DH is passive. I like to get things done. Cue fights <sigh>

[SSDD8]

I am so fed up of going round in circles with the same old fight.

I used to do everything around the house, but since last summer (and reading Wifework!) I've been stepping back a bit, especially on things that really should be DH's responsibility (such as sorting things out for his side of the family). So. Latest row has just gone like this:

• In late December, we found out some things had to be sorted for DH's DPs (that they can't do themselves). I would have got it all sorted in about 30 minutes of emailing.

• early Jan, I put a 'reminder' in our shared calendar for DH to do it. Didn't get done.

• last week, I ask DH if he will do it. "Yes" he says. Didn't get done.

• Monday, I asked him to do it yesterday and made him promise. Didn't get done.

• Today, I get annoyed by broken promise and his general inertia (with everything, he has to be told to clean the house etc, will never ever just get up and do it himself) and so brought it up again.

It soon escalated into a huge row. I told him he is passive, lazy, and I am fed up of having to do all the thinking and doing in the house. I said that how he puts things off has both embarrassed me (he never wrote his wedding thank you cards "I said thanks, why do I have to write a card as well") and affects us because instead of just doing X and getting it done, he puts it off until X has turned into XYZ and the thing that needs doing is even bigger. The problem is that his refusal to get things done often has negative implications for me too.

In return, he called me a martyr and a control freak and told me to 'go away' (charming! ). Mostly though, he just continued on his laptop - his passivity extends to not even making eye contact during a row discussion, because he doesn't like conflict.

I accept, I am very organised, I like to tick off my to-do lists and so the total opposite of him. Yeah maybe I am a control freak because generally my way of doing things is efficient and the best! I accept I will never change him or even understand him. What can I do to help myself let things go a bit more?

When I first moved in with dh he was terrible about writing cheques to pay bills - always about to do it, never did. I hit the roof when we had a red bill for something, so I was added to his bank account, so I could write cheques. I was SO pleased when standing orders and direct debits became the norm! I didn't realise that i was enabling him. I did ALL the housework, life organising, etc, for 40 years; reasonably fair as I was sahm, and dh had a long commute, and was studying. Roll on to retirement, and although he started some big tasks in the garden, all the everything else still landed at my feet, until I had an accident, and was unable even to sit up for a while, then on crutches for months. He simply HAD to learn to make a meal, go shopping, change the bedding, etc. He's since taken on a lot more tasks, and become much more capable. It also taught him just how long stuff takes! Sometimes I do write him a list, and I find he works from that far better than me telling him what to do - different dynamic. Sort it NOW, not 40 years down the line!

Op. I could have written your post.
I've wasted 16 years on a passive aggressive lazy yet inoffensive man child.

We're seperated now. The dc haven't even realised hes gone again...

In all honesty of I had my time again, I wouldnt waste another 6 months on him.

Exdp left EVERYTHING to me. All bills, housework & childcare. He was meant to do DIY & gardening but didnt bother so the house & garden got into a real state butbhe didn't care.

I even cleared mil house when she passed away whilst 5 months pregnant while he sat in 'his' chair.

He didn't bother to get up out of bed for my scans when pregnant with out last dc.

Wouldn't attend the assessment appointments when both our ds were assessed & diagnosed with ASD.

Never attended a school or open evening.

Im meeting him tomorrow. I know he wants to come back but what's the point? He won't change. Im better off on my own.

Excellent post MaryRobinson

The dynamics of the relationship is something i really relate to. I defniately am at the point of realising we can't change. I can't accept the situation so we need to part...

Hi OP. I am back. Hope you are feeling ok after all the comments.

I think there are some posters who are married to lazy gits who can't be arsed doing horse so use passive Ness as a way out of it. I don't think that's your DH. He works hard and tries to please people. He just doesn't understand assertiveness and thinks it will be taken the wrong way by others. He has a fragile ego and is insecure about what people think of him, hence not asking for his overtime and not giving feedback to his boss etc. His parents were disappointed by his lack of brilliance as a child which has made him feel inadequate despite evidence that he is very competent. Don't lots of us feel that way at times?

