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Original poster

Is it best to just ignore ow

98 replies

cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 17:37

I have posted before at the start of October I found out dh had been having an affair. I asked him to leave he did after lots of talking we decided to give the marriage ago we have been going to councilling and although I find it hard most days I do feel we are making progress.
Most days I drive past ow I try to avoid but some days it can not be helped anyway she always stares at the car I just ignore her. Today though she not only looked but got her friend to look and then shouted something at me. I got in the house and went mad with dh not sure why she thinks it's ok to be taking it out on me. So dh wants to phone her and have it out with her with her. I am not sure this is a good idea I don't want to give her any reasons to be back in our lives. I just don't know what to do for the best I am in floods of tears over it all again.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 05/01/2016 21:02

He wants to know why she's behaving like that to you

???!!!

That's fucking rich.

Because he fucked her, and that's the fall out of fucking two women around. What an arsehole.

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 21:05

Wannabe no she stops walking to look at me and when I have gone past I check mirror and most of the time she gas turned around to face the way she just came from. Tonight she nudged her friend then nodded at the car shouting wankers. So no don't think I am imagining it wish I was.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 05/01/2016 21:08

What do you know about her though op? What did your dh tell her in order to convince her to sleep with him. Did she even know about you?

wannaBe · 05/01/2016 21:12

Look at it like this. I'm guessing that given you drive past her every morning now you probably drove past her every morning before you found out she was the ow? So imagine from her point of view having a relationship with someone, maybe she knew she was an ow, maybe she didn't. But I'd imagine she probably didn't know who the wife was, so imagine her seeing this car every morning and suddenly realising that it's the car of the man she was sleeping with, with the woman in it who she had heard all manner of things about.

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 21:15

Yes she knew he was married and the affair had only been going on for 4 weeks. She is younger and a single mother I have spoken to her once and she did tell me that she instigated it all. Does not excuse him he has been a twat to me and done something I never thought he would and I never thought I would forgive something like this.

OP posts:
justnippingin · 05/01/2016 21:18

^^ I agree with Cabrinha. Sorry but you're getting the fall out. Dick!

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 21:20

He has said that she knew from the start who I was in the car but that she never asked about me or the dc and he never told her anything.

OP posts:
justnippingin · 05/01/2016 21:24

She's pissed off. He's fucked you both over. You're forgiving him, she's not.

justnippingin · 05/01/2016 21:25

Sorry, I meant to say, it's the only was she can perhaps vent her anger. Sorry for you.

Offred · 05/01/2016 21:26

In the original thread you posted in November you said you found out that six days after you discovered the affair (by accident) he secretly went to visit her in person and when you questioned him he broke down and said he had wanted to make things right because he had 'ruined her life'.

A four week affair ending when they were not planning a future together and only had sex twice does not ruin someone's life.

Since you discovered the affair you have been through the past of the relationship and said he didn't seem different, so he is a skilled liar.

Since you discovered the affair he has been very tearful but as a way of refusing to discuss things and he has had an opportunity to plan how things proceed with the OW when he went to meet her secretly.

There is a huge chance that meeting was him telling her "she's found out and gone insane, she read a text, i can't leave because she is threatening to take the children/whatever. I want to be with you but we need to give it some time to cool off so please don't text anymore and if she calls you be very careful to back up my story which is x"

This would supplement "I am married but we are just together for the children. I'm afraid to leave her" that he could have said during the affair/at the start of it...

Offred · 05/01/2016 21:27

And yeah, that is all total speculation, BUT, I would not trust this guy at ALL. And although it can happen that ppl are just crazy I think most of the time when an OW/OM appears to be behaving crazily it is actually because they have fallen for some bullshit the cheater has told them.

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 21:29

I get that she is pissed off with him and I have told him I don't care if she shouts and throws stuff at the car when he's in it. Just don't understand the issue with me I would be so ashamed of myself if I had done this that I would have my head down looking away from the car.

OP posts:
Offred · 05/01/2016 21:33

She's doing it because she feels it is justified behaviour. That's either because she is a complete nutcase or because he has told her something about you that would cause her to think this behaviour is justified. Which do you think it is?

justnippingin · 05/01/2016 21:39

You only have his version of events which, given his immoral and disloyal behaviour towards you, hold no substance what so ever.

I wonder what he's spun her?

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 21:45

Offred he did go back round and I did ask him to leave again. A week or so later she text me I had a massive go at her and she did say that dh had infact gone round and ended it with her and if she ever saw him again she would spit in his face. To my knowledge this is the last time any of us have had any contact with her. I have given dh the opportunity to leave and he always says that's not what he wants that he made a terrible mistake. I have asked him over and over again if he told her he was leaving me he always says no.
I have recently been into hospital to have a tumour removed had the results the other day to say that it is benign and everything is all clear. Once I was feeling better I told him he could go that I did not need him to stay out of duty to me this thought had crossed my mind but again he said he had no intention of leaving and never had.

OP posts:
Offred · 05/01/2016 21:47

But what do you want?

Taking aside the practical considerations...

Do you love him? Trust him? Want to be with him?

Offred · 05/01/2016 21:48

I remember you did want him to leave at one point and he refused. This is not necessarily a sign of his love and commitment, it could be but it may not be. Could be reluctance to lose the status of marriage etc

Offred · 05/01/2016 21:50

You seem to have been cowed into a position of "the future hangs on his choices".

And it is still very early days.

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 22:20

Yes he has left twice since I found out the second time he begged me to take him back. He seemed genuinely broken and disgusted in his own behaviour.

I love him but don't trust him I want it to work but then I feel like a complete idiot for taking him back when he has done this.

OP posts:
Offred · 05/01/2016 22:27

It's him that is the idiot for cheating.

You are just doing your best to deal with the effects.

Are you still going to counselling?

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 22:44

Yes we still go to counselling once a week I do think it helps. However she did say that she would of not been happy to see us if dh had not been back to ow to end it cause he needed closureHmm things like that do make me wonder what we are paying for she gave dh the perfect excuse for why he had been back.

OP posts:
Offred · 05/01/2016 22:48

That is somewhat unusual yes... Hmm

It's not that kind of bullshit 'keep the marriage together' counselling that teaches the key is to get the woman to fall in line and accept the man as the head of the household?

Is there a link between the attitude of the counsellor and your slide into giving him control over the future of the relationship?

Has the therapist dealt equally with closure for you?

Original poster
cherrypiew4 · 05/01/2016 23:04

No she did ask me at the start if I was there to work at the marriage or if I needed help to leave.
No I don't feel like I have any sort of closure.

OP posts:
Offred · 05/01/2016 23:10

Surely the counselling could be partly to help you decide?! Confused

bjrce · 05/01/2016 23:11

I am sorry to say this op. But if he contacts ow to " have a good at her!" its only because he wants to contact her.

She in the other band will be delighted to
A. Have annoyed you.
B. For the drama.

Tell him under no circumstances is he to make any contact with her.
You need to just really ignore this " nutter"
Going forward. She sounds like a piece of work.
I would be absolutely furious with your h for bringing this shit on your door. It's all his fault.
I am sorry op but you oh is an asshole!