Aged DP - am I horrible?

[isthisokornotenough]

No sex for years (my choice, because sex hurt after menopause and I haven't fancied him since he lost his figure in middle age, in fact I don't find him particularly pleasant to look at these days, and he was never good looking. (I am ordinary looking for my age so am not saying I have any sex appeal either.) He says he has less sex drive now anyway because of prostate trouble. I am 57, he is 63.

He is a very sweet, kind, gentle and tolerant man, easy to live with. He has lots of common sense, makes friends easily and is popular. I am an introvert.

I don't really respect him for some things, mostly because he has lived off me for years. (obviously I have chosen him and chosen to allow this, and I have big self esteem issues about this and loads of other issues.

We enjoy each other's company and doing hobbies together. I am fond of him. So my life is better with him in it rather than being alone. (Can't imagine having any other relationship because I can't imagine ever wanting sex with another man.)

However, I look at him and think - how did I end up with a man like you?

I wonder - What if he became permanently incapacitated, would I willingly care full time for him? I think 'no' in theory, you've lived off me for years, I've given you enough, I don't want to give up my last active years to you. And the reverse, I just don't know if he would look after me, he wouldn't be much good at it practically.

Am I selfish and ungrateful? Does anyone else ever think like this?

Christ you're only 57, get a grip!

didn't want dp's children because even then I thought he was ugly and didn't want his ugly children.

Wow,

I kind of hope you are trolling here... Really that would be far better than if your posts are the truth.

I don't know what love feels like. I've always been mixed up. I had loving parents so I don't know why. I think I can be caring but am ultimately very selfish. I can't remember why we got together. I think probably because he was/is kind and safe and unchallenging. I was living on my own and have never had the choice of men. Have never dated anyone I fancied. I sound like a 18year old.

Perhaps I have always thought I like to think I wear the trousers too in a relationship, because I have more money and more control, because I am very fragile and he can't threaten me. (I don't mean physically). It's an unequal relationship. That must say a lot about him as well. I know it's not nice spelled out like that, but, but, but see my OP, we like each other. We are good companions. I think he's reasonably happy. Every relationship has its flaws. I try to be as kind and considerate as he is. I try to give as well as take.

It's make or break this year. But then I've said that to myself for many years and done nothing.

I think he stays for the lifestyle. I'll never know.

Thanks for the pointers about counselling. I will research. Though I am frightened of having to declare it on insurance forms and for the next employment. Can you get that through the NHS or does it have to be private?

I am just being totally honest. This is raw. He's a kind man, but I didn't want to have children who would look like him.

Don't tell me lots of women haven't decided not to have children with a man because they didn't think they wanted children like him. That's how we choose a fitting mate. I just never found a fitting mate.

Report away, I don't care because I know I'm being totally honest.

Although I think the OP has an unfortunate way of putting things here, I think this is a common issue - I'm 53, husband is 59, our relationship is fairly toxic but our children are young - 12 and 14 - and we are in a lot of debt. That does make things very different. We both have health issues and are reliant on each other although he relies on me more than I do on him. Its only the last year when my health started to fail and i thought oh fuck, that's it now, by the time we've sorted all this out it will be too late to start again. And then you do start to think about mortality, and how many years you will be caring for a partner.

For the time being as my children are so young I am making the most of it, trying to lay the groundwork for a better future with or without my husband. But health issues or no, if I didn't have the kids I'd leave him tomorrow. He often talks about me becoming his carer - you can see where its going.

Why not go to relate for an initial session, you can go on your own, they can discuss splitting up it's not just for people who want to stay together, but please do talk to someone about this in RL.

he would hate living alone so he would find another woman as quickly as possible

he might want to find another woman as quickly as possible...but that may well be easier said than done
it doesnt sound as if he has much to 'bring to the table'?

My parents died in their early sixties so yes it is about mortality.

Suzanne
He's kind, considerate, very very needy for companionship, I think he'd find another lonely well off woman quite easily (if they don't mind his looks- he's not an ogre, just unattractive features and overweight).

We are good companions. I think he's reasonably happy.

Not sure he still would be if you told him you thought he was ugly and didn't have children with him as you didn't want ugly children.

What a nasty way to describe someone.

Well of course I don't tell him that.

