Has anyone met the right person at the wrong time and it worked out later?

[maybeeknot]

I am just about to end things with someone I am in love with because he's just not in the right place to be a good boyfriend.

Long story, but I basically met him at the absolutely worst possible moment and I do think he feels the same but is in total denial over it.

I don't think either of us ever expected to fall in love or feel as strong as we do and we keep calling it something else to avoid the elephant in the room but we just met at the wrong time and I feel like the relationship we have now is hurting me (and him probably) and the best thing to do is to leave.

Has anyone else ever been in that situation, and has it ever worked out some times in the future?

I swear I've replied to a thread almost exactly like this before.

Anyway it's happened to me three or four times. That it's been the wrong time and there was another opportunity later.

First one I got together with the second time and had a problematic but happy relationship until I realised that he was never really going to give me what I wanted, so we broke up again.

Second one there were a few different "almosts" where the timing wasn't right, never worked out, I am glad. He wouldn't have been right for me. However much I mooned over him earlier. He's still a friend.

Third ended up a FWB the second time but I realised I couldn't do it without getting attached, so ended it.

Fourth I married. I think if DH and I had got together when we were younger, it wouldn't have worked. We needed to grow and mature as people first.

I think you're right that falling in love isn't a magical thing, it's about compatibility and timing. The timing isn't right, so leave it. You've done the right thing. If it so happens that everything is right some time in the future between you two, then it might be worth a go, but don't wait around for him - there are plenty more who will be compatible.

I disagree with this however:

When two people meet who can't stop kissing each other or thinking about the other one and have incredible sex and chats that last all night then they obviously have the compatability thing going on a 10 out of 10 scale

What you're describing there is chemistry, not compatibility. You can't tell compatibility from a short interaction like that, it doesn't work that way. Compatibility is about having shared values and belief systems which mesh well together. It takes six months or so of really knowing somebody to gain an idea and about two years to properly work out whether you are compatible.

Okay Cabrinha

For the sake of argument, let's say you're right and I am inventing this in my head to make myself feel better and he does not give a flying fuck about me.

The thread wasn't to ask about that to be fair. It was to ask if people ever got back together if things had been timed wrong because I was struggling between the idea of continuing to see him while he works through this or doing the smart thing and walking away while he sorts it out himself.

It is easier to do the latter if I feel "if it's meant to be he will be back when he is ready"

I understand what you are saying and would probably say the same if I was reading snippets of a story.

Thanks everyone for giving me a wee bit of hope. I'd like to think if it's meant to be it will be.

Hard to walk away from someone when they don't want you to and you don't want to either but I feel like if we tried now we're just in diferrent places.

I think you're with my recent ex.

He did all of this.

Played me like a total fool.

No contact for the last month has given me the headspace to cut my love for him, to ponder if he ever loved me, the answer is yes but not enough.

Do I want him now I've moved on. No.

Not at all because what he was essentially doing was keeping his options open by blocking what was there. Frightened of missing something better.

I don't want half-arsed.

Yeah the affection, the constant touch, the waking up in exactly the same spoons we fell asleep in, the long talks, the nights out, the afternoons in front of the telly together were beautiful, but it wasn't enough for him. He said he wasn't ready to be 'the boyfriend'. He's done this to a long string of women. Says he gets 'claustrophobic' etc.

I will be enough for someone else.

Move on OP. This may be lovely, addictive, satisfying in the short term but he isn't likely to deliver the LTR while you're sat waiting. So don't sit around for him and if in two years he's realised he has been stupid, then try again for the real thing if you're not deliriously happy with someone who is really sure you're amazing.

I can't believe I was prepared to settle for something so half-arsed. Just don't do it to yourself.

I don't understand the aim of this splitting up but not splitting up really stuff...

Surely splitting up because what is going on now is not working is sensible, that's what you are proposing.

But why after making that painful decision would you want to 'hope' that you will get back together one day if he works out some issues that really have only been diagnosed by you?

He's not the only man in the world you will ever be compatible with, at the moment you are not compatible really at all because he isn't meeting your needs for a committed relationship and doesn't intend to (falling for you is bullshit to put off someone who has stronger feelings than you have IMO).

That's all you need to know really isn't it? Just actually move on now, don't 'hope'...

Yes, but luck/timing and not behaving badly were crucial to my happy outcome.

