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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it best to just ignore ow

98 replies

cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 17:37

I have posted before at the start of October I found out dh had been having an affair. I asked him to leave he did after lots of talking we decided to give the marriage ago we have been going to councilling and although I find it hard most days I do feel we are making progress.
Most days I drive past ow I try to avoid but some days it can not be helped anyway she always stares at the car I just ignore her. Today though she not only looked but got her friend to look and then shouted something at me. I got in the house and went mad with dh not sure why she thinks it's ok to be taking it out on me. So dh wants to phone her and have it out with her with her. I am not sure this is a good idea I don't want to give her any reasons to be back in our lives. I just don't know what to do for the best I am in floods of tears over it all again.

OP posts:

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 07/01/2016 15:36

She is 26 dh is 34.
Dh has blocked her number but I know it so he wanted me to ring it and him speak to her.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/01/2016 16:02

But OP, he shouldn't even have her number...blocked or not. Why do you know it? In my opinion you need to remove every trace of this woman from your life and take a break from social media. If she's determined, she'll knock on the door and then you would have cause to make a complaint to the police.

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2016 16:13

If a guy shags you then dumps you, the police will get involved if you knock on his door?

Why would they do that?

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 07/01/2016 16:41

No he does not have the number I saw her number in his phone a few times and it just stuck in my mind. I am expecting her to knock on the door at some point when he told her it was over she did threaten to come down. However dh has never told her where we live it's not hard to find us though small estate.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 07/01/2016 16:52

She would have been at your door by now OP, it does make me wonder what crap your OH has fed her for her to be reacting like this - I mean, she's a woman scorned for a reason.

Shame you are suffering from your OH being a shit and shitting on his own doorstep.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/01/2016 17:59

MorrisZapp, I know from bitter experience if somebody doesn't want you to write to them, text them, go to their home, you can be arrested for harassment. It happened to me. A text message to my ex-h that was "unwelcome" according to him meant that I was arrested in front of my children on a Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day at the station, several hours in a cell. Exonerated eventually, it was a deeply distressing experience.

scarlets · 07/01/2016 18:32

You sound great and she sounds unhinged. Ignore her.

Bear in mind that your OH probably offered her lots of things he failed to deliver, though. He may have told her, convincingly, that you were living togethrr but operating as separate entities. When you split up, she may have been led to believe that an above-board relationship with him was finally possible. She may be a mug, she may be amoral, she may be slutty, but she's definitely hurt and that's 50% your OH's fault.

It's all quite recent too. She will probably calm down as time passes, especiallyif she finds a new bloke.

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2016 20:17

That sounds horrific MrsC. I have no idea why you've advised the OP to do it though.

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2016 20:20

Scarlets, if she was fully convinced the op was living separate lives with her dh, then how is the OW slutty or amoral? That just sounds like rank misogyny to my ears.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/01/2016 21:09

Morris, I didn't advise her to do it, that was not my intention at all...merely pointing out that seeking assistance from the police is an option if she starts to make a complete nuisance of herself. Which it is. Hopefully it won't come to that and the best thing OP could do at the moment (as I said upthread) is completely ignore OW and not give her the attention she clearly craves. However, if it were me, and she was making my life a misery, yes I would seek assistance.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 07/01/2016 21:15

Ok have sat and had a chat with dh and he said not once did he say anything bad about me to her and he never mentioned ever leaving me and that she never asked anything about me. He did say that she use to say that she wished he could stay with her and he would say well I that can never happen to which she would reply well I am happy with whatever time you give me. He has maintained all the way through since I found out that he had never even considered leaving me and that when I found out and threw him out that she asked him to go and stay with her and he told her no because he loved me and wanted to put things right. She new we were married he told her and that we had just come back of holiday together and had already booked for this year because she told dh that she wanted to go away so that should of told her that her was not leaving me and yet she happily went along with it. Yes he is a twat and fully to blame but she knew what she was doing.