I try to be as kind and considerate as he is. I try to give as well as take.

Well I'd disagree. The way you have described him is certainly not showing you as considerate.

You say you like each other then use some pretty terrible language to describe him.

Please leave and allow him (and you) happiness.

Maybe so isthis
but really I'm not so sure women tend to be much more cynical about men as we get into our 50's
a young good looking guy might be able to find a 'sugar momma' to fund him, a 65 year old not especially attractive man who cant support himself is really at the bottom of the pile when it comes to dating in this day and age.

I guess thats besides the point though?

I dont think you are selfish and ungrateful, you're just being honest, and most of us dress up the truth a bit to make it more palatable

I tell you the truth anonymously. That's some of what this anonymous forum is about. People vent here. Have you never had secret thoughts about someone close to you, thoughts you would never tell someone in RL? I am sure everyone does.

I guess my thoughts have been bubbling for years, they're not new to me but they're shocking to you because its in black and white. I'm venting. That's all. It's a release valve.

when you're young things are sort of equal, after several years of being with someone, all the various things we do too piss each other off it's no surprise that you look at things and feel that the benefits of this partnership are mostly flowing in one direction, and it isnt towards you

"he would hate living alone so he would find another woman as quickly as possible"

Which would only be a problem for you if its a case of you not wanting him but not wanting anyone else to have him either.

suzanne explains it very well.

Which would only be a problem for you if its a case of you not wanting him but not wanting anyone else to have him either.

This is looking like the case.

Why would you not let someone go and be happy elsewhere that you find so ugly that you didn't want their DC incase they looked like him?

Could you explain more about the 'he has lived off me for years' statement in your opening para?

Tbh you sound as if you have contempt for a lot of things he is and does.

But as you've explained, you are not in love, you have no children, you are not married. You have none of the typical 'ties' to a partner that normally put people off splitting. I am not actually sure why you haven't already parted ways. Do you know why you are still together?

HelenaDove I read it that the OP would be happy to have a relationship where they lived separately but she feels her partner wouldnt accept that and would look for another partner?

I blinked a bit at the ugly children comment, but then I thought that it can't just be that. If you'd been really keen to have had children, you'd have had them anyway and not cared what they looked like (and in fact they'd have looked beautiful to you anyway) so I wonder if it's more to do with your own feelings about your parents, and worry about not being a good parent yourself.

You sound like you're both with one another out of fear. I would really recommend the counselling idea so you can get to grips with your own feelings.

Helena
yes that's right, surely it's the common problem for middleaged women, do they put up with what they have, all the irritations and imperfections, no partner can be perfect, rather than be alone?

thanks Suzanne
I think he would find someone because everyone likes to be "needed" and he would look very hard, and I would think that many single women, in their 60s, might like a kind considerate man around. This is what I am asking myself, am I being really very silly here, I think I probably am and just venting because I met an old friend of my age, this week who seems to have made a better success of her lovelife than I have, and because I am in a panic about time running out. Late middle age crisis.

OP I was wondering about what you said about having kept him,does he not work?

Looking at your age you could have another 30/40 years or maybe even a bit more.
Is this really how you want to spend the rest of what ever time you have left?
Feeling trapped and fed up in a sexless and loveless marriage?
It's along time to be unhappy and stuck in a bad situation don't let the fear of being alone stop you from having the life you want and deserve.

Like other posters have suggested I think it would be a really good idea for you to get intouch with Relate.
You don't have to go as a couple you can go alone which I think would be best for you.
It sounds like you need to work out what you want for yourself and your relationship then once you know what you want and need you'll be able to make a decision about what your going to do next.

TendonQueen
Are you seriously telling me that people do not care if the father of their children was ugly, that they do not choose the most beautiful man they can attract (beautiful inside and out) to be the father. Wow. I am astonished. Well, I guess the answer is that we are all different and have different priorities. I would not want ugly children so if I had been able to attract someone I thought to be a good looking man, then I would probably have had children. My dp is beautiful inside but not outside and getting worse with age

You are accurate in one respect though, I didn't want to repeat my own history, my mother used to rage at me, so I didn't trust myself not to do the same and didn't feel I would be a good mother. However, if I had met the right man who gave me the confidence in myself to have dc, then I'm absolutely sure I would have done and I feel quite sad about that..