Is it reasonable for asking fiance to have a second job?

[lijana]

My fiance has little savings due to coming from another country and making very little money there i.e. $100 per month. He has come to Australia and now works in IT support making $77K per year.
I make $97K per year and also work a second job teaching music on the weekend part time.
We have recently bought an apartment and have a mortgage which we would like to pay off.
I suggested that given he has little savings, that he should try finding a second job on the weekend to earn some extra money.
He is quite picky with what he wants to do, e.g. I said he could try doing sales however he does not like sales as he feels his personality isnt suited for it. (he is more of an introvert).
Is it reasonable for me to ask him to find a second job? I feel like a true man should be one who would do anything to look after their family and provide for their family.
I am working two jobs also, so I am no lazy person sitting on my back asking someone else to do the hard work.

Aha, that's the cultural split I was suspecting. That's a pretty huge hurdle to get over, OP. And it sounds like it's driving a wedge between you. Both of you have very strong cultural attitudes towards money, work, family, and they're at odds. Combine that with your parents' belief that 28 is 'on the shelf', and your fiance's ... very logical brain/Aspie tendencies, and it's not looking good, I'm afraid.

I realise of course that Sydney is expensive. Most of my friends are renters precisely for these reasons. But can you see that expecting someone who already earns decently to take a second job just so you can pay for a central Sydney apartment is a choice? You're not asking him to give up all of his leisure time because you two NEED that money, but because your approach to money/success/work is a particular one? Your mortgage payments are just over $3K - you're netting, what, $9K/month? Your desire for him to work more is not to make ends meet. It's because you believe that one should work all the hours possible to make as much money as possible. That's not his belief, and that is a huge hurdle in a relationship. I'm not saying either side is wrong, and I think some posters are being pretty rude. I am saying it's an incompatible way to live.

If you have that attitude about men/families/work etc then I'm surprised you have married him because from what you seem to day, he doesn't share them.

If that's what you want to do, and I understand it completely, then you should do it. But not with someone who thinks in another way. You need to compromise if you want to be in a relationship. I married someone from another culture and it does come up that we have different outlooks on major things like this.

I think HE should ltb to be fair!

He had no savings, but managed to put down a 40k deposit?? Seems like hes saved quite hard.

Will you ever see each other if you both work FT, and have second jobs?

tortoise post is spot on IMO. The cultural divide isn't working in your case because it's leading you both to have different priorities.
If those priorities differed for reasons that weren't cultural I'd still be saying you are incompatible TBH.

What's interesting OP is that you sound more 1st generation immigrant than 2nd generation. Are you extremely close to your parents?

If you are earning as you do now how doon do you think you may pay your mortgage and your debts to your parents?
He had savings when you were buting your new place.

Is the problem thst he is handing out his money to his family instead of saving?

Isn't this the mouse autopsy man for whom you have no respective as you feel he may have ASD?

I think he needs to LTB

You do sound incompatible.

It is not reasonable to insist somebody who has a full time job and no debt and is paying their way gets a second job just because you think it would be a good idea, no. It is reasonable for the two of you to sit down and talk through what your concerns are.

Perhaps, if you feel you pay more than your share, you should not split everything 50/50 - keep separate accounts and see a lawyer about whether you can get legal protection for your share of your property. However if you go down that route you should not marry one another - your attitudes to work and money are too different, and if you cannot talk through the issues until your reach a clear, mutually acceptable compromise you can stick to and both be happy with then you are vanishingly unlikely to have a long term happy marriage...

His wish to work one full time job that covers his share of outgoings is as valid as your wish to save for future possible scenarios or just because you value savings/ prosperity. Neither of you is more right than the other, but if you want to stay together you need to work just hard at finding your middle ground as you want to work to earn extra money!

You sound like a money grabber.

You don't sound reasonable. The two of you sound incompatible. Fair enough if you enjoy working your two jobs, but if you neither enjoy them nor, in reality, need the money, then you are utterly unreasonable to expect someone else to fit in with your cultural norms.

There are few other cultures in the world with the same driven need to earn and save in quite the same way as those from a Chinese heritage. I lived in SE Asia for many years and know this mind set well. It often stems from having lived through horrendous situations in previous generations, such as famine, hunger, massive political upheaval etc. These situations instil a huge fear of deprivation in the population and give rise to the belief that disaster is just around the corner. There will NEVER be sufficient money, as there is a belief that it could all be gone tomorrow. It is very difficult for someone from a different culture to understand this way of life. You would be better of finding someone with the same upbringing.

