Aged DP - am I horrible?

[isthisokornotenough]

No sex for years (my choice, because sex hurt after menopause and I haven't fancied him since he lost his figure in middle age, in fact I don't find him particularly pleasant to look at these days, and he was never good looking. (I am ordinary looking for my age so am not saying I have any sex appeal either.) He says he has less sex drive now anyway because of prostate trouble. I am 57, he is 63.

He is a very sweet, kind, gentle and tolerant man, easy to live with. He has lots of common sense, makes friends easily and is popular. I am an introvert.

I don't really respect him for some things, mostly because he has lived off me for years. (obviously I have chosen him and chosen to allow this, and I have big self esteem issues about this and loads of other issues.

We enjoy each other's company and doing hobbies together. I am fond of him. So my life is better with him in it rather than being alone. (Can't imagine having any other relationship because I can't imagine ever wanting sex with another man.)

However, I look at him and think - how did I end up with a man like you?

I wonder - What if he became permanently incapacitated, would I willingly care full time for him? I think 'no' in theory, you've lived off me for years, I've given you enough, I don't want to give up my last active years to you. And the reverse, I just don't know if he would look after me, he wouldn't be much good at it practically.

Am I selfish and ungrateful? Does anyone else ever think like this?

ovenchips
sorry, I do not wish to expand on keeping him - I think it would out me.

Seriously, am I the only one to look at my dp, (not dh) dp, with fond but not loving eyes, and to wonder how I'd behave if really put to the test, if he needed full time care for years? Does no one else feel this? Are you all angels who will self sacrifice without any doubts.

I've seen many elderly relatives needing full time care, I've given a lot of my time and life to them, I've seen what hell old age can be, they've now gone, I'm the next generation to go, I have no family who will do any caring when it comes to my own time, so I want to make the most of my active years. (both parents died in early 60s). I just wonder what would happen if my dp who is my companion but not my love, suddenly needed care, I mean if something happened in the next 10 years, not when we are both in our 80s. Does no one else worry about this, is everyone so in love with their ohs that it doesn't daunt them? Are you all so sure you will do the right thing?

I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone else to give you confidence. Confidence mainly comes from within, from liking and appreciating yourself. Of course other people can damage or bolster your self perception, but that's a little different I think.

My dh is approaching the age when his mother died and it's really affected the way he looks at himself and his life so I don't think it's too surprising that you are having a 'is that it' moment.

On the ugly children front dh and I decided to have children when we were still young and beautiful(ish!). If you meet later (you didn't say how long you've been together OP) perhaps you get more of a 'true' picture of your partner. Certainly dh and I have gone downhill over the last ten years or so! Luckily our children are much better looking than either of us :)

OP were already living what your talking about.Within a year of having our 5th DC I became seriously ill and disabled and my DH became my carer,that was 7 years ago.

And age wise I was only 34 and my DH was 27 and yes of course if it was the other way around(thank God it wasn't I'd much rather be the one suffering the ill heath and disabilitys than have it happen to him)I would look after him because I love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him.Were a partnership were not only husband and wife were best friends as well.

nooka
nice post
DP and I met very near to the end of my potential childbearing years, so no we weren't youthful, and judging from photos he was quite cute looking in his 20s, but had lost it by the time I met him

congrats on having lovely looking children!

Gosh ohtheholidays, you take my breath away. Can only offer

I think my whole post is about the fact that I have always been fond of him but have never loved him, hence the dilemma and doubt.

ah well dh and I were in our (late) teens when we met, probably easier to fall in love when you are very young (not that we thought we were of course). Do you think that you 'settled' for your partner?

I get that,it would be beyond hard to look after someone for years if you didn't love them if anything it would most probably help breed contempt which wouldn't be good for either of you.

That's why getting some outside help speaking to someone at Relate or like another poster suggested about seeing a counsellor would most probably help you alot when it comes to deciding about what you want to do about your relationship.

isthis, right now I feel for your dp. but has he taken care of himself? as men age their eyebrows need trimming and sometimes they get hairs sprouting in odd places. shirts although not thread bear hang poorly. etc. could he use a make over? my hubby's barber was the first to mention the need for additional grooming.

i'm of a similar age to you and i'm overweight, hubby has changed over the years as well. but what i see is the personal beauty within.

but i'm no martyr, i'll admit i'm not sure how i would handle the situation if he was to become incontinent of stool....just saying everyone possibly has their limit.

isthis, right now I feel for your dp. but has he taken care of himself? as men age their eyebrows need trimming and sometimes they get hairs sprouting in odd places. shirts although not thread bear hang poorly. etc. could he use a make over? my hubby's barber was the first to mention the need for additional grooming.

I don't think a 'make over' would help the OP.

If it has been going on for so long (hence the ridiculous 'ugly DC' comment)

I also feel for your DP, OP.

The way you talk about looks, who has more monet etc makes you come accross as very materialistic.

Congratulating posted on having good looking children. Jeez.

It appears you have very little insight into who you are as a person and your lack of confidence and probable self loathing, manifests itself as contempt for your partner.

You're right OP, most people don't have children with people they aren't attracted to but conversely, most people who want children, don't tend to stay in relationships with people they're not attracted to.

You didn't choose not to have children with him because you didn't want ugly children, come on OP, seriously! Children would have meant blocking a easy exit from a relationship, which despite all the years invested, you've never wanted to fully commit to.