He has also learned - probably as a child - to repress and hide his true feelings and so either can't access them or is more comfortable shutting them out (withdrawing). This is his only way of wrestling power back when he feels under attack, which is probably what he feels when you nag or berate. My DH does the whole 'I can't do anything right' line and also says he has to walk away in arguments so that he doesn't lose it. I would rather he lost it - more honest - but he sees that as devastating.

It does sound as if you have enabled him - I do the same, and if I am honest it is because I really want everything done and under control. I am a so-called control freak if you like. But you have to let him fuck it up if he is going to grow up and accept that sometimes he jus has to suck it up. He's never going to jump up and do the task straightaway like you would because having it hanging over him doesn't stress him out like it would you.
The thank you cards are a different story, because he didn't think they were necessary. Thats why he didn't do them. But he said he would beca use that is his habit. It's called temporary compliance as it gets you off his back. He hates conflict and so will avoid it even if it makes things worse in the living run.

I don't think your DH is a basted. But he does have issues, and in some ways you aren't well suited, but it doesn't mean it has to be the end. You agreed he has good qualities.

sorry about typos - on phone

I really recommend relationship counselling, it sounds like he may have depression or anxiety, certainly big self esteem issues as he struggles with being assertive. Perhaps if you were both able to understand how you are each upsetting each other there would be strategies for avoiding hurting each other and giving what the other one needs, maybe he could get some counselling and you would both benefit from him becoming more assertive and confident. I really think sometimes the wife or husband can't fix the other one and you need professional help from an outsider. It would be a shame to leave this relationship in 6 months if nothing changes, better to talk about how unhappy you both are and decide to try new things to fix the problems.

April - that's a really helpful and positive post. OP I agree with April. Do you think your DH would be up for it? If his default setting is to avoid, it might be tricky convincing him but if he tlunderstood it was necessary to save the marriage, it could work.

Life is too short to be with someone who is passive aggressive, who is lazy, who doesn't respect you, you would be so much better on your own, your workload would go down dramatically because you wouldn't be picking up after a man child. Please do not have children with this lazy disrespectful man, you would get no support. I just think it's so unattractive the laziness and mothering him, does he actually have any good points, or does he just suck the life out of you. Imagine being old with him?
My DH writes all his own birthday cards, thank you cards, Xmas cards for his friends and family, why would I write them for him??? He puts on washing, loads dishwasher, makes packed lunch for kids, putsbin out, dies hoovering, cleans bathroom whenever these things need doing, I don't have to prompt him or write lists! That's because he's an adult, he just does it. I think men who don't do all this without their wife's nagging them are completely capable they are just choosing not to, as they have no respect for the other people in the house

Woah op, this would do my absolute head in.

You need to tell him you are stopping. Make a list of everything fun lie admin and cleaning that needs done. Split it in two. Tell him you will not be chasing up or reminding him of anything. Id he can manage to do his paid job well enough and do the things he enjoys it shows he is able and ignoring anything else is a choice. Why will he do it if you continue to pick up the slack. Start with the thing for his DPs. Tell him you will not longer chase him up or remind him.

Lots more to take in, I think we are very different people when it comes to this aspect of our personalities, but we are very alike in the other ways so I don't think it's a case of we are fundamentally unsuitable for each other.

Well thank you for your very insightful posts. I think he MIGHT be up for counselling but would feel quite nervous. I'll see. I think we both need to make more of an effort, I think I can come across as overly critical and that can't be nice to be on the other end of.

OP some of your descriptions of your DH had me genuinely wondering if you had hooked up with my ex especially the stonewalling (refusing to discuss problems) and the availability to others at our expense.

Likewise I had considered him laidback during our initial time together whereas now I realise he was so out of touch with his needs that he'd go along with whatever anyone asked of him. Which was a lot. In fact, I used to feel very irritated on his behalf by what others asked of him. For example, he'd spend a weekend wallpapering a colleague's living room simply because they'd asked. Or pick them up from the airport, stuff like that. Stuff that everyone has to deal with - including us. But time and again I'd be left with the kids while he did chores for others, people who never helped us out, not that we'd ever have requested airport lifts or free handyman services.

