imperial

You may well be right but the OP doesn't say and its a bit of a leap to suggest ending a marriage when you don't know. The rows may just have well been caused because 'the groping' woke her up!!

NameChange30 · 22/01/2016 14:40

I think your partner is the immediate problem. I'm not minimising what your friend's husband has told you, which must be deeply upsetting. It's just that you are still at risk from your partner. Groping you in your sleep is sexual abuse. If you're having arguments about it, that seems to suggest that when you challenged him he didn't apologise and promise never to do it again? If that's the case it's extremely worrying. My advice is to call Women's Aid or Rape Crisis and talk it over with them - they are the experts and they will be able to reassure and advise you.

Something else to consider is that if your partner does not respect your boundaries when it comes to consent and sex, there is a possibility that he could be emotionally abusive as well. Please read these signs of emotional abuse and see if any ring true.

Either way I strongly recommend that you talk to a professional, whether that's Women's Aid, Rape Crisis, or a counsellor.

Good luck.

ImperialBlether · 22/01/2016 14:43

She's not married. It's clear the groping is the problem, not waking her up, ff! She says she is feeling like she has no control over what people do to her. That is a very scary thought.

blindsider · 22/01/2016 14:51

It's clear the groping is the problem, not waking her up, ff!

Again that is your inference on what she has said. You may well be right but there is certainly ambiguity in her choice of words....

All she has stated is that she has been groped whilst asleep and it has led to rows (complicated) nothing else!!

NameChange30 · 22/01/2016 15:01

The wording doesn't make it clear who is asleep, but I think we can infer from the rest of the post that the OP means her partner is groping her while she is asleep. Is that right OP? Or is your partner doing it in his sleep?

Original poster
Ninjaturtle101 · 22/01/2016 15:04

Thank you everyone...This is my first thread I've posted and was as nervous as hell :)
Am so much better dealing today. Moominpie22...my partner is very much awake when he does it unfortunately but can't afford to leave and wld break kids hearts as they think the world of him so i put my problems to one side and get on with trying to be a good mum. Am secretly saving saving saving for when the time is right though.
As for the husband, the contact came as a result of a 'get back in contact' email to her (he has now remarried and my old friend was an alcoholic last time I saw her after the divorce...probably explains a lot I know) that he picked up - it was an old email address from when they were married. It was general chat about jobs and family but then just got very weird very quickly. Have blocked him so won't be hearing from him again. Thank you everyone. From work, school runs, clubs and house and laundry, I don't talk to people much and it has made me feel so much more positive knowing you're all out there and are dealing with the same sort of stuff I am.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/01/2016 15:12

Sorry to be blunt, but most of us ^aren't> dealing with partners who grope us while we are sleeping. That is very shocking and completely unacceptable.

blindsider · 22/01/2016 16:27

Ninja

my partner is very much awake when he does it unfortunately

What you are describing is sexual assault, you should at the very least explain to your partner if it continues you will report it. What you kids think of him is frankly immaterial.

Casmama · 22/01/2016 16:34

From what you write about your old friends husband it makes me think it even more likely he was making it up -and likely getting turned on. By doing so -revolting perv. I would assume it didn't happen and try to forget he said it.

Your partner is a much bigger issue and I think you need to make clear to him if he does it again that you will go to the police- I think you would be better to leave him but accept you don't want to do that until you're ready.