Help with lying partner

[Lolly1984]

Let me give you the basics: we've been together 6 and 1/2s, we have 2 sons, one 5 one 6 months. In October I found out he had not been telling the full truth about his credit card debt. I knew he had one, but only a couple of thousand. Turns out he had 3, I looked in his wallet. He only admitted to 2, and the total debt being 12k. He persuaded me the third was an old card and it was only the 2 credit cards that had the debt.

Lots of talking, arguing, crying. We resolved it, he got a debt consolidation and included my (small in comparison) credit card inc too.

Fast forward to today, the debt consolidation letter came, addressed to both of us, I opened it. There are 4 cards on there, mine, the 2 he's admitted to and of course, the 3rd one he made me think I was crazy and swore didn't exist.

I'm stuck. He had every opportunity to admit to the 3 cards, and I'm not sure why he'd admit to 12k debt but not 14k ( my estimate to what the debt really is) I understand he might be embarrassed etc but we are meant to be a partnership!
He's due home at 5, is don't want to be here, but I have to face it right? Considering getting our 5 yr old to have a sleep over somewhere else coz I'm concerned it will turn into a fight even if I'm determined now to be mature and calm....
Unfortunately we've had a rocky relationship and I have doubts about our future anyway, but I've gotta keep trying right?!

Any advice will help, thanks

Oh god OP, you're not married so you have no claim on the house, no chance of claiming spousal maintenance to offset your lost earnings from being a SAHM, and you've just signed a credit agreement to pay off half of his debts, which he lied - repeatedly - to your face about.

First things first - all credit agreements have a 14-day cooling off period, by law. So call the lender first thing tomorrow and say you want to cancel the agreement. There is no way you want to be responsible for £7 of his debt if he can't even tell you the fucking truth about it and make YOU out as the crazy one, right?

Then you decide where you're going to go from here, but personally I just couldn't be arsed with all this - you're never ever going to know if he's telling the truth, you will be constantly paranoid and checking up on him. Honestly I'd pull the plug, no sense throwing good time and money after bad.

after he admitted to the size of the debt and the fact it was 2 cards not 1, why didn't he admit the 3rd?

I hate to bring this up, but could it be because there are even more? Is there any chance that he's trying to find a solution to the debt he's admitted to, and somehow hoping the "answer" can then be applied to others?

Op I seriously could of written your post myself last year!! I knew xp was in debt - helped him consolidate his loans and cards. Just after having our baby (literally a week after) I discovered he had another loan. Like you say, plenty of opportunities to admit it, lots of conversations about being open and honest. But instead he kept lying right to me.
It was never about the amounts, but the fact he'd lied to my face on so many occasions.
we were quite rocky previously but had gotten to an ok place - however when all the lies came out, I just felt I couldn't trust him. How could I put mine and my kids financial future in with someone who would lie right too me. In all honesty, it broke me.
I did try and work through it, but I was so hurt (and with the previous stuff) I struggled and failed to get over it. The lies were just too much and I had no trust left.
You never have to make it work - if you want to, then give it a dam good go, but if its gone too far then don't feel you have to stay

(on a side note, if you do want to work through, he can sign up to Experian.co.uk and access his credit report for you - will show you all credit/debt he has)

Sounds just like my xh.
Stop thinking he's paid the bills. He hasn't. The credit card company have. You are a bit stuffed being an unmarried sahm particularly now it turns out you're 14k in debt. Damage limitation is what you need now.
If he is prepared to be honest, live on a cash budget and hand control to you then it may be salvageable until you can leave debt free.

Also puzzledandpissedoff has a very good point - I'm my situation after cred checking I found it wasn't just the one he'd lied about.

She hasn't agreed to pay half the debt. If it's a joint loan and he doesn't pay she's responsible for all of it. All 14k with no income.

Fucking hell, it is terrifying how op has been stitched up like a kipper by this irresponsible liar

and still she says "it's not about the money"

of course it's about the money when you are paying back a loan of 14k that wasn't even yours in the first place

GiddyOn you're right, of course she's liable for the whole thing... I was thinking about splitting debt on divorce but they're not married

OP I hope you are with someone supportive right now and can take on board the practical advice from this thread. Cooling off period is only 14 days so I wouldn't hang about.

Ok, its now 15k and apparently I knew about the 3rd card.. Playing the crazy card again! I'm home, with the kids. I feel this has to work, for me, the kids, the combined debt. Lets say I'm going into a fraudulent relationship with my eyes open. Guard is up, boxing gloves on, everything being documented. I don't want to quit when I can stay and help him. I am marking a date in the diary, 3 months from here. If I still don't trust him I can walk away with my head held high and be able to look my kids in the eye when I explain why mummy doesn't love daddy anymore. I need support now, not criticism. I'm not being physically abused and the rent/bills are paid (ive seen his debit card statement) I value myself and I'm young so if/when the time comes I can move on and start dating again but at the moment its more better the devil you know.
If anything I should look on the positive, hes clearing a debt ive had for 10 years! :p
Self respect is a huge thing women lack, esp after having a baby but hear me when I say this: Hes damn lucky to have me!

