Is it reasonable for asking fiance to have a second job?

[lijana]

My fiance has little savings due to coming from another country and making very little money there i.e. $100 per month. He has come to Australia and now works in IT support making $77K per year.
I make $97K per year and also work a second job teaching music on the weekend part time.
We have recently bought an apartment and have a mortgage which we would like to pay off.
I suggested that given he has little savings, that he should try finding a second job on the weekend to earn some extra money.
He is quite picky with what he wants to do, e.g. I said he could try doing sales however he does not like sales as he feels his personality isnt suited for it. (he is more of an introvert).
Is it reasonable for me to ask him to find a second job? I feel like a true man should be one who would do anything to look after their family and provide for their family.
I am working two jobs also, so I am no lazy person sitting on my back asking someone else to do the hard work.

Why is everyone sounding very abrasive and judging on me?
Don't people think I have been taken advantage of by the guy?
He said that he was lucky to date asian as they 'worked hard'. I feel like he wants to take advantage of other people's hard work and found some obedient girl who will 'listen to him'.
In Ukraine, he decided to quit his job and didnt work for 1 year and lived off his parents.

Don't people think I have been taken advantage of by the guy?

What people think is that its OK in this day and age for a wife to make more money than a husband without guilt and recrimination about his earning capacity. If he were sitting on his arse, different story.

Don't people think I have been taken advantage of by the guy?

It seems what people think is that its OK in this day and age for a wife to make more money than a husband without guilt and recrimination about his earning capacity. If he were sitting on his arse, different story.

I think if he were asking you to work your second job, we'd feel that he was taking advantage. But it sounds like you were already working that job, and you're asking him to keep up with your own expectations?

If he is pressuring you to work longer hours so he can have a fancy coffee maker, then yes, he's taking advantage. Otherwise, it just sounds like he appreciates your work ethic.

But it's irrelevant. Because you aren't happy with him and this isn't a relationship that's going to last.

In this day and age, women have evolved to hustle better in society and make more money. Compared to before they are much less liabilities than as housewives being kept like cats and house pets at home in the 50s.
Have men evolved to becoming more better houseworkers and housewives? Not really (some men perhaps). Have men evolved in becoming more better nurturers and carers? Not really. Many intuitively dont have this nature.
Also another thing about the age of 28 and older as a female. Whether we like it or not and however feminist how society is currently, our biological clocks cannot withhold this feminism. Women older are more likely to have kids with autism and other disabilities. Also men usually can marry younger women and dont have to marry an older one, I do not like the sound of it but its a fact and a biological truth.
Although we do have IVF etc so mitigate this biological truth, it is an expensive thing and not always successful, so unless a medical miracle can alter this, this fact cannot be altered.

But OP you are only 28, no matter how much you want children it is not worth tying yourself to someone you are incompatible with to have them. You are wasting time on someone who does not suit you., when you could be finding someone who is more in your way of thinking.

And no, from what you have said here I don't think you are being used, you are just two people with different paths in this world.

Women's biological argument doesn't hold here. It's like comparing apples to oranges. Sounds like you have different priorities to him and you would like him to adopt your lifestyle/attitude. Even if money was very tight, you can't expect someone to take up a second job just because. You can draw a new contract to get your share matching your contribution.

Some people may admire it but may lack the drive to work themselves to death for money.

Seems like you are on a treadmill and life goals set already. But it can cloud your judgement. This is your prime, enjoy it and love it. Don't ignore the important stuff in a relationship, just because a home loan won't get paid asap.

You have grown up watching your parents work so bloody hard to make a good life and I guess they did all that to make it easy for you. Don't go too fast that your most important relationships can't keep up with you. You need to find pace at which you both can manage together, don't drag him to your milestones because your Dad could do it.

Thanks for comments muggedonebay.

my dad could do it because my mum dragged him to her milestones. If she never had any suggestions and is just happy with the way things are, we would never accomplish as much.
I watched a documentary called The Wolfpack, the mother in that documentary was so complacent, happy as things are, hippie type that her husband ruined her life due to his laziness. She only realised it after 7 children, being isolated from her own family and a documentary made on her life and kids.
Behind every successful man there is a strong wise and hardworking woman.
By the way, everyone is of the opinion that my fiance doesnt want to work second job and is not that concerned about money. He also believes money is important. He plays the lotto to see if he can win. If he had completely different values to me, he wouldnt care for money and just give everything to charity.
Before I met him and in the early days of our relationship, he had a second job working in IT, however he got let go as the boss wanted him to work full time.

Your thinking goes from one extreme example to another. I believe you that money is important to him too. And you are correct in setting your goals per your timeline. I know we would still be renting if I had waited on my husband to be pro-active. So I understand where you are coming from. But giving someone a push and dragging someone by their feet are miles apart. I still think working on weekends is a very personal choice, specially if he earns an average salary, has contributed towards the house and isn't living for free.

I would like to say that you have good jobs, decent income and may be life doesn't need to be so hard. That dynamic worked for your parents and may be it was necessary for them as a couple. But from an outsider's perspective, you don't seem to be in dire need of extra cash for either of you to do two jobs. Relationships are more important to me at this stage so may be I'm biased. I would throw money at my problems if I could fix it with money. Hence, you are getting the advice not to ruin your relationship because of it. But if that is what being a true man really means for you, you need to decide that a man who earns less than you and contributes less than you is a good fit to be your children's father. My husband can't come close to my father's efforts, I feel the same that my husband could do more as I have seen my father do it. But I won't let that come between us. My father and my husband are two different people and have their own positives and negatives. Plus we are better off and don't need to go through hell like my parents did. They wanted us to benefit from it, not continue the cycle.

