Not interested in sex. At all. Am I normal, depressed, or in need of help?!

[rewardformissingmojo]

3 kids, always tired, DH is brilliant but I feel bad for him. How often / infrequently should we DTD? I've always thought that No means No, but maybe I'm being selfish?

PrimeDirective That´s a good idea and interesting. I think with us, we´ve lost any affection and physical closeness too. So what you describe might at least help with that and then hopefully more would naturally happen over time...We´ve become more like housemates

I think they seem more up on this sort of thing in the U.S as whenever I research anything related to women´s hormones it´s often American sites and info that I find. They even do implants that administer testosterone! Though surprise surprise there´s nothing like that available over here.

I´m wondering if I´m either low in testosterone or oestrogen dominant I ordered some natural hormone replacement cream made from wild yams years ago but it didn´t do anything. It was meant to boost progesterone.

It´s not normal and quite disturbing to feel like you could easily go the rest of your life with no sex. It´s also not normal to think that you´d rather clean the toilet than do the deed! It just became like another chore on the To Do list.

Do you think your husband desires and fancies you?

What does he do to make this blatant to you? (feeling you up whilst you try to make dinner is not an outward measure of desire).

I'm the same. Why does our sex drive just up and go? It's not and never has been related to dh/dp. I've found throughout all my relationships, that once the mad shagging stage is over, I just lose interest completely. I still fancy and love the person concerned but have no onterest in sex.

I think this is a white elephant that is never discussed. People always talk about when you get your sex drive back etc etc, but what if you don't?

Can I ask a difficult question to those of you with no sex drive? Please answer honestly.

If your DH/DP has a high sex drive and you feel hassled to have sex. How would you feel - hand on heart - if they found a lover? Say, if this was someone they did not feel love for but helped them satisfy their urges, if this parallel relationship was totally discreet and nobody knew about it, if not even you knew.

You would have a DP/DH who still loved you, who would be happier and who wouldn't pester you. You wouldn't have to know about it either.

I often think my husband would secretively be relieved if I had a lover, provided he didn't know - hope this makes sense.

Treedweller I would be pretty devastated. Cos what you´re describing is an open relationship, only on one side. And then there´s the very real possibility that my OH would then become emotionally involved with that person, or even that she would with him.

Very messy imo, and a sure-fire way of dooming the relationship, as far as I´m concerned.

Actually in your last sentance, you´re suggesting an affair then? ...nope not for me anyways. I´d rather try and work through this problem we´re currently having. It is a mind-fuck tho

Hi Devastated that´s a very useful post and I can identify with a lot of it. I always said after I was a mother I wouldn´t let myself go and be a stretchy/elasticated clothing wearing, hair in a bobble, never shaving my legs ( or other bits ) frump who stops exercising and starts hoovering up any shit within arm´s reach...

Well that is exactly what I´ve become! But can you believe I went to the hairdressers today and had 6 inches cut off my hair and he hasn´t even bloody noticed?! That´s how relevant I am! I sometimes wonder why I bother.....

That´s great the EPO worked for you. I get awful sore boobs 3 wks out of the month. I´ve got some in I just need to remember to take the damned things! lol

I´m glad you got your relationship back on track

Fancy swapping? Shoe is on the other foot in my house!

Seriously I bet its hormones. Breastfeeding does reduce libido and it can make you feel a bit 'touched out' as well. Hope things improve soon

Thank you all so so much for sharing your experiences and ideas. I am possibly hormonal touched.
Prime I bloody love the idea of affection with guaranteed no sex!

I am breastfeeding my goatlike toddler once a day and have the dryness/reduced drive thing a bit. Plus in my case tired/ recently bereaved/awful work issues not helping!

I agree you need to compromise - eg try hard to get yourself into the mood, and give it a go even when you are knackered, but equally, the up for it partner needs to get some serious orgasm-inducing skills.

Basically, the lower drive partner shouldn't coast off the patience of their frustrated partner and the higher drive partner needs to ask what would perk up their partner's interest rather than sulking about them not meeting some sort of porn standard.

Stripy and blue your bf-related experiences are very encouraging to me. Thank you.
MrsHoolie and madnson

Treedweller no. I have spent some mental energy on the concept, and just no. I'd prefer him to masturbate more frequently though! and bother me less often
devastated great post. I will try the Evening Primrose Oil.

European and crazyhead looks likely to be bf-related then. Reassuring and terrifying - I was hoping to continue breastfeeding for extended time. Although it would be wonderful to wear clothes I actually like for their style rather than their boob access!

Oh, the 'chat'.
This is embarrassing, even on an anonymous internet forum.

As DH sat on the floor, playing with baby, he lifted one butt cheek and farted loudly, right in front of me. (This is sadly nothing unusual in my household).
I suggested that as I don't fancy teenage boys, perhaps his behaviour might be a variable to consider when wondering why I don't feel like sex. I'm paraphrasing here, there may have been more ranting . He just looked a little shame-faced (as he always does when caught farting publicly). Doesn't sound so bad actually, written down.
I was cross with myself as now I don't feel I can raise the subject for a serious talk, for a while.

