Not interested in sex. At all. Am I normal, depressed, or in need of help?!

[rewardformissingmojo]

3 kids, always tired, DH is brilliant but I feel bad for him. How often / infrequently should we DTD? I've always thought that No means No, but maybe I'm being selfish?

[Jaysundaruler89]

Really glad to hear things have improved for you OP. I have namechanged but commented earlier on the thread and hoped that things would get better again eventually

[user1471470055]

Really pleased OP that your starting to feel better about the future prospects. I genuinely missed that you were still breast feeding - which makes a drop in libido totally NORMAL! In my tooth bushing analogy - that's just skipping it after a late night : )
As far as DH moving out - I guess I was being a little provocative - maybe just to jolt a thought about how we can stop seeing our partners/spouses as a person first. Thinking about how we might feel toward someone if we weren't 'chained' to one another can help counter those feelings of resentment/complacency and think about nurturing the relationship instead.
It's really heartening to read you are already feeling more positive .... I'm going to have a shave now ; ) .

[boredstiffkent]

Judging by the replies on here, you must be quite normal!

I think familiarity breeds contempt........people just get too used to each other.......

Personally I think sex is the cement that keeps relationships together. Of course there are exceptions such as depression & other medical conditions etc etc before everyone jumps on me

Men need sex (there are some exceptions of course) but the majority of men want it LOTS! They are programmed that way. I think that if you are happily married, then women should be putting out a bit more! You can't expect them to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of their lives or having sex with an unwilling partner, it's wrong! The next threads will be about them having affairs or watching porn...........

You need to try to find that spark, that common ground again that most of you once had. A night away, 'date' night, chance to talk or be close without interruptions. I say this from experience. With my EXH, we NEVER connected sexually from the outset he just wasn't the one for me. He was a selfish lover, who sadly thought that women should do all of the work as he'd been at work all day.......anyway, that's another story but what I DO know is that because we didn't connect sexually, I avoided him like the plague! Does this sound familiar? Even thought we 'got on' pretty well, I NEVER wanted the night away, the 'date' night, the time alone........as I didn't want him to think there was a chance of sex....I 'fell asleep' on the sofa most nights or went to bed waaaaay after him until I knew he was asleep. As a result, the avoidance led to big gaps, no communication & eventually break down

Fast forward to the new DH.....massive sexual connection. He's 'the one' & I ensure that we DTD all of the time, even when sometimes I really can't be bothered, I be bothered. I book nights away & 'date nights' & send him naughty texts to keep the spark alive. The more attention I lavish on him, the more he lavishes on me & there is nothing more lovely that knowing your OH absolutely adores you.........

This is just my experience of things, not the law of relationships of course & I say this without judgement but I just wanted to show how wildly contrasting things can be...........

[user1471535250]

Perfectly normal. Never is about the correct number you should DTD. Any complaints, explain that the pleasure involved is to facilitate procreation. Afterwards , its not necessary or required. Unless we start to get this message through, they are just going to pester us for ever.

[heron98]

Some may disagree, but in my experience you have to sometimes have sex when you don't really feel like it to keep things going.

In every long term relationship I've had, the desire to have sex diminishes to the point where I am not really interested at all and could quite happily go without forever.

I have made the mistake of giving it to this and sex has totally died off.

However, in my current relatiosnship (now 5 years in) I make a conscious effort to have sex regularly, even though I don't really want to and find that it keeps things going.

I find if I initiate it "on my terms" as it were, I enjoy it much more rather than feeling irritated by DP's advances when I am feeling particularly unattractive or knackered.

I'm not saying it's a duty as such, but almost.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

Same here wouldn't bother me if I never had sex again. Partly cause I'm exhausted by chronic illness. It annoys me too that dh only ever bothers making an effort when I want to go to sleep.

[OliveGreen]

I found this very helpful and interesting...
www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

[Jclm]

Very interesting reading here. I am on the opposite side. My hubby is completely off sex, and has been shortly after marriage six years ago. I on the other hand am very sexual and sensual and am feeling the strain. We have had sex six times in the last six years.

I have tried initiating a fling with two male friends (one is an ex lover, and the other is a new, but close friend and colleague) but neither has wanted to. Yet more rejection :-( All very sad really. I'm not sure how long I can remain in a marriage which is sexless, despite the fact that we are very happy in general.

[rewardformissingmojo]

Hi, thank you for the new responses, I wasn't expecting more!
It is much better now; I can only think it was something to do with hormones. Have stopped breastfeeding, feel more like my body is my own.

Thanks for the iron levels tip, I will get back on the multivits with iron!