Dh affair came has a complete shock to me I had no idea looking back now I can see little red flags especially in the week before I found out, he was shouting at the kids more and picking silly arguments with me this is the week he slept with her. Ever since I found out dh has repeatedly said I did nothing wrong and that he was happy with the marriage this is all his fault and all on him. During counselling I have realised that we had stopped paying attention to each other and that yes we were happy but just plodding. He said ow showed him some attention and it boosted his ego. He has said he will never forgive himself and will spend the rest of his life making it upto me.

MrsC that's awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 07/01/2016 21:22

I am keeping a log of everything she has done and also the fb message her friend sent. I have told dh if she countinues to do this I will ring the police even if just like pp Said it's just to pay her a visit. I do remember her saying to dh on the phone this is not over and I will wait and you will pay for using me he told her fine do whatever you want to me but leave cherry out of this.

OP posts:

AlanPacino · 07/01/2016 21:29

he had never even considered leaving me

But only an idiot would not realise there was a v good chance you would leave him. It still sounds like you have placed more blame on her in order to patch up your marriage which probably isn't unusual but rarely goes the distance. I'm not surprised you went home and went mad at him. He's the one who brought this between the two of you. She made no promises to you.

AlanPacino · 07/01/2016 21:34

leave cherry out of this*

your husband is the one who brought you into all this. He is not being all protective by saying that. If he was the type to want to spare your feelings he wouldn't have been seeing someone else, especially someone you would have to see. I just feel like you're seeing him as this sensible protector when he instigated this because he was the one who was supposed to be respecting and valuing your heart. I bet this suits him because he gets to feel all morally superior and indignant in some very weird and twisted way and I don't want you to 'buy' his act.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 07/01/2016 21:37

Oh no he is an idiot I do blame him at one point I did feel sorry for her she was played however she knew he was married watched me drive past her with his dc in the car knowing what they were both doing.

OP posts:

AlanPacino · 07/01/2016 21:41

But she wasn't married to you, he is. You should be 1000 times angrier with him than her.

Thisismyfirsttime · 07/01/2016 21:50

You sat and chatted with him and he told you all this about never bad mouthing you. How angry would you be with him if he'd said that he told her he was only with you for the kids, you were a horrible crazed wife who cheated on him, you lived separate lives but stayed for the children etc? Why would he tell you that? He cheated on you and I would err on the side of not believing a word he says on the subject because he's trying to placate you right now and not piss you off.

Buttercup443 · 07/01/2016 22:31

Have to agree with ThisismyFirstTime.

Cherry, do not believe a word he says. He will have told her a load of rubbish about you, that's why she's got the swagger to stare you down and rope in her friends.

Do not fall for this. Ignore and stay on the moral high ground. You are a decent human being and your husband had made a mistake now he needs to repent and be honest to move forward. He'll spare your ego hence the lies. Affair partners tell a lot of crap to their other halves so please don't be fooled. He won't tell you, no matter how much you ask him, he's trying to save his hide.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 08/01/2016 01:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cherrypiew4 · 08/01/2016 09:22

yougotta why do you think that conservation never happened any advise on what to say to him and reasons why I would welcome because I am way out of my depth with this.

OP posts:

TheBigRedBoat · 08/01/2016 10:08

Cherry I would be wary of believing anything he says.
Do you HONESTLY believe he said to her - I really love my wife, she's great but in just a bit bored. You're just an shag and nothing else.
If he had said that, why did he secretly need to go and see her for closure?
I think it's much more likely that 'you jus live together like house mates, you make him miserable but you'd take his house and kids if he left you, and he has to finish it for a while cos his crazy wife found out and has threaten to do the above...'

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 08/01/2016 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 · 08/01/2016 10:45

Oh please, they ALL say that Cherry, it's called lying to cover their own backs - do you really think he told her that, I don't and going by her reaction to the end of the affair he's clearly promised her a lot more than a sneaky shag.

And erm, yes he is entirely to blame, it's fuck all to do with you or the state of your relationship - all relationships become stale at times, we don't all go out and shag someone to make ourselves feel better - he clearly doesn't have a boundary when it comes to fidelity, you need to watch that now, he's proved to you he cannot be trusted, you will have to live with that if you want to continue with him, don't kid yourself it's all going to be rosy again.

And, he did it with a woman that you have to face on a regular basis - nice, nothing like shitting on your own doorstep eh.

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