I was unhappily married, actually living 3,000 miles apart from my dh for years (his choice - I wanted to move to where he was living but he refused as it was financially better in his opinion for us to stay in our respective locations.) I had transitioned from utter misery and hating being apart to the inevitable point of being self sufficient and happier when I was alone than when we visited each other. My dh had become (actually always was, I now realise) a bitter person who constantly felt like he was hard done by. Our daily phone calls had basically been a daily rant from him about how his bosses/company were screwing him etc... I got to the point of dreading his calls. This about 3 years into our long distance arrangement. I absolutely wanted to divorce him, I knew it (married 5 years at that point). I did nothing about it because frankly I was living a separate life and wasn't interested in the idea of moving on and finding a new partner (marriage had put me off) and I was busy with work. Not least, despite being a grown independent woman, I somehow was very nervous to disappoint my parents, so the pretence continued. Around that time I met my future dh through mutual friends. We met several times, always in group gatherings and were never alone except for a brief 5 minutes at a party where we acknowledged that we were incredibly attracted to each other. We never acted on it and I remember going home that evening feeling ever worse about the state of my life and marriage.

Knowing how I felt about this man, I made sure to never see him and avoided gatherings where I knew he would be. After another two miserable years I finally filed for divorce (no kids) and started my life, to this day I don't know what took me so long! A month after I was officially divorced, I got the man's number from a mutual friend and called it, for all I knew he was married by this point but as it turned out, he wasn't and we went on a date the next night. Together and happy ever since :) (7 years). I know this sounds unbelievable but I swear this is exactly how it happened for me. We're now in our late thirties, and struggling with infertility issues currently but I never dreamed I would be so happy.

Feel free to puke if this is too sickly sweet, I'd understand!

10 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy I met at uni. Lovely chap but a bit of an immature commitment phobe- we were in a long distance relationship and he kept promising to move to be near me and then changing his mind. I then met a wonderful man through work. It was all wrong- I was in a relationship, he didn't want children, I didn't want to end my relationship for a man who didn't want children, but we couldn't stay away from each other either...

10 years on, we've been married for nearly 7 years and have a 3 week old son

If he's still on the phone to his ex I would assume he's still into her, and don't hang about waiting 3-4 months to see if he changes his mind! Then go through the whole process all over again. Or you'll be another one of his ex's believing his angst, just like this one he talks to, presumably.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about your feelings with someone, the elephant in the room is that you sense they don't feel the same way.

I met my DH while he was dating a friend of a friend.
We met at a New Years Eve party 6 years ago, and really hit it off. We had the same interests, same career path and a lot to talk about....and he was reeeaaaallly fit!!
His now. Exgf was swanning around with all her friends that he didn't know and didn't bother to introduce him to anyone, so we more or less stayed chatting in the kitchen most of the night.
A few months later, he deployed to Afghanistan, and surprise surprise, slutty-pants couldn't keep her slutty pants on, and cheated on him within a couple of months of him being away.
He emailed me while he was away, telling me all about it, and that he wanted to talk to someone outside of his work who still understood the struggles of deployment. Who knew I could be such a good shoulder to cry on?!
He got home, and we went on our first real date. 6 years later we are married with a DD, and slutty pants is still bitter and twisted about it

I used to say this.

What I meant was, 'I can't be arsed.'

Lovely sparkly!

So you began an EA, she had a PA and then you 'won' the man and now you call her really derogatory names... All sounds immature and silly IMO...

Op there are two things that could explain his behaviour IMO;

1. He has in actual fact been idealising his ex for years and years and no-one has ever lived up to his idea of her so her coming back into his life has put him in a spin.

Or

1. He never got over her and idealised her and when she popped back up he had reservations about jumping back into a relationship with her (which is what he wants) so he needed something to shield him a little bit from that.

If it is 1 then run because a man who idealises a particular ex and never moves on with his life over a period of years and years is not a man who is emotionally healthy or safe to be in a relationship with.

If it is 2 you are being used as a human body shield to protect him from being hurt by her and he will say anything to you to keep you around.

Yes I did.
I was on and off with my current OH for over 2 years.
He wasn't in the right place at all and neither was I really.
I called it all off and didn't see him for nearly 6 months.
Then we got back together and it's been great as we are both in a much better place.
It's been on properly for over 2.5 years now and we are buying a house together at the moment.
It can and does work once everyone is a better frame of mind.

