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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH being selfish, how to change this?

89 replies

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 16:39

Hi all, I don't know if I'm positing this In the right forum, sorry if I'm not!

Basically my DH is selfish in bed and I don't know how to change things. I feel like the sole focus of sex is to "get him there" with no consideration to "get me there" sometimes I do before him and that's fine but if I don't then we just stop and he makes no attempt to do anything more. (Trying not to be too descriptive with my words lol)

I feel like this is really really unfair, if I'm the one to initiate sex and then I'm left feeling disappointed it just makes me feel like why did I even do that? What was the actual point of it?

He's made an effort in the past don't get me wrong it's not every time but I'd say it's like 99% of the times I don't "get there" through sex he will just be ok with this....and I just feel like screaming.... WHAT ABOUT ME?!?

He also doesn't do forplay he just dives right in, Ive tried to talk about it so many times but it ends up where I feel bad for bringing it up and selfish.

We have a great relationship and im happy in other aspects it's just the sex thing that's getting to me now.

What would you guys do?

OP posts:

Report

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:21

Do you own a vibrator, OP

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/01/2016 18:26

I sometimes wonder if men are going backward in their attitudes. I was told by my dad over the traditional cigar and whisky: "three for her, one for you, outside the family, inside the species, no new holes". Then we put the cricket back on. That was nearly 40 years ago.

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 18:27

Yes I do AnyFucker I bloody need one!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:27

Do you use it when you are with him ?

fruitlovingmonkey · 10/01/2016 18:28

Play the Lily Allen song "It's not fair" on repeat until he gets the message.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:29

ha !

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 18:30

Haha good idea!! Yes we have done before and I got the feeling he felt a bit awkward about it so I didn't bring it up again because there's nothing more of a turn off than knowing the other person isn't enjoying something.

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 10/01/2016 18:31

I vote for the Lilly Allen song too.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:33

So did you stop using your vibrator when he was there ? Sorry to push, but your last reply wasn't clear ?

Make a point of finishing yourself off with the vibrator.

JohnLuther · 10/01/2016 18:35

I'd do what AF suggests and when he says what are you doing just say well you didn't fucking bother!

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:36

Exactly.

If he objects ask him does he think women shouldn't have orgasms ?

KP86 · 10/01/2016 18:36

Get half way through, climb off and say 'See? How do you like it?'

NameChange30 · 10/01/2016 18:36

"if he isn't getting me there through sex o feel he should be doing other things afterwards so I'm not left feeling disappointed"

You've got it the wrong way around, love. Your pleasure should not be an afterthought, it should be part of the main event. He needs to be pleasuring you as part of foreplay. It will make you more likely to orgasm through PIV sex, and if you can't, he should bring you to orgasm before PIV.

Interesting that it turns you off if he's not enjoying it. Clearly it makes no difference to him whether you're enjoying it or not!

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 18:37

No we carried on, he was using it on me, I just never asked him to do it again. Once we've finished having sex I finish myself off hoping it will shame him into realising he is being selfish and he should be the one doing it but no results as of yet!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:37

Emma is right

OP, it seems clear that neither of you think a woman's pleasure is equally as important as a man's

Allyearcheer · 10/01/2016 18:38

Is it possible he has absolutely no idea what to do to help you orgasm and that is why he is avoiding even trying? I am not excusing him btw.
Maybe the conversation needs to be about him being ok with you teaching him, rather than him just avoiding the issue.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:39

Look him straight in the eye as you finish yourself off with the vibrator and say "I have to do this because you do not acknowledge my pleasure is equally as important as yours"

With Lily Allen playing at top volume in the background

NameChange30 · 10/01/2016 18:40

"Once we've finished having sex I finish myself off hoping it will shame him into realising he is being selfish and he should be the one doing it but no results as of yet!!"

Stop giving him orgasms. Make his orgasm conditional on you getting one first. You might find he is miraculously interested all of a sudden. If he's still not interested, your relationship is (or should be) in serious trouble.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 10/01/2016 18:41

If you say something and he says you are implying he is bad in bed ask him exactly what he thinks being good in bed is. And actually make him tell you. If he has nothing to say then you can say clearly he has a lot to learn and the lesson starts here.

I used to make a rule with previous partners they had to make me cum first before they even got to penetration. Post orgasmic penetration is imo much better anyway, that way multiples lie

Turns the tables a bit and guarantees you get there.

NameChange30 · 10/01/2016 18:41

Is he your first and only sexual partner?

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 18:42

AnyFucker I do believe it's important but I don't mind if it's before/during/after that's why I said if I don't get there through sex he should be doing things after to make sure I do.

Allyyearcheer he does know what to do because he's done it before it's just not a regular thing which I find really frustrating because he does know what he's doing he's just choosing not to

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/01/2016 18:42

He's not very old so he can't be that uninformed/thick. He's doing it on purpose either to punish you or because he doesn't give a shit.

Get yer vib out and finish yourself off in front of him afterwards.

Any bloke who tried to climb on without any foreplay would know that PIV is out of bounds. Permanently.

I quite like KP86's suggestion and think you should try that first.

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sije · 10/01/2016 18:43

I can't be the only one who's got no idea what DisgraceToTheY is alluding to.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2016 18:44

well, like a PP said, if you carry letting him effectively wank into you until he gets his orgasm and ignore the fact that you go none then nothign is goign to change is it ?

LittleLegs25 · 10/01/2016 18:44

No he isn't AnotherEmma but I wasn't very experienced when I first met him because I was only 18

OP posts:

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