We can point you to innumerable number of documentaries where it is said that money/assets don't bring happiness. But that is not your reality but you asked for the feedback. Looks like you will resent him for not doing enough to 'provide' for his family. There is a time, age and experience with which you realise what is more important - money or love. Until you have had that realisation yourself, we won't be able to convince you otherwise.

Why not just enjoy what you have? Everything seems hard work.... What if he became ill or you did?
Money is not the be all and end all....

lijana, I just read your other thread. I'm shocked to say the least. Ignore my previous comments, you two are not suitable for each other. He dissected a pregnant mouse and you were more concerned about being questioned on taking an extra day off?? Words fail me!

There are people who apparently dissect mice, the mouse was dead from mousetrap. He didnt kill it. There are some people who posted that this is not a big concern, e.g. a science teacher and some others. Other people who posted and are jumping up and down appear to animal activist, or PETA types, hardcore vegetarians. We eat meat everyday...where does it come from? How did it get killed?
I asked him about this actually after the posts and answers from others. I said how do I know you wont dissect a cat or human. He said there are boundaries and the mouse was his boundary. He thinks its ridiculous that he would dissect a cat or human. To him the mouse was a rodent and knowing whether it was pregnant could mean something firstly his curiosity and e.g. finding out whether we have mouse infestation.

Bandying around phrases like 'true man' isn't going to win him over to your way of thinking (fwiw I disagree with the definition but found your later posts more helpful).

How does he feel about your cultural attitude to money and has he given you any indicators that he shares your drive in this respect? If not, you're not going to change him by shaming him. You need to incentivise this for him, show him what the money can do for your lives together. It may work, it may not, but if he doesn't respond to being inspired then you have your answer.

If PPs are right though, it sounds like your relationship is doomed and you'd be better focussing on getting out with your assets as intact as possible.

Wishing you luck. Incompatible attitudes for money sink many relationships. Better to really evaluate this before you walk up the aisle.

I posted the following on your other thread about whether your fiance's behaviour is abnormal but as I meant to post it here I'm duplicating it herewith:

On reading your 2 threads on this board, it would appear that you and your fiance are fundamentally incompatible and there will need to be a lot of give and take on both sides if you're to build a bridge that will span the cultural divide that exists between you.

Your Chinese heritage has made you far more driven to achieve material wealth and success at an early age than your Ukranian fiance and you resent him sending money to his family members while they are not, to your mind, in 'need' through ill-health or old age or some other affliction.

In this, it would seem that you are not aware of the poverty and lack of opportunity which exists in countries that were formerly members of the USSR, or of the fact that Ukraine is in crisis due to the slow speed of reform and continued decline in living standards and the annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation.

It's laudable that you're holding down 2 jobs in your desire to 'get ahead' by getting your mortgage paid off quickly but it's not only unreasonable of you to expect your fiance to follow suit, it also puts the quality of your already somewhat fraught relationship into question if you both work so many hours that you have little time for each other.

Your ambition is such that it's probable you will look to buy further properties when you've paid for your current home and this gives rise to an endless treadmill with little opportunity to stand still and savour each and every achievement instead of rushing to the next self-imposed challenge.

Imo gifting your fiance with an equal share in a property to which he has contributed considerably less than you and your dps was a grave error of judgrement and you're best advised to endeavour to buy him out for a sum that is not much more than what he's actually put in to date and either look to sell or take in a lodger, or lodgers, to make up the shortfall in the mortgage that will be caused by his absence.

My limited experience of Russian men has left me with the impression that inside their severely pragmatic exterior lies the tortured soul of a romantic poet and these divergent aspects of the Slavic personality occasionally reach an accomodation with each other by means of lots of navel gazing philosophising accompanied by copious amounts of vodka and some exuberant dancing. I love 'em... but I wouldn't want to live with one

You don't seem to actually like him very much! I wouldn't get married in this situation.

Do I think he is taking advantage of you? No I don't.
You change your post depending on people's reactions; should be get a second job to he got let go as not available full-time.
You have managed to get tones of racism, sexism and disabilism in just two threads. It's as though you have no concept of social boundaries.
You are both unsuited to each other, you need to be honest and let him go.

You don't seem to actually like him very much! I wouldn't get married in this situation.

This with bells on.

Agree with others - you don't seem to even like him. The answer is simple, just don't marry him.

What do you want op? You clearly don't seem to respect men very much, and certainly not the man that you are planning to marry. You are incompatible. If you feel like you don't have enough money, then maybe living in such an expensive area isn't such a good idea. How do you think you'd be coping, trying to live a life there without your partners wages, hm?

You two just do not work.

My husband earns £12k per year, making sure children have a safe, secure, clean learning environment. I'm proud of him: he works hard, gives it his all and puts 180 children's wellbeing at the top of his priority list.

This thread is completely depressing, tbh. That poor man. He's climbed out of poverty and made a career and it's still not good enough! I suspect that even if he did get another job, there would be a thread about how it wasn't high paying enough.

How many months do you have of living together before he gets fully de facto legal standing and qualities for a 50/ 50 split?

Compared to before they are much less liabilities than as housewives being kept like cats and house pets at home in the 50s

Wow, housewives are liabilities and pets and the OP uses the term 'real man'.

The OP also thinks women have evolved to huddle better and earn more, rather than that we were always capable and were suppressed.

God what a horrible relationship. You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

I feel knackered just reading your posts OP.

Look, you and this person are not compatible for long term. You can't change him, you are not your mother no matter how much you strive to be. Either accept him for what he is or split and find someone else.