And I, like you, am an organised, tick-box sort of person. No wait, I was a control freak. I really was. So yes, we drove each other crazy.

We tried counselling, lots of it, but our relationship continued to deteriorate.
I felt that he didn't engage, that he attended and said what the counsellor wanted to hear, but reverted the moment we left her office.

As I tried to improve myself by being less controlling and more assertive, he stepped up the stonewalling to the point where I wasn't allowed to open any sort of discussion at all and we were essentially living a false life.

He moved from passive aggressive to aggressive, culminating in awful, drunken rampages and I asked him to leave.

In hindsight I can see how we were both screwed up and created a whole new screw up in getting together. When I shook the foundations by trying to grow, it all came unstuck.

So I'm guessing that if you both want to save this relationship, you both need to do the work. Hard when one person is a stonewaller.

Looking back I think we should have separated much sooner. Because once the standards of behaviour slip, the rot seeps in and it becomes increasingly difficult to salvage the relationship.

All the best OP. You can't make someone change but you can be clear about your expectations and standards.

I would be leaving his family stuff to him, not reminding him or in any other way playing into that crap.

You could just be simply incompatible, which is enough to end a relationship - he would prefer you to be laid back (not give a shit so much) and you want him to be more pro active (to actually give a shit).

Sometimes it takes living together to realise that you are simple incompatible and no amount of nagging will change that.

Mine has just texted to say he is getting the tea on. Do I dare to dream of something slightly more elaborate than boiled vegetables this time......?

I wish I had realised earlier on in my relationship with DP just how difficult it would be when we first moved in together.

He would have to be asked to do things round the house (eg empty dishwasher). Nothing was ever reciprocated. He doesn't do negotiation/discussion so my attempts at rota's & sharing tasks were pointless - he just agreed to get me off his back & then didn't bother his arse.

I stepped back. He didn't step up. We got mice in the kitchen as the unwashed, dirty dishes just sat there. It was just a stalemate. It wasn't about the dishes per se, it was about his inability to step up, to communicate, to compromise. These are deal-breakers.

I should have run for the hills.

Then I got pregnant in a failing relationship & I am still stuck with him now. My resentment is huge; it has killed my love for him. I'm lumbered with all the domestic crap, childcare, organising, as well as working. There is a lot of bickering, with me delegating stuff, which 1/2 the time he doesn't do. He is very good at avoiding responsibility.

This could be your future,OP. Think carefully. Call him on stuff. Toughen up your boundaries. But don't waste time (especially if you are in your 30's) on a man who will never step up.

Nobody is stuck in a miserable relationship - you can actually leave and be independent and stronger you know.

Jan, I'm stuck just until DD starts school. I have an escape plan in progress.

How old are you OP? I wonder how much time you have to waste on this.

Good luck Sauv.

Does any of this chime...?

www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm
“One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.
Passive aggressive behavior is complex and takes many forms. We all have passive behavior that comes up when we don't want to deal with conflict directly or do a task. We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. That's normal. It's only when repeated passivity creates severe issues for others setting up continual tension and anger in the household that it becomes a serious problem that should be addressed. Common examples of this habitual, passive retreat style of dealing with confrontation and stress include:
•The person who says one thing but means the opposite.
•The man who acts passive but aggressively gets his own way by not doing what is wanted.
•The person who fears self assertion and confrontation, but says no by sidestepping responsibility.
•Anyone in the family who creatively gets out of doing his or her part of the chores.
•The Mr. Nice Guy who puts on the sweet face to agree, then does what he darn well pleases.
•The parent who refuses to discipline the children and insists on the spouse being the ‘heavy.'
•The person who refuses to hear criticism, discuss his problems or read books about the issue.
•The not ready to be committed man wanting someone there for him but feels entitled to his freedom.
•Any individual who spends his effort into under achieving in school, in relationships and in life!
What all of these people have in common is that the significant people in their life become very, very angry at their resistant behavior. The negative energy in the relationship boomerangs from one partner to the other resulting in an unhappy relationship.
While women can have passive aggressive behavior, this condition is more typically found in men, therefore this article will focus on the typical male version of this dynamic. The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance.

loooopo Thank you. Just - thank you