Help with lying partner

[Lolly1984]

Let me give you the basics: we've been together 6 and 1/2s, we have 2 sons, one 5 one 6 months. In October I found out he had not been telling the full truth about his credit card debt. I knew he had one, but only a couple of thousand. Turns out he had 3, I looked in his wallet. He only admitted to 2, and the total debt being 12k. He persuaded me the third was an old card and it was only the 2 credit cards that had the debt.

Lots of talking, arguing, crying. We resolved it, he got a debt consolidation and included my (small in comparison) credit card inc too.

Fast forward to today, the debt consolidation letter came, addressed to both of us, I opened it. There are 4 cards on there, mine, the 2 he's admitted to and of course, the 3rd one he made me think I was crazy and swore didn't exist.

I'm stuck. He had every opportunity to admit to the 3 cards, and I'm not sure why he'd admit to 12k debt but not 14k ( my estimate to what the debt really is) I understand he might be embarrassed etc but we are meant to be a partnership!
He's due home at 5, is don't want to be here, but I have to face it right? Considering getting our 5 yr old to have a sleep over somewhere else coz I'm concerned it will turn into a fight even if I'm determined now to be mature and calm....
Unfortunately we've had a rocky relationship and I have doubts about our future anyway, but I've gotta keep trying right?!

Any advice will help, thanks

Sorry James, that doesn't wash with me either, something so serious needs honesty, not more lies.

How much was your "small in comparison" credit card bill? And how has he managed to incorporate your debt with the debts that he owes which have been consolidated without your express consent and signature? Were you in any way involved in the debt consolidiation process?

As definitelybutter has said, as it appears the debts have been consolidated in your joint names, if he fails to make good on the repayments you may find yourself liable to pay his debts as well as your own.

cailindana- I think in my post I said the exact opposite of that she should do all the work. I said show him the letter and let him do the work of how to move forward. If op is unhappy on top of this absolutely LTB. If she is otherwise keen to keep the relationship with two young kids in tow too I just don't think this has to be a deal breaker.
I do think some people do lie about money because they recognise they aren't good with money and don't want to worry or get a bollocking basically...
Doesn't to me amount to untrustworthy across the board and therefore black and white as in ltb.
He shouldn't have lied, but if he is otherwise a good, nice person/ husband and father it can be worked on. Imo.

If a person recognises they aren't good with money then there are ways to deal with that. It does not excuse racking up massive debt and then lying about it. The 'don't want to worry' excuse is absolute bollocks - the only reason a person doesn't tell about what they've done is to protect themselves from their partner's totally understandable anger and worry, it is entirely and utterly selfish.

A good, nice partner that racks up a debt of 14K - really?

OP you have effectively made yourself liable for his debt so if he defaults they come for you - and you are not married so why you agreed to that is beyond me, it has probably made your credit worthiness zero also.

I'm also baffled that you can think a person who puts their partner in so much financial trouble, says nothing about it, then lies repeatedly about it can be an 'otherwise good nice person' wowis - how horrible does a person have to be?

What are the other problems in your "rocky" relationship? Is he really so great?

These men are so often "great dads" he could still be a great dad without being in a relationship with him. Anyway, great dads don't repeatedly lie about big debts.

you're not liable for his debts.

I think everyone has very valid points, but can I reiterate it is not about the money. If it was £100 and he lied id still be just as upset.
We have had issues in the past, nothing major but enough that ive been unhappy at times. However we moved on, had another baby, then I discovered this.
I totally get the 'didnt want to worry me' id just had a baby, but after he admitted to the size of the debt and the fact it was 2 cards not 1, why didn't he admit the 3rd? And after lots of quizzing he still denied it, told me it was an old invalid one.
If he'd lied about something else, eg said he'd bought milk but hadn't, or had taken the dog for a walk, and id not believed him, surely a moral person would admit it eventually?
My issue is the lying. Ive left with the kids tonight, I'm too emotional to deal with it. Long term I don't know :(

Good, give yourself some space, I agree, I couldn't get past the lying, but I'd also never get past the debt he's incurred either.

Hope you have somewhere to go and RL support.

It might be useful to investigate your position as regards his debts: and your housing and financial position should you decide to leave him (now or in the future).

