My partner demonstrates no warmth towards my children

[Wileycoyote]

We have lived together for nearly two years in my house. My partner has two children of his own who are the same ages as mine are. My children are 8 and 10 and the little one has ASD and is quite hard work, although he is affectionate and sweet too.

My partner was/is pretty involved with his children, picking them up and taking them to school a few times a week and having access in their home all day on a Saturday. However, their mother has just moved them several hindered miles away so this can no longer happen.

We are planning to move to a bigger house so his kids can come here and stay at weekends and holidays and have their own rooms. This will mean selling my place, putting the equity down as a deposit and going halves on the rest of the mortgage.

This Christmas my partner was here with me, although he made it quite clear he was missing his children and felt Christmas was a bit pointless. He did say he enjoyed the day though and he visited his kids s few days after Xmas and stayed in a nearby hotel for the night. I do understand this is hard for him.

However, I still feel essentially like a single parent. My children's dad has them on a Saturday night but is otherwise not that involved - the bulk of the extra care comes form my mum who lives nearby, particularly with my ASD son. My Partner will watch the kids whilst I should out for an hour but that is about it - he says they have a dad.

It is a source of disappointment to me - he is not interested in being part of the family and yesterday said he may even opt out of next Christmas altogether if he doesn't have his kids here. I have been surprised by how angry that makes me feel and am not sure what to do with those feelings. He is effectively my boyfriend and not a stepdad to
My kids. Can I and should I accept this? We get on brilliantly and have fun but it makes me feel angry that it seems he feels under no obligation to help or be involved with my children. What to do?

AF nails it again.

I'm not sure why I feel sooo cross about this. I ought to just scroll on by but I keep coming back. Good to read the 'not sure how I would feel if I had lost my children, would celebrating with someone else's children feel like rubbing my nose in it' view. I really don't buy this, though, as reasonable adult behaviour.

If he joined in but then in a quiet moment admitted that he was finding it quite difficult and was missing his own DC, I would understand how tough it was for him. Trying to spoil someone else's experience because your's has been spoilt does not make it better for anyone. I would be wary of anyone who tried this tactic, especially if they could predict they would still feel like this in a year, Major red flag.

If you can get him to see what he is doing and then change his behaviour, you would be doing him a big favour. If he is not open to it, would you really tie yourself to him? Hope you don't decide to go into it blindfold, hoping that it will work out. I really wish you, and those you live, all the very best.

I'm always shocked at how some mothers will put their love of a man above their love for their children (harsh but true OP). This man has all these other "great" qualities, but the most important quality for a mother hoping to share a home with another human should be that "he is warm and caring to me and my children and loves my children as his own".

I wouldn't even consider a relationship with this guy let alone buy a house with him. Good Luck OP

The way that my dp seemed to genuinely like my ds when they first met, spoke volumes to me, and their relationship is great, even 10 years later, my dp loves him like one of his own, and there is no real difference between the way he treats my ds, to how he treats our own children we have together. Its not an impossibility to find someone that knows how to love someone elses child, and if you cant find that, then you need to not move them in

I'm going to go against the grain here. My mums partner moved in (in my memory) not that long after she moved out from my dads house (apparently it was longer but I think it was weeks). I was 10 at the time and, I NEVER wanted him to be my step dad as a child and I never referred to him as one. He is still "mums partner", I have a dad and quite frankly I resented him having any rights to tell me what to do when to me when I had 2 parents already. He left all the parenting to my mum and I respected him for that. Had he tried to be an additional parent it would not have worked in the slightest.

I know he really cares about me and I do him but we don't show it and we don't need to as we know it to be true.

What do your DC's think?

How has he lived with you for two years and remained semi detached from your children? It's hard to tell from your posts if he has any affection for them at all, watching them for an hour if you are out makes it sound very cold.

Reading this has made me realise that I was in a similar situation as a child, but my DM always made it clear that she would never let any man have authority over us, so my (eventual) stepdad was more like a genial uncle who lived with us.

Your situation doesn't sound like this however, the affection appears to be lacking. I wouldn't be keen to tie myself financially to him in your position, he could change when his name is on the mortgage, and not for the better.

It's OK for him not to love them like his own. But:

he is not interested in being part of the family and yesterday said he may even opt out of next Christmas altogether if he doesn't have his kids here

This speaks volumes. Maybe he has some emotional pain/baggage re his own kids. Fair do's. If it affects your family then it's not great.

Houses are just bricks and mortar. A tiny house or a flat with a lovely, relaxed atmosphere and feeling of emotional security vs a gorgeous house where you feel somehow uneasy about your dp...

Sounds like you are searching for a clean break financially from your ex. But if you jump into a mortgage with your dp haven't you just exchanged one uninvested man for another?????????

Personally it would be a complete deal breaker for me if the man I was about to move in with didn't join in with family life in the way you describe. I am about to move in with my DP, and very early on in our relationship - even before he met my DCs - I told him that part of being with me was accepting and being involved with my children, if we progressed that far. I considered that if that scared him off, then so be it, as that's just how it is.

So my advice would be not to move in with him. If you must keep him, keep him as a weekend date boyfriend, not as one your kids are involved with.

He wants you for the deposit on a larger property, and any other services you provide.
Have him move out for a while, see if you miss him.

Not clear on how having him there enables you to work more hours and takes the pressure off your mum if he's now saying he is only prepared to be in charge of them for an hour or so. I would be concerned about him deciding to go back on any previous arrangements about childcare and leaving you in a difficult position.

