DH is passive. I like to get things done. Cue fights <sigh>

[SSDD8]

I am so fed up of going round in circles with the same old fight.

I used to do everything around the house, but since last summer (and reading Wifework!) I've been stepping back a bit, especially on things that really should be DH's responsibility (such as sorting things out for his side of the family). So. Latest row has just gone like this:

• In late December, we found out some things had to be sorted for DH's DPs (that they can't do themselves). I would have got it all sorted in about 30 minutes of emailing.

• early Jan, I put a 'reminder' in our shared calendar for DH to do it. Didn't get done.

• last week, I ask DH if he will do it. "Yes" he says. Didn't get done.

• Monday, I asked him to do it yesterday and made him promise. Didn't get done.

• Today, I get annoyed by broken promise and his general inertia (with everything, he has to be told to clean the house etc, will never ever just get up and do it himself) and so brought it up again.

It soon escalated into a huge row. I told him he is passive, lazy, and I am fed up of having to do all the thinking and doing in the house. I said that how he puts things off has both embarrassed me (he never wrote his wedding thank you cards "I said thanks, why do I have to write a card as well") and affects us because instead of just doing X and getting it done, he puts it off until X has turned into XYZ and the thing that needs doing is even bigger. The problem is that his refusal to get things done often has negative implications for me too.

In return, he called me a martyr and a control freak and told me to 'go away' (charming! ). Mostly though, he just continued on his laptop - his passivity extends to not even making eye contact during a row discussion, because he doesn't like conflict.

I accept, I am very organised, I like to tick off my to-do lists and so the total opposite of him. Yeah maybe I am a control freak because generally my way of doing things is efficient and the best! I accept I will never change him or even understand him. What can I do to help myself let things go a bit more?

I would feel nagged over thank you notes and sorting things out for my own parents though.

The things XH didn't do were things like telling the builder to start work on our roof but then refusing to chase up his bonus money while the building work was going on meaning I had to use my savings and overdraft to pay for most of it (SAHM). Failing to buy a car that was big enough for our family while I was PG with twins despite me constantly telling him it was important to me that we were able to leave the hospital as a family - he had 9 months FFS.

Thank you notes and stuff to do with his family just seems like not so much of a big deal, though I appreciate it is difficult to live with someone who just never does anything on their own.

And no he didn't pay me back.

He could have borrowed my mum's car to pick us up from the hospital but decided not to.

I just think you sound very different and either you can step back a bit, pick your battles and accept your differences or you should leave.

Actually Offred, some of the stuff he hasn't done over the years have had huge financial implications. And that's why it annoys me so, because stuff like that affects me too. At the time, he didn't return a document that he should have done (he carried it around in his car for four weeks before I asked, "oh how did you get on with doing that form?" and he confessed he hadn't done it) and we were penalised. He swore to me he'd never put things like that off ever again. But he does. So, it's not just cards. E.G. This email he needs to send is similarly important.

And yes a few times in the past he has refused to chase up overtime money that is owed to him, meaning we are out of pocket, because he didn't want to "inconvenience" his manager. Honestly it is everything from small things to the largest.

How long are you prepared to sit this out OP?

The longer you stay the more you will regret it afterwards, it will feel like a waste of your life.

Op is there any chance your DH would read wifework? It helped my DH see my point of view. I can empathize to a point because there are times when I have to prod DH into action. I do think that you're going to feel more and more resentful and if you have children you'll probably end up frazzled. I doubt your DH will change and I doubt you will either but I expect your not quite ready to accept that. I think not doing his washing etc will be interesting if he avoids confrontation will he raise it with you?

I see someone has created a link to the thread 'Incompetent husband'. Op, it's well worth a read.

If HE doesn't chase money that HE is owed then HE is out of pocket because HE isn't arsed enough to do anything about it . You put everything in terms of 'us' and 'we' and it sounds to me like he has a different idea of what those sort of words mean than you do.

I don't think Wifework is the issue here, this man is incompetent at everything not just housework.

Nah, I think you're flogging a dead horse on the basis of that SSDD, sorry.

This way of living his life suits him. You should read stuff about living with someone passive aggressive and turning into the shrieking banshee.

He's not passive. He's passive aggressive. Procrastination is actually a very classic passive aggressive activity.

I know it's hard but you need to stop reminding him and just leave him to fuck up on his own a good few times, and it will take several missed deadlines etc for the message to sink in. He is currently in the mindframe of not worrying about it because you'll eventually sort it.