Deep down I think you're aware that this arrangement is more convenient for you than it is for him (as evidenced by your comment about him finding a new partner relatively quickly) but you've tried to convince yourself that you're the one whose made the sacrifice. it would be difficult, humiliating even, if this 'ugly', needy man could go out and find someone that accepted him but you could struggle finding someone who accepted you.

This isn't about him, it's never been about him, it's all about you. There was no gun to your head, you chose and stayed with a man you weren't particularly attracted to, both physically and emotionally, for a reason. The fear and panic that informed that decision all those years ago has resurfaced because the consequences of old age could be a 'sacrifice' too far and despite your inferences, you're no martyr.

You're a victim of your own choices and the sooner you realise that, the sooner you can change it.

What you say about him being ugly and you not wanting ugly children is quite shocking.

People do not generally couple up with someone they find 'ugly'. What would be the point of that?

As you are not married, you can walk away and not look back. If you have always supported him and you resent that, well you can keep everything and he will have to become self-sufficient. Don't feel guilty about ending the relationship. I don't know how you can bear to be with him with the depth of repulsion you seem to feel about him.

I managed to breed without considering anything as shallow as whether the children would be butt ugly or not. I had no idea anyone did. You love your kids anyway, even if they look like a bag of spanners. Surely the human race would have died out by now if only the purty ones procreated? Neither dh nor I are winning any beauty pageants...

For goodness sake, let the poor man go and find real happiness with someone that loves him, saggy man boobs and all.

V sad for both of you. I hope you both find real happiness that isn't based on aesthetics.

Isetan has nailed it, I think.

You keep asking does no-one else feel like you? Whilst I have short phases of wondering 'Is this it?' I don't really recognise myself, my friends or relatives in the things you have said. So IMO not many other people live long-term with someone and have similar feelings to you.

I think you need to develop some insight (which currently seems distinctly lacking), into where these feelings are coming from.

I would be heartbroken if my partner said these things about me.....why not just let him go?

If you really thought your DP was beautiful inside, you would count yourself lucky to have him and you would feel love for him. You would probably also then want his children, if you wanted children as a theoretical concept, unless you are terminally shallow.

No, women do not choose the most beautiful man they can find, on the whole. Look around you. There are other considerations, usually to do with friendship and moral character, that go into choosing whether someone will be a good father to their children. I certainly didn't put having the most beautiful children possible before anything else; I chose a kind, committed man who would be able to parent them kindly and sensitively. I genuinely cared about that most. Yes, there is an element of superficiality in falling in love and physical attraction; that's a given. I think it's rare to be with someone you were never attracted to. Very hard on both of you and difficult to fathom why you'd be silly enough to do it.

Having made the decision to enjoy this man's companionship for so long, I personally think the decent thing to do is not to cast him off as he's getting old.

You are right, you are very, very selfish and the life you have is probably the life that you deserve.

Why did you get with him in the first place? I mean something must have attracted you?

Op: how would you feel if he told you he's met someone else & he's leaving you? - devastated, jealous, & consumed with rage? - or thankful & relieved?

If it's the latter, then you really should leave him & spend the remainder of your life in comfortable solitude ( because meeting 'someone wonderful' at your time of life is pretty unlikely )

All the best in whatever you decide - although I'm sure there's millions of couples in exactly the same situation

I hope you use the sensible responses on this thread and reflect upon the idea of leaving.

Honesty is great and venting is understandable but the 'I didn't want his ugly children' actually is pretty shocking . You clearly never saw him as having anything about him that you liked enough to value. You seem to be saying 'I'm getting old, shall I just keep him on as insurance against loneliness'

Leave him. Let him find someone who sees his value and wants him to be happy. Maybe that way you will find happiness yourself.

I'm nearly your age. DH and I are about to start a new business and I am incredibly excited about our future.

Whatever else you are saying, your life sounds utterly miserable.

When you accepted his flaws and limitations I've got no doubt he accepted some of yours. We aren't privy to those though because it's you writing the posts.

You talk of ugly children but admit he was good looking in his younger years, so that means children may have been aesthetically pleasing to you. I have to think that you have deep concerns about your own looks???

You sound very bitter and almost resent this man because he isn't solvent. Money isn't everything, he has been there for you hasnt he? Or does that count for nothing?

I think you need to stop looking at him because you feel dissatisfied, look at yourself and ask why you lack courage to make yourself happy? Why can't you make changes?

Absolutely off the point but whilst my DH and I are OK looking my children are fricking gorgeous.

Lovely post Capri - & good luck with the new business!

"I didn't want to repeat my own history, my mother used to rage at me, so I didn't trust myself not to do the same and didn't feel I would be a good mother. However, if I had met the right man who gave me the confidence in myself to have dc, then I'm absolutely sure I would have done and I feel quite sad about that.."

Confidence comes from within, not from other people.

"Loving parents" as you also called them generally do not rage at their children. Did your (herself a selfish?) mother rage at you a lot and/or tell you that you were yourself ugly and that no-one would want you?. They may have given you material things but what about love and nuturing?. I think the roots of all this go back many years.

Maybe OP, if you never felt that you were attractive, you've always overthought the importance of it and became fixated on it?

Eg, (trivial comparison) I have always disliked my eyelashes, and one of the first things I'll look at and notice about someone is their eyelashes. Occasionally it entered my head about DC too - I'd worry they'd get my eyelashes. There is definitely an unhealthy fixation there. (Which I am aware of and so can put in perspective!)

Maybe that's similar with you? Your want for 'beautiful' children became a fixation above all else, you lost sight of what's important.

Because honestly, your thought process and outcome to not have children in case they were 'ugly' is not a typical thought process.