Ignoring everything else, if he works in IT then wouldn't he be better doing extra studying at the weekends? My DP wishes he had done that when we had no kids, as there are so many coding languages etc that he could have learned, but now there is no free time.

You absolutely do not sound reasonable.
Or compatible.

Also, let's do some maths here.
You say houses in Sydney are expensive at $1 million, and apartments start from $700k.
Your joint income is $174k.
So "a house" costs under 6x your joint annual income, and "an apartment" 4x.

Do you have any idea what houses cost in London? Or Oxford? Or Brighton?

This Guardian article says that even in the North-East - the cheapest area of England - the median house price was 6x the median income. In the South East (outside of London) is was 10x.

So either Sydney is not as expensive as you think, or you already have a good income. Either way, it does not suggest that your fiance needs to get a second job.

He also sees money importantly too, I wouldn't say he doesn't want money. In Ukraine they also suffered politically through communist and corruption and lost things due to political situations similar to China.
My concern is that the lack of money eg mortgage etc impacts on our life, eg we haven't eaten out for more than half a year, and we never go out as it costs money. Last time we went to eat out, we had fish and chips, the fish itself cost $17. My fiancé went on about how expensive the fish is and how we can make it at home and how he would like to compare the costs between buying and making dollar by dollar. To me our conversations after engagement has always been about how much things cost, how expensive things are etc. we can't afford to get married, live with my parents and don't seem to be living any sort of nice leisure life. My friends who are dating others with family support and ppl better paid don't seem to have those problems. They seem to be able to go to nice trips, go out to restaurants reasonable more and able to go shopping for fun. My fiancé doesn't understand the concept of shopping for fun, sometimes brochures to travel destinations list shopping as one of the things to do and he doesn't understand why that would be an attraction. Yet at the same time he wants the good quality things of goods/products. He is not satisfied with poor quality stuff, eg we wanted to buy a kitchen stand mixer, I saw a Breville one for $400 and others which cost less and said it is good to buy but he wants an even better quality one of Kitchenaid which costs $600 + . I thought if you are not that wealthy why would you want the best of everything but at the same time save on such little things. Eg he even suggested showering less per week to save money! Overall you wouldn't be able to save that much from showering less. My my opinion if you want things you need to go out and make money, that's the fastest way to get things you want. Saving may help but you can't save as much as you can make more.

Showering less to save money?

That's just ridiculous.

Still unreasonable to want him to get a second job though.

I think you should protect what you put into the house as you and dh seem to have different values.

It's clear that money is very very very important to you. You either need to find a way to moderate this or to find someone who has a similar drive to accumulate money.

Don't get married. It sound like you'll each make the other's life a misery.

we wanted to buy a kitchen stand mixer, I saw a Breville one for $400 and others which cost less and said it is good to buy but he wants an even better quality one of Kitchenaid which costs $600 +

You are both wrong, a Vitamix is expensive but the best thing I've ever bought

Better quality that lasts longer is a saving in the long run. However, you do sound like you have the worst of all worlds: a good income, but no agreement on how to spend it. He seems to want to stay at home and you seem to want to go out! I am with him on wondering why anyone would want to go on a shopping holiday, though. Other than that, you don't make him come across as particularly fun loving or enjoyable company. Why are you together?

So you're already trying to change him. From your threads, you're apparently not compatible in your general personality types and outlook on life.

Having had my DH's patents both die before he was 40, we know that what's important is people, not materialism.

If your needs and future expectations aren't being met by him, then his aren't by you either. Unless you can both come to consensus then your relationship is going to be fraught.

I worked two jobs when I met DH - one full time, one weekends/evenings.
I gave up the second job because I wanted to spend time with him far more than I needed the extra cash, although it meant cutting my cloth.

I appreciate that if money is tight people might not have the choice but thats not the case here. It rather sounds like you'd prefer to have the cash than be around him.

I'd think hard about whether you actually like this man, let alone want to commit to him for the rest of your life. On paper you don't sound happy or compatible.

So despite his difficult background he has managed to save $40k, and earns $77k pa?

I think he's doing phenomenally well and, since he's working full time, paying his way and saving, can't reasonably be expected to do more.

Life's for living, and nobody lies on their deathbed congratulating themselves on working two jobs, unless it was something they had to do to survive.

I think you should ltb and let him find someone who appreciates him, I'd be amazed if he wasn't already considering his options tbh.