So you are not being physically abused so that's alright then, wtf!

He's abused you financially though, and deprived you and your kids of a secure present and future life.

Sorry but I think you've made a massive mistake here - I'm all for helping my partner but Jesus - the fact he is letting you clean up his crap is despicable.

Not many women would do it OP so I hope he really turns out to be what you want - he's still lying so why would that change, I think you've got a future of more debt and lies to tbh.

I don't understand why you think you need to try - positive side, where about! You didn't need to do this, best of luck.

Yeah, he's damn lucky to have you willing to take on his debt

Bloody hell, would hate to see you with your guard down!

Not only did he lie about the money he's "playing the crazy card" on you.

I have lots of self esteem. I also don't have legal liability for a debt I didn't run up.

If your debt has also been undealt with for years, then I recommend MSE Debt Free Wannabes to both of you. It's inspirational, and has lots of tips!

And please please please get him to cancel those credit cards - I'm not just trying to piss in your chips, consolidation loan situations are well known to just land you in a worse place if you haven't learned to control your spending.

hes clearing a debt ive had for 10 years!

you really believe that ?

Is your name on the loan?

What did he spend it on, do you even know, probably not.

He's gas lighting and financially abusing you. Sure you might think you have self esteem and your guard up but you've sleep walked into a fucking stupid situation. You've become liable for £7500 of debt! How is that working in your favour?
Sorry to criticise, I know you asked for support but nobody can support you staying in this ridiculous situation. Apart from the fact that from a financial point of view staying with him might make him more likely to pay this consolidation loan by himself.

She is potentially liable for £15k worth of debt, actually

I get wanting to help a loved one or partner but when they are continually lying to you, you don't turn around and say ok then I agree to be liable for your debt. His lying is a symptom of his inability or unwillingness to be honest and open with you, in other words, he's conned you big time.

I've read some crazy shit on here but this is the worst.

All you've actually done is enable him to carry on being a selfish prick and deprive you and your kids of a normal healthy life.

Hi

I was in more or less the same situation with my ex husband.

If you want my totally honest opinion I would say leave him.

I too found out about debts, a son he had for a previous relationship, theft from his employers the list went on and on. Each time I didn't leave him it gave him a green light to behave any way he wanted to.

My ex husband and I have a son together who is 3 now. He hasn't bothered to see him but that's another story.

The questions I would ask myself is, if he can lie about this what else is he capable of living about and, also whether you want your little ones to grow up with that kind of role model?

Yes, maybe there is a plausible explanation like he didn't want to worry you about the debt, but I would want to know why he ran them up without telling you. What did he use them to purchase?

Sorry in advance if I sound harsh, hope it all works out ok.

X

The old "didn't want to worry her" does not apply, because it does not fit with him "playing the crazy card" and has lighting her that he had told her when he hadn't.

I can see why your not LTB now. It is a process, as much as we all fear for you now.

You can hopefully appreciate yours bring financially abused.

Set your date in the diary but please be very clear now on what conditions he has to have met for you not to then separate. I say this because I would bet my months money on you finding a way to see that he's partway met your MIMIMUM criteria but that you'll still try to convince yourself that there's hope.

Aw ur a tough bunch!
My alternatives as I see it:
leave him, move home with my (v difficult) mum, deprive the kids of a dad and start the world of 'visiting dads' (something I had as a kid and hated), be liable for half the total debt coz of a stupid decision to go joint on debt consolidation, lose the house and furniture and our pets. Miss out on smallest one as I'd have to go back to work.
Or:
Accept he is a lying bastard, start the process of checking every single thing, all bank statements, every direct debit etc etc. Maintain a facade of normality and see if I can get to 3 months. He is paying my debt, and everything else, I have seen the evidence.

Ironically the cc statement shows no interesting purchase, just fuel and vet fees!

I have seen everything I've asked to, all bills are paid from debit account, all cards are cancelled.

I am being financially and possibly psychologically abused by him, but I need to look at it after a proper nights sleep when I feel stronger.

When I walk from this I need to know I've done all I can

Right now my priorities are getting the debt paid (something I'm not financially involved in but now I'm watching it) keeping a roof over the kids head and not killing him. Once I have no financial attachment there is no reason for me to stay (except the kids, but as you rightly point out its actually more detrimental to stay)

What do I gain from leaving him, right now, this minute?

1 Is your name on the loan?

2 How long is the term?

If your name is on the loan and he disappears you will be chased to pay ALL of it. If keeping him paying means keeping him happy then you may have locked yourself in to the relationship for the length of the loan.

If your name is not on the loan, no stress.

He's just made you/ you walked in with your eyes wide open to a minimum of £15k of debt. You have a financial involvement, you can an will be held responsible for both your and his debt.

Name IS on the debt consolidation, and it's over 5 years. I'm aware this means staying with him for 5 years.... Maybe start internet dating in 4.5 yrs?! (Joke)

Lolly if he doesn't make any effort in the next 3 months you say you'll leave with your head held high.
Can you talk me through what you think will happen to that 15k of debt if you do leave? Or indeed what will happen if you stay and he doesn't reform his ways?