My partner demonstrates no warmth towards my children

[Wileycoyote]

We have lived together for nearly two years in my house. My partner has two children of his own who are the same ages as mine are. My children are 8 and 10 and the little one has ASD and is quite hard work, although he is affectionate and sweet too.

My partner was/is pretty involved with his children, picking them up and taking them to school a few times a week and having access in their home all day on a Saturday. However, their mother has just moved them several hindered miles away so this can no longer happen.

We are planning to move to a bigger house so his kids can come here and stay at weekends and holidays and have their own rooms. This will mean selling my place, putting the equity down as a deposit and going halves on the rest of the mortgage.

This Christmas my partner was here with me, although he made it quite clear he was missing his children and felt Christmas was a bit pointless. He did say he enjoyed the day though and he visited his kids s few days after Xmas and stayed in a nearby hotel for the night. I do understand this is hard for him.

However, I still feel essentially like a single parent. My children's dad has them on a Saturday night but is otherwise not that involved - the bulk of the extra care comes form my mum who lives nearby, particularly with my ASD son. My Partner will watch the kids whilst I should out for an hour but that is about it - he says they have a dad.

It is a source of disappointment to me - he is not interested in being part of the family and yesterday said he may even opt out of next Christmas altogether if he doesn't have his kids here. I have been surprised by how angry that makes me feel and am not sure what to do with those feelings. He is effectively my boyfriend and not a stepdad to
My kids. Can I and should I accept this? We get on brilliantly and have fun but it makes me feel angry that it seems he feels under no obligation to help or be involved with my children. What to do?

Hi everyone, thanks for all of your well considered replies. TheBestChocolateIsFree (hope name is right as I can't scroll back) you have described exactly what he has said when we discussed Chistmas.

He found it really hard without his kids. He did want to stop them moving away but it was a great job opportunity for his ex so he felt he needed to let her go.

Just to be clear, he did get my kids nice presents and we had a nice Christmas Day etc. He is not cold and or not nice to them. I think he feels much as Madblondedog and some others have described too - willing to be a friend to my kids but not a step dad. He feels the same way about my relationship with his kids.

I'm not sure what my kids want or need from him, I haven't asked them.

I started off feeling OK about the way he relates to my kids but it hasn't developed and the possible 'opt out' next Christmas ( admittedly my words not his) of wanting to go away and escape the commercialism despite the fact he knows I would struggle to do that with my kids and affordability just made me think he is more of a him than an us.

Thanks PaperDollChain, just saw your post. Yeah, I think truth be told neither of us are that naturally child friendly, especially as I come from a disfunctional family and was a rather serious only child (!) and the ASD was something I didn't bargain for - but I love mine and do the best I possibly can and make an effort with his when I do see them, which isn't that frequent.

I am taking on board what all of you are saying, thank-you. None of you are saying anything that I haven't wondered about at times myself. I need to re-read and have a good think about what to do. I will tackle it, it's just knowing what I actually want.

Just one more think to answer a question - the part time working and the private school for my son would be facilitated as overall my housing costs would come down by sharing the costs of a new house.

Financial motivation is the very worst reason to buy a property with someone, particularly when children are involved.

Like I said, I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with having a 'boyfriend' type of relationship with a man if you have children but if you're looking for a stepfather, this man isn't it. He's made it perfectly clear that isn't what he wants to be.

I personally don't think I could live with someone who treated my children like he was no more than a lodger. I don't think it's fair on them and I don't think it's very fair on you either. Your children are going to get more challenging as they get older. If he's not going to step up and support you, then he isn't the man to build a future with.

To be clear, I think a boyfriend relationship is fine but only if you live apart (sorry - misread your OP and thought he had his own place). If he's living with you, then he's part of your family otherwise he shouldn't live with you

I'm now wondering why your housing costs have not come down since he has been living with you for the last 2 years? Has he not contributed towards living in your current place? That would also be a show of his reluctance to share equally with you financially, not just emotionally.

Deal breaker for me too ........ (sorry :( )

I agree with all the others. I think there are few things as liberating as owning your own home and that's what I recommend you do. I know you won't want to hear this, but unless you have an awful lot of spare money, I wouldn't pay for private education. I'd move to a place where there are really good state schools and save the money.

You've now added that you do not see his kids that frequently, despite him having them every Saturday.

That suggests to me that he really isn't that interested in creating a blended family - truly a family.

Which isn't wrong of course, and I am the first to gripe that my own XH only spends time with his own daughter when his stepdaughter (instant playmate) is around.

But if you were in a committed enough relationship to let him live with your two kids, how come you've only infrequently seen his? I'd have been pretty keen to bring together 2 sets of same age kids and do stuff together.

As I say, it's not wrong... but I do think it's a bit unusual and I definitely think it's an indicator that he isn't looking for "family" with yours.

In fact, I'm a bit that now your kids will have these two in their home frequently (because it's now convenient for him???) when they haven't had a chance to get to know them beforehand - by the sounds of it?

I really wouldn't contemplate financial ties with him. My children are lovely and there would be no room in my life for anyone who didn't care for them, or who behaved as if they weren't important.

I agree with most of the PPs. I'm also a bit puzzled that you haven't got a sense of how your kids feel about him, whether they think he likes them or is just tolerating them etc. How do your kids behave around him? What are their facial expressions when he comes into the room? Or when they talk about him? What would they say are the nice things / less good things about him? I think you might be focussing too much on how the finances might be easier if you buy together, and overlooking your kids emotional wellbeing a little.