I am also less tired. Persuading DH to shave more often helps too. He's actually good-looking under the stubble! I am having more and more moments where I look at him and fancy him.

USER147147 thank you for your perspective. I would not consider having him move out, no - but I do see that I needed a break from seeing him as housemate / partner, to attractive human being in his own right.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

CHECK YOUR IRON LEVELS OP!!!

Seriously, do it. Particularly post-partum and breast-feeding you could be anaemic. Obviously this wouldn't take your libido right down from randy dog to nun, however it would make it muuuuuuuch more difficult to feel aroused on those rare post-baby moments when you might otherwise be up for it :)

I have quite a "mild" sex drive so to speak, but low iron levels take me from "low" to NO.

[JaceLancs]

I didn't realise how much the pill reduced my libido - was on it from age 16 up until 36 apart from ttc and 2 pregnancies then DP had vasectomy
I got my sexual feelings back even after a hysterectomy at 38
I'm now 52 and DP himself has gone off sex mainly due to his depression (on/off for most of life)
I am struggling to cope with this, but grateful that we still have lots of other physical affection, cuddling, kissing, spooning and stroking we are both very tactile people, but I miss orgasms and DIY is not an adequate substitute

[PushingThru]

I just wouldn't be able to cope with being in a monogamous relationship with someone who'd made a unilateral decision that I'd never have sex again. Hopefully you can try to unravel the reasons.

[user1471470055]

Hi OP - I think you deserve perspective - not just like minded women to share the same feelings. So FWIW - I think this is one of the greatest causes of misery and marriage break up, not because of where it starts but where it ends up. It's like not brushing your teeth - it will not lead to losing all your teeth today, or tomorrow - you'll just have bad breath. But allowed to just go on and on will end in pain and extractions - and if you don't really care, you won't notice soon enough.
Often the pattern is that children and general drudgery make life harder than the early days, and often women can store small resentments, blame DHs for the condition of their lives, for the small let downs and disappointments and withdraw, feel too unhappy, dissatisfied or disappointed with DH to feel amerous toward them. (Of course DHs can start to crave variety and feel bored too, but less likely to refuse sex or go off sex entirely). The small problem, like the sticky tooth, then festers. There is nothing worse for DH's self esteem than feeling the lack of desire for them from DW, which is the start to feeling unappreciated. They will eventually become more angry, depressed, withdrawn, snappy, huffy, moody - all of which are very unattractive qualities that will make things worse.
Women often have their sexuality awoken again after a long dormant phase by an experience with someone other than their DH - and then the strength of what's left of their diminished marriage relationship will determine what happens next.
So - no you should never be expected to have sex, ever. Of course no means no!!
But equally you can't expect a happy loving relationship to last without it unless your DH is equally happy with a sexless marriage. And while the decline of intimacy in your relationship may not seem a big deal today or tomorrow - be careful that it isn't too late by the time you notice just how important it has been, and the difference it makes looking back. Perhaps try to discover why you are unable to feel sexually interested in DH, and what you expect to happen, talk to him about it and how it feels for each of you right now. To say you resent the time you could have been sleeping after sex should be an absolute red flag that things are starting to go badly wrong. Personally, I think your DH should move out for a while, give you the chance to stop resenting him, give him the chance to find himself, and for you to start seeing him as a man with agency and choices not just the father you are stuck with and who is stuck with you. What do you think?

[leaveittothediva]

That's interesting rewardformissingmojo, can I ask what was the thinking behind offering him the bj, and then having sex.? I know you said you felt guilty, but even saying sex was great, or average, I couldn't have even come up with the offer, when I went through this. I mean we would have sex once in a blue moon, and it would be, let's just say awkward, because my head wasn't in the game. He knew it and then couldn't really be bothered. We are fine now, no problems, we got through it. Hoping the same for you.

[coolpotato]

Another one here who has zero interest in sex. I feel so sorry for my DH as I know he would love it way more often....it's become so bad we don't even talk about it, and neither one of us dares bring it up in conversation. Thing is, when we do have sex, it's great, but i just cannot get into that headspace....i'm always so tired.

I think part of the problem stems fom when we were TTC. It took a long time, needed fertility treatment, so sex had just one target - me getting pregnant. all the joy was removed. Unsuccessful months felt wasted, we had a mmc, I was very down and our relationship was tested. We made it through, had dd and 2 years later had ds. DS is now 4 and I'm not bf (stopped at a year) and not on pill. But zero, zilch on the sex drive.
I'm like some of you, I love my DH and am not attracted to anyone else. the thought of not having him around scares the bejesus out of me. But I'm scared he will leave as sometimes our marriage feels affectionless.
And thats another thing, anytime we do have a cuddle, because it's been so long, DH immediately gets the urge to have sex. Which is understandable, and try as he might not to, it's really hard. We don't cuddle on the sofa any more, or hold hands (we weren't ever a hold handsy type of couple mind you!) and whilst I get a peck on the cheek occassionally, it's just going through the motions.

