Not interested in sex. At all. Am I normal, depressed, or in need of help?!

[rewardformissingmojo]

3 kids, always tired, DH is brilliant but I feel bad for him. How often / infrequently should we DTD? I've always thought that No means No, but maybe I'm being selfish?

My XW was in the same boat as many of you knackered women. At the time our DD2 was born (our 3rd child) I was working Mon-Fri so I did night feeds on Thur/Fri/Sat nights to give her some rest until the 2 youngest slept through. I did it because I thought it was fair, but it had the bonus that some Saturday evenings were spent shagging (early 'cos we were both knackered by then). It did mean that on those Saturday nights I missed Match Of The Day, but hey, small price to pay. :o Tbh, she missed sex as well, so me doing my fair share worked well for both of us.

I hope things work out for all of you, you're all amazing.

Awww Doctor thanks!
Annoyed perhaps it's the breastfeeding? I'm also feeding the youngest DC.

I am in the opposite situation - I have a high sex drive and have, for years, been kindly turned down every time I initiate sex. Sometimes, I just want some kissing, but the moment I part my lips my husband makes a joke and moves away. I have been in tears so, so many times about this.

It is hard. I am well aware I am very attractive, yet he makes me feel repulsive. He must find me repulsive. Once I begged him for a kiss and cried as he just couldn't bring himself to do that. I love him with all my heart and feel my love reciprocated - I do - but the lack of intimacy is killing me. I see my body, still quite beautiful, unwanted. Ageing, inevitably.

I want sex so badly. I'm fed up of my toys. I want my husband - he's lovely in every other way, great dad, etc, just not interested in sex. I've done plenty of talking to him, but I know he just doesn't want me.

It's worth looking at things from the other side.

Reward - are you on the pill?

I only ask because I have had little or no sex drive for years. I chatted to my DH about it regularly, but I couldn't put my finger on why I had zero interest. Sex just kind of happened - neither enjoyable or horrible.

I have conceived all of my children within a month and always had a high sex drive when pregnant.

Came off the pill a year ago TTC again. Am slightly older now (40) and we haven't been successful but my sex drive has gone through the roof.

December last year decided to give up on TTC and went back on the pill. Almost immediately zero sex drive. Have now given up on the pill and wouldn't go back on it.

Things are brilliant - and my mood swings are no longer too. Happy all round.

Sorry for the comments on my looks - I feel I have to explain that I'm not ugly (don't know why). I didn't mean to sound like some big-headed idiot.

Tree I'm sorry you are in this situation - exactly what I want to avoid for DH. Although I'd be delighted with any physical affection that doesn't feel like a precursor to sex, sometimes; and sometimes I just don't want to be touched at all.

Thanks for giving us your experience, it was probably not easy.

don't suffer no, can't get on with the pill, and breastfeeding. I do wonder if it's hormonal though, given that it's OK when I'm pregnant, and I seem to remember cyclical patterns many years ago.

Tree not at all, it is great that you can still see yourself objectively as attractive.

See I'm the complete opposite- id gladly have it 3 times a day but dh sex drive has been MIA for years. Can count on one hand the number of times we've had sex in the last 2 years

I feel awful - like I'm repulsive enough that even dh doesn't want me

Oh blush for you too.
I'm beginning to feel a bit better, we definitely DTD at least every three weeks (DH gets more and more 'nudgey' if it goes over a fortnight!)

TreeDweller, if I was your H and treated you as he does I'd expect you to leave, and would probably feel relieved.

I think sometimes we take our wives/girlfriends for granted, thinking they'll always be there for us. Of course we're wrong, and rightly so.

IMO, if your oh, whether you are male or female, is withholding sex for any reason other than tiredness you should feel no shame in leaving.

Hi reward, I was gonna start my own thread about this very thing, so I´m glad I stumbled upon yours...

