Help with lying partner

[Lolly1984]

Let me give you the basics: we've been together 6 and 1/2s, we have 2 sons, one 5 one 6 months. In October I found out he had not been telling the full truth about his credit card debt. I knew he had one, but only a couple of thousand. Turns out he had 3, I looked in his wallet. He only admitted to 2, and the total debt being 12k. He persuaded me the third was an old card and it was only the 2 credit cards that had the debt.

Lots of talking, arguing, crying. We resolved it, he got a debt consolidation and included my (small in comparison) credit card inc too.

Fast forward to today, the debt consolidation letter came, addressed to both of us, I opened it. There are 4 cards on there, mine, the 2 he's admitted to and of course, the 3rd one he made me think I was crazy and swore didn't exist.

I'm stuck. He had every opportunity to admit to the 3 cards, and I'm not sure why he'd admit to 12k debt but not 14k ( my estimate to what the debt really is) I understand he might be embarrassed etc but we are meant to be a partnership!
He's due home at 5, is don't want to be here, but I have to face it right? Considering getting our 5 yr old to have a sleep over somewhere else coz I'm concerned it will turn into a fight even if I'm determined now to be mature and calm....
Unfortunately we've had a rocky relationship and I have doubts about our future anyway, but I've gotta keep trying right?!

Any advice will help, thanks

And again you talk about being liable for half the debt. You are both liable for the whole debt. If he said fuck it and left the country or declared bankruptcy then they'd come after you for every last penny plus possibly costs.

If I leave, nothing. They have my name and this address, no bank details etc, and I'm not paying a penny! It's his problem.
If I stay, Expect to see everything I ask for, and probably antagonise him slightly to see if he gets defensive?

Legally you can be made to pay every penny. Seriously. They have your full name and dob on the application from. They will send letters to previous addresses or people who might be you.

Are you within the cooling off period? Get this cancelled, if at all possible.

You are not paying off half his debts - you are each jointly and severally liable for the whole thing!

Google gaslighting, because this is what he is doing to you, with his, "oh, you're crazy, you knew about it all the time." Yeah, he's not hitting you, but he's financially and emotionally abusing you. (Which are now crimes that carry up to 5 years in prison.)

Also look at how much the debt repayment is per month X 60 you probably would have been a lot better doing step change and getting them to negotiate on your behalf .

Sorry I know it sounds like I'm banging on and on and having a go at you. I'm not, honestly. But it sounds like you don't really understand what you are leaving yourself open to. You've gone from a tiny credit card debt to potentially being liable for £15,000. You have no income.
He might pay it all off if you leave.
He might stop paying a penny if you leave - what's he got to lose?
If you stay he might pay it or he might not. I don't know.
But you've gone from having no financial commitment tying you to him and a tiny debt to linking your finances for what 5 years? And for £15,000. Do you want to give him £15,000? Because you might have to.

He has done you up like a kipper quite frankly. And you are letting him. Please get yourself back to square 1 - he has his debt and you have yours.

Why wouldn't he pay it? An honest question, he's paying it now as well as rent, bills etc... No, beyond cooling off, 2 months in at least

Really all credit cards cancelled?
Already?
No claims it would be good to keep one of the three just in case of emergencies or online shopping protection? Really?
I'd only believe it if I saw the cancellation letters - have you?

You are being startlingly naïve if you really think you get to just walk away from this debt if you don't pay up.

And I can't get out of it, kinda relying on goodwill I guess.

Yep screwed, well and truly.

It sound like he will pay it. But as I've said already, my big worry for you is that he'll just carry on using credit cards too. Because he never addressed his spending issues. (and not did you, with a debt lasting 10 years)

So you'll come back in 2 years with thousands still to pay on the loan and tales of yet another credit card bill for a few thousand more.

This happens ALL THE TIME, with people who are poor at living within their means.

Take your name off the debt consolidation. Quick. Even though it means he is not paying off your debt for you.

If I leave, nothing. They have my name and this address, no bank details etc, and I'm not paying a penny! It's his problem.

If he stops paying they will come after you for the full amount. They will find you.

By signing the forms you made a legal agreement to pay the money back if he doesn't.

You will end up in court, probably bankrupt with CCJs, no house, no car and no stuff.

It doesn't end after 5 years. It ends when either all the money is paid back or you are both declared bankrupt and everything of value has been sold.

Please take advantage of the cooling off period to get out of owning his debt before it is too late.

Why would he get himself £15K into debt and lie about it? He could lose his job, crash the car, have an affair, want a new laptop. All the same reasons he couldn't clear the credit cards each month.
He has persistent form for failing to pay off debts.

I have been exactly where you are. His good intentions lasted about 3 months and then he wanted stuff, money to spend, clothes, whatever. He had lied about cards and loans and I had to drag it all out of him. Fortunately we had no kids and I had been very careful not to have any joint finances. The mortgage was the only loan with my name on. I was able to take over the mortgage, buy him out and move on.

Sanity is right. If there is any chance of cancelling this consolidation, do it NOW!

YOU are now liable for the whole £15k if he defaults. Not to mention being financially linked.

It's madness.

Are the consolidation loan monthly repayments less than he was paying to the cards? Less than you could afford to pay?

I think you need a plan here, and a sadly you can't just walk away from this loan.

Get him to commit, with you, to paying back quicker.

Get good with your budget - both of you. You're both poor with that if you've had long term debts. See if you can get him on board with the challenge of being debt free sooner rather than later.

