My partner demonstrates no warmth towards my children

[Wileycoyote]

We have lived together for nearly two years in my house. My partner has two children of his own who are the same ages as mine are. My children are 8 and 10 and the little one has ASD and is quite hard work, although he is affectionate and sweet too.

My partner was/is pretty involved with his children, picking them up and taking them to school a few times a week and having access in their home all day on a Saturday. However, their mother has just moved them several hindered miles away so this can no longer happen.

We are planning to move to a bigger house so his kids can come here and stay at weekends and holidays and have their own rooms. This will mean selling my place, putting the equity down as a deposit and going halves on the rest of the mortgage.

This Christmas my partner was here with me, although he made it quite clear he was missing his children and felt Christmas was a bit pointless. He did say he enjoyed the day though and he visited his kids s few days after Xmas and stayed in a nearby hotel for the night. I do understand this is hard for him.

However, I still feel essentially like a single parent. My children's dad has them on a Saturday night but is otherwise not that involved - the bulk of the extra care comes form my mum who lives nearby, particularly with my ASD son. My Partner will watch the kids whilst I should out for an hour but that is about it - he says they have a dad.

It is a source of disappointment to me - he is not interested in being part of the family and yesterday said he may even opt out of next Christmas altogether if he doesn't have his kids here. I have been surprised by how angry that makes me feel and am not sure what to do with those feelings. He is effectively my boyfriend and not a stepdad to
My kids. Can I and should I accept this? We get on brilliantly and have fun but it makes me feel angry that it seems he feels under no obligation to help or be involved with my children. What to do?

It is hard to ask my youngest child as he has ASD and therefore communication problems but when I do ask him whether he likes my boyfriend/partner he says yes, and he said the same tonight when I asked if he felt liked. My elder son is more sophisticated and is probably wary of causing any problems - he is thoughtful, sensitive and bright. He isn't so sure my partner likes him - I asked him tonight - because do is very affectionate towards me and not so much towards him. When I asked him what he would like he wasn't sure. He also felt on balance that things were better with do around though because I was happier and more settled now and had more time for him (my son).

His kids haven't come to mine because their mum (his ex) hasn't wanted them to. He has respected this and gone to see them at her place in the two years we have been together but now they have moved it will need to be different. They only moved away three weeks ago. My kids do know his - we have been out to do things sometimes and also been on holiday together this year although ds2 with ASD stayed at home with my mum.

Sorry crossed post.

This sounds awful.

Sorry you are thinking of going from owning a house with the father of your DC (who you were married to), to live with someone who doesn't even seem to like them that much? At present the courts will enforce their father treating you fairly.
However in the new house you will have fewer rights, and I'm not sure how much the courts will take your children into account.
You also want to move near your son's School? Is this a specialist ASD one? If so are the LA paying towards it? If not, is there any chance that they may try to "manage him out" in the future? Even if the head changes?

Finally do not ask your children questions about how much they like your partner or whether you should be with him. That is something they should not be involved with, it's not a decision for them, they may well not answer fully, and if you do break up they may well blame themselves, including blaming themselves for any hurt you show. Children should not be burdened with adult decisions.

I was asking because I remember the other thread not because I was accusing you of anything op. Do what is best for your dc and you. You know deep down what that is. At the end of the day, it's not the posters on mn that will be affected. It's a tough decision but I would follow my head before my heart in your circumstances

You also have to take into account that your partners children may eventually want to stay at their dads new house, and your partner may want his dcs to have their own rooms.

I think that things could get harder, rather than easier, now your DP's children have moved further away, as he may see them less frequently. And may therefore start to resent yours for being there all the time. He may not, of course. But it's a risk.

Also, as your boys get older, there may be other issues that come into play - I'm only saying this because I've seen it first hand with a good friend's second DH recently - her older 2 boys by her 1st DH were tolerated pretty well until they started puberty, got taller and basically started challenging her DH2's "alpha male" status , at least in his eyes. This resulted in some extremely unpleasant scenes, and both older boys leaving home before they would have done under other circumstances (their own father was barely in the picture but their DGM from that side took them in). Different situation though, as friend has 2 DC with her DH2 as well; but still something that has the potential to present a problem with your DP if he has no "family feeling" towards your children.

However, if he treats them well, is friendly at least to them, and would look out for them to make sure nothing bad happens to them, then it might work - but I'd be weighing it up VERY carefully before I took a financially-binding risk with this man that could adversely affect my children.