I have zero mojo and it´s really having a negative impact on my marriage, which isn´t surprising. Obviously my OH could sense when I was just doing it for his benefit and couldn´t be arsed with it so now it´s gradually ceased altogether. He found it offputting, like he was pressuring me, so I understand how crap that must´ve made him feel. It´s been months....

But the weird thing is it´s not like I´ve gone off him, I just literally don´t look at anyone else ( real life or celebrity ) and think ¨Phwoar¨! I don´t even have any interest in doing D.I.Y! He says I´m asexual. Is that even a Thing or does it just mean a hormone disorder? Either way, it´s not normal and something must be causing it...

I´m feeling strongly it must be a hormone imbalance. I´m not BF though. Nor am I on the pill. I´ve been like this for several years now but I´m only 39yrs so it´s not menopause. But trying to get the GP to do a blood test is impossible. I understand in a way, women´s hormones fluctuate throughout the month so you wouldn´t get an accurate reflection just doing 1 test as our hormones are in flux at different times. I don´t know what to do, I just wanna be normal for my age. Before the menopause comes along and really screws me over!

Moomin yes! Exactly! I have googled asexuality for myself; I don't think it's the kind of thing that comes and goes like hormones though. I have been known to dIY, but more just to see if I can than as a regular thing, IYSWIM.

If the most attractive man in the world tried to hit on me for sex I'd be like "meh, no thanks, I'll pass". I feel your pain OP - it's not easy on either side.

Oops. Started a discussion with DH but did not handle it well. Bad bad bad. Now I can't broach it again for a while. Curses.

Exactly how I feel FixIt.

Me 3 fixit ... I second the 'DIY just to see if it still works' - mines a combination of complacency, gynae probs ( smear tests end up a total trauma) and I reckon hormones must be involved somewhere too. We've had a close relative outed as a paedophile which I think messed with my head, I don't really know which way to turn (not towards the ever hopeful erection!! )

I wonder if purple up thread had a point - the more you do it, the better it gets, the more you want to?
I haven't the energy (or CBA) - anyone want to try it and report back?!!

www.thesurreyparkclinic.co.uk/sexual-problems.php

Seem to suggest hormones could be responsible.
Not sure I like their term 'post-baby coolness' though. How long is that supposed to last?

I went through a difficult time when my kids were little. I didn't feel sexy so I never felt in the mood. I'm sure hormones played a big part. DH was always very patient and taking care of his own needs, but I knew he missed sex.
I suffered from repeated thrush so when we did have sex, I was too stressed and too tired and ended up sore. That meant I wanted it even less and every time he tried to be affectionate, I couldn't relax and enjoy it for fear of it leading any further.

We talked and agreed to take it slowly. We put a complete ban on sex so I could relax and enjoy affection without worrying where it was leading. That really helped. Then we took slow, small steps like having a bath together, lying naked together, having a massage - all with a guarantee of no sex. We moved onto enjoying sexual contact then by the time we had done that for several weeks, I actively wanted sex. We learnt a lot about each other in that time that has improved our sex life ever since.

He also did a lot to help give me a break at home, so getting up one morning and taking care of the kids, cooking dinner a couple of nights a week, even just keeping the kids occupied so I could have a bath in peace. It gave me room to feel like more than just a mum. I was a woman and a wife as well.

Intimacy is really important in a long term relationship. Periods of time with no sex can be managed, but it will build resentment if there is no effort to improve things.

Breastfeeding can affect things alot. When I stopped by it was like someone flicked a switch back on. It was a very marked difference.

Breastfeeding killed my sex drive and dried up my bits. I bf-ed both mine for extended periods. Definitely hormonal.

My youngest DC is 6 and I still have no sex drive. Not on hormonal contraception,usual stresses of day to day life etc.
If I never had sex again it wouldn't bother me,that's how bad it is.
Good to know I'm not alone!

Sorry your chat went down badly Reward.
Dd is 15 months now and we're on our way to stopping BFing so hopefully things will get better soon.

What happened in the chat reward. Another lady sharing your pain here.