However, feeling guilty, I offered a bj later and ended up having sex, positively reinforcing his behaviour? job done

I now feel more relaxed as I'm unlikely to be seriously harassed for sex tonight!

Hang on...you ranted at him for farting and told him that's one variable about why you don't want sex?

Talking about positively reinforcing his behaviour, coupled with telling him off makes it sound like you are his mum not his wife.

And yea I get it that farts can really gross people out and different people have different preferences..but to actively rant at someone and shame them over it, and regarding sex?

I think that was really cruel actually.

And it makes me wonder if there is more at play here than just being tired and not feeling in the mood.

Norest rant perhaps too strong a word. yes I do sound like a mother! Was it really that cruel? I must have lost perspective - be honest with me.

I really don't find farting attractive, I have a brother, it seemed like brotherly behaviour more than loving partner behaviour.
It wasn't the way to start an adult discussion though, I freely admit that

me too!!!!!!!

I have been really upset about this too... I have two boys - one aged 2 years old and my other boy is 3 months old... I am incredibly attracted to my partner but I have absolutely NO desire to have sex... the kids are always around us... I can't just switch off to have sex even if our baby is in the room and sleeping in his cot... I just feel like I can't tuned out... I am so tuned into my baby and feel that I can't tune into my partner... AND I am just so goddamn tired... all I want to do when I have a spare minute or when I am in my bed is go straight to sleep...

My DP always wants to DO IT at the totally wrong moments.... like last thing at night or VERRRRRRY early in the morning and I just can't rise to that pardon the pun!!

I am terrified that this is ultimately going to lead to the end of my relationship at some point.............. :(

I have a 22 month old who I still breast feed and I have a pretty close to zero sex drive.

Me and DH didn't have sex for about 15 months once DS was born. Admittedly, yes, I was exhausted but as desire for sex was completely gone.

In the last 7 months since we first had sex again we've only done it about 4-5 times. I think I initiated about two of those times, firstly because I need my DH to know what I still fancy him (which I really do) but also because I so desperately wanted to feel "normal" and I needed to prove to myself there wasn't something inherently wrong with me.

My DH has been fantastic, he has never pressured me or made me feel guilty which is a huge weight off my mind but I do worry how long this will go on for.

I have been exclusively BOTTLE FEEDING MY BABY WITH EXPRESSED BREAST MILK for over three months now..... would this affect my libido/dryness etc etc?????

Another one whose libido went AWOL some years ago. I'm now 48, post-menopause, and it hasn't come back. Some useful ideas here....awaiting more. Is there a magic pill??

Gilly I would think if breastfeeding has an effect, expressing milk would too.
writer sounds like you have good communication with your DH? Good start!

elendon sorry I missed you upthread - um no it is mainly groping and appreciation of my breasts!

Cointreau a female Viagra, for example?! I have searched the internet but not found anything I was willing to try (a lot of dodgy scams, and random drugs) - although I think Lovehoney had some kind of lube sachets I might attempt one day.

Just to update, I stopped breastfeeding in May and things have definitely improved. Not perfect, by any means, but on the up! I am less tired, generally. Not on any form of hormonal contraception.

I hope things have improved for all those of you who were suffering alongside me. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone.

Another one here who has zero interest in sex. I feel so sorry for my DH as I know he would love it way more often....it's become so bad we don't even talk about it, and neither one of us dares bring it up in conversation. Thing is, when we do have sex, it's great, but i just cannot get into that headspace....i'm always so tired.

I think part of the problem stems fom when we were TTC. It took a long time, needed fertility treatment, so sex had just one target - me getting pregnant. all the joy was removed. Unsuccessful months felt wasted, we had a mmc, I was very down and our relationship was tested. We made it through, had dd and 2 years later had ds. DS is now 4 and I'm not bf (stopped at a year) and not on pill. But zero, zilch on the sex drive.
I'm like some of you, I love my DH and am not attracted to anyone else. the thought of not having him around scares the bejesus out of me. But I'm scared he will leave as sometimes our marriage feels affectionless.
And thats another thing, anytime we do have a cuddle, because it's been so long, DH immediately gets the urge to have sex. Which is understandable, and try as he might not to, it's really hard. We don't cuddle on the sofa any more, or hold hands (we weren't ever a hold handsy type of couple mind you!) and whilst I get a peck on the cheek occassionally, it's just going through the motions.

I know I need to talk to him, try and work through a plan to get the intimacy back but its so hard. I'm glad to read of others like me though as I am sick of reading threads on here on how often people are doing it....all the time it would seem. I really shouldn't click on those threads, but I kept hoping someone would say 'none' but I guess they're too shy to say. So thanks for starting this thread.

That's interesting rewardformissingmojo, can I ask what was the thinking behind offering him the bj, and then having sex.? I know you said you felt guilty, but even saying sex was great, or average, I couldn't have even come up with the offer, when I went through this. I mean we would have sex once in a blue moon, and it would be, let's just say awkward, because my head wasn't in the game. He knew it and then couldn't really be bothered. We are fine now, no problems, we got through it. Hoping the same for you.