I have been with DP for 13 years. We don't live together, but he stays over a lot (my adult DS is severely disabled so we have to be here most of the time) We go on holiday with kids. He is totally involved in our live(s), and can't imagine it any other way.

They see their Dad, but when it suits him, and he offers no real support so not unlike your situation. I'd be taking a step back I think.

I think it's fine if he wants to be a boyfriend and not a step dad - but live separately. He can be your boyfriend and a friend to your children without living as a family.

Op I was in a fairly similar situation to you, in that my dp's children moved far away with their mother.

He always was a lovely person who treated all around him well, including my kids. But there were definitely times I felt he resented his weren't with us, such as the time he declined to play football with my ds in the park which he wouldn't have dreamt of doing with his own; and he just used to make so much more effort generally when his kids were around.

I told his straight off how angry I was. The rational part of me understood his reasons, but the emotional part of me didn't. I found myself watching and waiting for him to slip up. But the fact is, one of my kids really liked him, and the other adored him. Having him around improved their lives as he did so much more for them than their own dad- but because he was so outstanding to his own, he bar was set high.

I took it very slowly. i think he eventually accepted he would never have access to his kids like he used to. I married him five years ago. He does parent my kids now, but there are different levels of responsibility and, if I'm honest, I don't think he takes 100% as he does with his own, and isn't as 100% invested in their futures, as is with his. BUT not too far off, and that has taken time- a lot longer than the 2 years your boyfriend has been with you. When I see him take more of an interest in and make more of an effort with his own, it still hurts me, despite knowing how unreasonable that feeling is.

But what would make me LIVID op, is him telling you he might opt out of xmas next year. I think that calls for you to put your cards on the table and tell him that he either invests in your children and you as a family, or moves on. Then watch him closely to see if any effort made is genuine.

Your children will feel his reticence to be part of their lives; but may not want to talk to you as they want you to be happy. Tread very carefully.

OP.

I'm with the majority of the posters here. You need to give this more time before making a financial commitment with him.

A few points

You were asked if you are under pressure to sell the property you are in now from your ex? Are you or can you stay put?
You say you haven't discussed any of this new set up with your DC's. That's madness. At 8 and 10 they will be more than able to articulate how they feel about this person being in their lives. You need to start finding out how they feel.

He may well be going through his own issues with his DC but as a PP has pointed out, what has he been doing the last few years? Why hasn't he set up an environment where he has his DC's with him overnight???

OP. There is no chance in hell I would be making a financial commitment with this guy. No one is telling you to dump him or end it but seriously? Alarm bells are ringing for me

Every day you are with him is a mistake.... This is going to end badly. You want your kids to grow up with someone feeling unloved? Why have him in their lives? He sounds like a selfish twat.

It is such a bad idea to buy a house with this guy. Take off your rose tinted specs and imagine what a nightmare this could turn into for you and your kids. Don't be tempted by that "lovely house"... The novelty will soon wear off and you'll be stuck with a guy who has no interest in becoming a family with you and your kids... Seriously the writing is written on the wall here.

Take a big step back. Think about what you're doing.

Am not sure you could call him a selfish twat, but if the OP is not happy with her dp's level of engagement then it's a fairly safe bet that the dc don't feel brilliantly comfortable with it, either.

Aside from the finances, it would have to be total commitment to the family and I'd need to be completely comfortable with the setup before I would even consider making it permanent in this way.

What Jolly said.
I feel very sorry for him. It must be shit to be so far from your own kids and feel you have to play happy families with your partner's children.

OP, your title says that he shows no warmth to your children, but in later posts it sounds as though he's fine with them, just not in a parental role.

Perhaps your children are happy with things as they are, it worked for me as a child and the affection (if not love) grew stronger over the years.

I think you need to be REALLY honest with yourself. I think you know what you should do here, but the material/ practical things are getting tied in...
It's not just you and him, it's your kids too. If they have someone sharing their home it should be someone who truly cares about them.

Iminshock- he doesn't have to play happy families; he can just tell the op he only feels comfortable dating and not getting overly involved with her children- let alone planning to move in!

You've said a couple of times you don't know what your kids think of your boyfriend - ask them. Your kids have to come first in this. Imagine if you had a daughter and her live in boyfriend treated her and her children like this - would you be happy for her/them?

What has it been like when his kids come and stay with you and yours?

I think that if you go ahead with your plan to buy a house with your DP you will come to regret it bitterly - probably 10-15 years down the line when the relationship has faltered, you've lost half your house, and more importantly you have DC who in an argument with you will accuse you of prioritising your DP over them.

I also think that it might help to realise that your DP not being step-father material doesn't mean you have to see him as a bad person. Asking someone who isn't the biological parent to step up and assume those responsibilities, and to not only do that but to recognise them as the privilege they are and carry out those responsibilities is a MASSIVE ask. Truth is, many people can't live up to it. It doesn't make them bad people, it makes them human. However, as the biological parent, it is a fundamental part of your job to ensue that if you are going to invite someone to live with you as part of your family, that someone has to be that rare person who CAN live up to those responsibilities. And you should never feel awkward about insisting on that.

Good luck.

Another set of relationships which haven't featured are those between your children and his. It doesn't sounds as if they spend any time with you so it would be a massive change for everyone to just start living together one day, without any lead in.

Realistically - if his children have moved 100s of miles away - how often will they be staying with you. It seems to me from the information you have provided, he will be by far the major beneficiary of this new arrangement and you will have just moved a bit closer to your oldest's school, which he could be changing in a few years anyway.
he may not want to parent your children, have you discussed how he will parent his and your role when you all move in together ? Who looks after his children when they are with you in holidays and he's at work for example ?