Unless it's a life or death situation let him fall on his face. Again. And again. It's basic training really.

Separately you need to think about why you are married to him.

OP, do a bit of googling about passive-aggressive personality traits. These types are very difficult to be in a relationship with, as you never really get the truth out of them; it's very hard to pin them down to anything.

Resentment is a killer in relationships; imagine how furious you will be with kids & having to manage a partner who behaves like a child. It will fill you with rage!

It's maybe too much of a leap for you to be leaning now. But I would address the behaviour now & see if he responds to your boundaries. If he can't negotiate/discuss/compromise you have far bigger issues. Better to find out now than in 10 years.

Jesus. Beginning to wonder if my partner has a load of secret wives. Right down to practically organising his brother's stag and writing his best man speech.

Taking notes.

Plus, I've recently been diagnosed with OCD which is a gift for him, as he can say that everything I get upset about is just me being mental

Take a step back & let him drown. For an action to work it needs a consequence

OP, you both work full time but he asks what's for dinner?

Just make your own dinner, do own laundry. He won't change unless he thinks he has to.

I don't think it is possible to let someone you are married to drown. They just escalate the PA behaviour to important things that really do compromise you.

One thing I will say is that it's amazing all the things XH can do now that I have left...

Luck, there's no reason for you to sort the stag do. That's something you've taken on for no reason at all. Are you planning to be a doormat the rest of your life because that's the impression you give.

Someone has linked to the Awful Warning thread already I think....what more is there to be said? I love MN but I was shocked to join and see all these threads.

I felt like I was reading something I'd written myself here, op. The lack of communication is the most frustrating part of being with a passive/lazy git for me! Like you say, when DH refuses to respond during important discussions I end up raging like a mad woman and still, he sits in silence making odd sounds here and there!
I'm yet to find a coping strategy! Sometimes, I'll blow up and he'll try for a few days, then back to square one.
I posted the man-child thread just today- mine can barely get himself up in the morning unless it's me nagging him. I have a small lie-in myself and all goes tits up.
Maybe withdrawal is the answer?! Like you say doing his own washing...

Lots of responses to catch up with, sorry! That incompetent husband thread was an eye opener. I've saved it to read and take in properly. Yes Lorelei that's correct!

You are all so kind warning me about having kids with him but to be honest - we haven't had them yet and I do think on some level that's because I already know exactly what you're saying. I need him to buck up before I have children with him. And if it means leaving and having children with someone else, again like I said it isn't off the table for me at this stage, but I'm not there yet.

I think for the last 6 or so months I have felt myself detach a little. On some level there is resentment for the way he treats me and that is a love and passion killer.

He hasn't spoken a word to me all evening by the way

I'm going to give it six months and see what happens. I'm happy with that as a timeline. I think it's long enough to see how withdrawing my 'support services' will affect him and to see if he steps up while at the same time it's short enough that I don't have to sit here and waste my life too much longer if that's the way it goes.

Notgrumpy has your DH realised or noticed you taking a step back? Has he dropped the ball on anything serious yet? If so was it your fault for not reminding him?! (I can see this being something DH would say but let's see!)

He hasn't spoken to you to punish you, I think, for daring to challenge him on his behaviour. You're supposed to toe the line.

Glad that you aren't going to taje his crap anymore.

SSDD it's taken many rounds of the same utterly frustrating diatribe about how I can't recall the conversation we must once have had in which I agreed to do all the housework, food shopping, meal planning, research around household purchases, etc, as well as holding down a full time job during a nervous breakdown followed by a close bereavement while he layin bed until mid afternoon watching horse racing worked from home. Despite some upheaval in his own life he has slowly come to realise he has been taking the piss. We seemed to turn a corner the day I came home from work a couple of weeks ago and he had made me some boiled vegetables for tea (nothing else, just boiled the veg that was left over and going off after Christmas) which I was insufficiently grateful for and I think the penny dropped that he just wasn't putting in enough effort. Mostly we live like housemates rather than a couple but at least I've realised I need to please myself because his priorities are quite different to mine. But I'll get my garden how I want it and I'll go on holiday where I want and when I can afford it with or without him and he knows it. For me the turning point was realising that he had made it into his 40s before I turned up to show him the difference between his arse and his elbow so he CAN do it.

No it wouldn't be my fault for not reminding him, when he's dropped it in the past he's at least acknowledged that I have tried to get him to actually do the task in question and that he should have been more pro active but it has rarely ended in a lesson learned!