I think it's possible, but from the way you've described your situation I think the most likely explanation is that he's just not that into the idea of a LTR with you. I might be wrong, but it reads that way.

Long story, but I basically met him at the absolutely worst possible moment and I do think he feels the same but is in total denial over it.

You can't possibly say that you know his feelings better than he does.

If you are both single then I'm not sure that there is a right person/wrong time thing going on. If he felt as strongly as you then I don't think he would be giving you the brush off.

a wee bit of hope - you're asking someone to wave a magic wand over that relationship, OP. Please listen to what Cabrinha (who I do not know) is saying very clearly to you.

If a man is interested in you he will make it obvious, and that it not the case with this one from all that you say. I think when you become more experienced in relationships you will see that too.

I used to write romantic fiction. The key to a good story was there being a massive obstacle to the couple being together that they would then overcome (or not).

In olden days, family pressures, societal pressures, no divorce, meant you sometimes genuinely couldn't be with the one you loved. But nowadays, in our culture, the only real obstacle to be together is oneself - the choice not to be together.

Don't kid yourself OP. If this was a real love story you'd be together now.

Prince Charles and Camilla spring to mind. I think it is possible, but that its tough to distinguish it from someone trying to dump you nicely, or not wanting to face facts about your own relationship.

Yeah I suppose waiting to be the king of England and all the duty that entails is a big obstacle to a normal relationship.

Is your bf a member of the royal family op?

No he's not royalty and I do understand where all you are coming from.

offred had the situation about right.

He'd loved this woman a lot. Been with her (only woman he was ever with really) and since she'd left him he'd been depressed and felt like they would end up together eventually and get married and have kids. It was a very young but very long romance and a first love and actually I felt the same about mine for many years so i understand that.

He had literally not seen her since the day they split (and actually they split by letter) so he'd spent a few years romantacising this and seeing getting back together as the answer to all his problems.

He was looking around for something casual /his heart was not in it and we were messaging each other but he was also messaging other women. Just messing around maybe a few dates here and there and he was 100% not up for a relationship with anyone at all because he believed that he'd end up married to the ex.

So right before we had our first date, he had unexpectedly got a message from the ex who had said she was "in town" and she ended up staying with him for a week. I rememeber that as he'd told me at the time and discussed how worried and anxious he was.

He saw her and he said it was awful. Nothing like he'd remembered, none of the passion left, he'd not even kissed her or felt connected to her or aven attracted and he said it has been a sad experience because all that time spend with her on a pedestal and he was wrong. She stayed with him a few days and on the last day they slept together and he said it was awful, felt sad and wrong and was the worst sex he could remember and he realised he'd been young and was with the wrong perosn that he had now outgrown.

He says all this time she had kept him hanging by calling him and leaning on him and dropping hints of getting back together when she was between boyfriends and he'd felt it was a matter of time and meeting up with her /sleeping with her made him realise it was properly over.

So all of this happenned the week before out first date, and so i personally find it unsuprising he's not in a place to jump into a new relationship but I do believe he likes me as much as I do him and that the potential is there for something amazing. He has said several times it never felt with her like it does with me and I think he is a little immature when it comes to it all and is in shell shock.

I think he needs time and space and maybe, who knows?

what i dont want is to date him now when he is finishing his grieving over something else.

I hope that makes sense, he is with me but not fully with me and it feels wrong for us. Like a bad way to start

I'd rather he went off for a year and had his freedom and experience and time to let it all go and open the new chapter and then meet him for a drink if there's something still there.

I think if he was interested in you he wouldn't have started dating you so soon after he slept with her.

You are a distraction because he is still attached to the idea of her being 'the one' and it not being possible to measure up to her and he has not processed what the reality of their relationship is.

It's cruel to lead someone on and keep them hanging but it's ridiculous to allow someone to do this to you for so long too. He's seeing himself as the victim and feels it's ok to use other women as a distraction IMO.

He'd not even met me when he went on a first ate with me, I don't think he thought he was going to like me - but then I didn't either. How can you know?

It's not been long!

His relationship with her is not the problem. He is choosing to ruin his own life and blame it on her.

He does not need to 'grieve' their non-existent relationship which he made up in his head. He needs to get over his issues with women.

I'm sure he doesn't dislike you. He doesn't love you either. He is not capable of love IMO. He is obsessing over something that is not and has never been reality.