Madblondedog I identify with your post, although my DM was widowed and I had four brothers. My DM's partner had no authority over us at all, but there was affection on all sides which doesn't appear to be the case in OP's case. Opting out of Christmas for instance, really?

I can't beleive you would spend 2 years with someone who shows no warmth for your children, and are only discussing it now because there is a financial reason to do so.
Sounds like some very messed up priorities to me. You realised your children will know that he doesn't care very much for them? And that you're ok with that?

In your circumstance I would rather have a small flat/house that was just mine and my children's. Our sanctuary where they would be loved and happy. Nobody to compromise my children's lives for.

So he lives with you as a family yet 'he is not interested in being part of the family.'

That's disgusting tbh. Your poor children. His feelings on this must permeate everything.

And he's going to opt out of Christmas? It's fair enough being upset that his own dc aren't around but he should be throwing himself into having a good time with you and your two, however hard he finds it.

I wouldn't want to give him responsibility for my children, any man to be honest so this would be perfect for me. That said I certainly wouldn't be buying a house and trying to make a life with him. That's a whole different thing and he's showing that he doesn't want what you want, that is a blended family.

I do think there's a big potential here that you're being used as a deposit for a house.

You say he is pretty involved with his kids but I just re-read your OP - some school runs and all day Saturday in their mother's home. It's not uninvolved. But - where are the overnights?

Why hasn't he, in at least 2 years, created a proper second home for his children? 2 years ago he had a 6yo who he never tucked up in bed at night?

Why haven't they been staying with you?

Why does he only want space to have them weekends and holidays now he can't see them at their mum's?

His involvement with his own kids is starting to look a bit piss poor - why would you expect better of him toward yours?

I've been with my boyfriend a year and a bit and he has stated he loves my DD but I have been with a man previously who wanted nothing to do with her and it was absolutely awful I can't imagine ever living that way again. I know I would certainly care and show warmth to any children I was living with.

I would seriously discuss this with him and let him know it's not fair on the kids to feel that rejected no matter how much he misses his own children

We are planning to move to a bigger house so his kids can come here and stay at weekends and holidays and have their own rooms. This will mean selling my place, putting the equity down as a deposit and going halves on the rest of the mortgage

noooooo! don't invest any equity into building a life with someone that makes it clear he does not, and cannot love your DC

fairly unanimous here!

When you say no warmth, what exactly is it you mean? can you define what is missing? Does he help with cooking, ever clean up, drive them anywhere, watch tv with them, read a book with them? Play a game or show any concern if they cry?

I can sort of understand his reluctance to become really involved, he is perhaps resentful because he feels he has lost his children, maybe fears getting close and the possibility of being excluded at some point in the future from this new family. Maybe you cope so well, are well organised and give the impression of competence to the extent he is afraid to make decisions, or show any assertiveness. Could be lots of reason.

I'm also puzzles as to how you don't know how your children feel about him. I would have been watching and listening very closely. You should ask. But make certain they feel free to say what they really feel.

OP, are you ok ?

All this straight talking must be a bit difficult to hear

I'm going massively against the grain here, but I think it would be normal to not feel love for someone else's children, even after 2 years. Maybe I'm judging by my own experiences. My parents split when I was 2. My Dad has had 3 wives since then, none of whom loved me and my brother. My Mum has had the same partner all along, but he doesn't live with her. He is fond of me but doesn't love me, and I don't love him.

I find this assumption that a partner who loves you will automatically have huge affection for your kids slightly bizarre. If they did, then I would be a bit suspicious of their motives. Perhaps that's why I'll always be a single parent!

OP I would be wary of setting up a shared home at this stage, but equally I wouldn't blame your partner for the way he feels. It would take me longer than 2 years (presumably it's actually less than that, as you wouldn't have introduced him straight away) to develop a genuine affection for someone else's children. And if someone took my kids hundreds of miles away at Christmas, and wanted me to play happy families with someone else's, I would feel miserable.

jollyphonics I agree entirely that it is unrealistic to expect a person to 'love' someone else's children. I think that's a tall order. But op said he doesn't 'show warmth', he doesn't want to get involved, has no interest in family life with them and wants to opt out of Christmas to the extent that she feels like a single parent. That is quite different.

And they already live together! I can't imagine what daily life must be like if he feels and acts like that.

It seems that some pp's thought try had read a similar thread already an I'm wondering if it might have been mine over on step-parenting.

I'm in a similar situation in that I gave been with my DP for a while and we are thinking of buying together in a year or so. Where our situations are different however, is that I am struggling to warm to his DS and have been detaching myself in order to cope. There's more to it than that obviously, the main difference being that dp has no where else to go so has most of his contact at my (far too small for us all) house and our dc bicker and fight which I find incredibly stressful.

I'm not sure what to suggest op although it's been helpful for me to see the 'other' side. I try my best but I think DP probably has picked up on my reluctance to spend time with hus dS. My DP is very good with my dc by contrast. I'm not particularly good with children as a general rule and sometimes it feels very forced when hes got his dc at mine on my child free time and when we're (me and dc) are making big sacrifices to have them here.

I don't know if it would help, but gave a read around on the step parenting board as it might give you some insight into what your DP is thinking and feeling. Feel a bit of a fraud giving any advice as I'm in a similar predicament and don't know what to do for the best either!