Be very careful with him. A lot of people don't see a loan as debt. They just see the £xxx a month as the commitment, not the scary £xxxxx total. So it's v v likely he'll just spend again.

Is the consolidation loan £15K? You said that was the amount for credit cards, so presumably the loan is £15K plus interest

I have no income, I did have a part time job before baby but not intending to for a while.
Going to take it day by day I think. I'm not sure I want to be with him anymore, but can't walk away and leave a debt, plus I have nowhere to go and nothing to do it with. Moving home is not really a viable option.

I'm hoping this has blown it all up and made him realise what thin ice he is on, I'm done with threats of leaving him, they haven't worked.

No further forward to what to do, but sounds like I'm stuck for a few years. I'll only be 35 then so I can start afresh knowing I tried everything humanly possible

I'm sorry love, but get real. He doesn't think he's on thin ice, because he's NOT on thin ice, is he?

Your threats to leave don't work because they're not real.

My friend was desperate to leave her husband but for purely practical reasons she couldn't until they were debt free - and the fucker kept putting more shit on their credit card! She reckons it added an extra year to being stuck with him.

You haven't tried everything humanly possible at all.

But fine, if you're going to stay, at least do it with a plan! No more debts. No more credit cards. And when your baby is 1, get back to work - that's the single biggest thing that's going to give you options, being able to support yourself.

He's not on thin ice! He's done everything bar hitting you or cheating on you and you're still there's! And £15k in debt with him. Sigh.

You are now financially linked to him and his bad decisions can affect your credit rating.

What is done is done. I suggest that you head over to the MSE forums and find any way at all to crunch the pennies. Stash little bits as and when you can. Build up a secret fuck you fund (and keep it secret!).

Do you think there is anyway you can get sight of his credit report? That will give you a full overview of the mess. You may like to check your own at the same time, just to see what is happening on there.

DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO SIGN YOU UP TO ANYMORE CREDIT. NOT FOR THE HOUSE NOR A CAR, NOR A 'MUCH NEEDED' HOLIDAY - NOTHING! You will be surprised how easy it can be even these days to consolidate a consolidation loan. Or top up the loan. Lots of sub prime loan companies will actively try and sell you a further loan when this one comes to an end - please make sure you don't sign up to that!

Will you be able to cope with him for another five years? If not, you need to plan for worst case and how you would pay it all off.

Good luck!

You are sticking your head in the sand and clouds! You need to look after your DC financially. You can't do that if your credit rating is fucked, you can't get anywhere to live or any money from him. Relying on his goodwill and diligence in paying is a shit plan.

Please, please seek advice from CAB, women's aid or a debt organisation on your liability for his debts. If it's the cooling off period for things you've signed, get your name taken off! Even if not you might be able to argue that you weren't properly informed of the implications before signing.

I don't understand. Why did you put your name on his debt consolidation? Surely it would have been far more prudent to keep your finances separate as you aren't married. THat way, you could have walked away with just your much smaller debt.

Now you are liable for all of it

I'm not sure I see the difference in being married or not, we live together and have children together, why not finances (before I knew he was not being truthful obviously.... I regret it now)

That said, it's done, there is no me getting out of it. I'm now in the position of making it work with a liar or not and being vulnerable to the debt. I honestly think my only solution is to stick it out.
I'm pleased we are not married at this point, I can squirrel money away and when it is all done and dusted we can go our separate ways financially. If this is a taste of what is to come I do not want to be tied to him when he does it again.
He cant extend it without my say so, he cannot get any more cards due to credit rating, all post comes to the house in joint names. Is there anything else I can do?!

If you were married then you would have more rights. As it stands he can walk out the door tomorrow and leave you to it. You'd have to pursiue him for child support and that's all you could hope for. If you were married you'd have a discussion about assets and be expected to sort things out fairly.
Being married doesn't make you responsible for his debts.
However the situation you're in is the worst of both worlds. He can walk away and leave you with the whole debt.
If you were married you could use the debt as part of any settlement. Maybe get yourself removed from the loan. Build in compensation for having been a sahm.
Ideally you'd be married and not on the consolidation loan.
But as you now realise you're stuck with it and him. I'm sorry :( I wish you'd had it clarified within the cooling off period. I would seriously think about getting some proper legal advice to limit your exposure.

Please get some proper advice: you might well have other options.

"If I leave, nothing. They have my name and this address, no bank details etc, and I'm not paying a penny! It's his problem".

This comment of yours Lolly is most worrying. It shows also an ongoing lack of financial awareness here and a tendency to bury your head in the sand. Its your problem as well now because you signed this agreement; these are legally binding.

Why did you sign this at all, that is a question you need to ask yourself amongst many others chief amongst them why you are choosing to walk down a path that could be your real undoing.

Because you have a loan in joint names you are considered financially linked. If you were married and had no joint loans/mortgage etc it would be less of a link. Strange but true.

Because you have a joint loan with someone whose credit rating is fucked then your rating is affected and is worse than it could be. If you try and leave and need credit checks for a rental, the credit checks may fail because of his history.

Please, please, please do not put anything on your credit card, not for him and not for the family. Please, please, please do not sign up for anything on credit because the family needs it. When the tv or washer go do not go to Brighthouse but look on freecycle or gumtree. The more debt you get into, the harder it is to leave and he may be aware of that. After all, you have just signed up to five years with him.

Please go on MSE and have a look around their forum.

How are things in the rest of the relationship?