I have met a huge number of good nice people who get themselves and others up shit creek with either debt, alcohol, lying about redundancy etc etc.
I have been a psychotherapist for over 10 years working with individuals and couples and seen this time and time again. They think they will sort it before the other person has to know then by the time they realise they can't its even worse and so on. Its also linked to pride and shame and whilst it absolutely doesnt excuse his behaviour neither does it mean that all people who get in debt then lie about it are horrible people!
If this guy is otherwise a shit head or op is not happy or he won't face the issue etc then ok ltb. But it is ridiculous to say that anyone with issues (whether others get hurt too or not) is not a good or nice person otherwise.
IMO.
I'm not religious but let he who is without sin etc

The OP will need to look at the terms of the debt consolidation agreement, Duck, but if it's in joint names then in all probabilty she, together with her dp, is jointly and severally liable to pay the agreed sum on a given date and it's likely that the outstanding balance owed will be become due if repayment is not made on time.

As Jan has said, the OP's creditworthiness will have taken a hit and could be less than zero at the present time.

op if he is simply untrustworthy in a number of areas I think some space away is a good idea. Let him think about his behaviour for a while and you can think about what you want too.
Good luck.

"Unfortunately we've had a rocky relationship and I have doubts about our future anyway, but I've gotta keep trying right?!"

Actually no you do not. The above thinking sounds like the sunken costs fallacy which is now basically causing you to make poor relationship decisions. You've over invested in him and you forget as well that the damage has already been done. Sunk costs are precisely that.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defence against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Debt consolidation as well was not the solution here either; its not for everyone and can be a more expensive way long term of clearing his overall debt which has also now become yours.

He should have sought the advice of a debt charity like Stepchange instead who could have contacted his creditors. Did he actually talk to someone like this beforehand, I sincerely hope he did but I would think he did not do so.

You are not married to this man so I cannot understand why you got your name also onto a debt consolidation agreement. You seem to have had no say in this at all either.

He is not a good dad to his children if he has treated you with such disdain by lying to you. How could you ever trust him with the finances ever again?. If he can lie to your face about this, then what else has he lied about?.

Really hope OP has not agreed to that goddess.

Wowis, OP had problems in the relationship before this. Her partner might well not be a horrible person, but should she decide to leave over this (or indeed for any other reason) that's OK right?

james I've done it too - once you lie it's very hard to go back and you lie more to try and get out of it but dig yourself in deeper. It's also the fact that if you admit it to someone else it makes it more real.
I'm not excusing or justifying what your DP has done OP but at no point when I did this did I not love or respect my husband completely, it really wasn't about him or our relationship at all ( that's how I saw it anyway) and it didn't seem very important in the grand scheme of things
Yes it's bad and needs to be discussed and a way forward found but if you love him and everything else is good then please don't listen to the LTB brigade

Apart from this issue there have seemingly been other issues in this relationship as well. Her post of 16.50 is very telling; she moved on but did he really do the same?.

Time away from him as OP has indeed now done is an excellent idea.

OP this 'good' father and partner has just lumbered you with £14K of debt.

hell yes Duck, she should leave if she wants to for any reason at all. And thanks for understanding my point.

Wowis - so you think your partner standing lying to your face over and over again is normal and nice people do it - I don't think so.

I get what you are saying about folk getting themselves into bother, we all at some point do and will but 14K and lie after lie, sorry but I disagree, I think to lie so easily probably means you are a bit of a liar in general, in other words, untrustworthy.

Oh god what a mistake!

WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN ON HIS DEBT?!!!!!!!!

Is there any way to reverse that? I don't suppose there's any cooking off period?

I bet you haven't gone for a loan based on paying back the absolute maximum you can afford? DO IT. Overpay. A rocky relationship with a liar. You need to throw all the money you can as a couple at that loan and get it gone before your credit rating is fucked and he leaves you also paying it. Bad bad move.

Also, go look at the Debt Free Wannabe section on MSE website. You will find many tales about how consolidation loans are often the worst thing you can do if you are poor with money. Because all that happens is he has 3 nice zero balance credit cards to go and rack up, whilst he's feeling all rich and able to keep on top of then because the monthly payments have just gone down with the loan.

It requires the kind of discipline that people who rack up debt in the first place don't have.

And it's a REALLY bad omen for spending again if you're still lying about the debt.

You absolutely must listen to him on the phone now CANCELLING all three cards. Then welcome to the world of checking his post to make sure he hasn't applied for another

No offence but unless you are rich what g/f agrees to pay off their b/f's 14K debt.

And what nice person allows her to do that!

Have the 'issues' you've had in the past also involved lying on his part, Lolly, or is this the first occasion that you've caught him out in a lie?

I hope you're with people you can unburden yourself to and that you're not having to put on a front while mentally struggling to comes to terms with this latest turn of events.

I think leaving him is the worst thing to do. You are responsible now for that debt - good luck getting him to pay it if you're not there - and you're not working. Better to stay with him, despite everything, just to make sure the debt is paid by his money. Then think about leaving.