I know I need to talk to him, try and work through a plan to get the intimacy back but its so hard. I'm glad to read of others like me though as I am sick of reading threads on here on how often people are doing it....all the time it would seem. I really shouldn't click on those threads, but I kept hoping someone would say 'none' but I guess they're too shy to say. So thanks for starting this thread.

[rewardformissingmojo]

Just to update, I stopped breastfeeding in May and things have definitely improved. Not perfect, by any means, but on the up! I am less tired, generally. Not on any form of hormonal contraception.

I hope things have improved for all those of you who were suffering alongside me. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone.

[rewardformissingmojo]

Cointreau a female Viagra, for example?! I have searched the internet but not found anything I was willing to try (a lot of dodgy scams, and random drugs) - although I think Lovehoney had some kind of lube sachets I might attempt one day.

[rewardformissingmojo]

Gilly I would think if breastfeeding has an effect, expressing milk would too.
writer sounds like you have good communication with your DH? Good start!

elendon sorry I missed you upthread - um no it is mainly groping and appreciation of my breasts!

[CointreauVersial]

Another one whose libido went AWOL some years ago. I'm now 48, post-menopause, and it hasn't come back. Some useful ideas here....awaiting more. Is there a magic pill??

[gillybeandramaqueen]

I have been exclusively BOTTLE FEEDING MY BABY WITH EXPRESSED BREAST MILK for over three months now..... would this affect my libido/dryness etc etc?????

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a 22 month old who I still breast feed and I have a pretty close to zero sex drive.

Me and DH didn't have sex for about 15 months once DS was born. Admittedly, yes, I was exhausted but as desire for sex was completely gone.

In the last 7 months since we first had sex again we've only done it about 4-5 times. I think I initiated about two of those times, firstly because I need my DH to know what I still fancy him (which I really do) but also because I so desperately wanted to feel "normal" and I needed to prove to myself there wasn't something inherently wrong with me.

My DH has been fantastic, he has never pressured me or made me feel guilty which is a huge weight off my mind but I do worry how long this will go on for.

[gillybeandramaqueen]

me too!!!!!!!

I have been really upset about this too... I have two boys - one aged 2 years old and my other boy is 3 months old... I am incredibly attracted to my partner but I have absolutely NO desire to have sex... the kids are always around us... I can't just switch off to have sex even if our baby is in the room and sleeping in his cot... I just feel like I can't tuned out... I am so tuned into my baby and feel that I can't tune into my partner... AND I am just so goddamn tired... all I want to do when I have a spare minute or when I am in my bed is go straight to sleep...

My DP always wants to DO IT at the totally wrong moments.... like last thing at night or VERRRRRRY early in the morning and I just can't rise to that pardon the pun!!

I am terrified that this is ultimately going to lead to the end of my relationship at some point.............. :(

[rewardformissingmojo]

Norest rant perhaps too strong a word. yes I do sound like a mother! Was it really that cruel? I must have lost perspective - be honest with me.

I really don't find farting attractive, I have a brother, it seemed like brotherly behaviour more than loving partner behaviour.
It wasn't the way to start an adult discussion though, I freely admit that

[Norest]

Hang on...you ranted at him for farting and told him that's one variable about why you don't want sex?

Talking about positively reinforcing his behaviour, coupled with telling him off makes it sound like you are his mum not his wife.

And yea I get it that farts can really gross people out and different people have different preferences..but to actively rant at someone and shame them over it, and regarding sex?

I think that was really cruel actually.

And it makes me wonder if there is more at play here than just being tired and not feeling in the mood.

[rewardformissingmojo]

Oh, the 'chat'.
This is embarrassing, even on an anonymous internet forum.

As DH sat on the floor, playing with baby, he lifted one butt cheek and farted loudly, right in front of me. (This is sadly nothing unusual in my household).
I suggested that as I don't fancy teenage boys, perhaps his behaviour might be a variable to consider when wondering why I don't feel like sex. I'm paraphrasing here, there may have been more ranting . He just looked a little shame-faced (as he always does when caught farting publicly). Doesn't sound so bad actually, written down.
I was cross with myself as now I don't feel I can raise the subject for a serious talk, for a while.

However, feeling guilty, I offered a bj later and ended up having sex, positively reinforcing his behaviour? job done

I now feel more relaxed as I'm unlikely to be seriously harassed for sex tonight!