OP do you want your DP to be an equal parent to your DCs?
You've mentioned feeling like a 'single parent', said that you want to share the cost of Christmas and would like someone who would be willing to be regularly responsible for the DCs while you're working, or to give you a break.

That's a big ask of any stepparent - your DP is quite right, your DCs have a dad. Your DPs role is a bonus one.
If you're looking for a man to step-up and be a daddy to your DCs on a day to day basis, then you probably need to cut your losses and start again. Your DP has made it clear from the start that's not what he signed up for.

I think he's be very honest, he has no desire to be a step dad. He simply wants a girlfriend.

It's very unfair to be contemplating a house move that sees you having a bigger house, cut free from your ex, fewer hours work and private school whilst he gets the odd few days with his own children. The children lose out by being tolerated, having to move schools and being treated differently as one gets sent private.

Too big a difference and one sided.

Op you will always get an honest and slightly biased view here
As so many of come from or are in abusive relationships !
You seem eminently sensible and wise from your responses so it looks like you have thinking to do

Will the economic benefits (less rent , private school) offset the emotional pains ? And if it really messes up can you easily disentangle ?

When in doubt - do nowt ! Time to think X

Don't ask your DC's whether they like him??? How is that an adult decision? It's not. It's asking them their thoughts and feelings, something that is an integral part of being a family. Communication.

I didn't at any point say (nor have I seen anyone else advise) that the OP should ask her DC's whether she should stay with him. But it is very telling that the eldest has said he isn't sure that the OP's partner likes him?? After two years of li

Oops pressed post too soon. To finish.

After 2 years of living together, that is telling.
I'd just rethink things OP and slow it down a little.

Are you under any pressure to move from where you are?

Well in a "normal" family you don't ask your children if they like Daddy or their big brother or even Aunty Mary or Uncle Sam. It comes out spontaneously, and is obvious from their actions.
If you do need to ask, there are much subtler ways of doing it. Talk about buying presents, talk about why someone did what they did (will often show if someone thinks somebody else doesn't like them). Talk about whether they want to spend time with them.

But actually a bit of observation (or asking another adult to observe and report back). My family has a good friend who can tell my DH where he sometimes goes wrong in interactions with his children, that would sound like nagging if I said it (and the friend doesn't have to be perfect - it is easier to see other people's mistakes).

"When I asked him what he would like he wasn't sure. He also felt on balance that things were better with do around though because I was happier and more settled now and had more time for him (my son)." This is the bit that worried me.

I'm at him "respecting her wishes" for TWO YEARS of not making a home for his own kids. That's just not a family man. Which is fine if you're happy with that you're getting.

Personally, I'd have no interested in a part time dad*, and I certainly wouldn't predict he'd ever been properly interested in my children if he wasn't interested in his own enough to herb them overnight / for full weekends.

*part time: I'm divorced, don't have my child every night. By part time I don't mean that - I see her father and I as full time parents. Part time hours, full time involvement. In the same way a WOHP or a parent working away, or in the Forces is still a full time parent. I think choosing to do school runs only and a single day with no overnight a week is part time involvement

I think your elder son may be telling you that he doesn't think your DP likes him a great deal, and is saying on balance things are better when he's around because he sees your DP makes you happy. So he is not necessarily saying what he feels personally.

I think you have to consider if your elder DS has the emotionally maturity of a near adult (I'm not sure how old he is) to make fairly adult decisions for the good of others, rather than himself. Or not as the case may be.

I would also keep asking both sons about your DP but in less direct ways and in a variety of contexts, to enable them to reveal their feelings. I don't think direct questions get the most revealing answers in this scenario. Then once you know how they feel you can make a decision that seems best for you all.

I would also say there is no way I would buy a house together at the monent (if at all). Your DP's children's move is very recent. You need to see how things settle down with that and how it affects your DP and everything else before you enter into such a commitment together.

As others have said, it's good that you are trying to figure out how your kids feel about your DP, that is very important. But asking them directly about the change in circumstances is not such a good idea... It could feel like a lot of burden on them that they are responsible for the outcome, and they might feel like it's a toss up between them being happy or you being happy. Could you hold off on any changes for now, and tell them so, and spend a bit more time assessing their relationship with DP? Observing interactions, behaviours and facial expressions of your kids and DP when they are together? And maybe talk more with DP about what the future might be like, expectations of parenting when his kids are staying, what if they'd ever wanted to move in with him. That might help you decide if it's worth going ahead.