Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DH being selfish, how to change this?

89 replies

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 16:39

Hi all, I don't know if I'm positing this In the right forum, sorry if I'm not!

Basically my DH is selfish in bed and I don't know how to change things. I feel like the sole focus of sex is to "get him there" with no consideration to "get me there" sometimes I do before him and that's fine but if I don't then we just stop and he makes no attempt to do anything more. (Trying not to be too descriptive with my words lol)

I feel like this is really really unfair, if I'm the one to initiate sex and then I'm left feeling disappointed it just makes me feel like why did I even do that? What was the actual point of it?

He's made an effort in the past don't get me wrong it's not every time but I'd say it's like 99% of the times I don't "get there" through sex he will just be ok with this....and I just feel like screaming.... WHAT ABOUT ME?!?

He also doesn't do forplay he just dives right in, Ive tried to talk about it so many times but it ends up where I feel bad for bringing it up and selfish.

We have a great relationship and im happy in other aspects it's just the sex thing that's getting to me now.

What would you guys do?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:44

carry on

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 10/01/2016 18:46

Many blokes lose interest once they cum. However, hence why you should tell him you first, then penetration, then he can cum. While he has a proper incentive to try.

He gets his reward after he performs not before

NameChange30 · 10/01/2016 18:46

I just find it completely staggering that you put up with this.

Do what I suggested (and a PP) and don't give him an orgasm until he's given you one. If that means withholding PIV until you've had an orgasm, so be it.

Original poster

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 18:47

Maybe that's where I'm gong wrong then expecting my orgasm to be last instead of first.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 10/01/2016 18:47

Cross post! That's 3 votes for that strategy now.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:47

yup

NameChange30 · 10/01/2016 18:48

And the penny drops. Yes OP! Ladies first

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/01/2016 18:48

I've read the additional posts now and have realised that this idiot just doesn't give a shit. I wouldn't put up with such disrespect. OP I think you need to replace him with a real man who knows and cares what his woman wants.

WickedWax · 10/01/2016 18:51

I think you've tried everything... Talking to him, getting du

WickedWax · 10/01/2016 18:53

Oops...

I think you've tried everything... Talking to him, getting sulky, finishing yourself off in front of him to try and shame him.

Bottom line is, he can't be arsed, he doesn't care about your orgasm, you could just as well be a blow up doll, it doesn't matter to him. Sorry.

Original poster

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 18:55

Thanks everyone. This is definitely going to be a rule from now on.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted I love him and so do my kids so Im not going to leave him over a sex issue, it's just something that needs to be resolved ASAP before I combust!!

OP posts:

upaladderagain · 10/01/2016 18:57

Another vote for you climbing on board, then hopping off just as he's about to pop. That'll learn the selfish bugger. If it doesn't you need to find someone who actually cares about your feelings and your well-being.

Original poster

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 18:58

I would actually love to see his reaction to this!!

OP posts:

FelineLou · 10/01/2016 18:58

I am in my 70s. There was a book "The Joy of Sex" which was informative and exciting, with illustrations. I believe they have updated it recently. You are happy with him so teach him what you need.
Buy the book and read it together so you have something authoritative to base your requests on. Men get carried away by their own sex drive and need to slow down and enjoy their partners experience too. He is being selfish but he needs to be reminded often that your desires matter too. Break the pattern with the book and be more assertive in telling him every time.

lavenderhoney · 10/01/2016 19:03

99% but not all of the time, op? That means time in a hundred he gives a crap you're enjoying it, which means 3 times a year, depending on frequency of sex.

That's a bit crap, isn't it?

Either you don't like sex with him that much and just put up with it, or he is using you as a mindless screw. Awesome :(

Do you use the vibrator when alone? Or doesn't he like the idea of that?

PlaymobilPirate · 10/01/2016 19:05

I'd juat say 'I'm not ready yet, can you do xxx' when he tries to 'dive straight in' and refuse to given in. It must be bloody uncomfortable to go straight into sex when you're not ready!

lorelei9 · 10/01/2016 19:05

Disgrace, three what please?

ZenNudist · 10/01/2016 19:09

You're what? 26 ? And you're intending to stay doth this man the rest of your life.

That's a long time to have bad sex.

Original poster

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 19:09

Yes I use it when alone and he knows I do, I wouldn't give two craps if he didn't like it.

Yes it is uncomfortable I get annoyed with it tbh

I have no idea why I've let this go on for so long, like I said I have brought it up to him but not in ages because nothing ever changes. I am going to make sure in future that he's giving me what I want first otherwise he isn't getting anything and if that STILL doesn't change him then we have a serious problem.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 10/01/2016 19:10

If he doesn't get the message about you finishing first, you just stop part way through and announce your finished and he should sort himself out if he wants to cum.

Original poster

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 19:11

I know ZenNudist this is what I've been thinking lately!! I don't want crap sex for the rest of my life which is why I wanted advice from other people.

OP posts:

DontMindMe1 · 10/01/2016 19:13

if you were both 18 when you got together then it sounds like he doesn't have much experience or idea of what 'love making' is. he knows what 'sex' is.

that's no excuse for his selfishness though, and i'm not sure i'd want to remain with a partner who after 8 years still didn't understand or care that i too needed to feel 'satisfied' and desired rather than used like a 'free' prostitute.

if you're sure you still want to help him become more considerate of your feelings and want to pleasure you , then maybe watch some educational dvd's on it with him? i'm not talking about porn but the teaching aid variety. but my feeling is he just can't be arsed about anything other than his own satisfaction and doesn't want to put any effort in - hence why he stops 'trying' after a while. someone who genuinely loves and cares about you doesn't behave like that.

since you're already on a bj strike you could go on sex strike and use it to show him that there's more to making love and feeling close to his wife than just sticking his wick in. something like for a month, however many times a week you currently have sex that's how often you give each other a full body massage..so he can get to actually know your body and learn how to pleasure you without sexual intercourse. there's tons of youtube videos on it if he needs pointers

then everytime he 'forgets' to incorporate what he's learnt and slips into his old routine i'd go back to the above.

his reaction and actions regards the above might help you decide whether this really is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. if things don't improve or you remain stuck in the same cycle, do you feel you could live this way for the rest of your life with him? can you live a lifetime with 'empty sex'?

he needs to acknowledge and deal with this and he won't until you leave him with no other choice, whether it's something like the above or giving him an ultimatum. i've known men who in my opinion were really bad in bed - but not when it came to wanting to give me pleasure and trying to make it good for me too. yes, i was left frustrated and wanting at time but it didn't have that particular bite of resentment that comes from sleeping with someone who just doesn't give a shit about your satisfaction.

PlaymobilPirate · 10/01/2016 19:13

I'm guessing disgrace means 3 orgasms for her.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/01/2016 19:18

Three organs a for the woman. One for the man. Only with the wife.

TheCraicDealer · 10/01/2016 19:20

If it were me, I'd have sex with him, get on top and shortly before he cums get off him, put my dressing gown on and go to the kitchen to put the kettle on. When he challenges you say, "I fancied a cup of tea and decided it was more important to sort myself out with that than finish you off".

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread