Scared of him leaving me

[Patheticfallacy]

This is spoiling my relationship. I have a lovely boyfriend of 9 months and he's caring and thoughtful. But I really love him and that's making me feel horribly vulnerable. I feel all clingy and insecure. I must've told him I loved him 4 or 5 times this weekend and he said it back but I'm just scared it's too much.
We've recently introduced dc and that's scary too. I'm worried in case my dc are too noisy or demanding or it just doesn't work . He's lovely with them and they get on with his ds. It just seems complicated and scary, because I think he's brilliant and I'm so worried that I'm looking at anything that might end it!
I'm criticising myself a bit. I'm too disorganised, not a good enough parent, not attractive enough. In reality I know he thinks I'm great, I just can't relax.
He left my house at 5 today and I know he had loads to do at home. But until he texts I'm terrified that's it. I'll never hear from him again or he'll end it. I'm not texting him yet because I know that how I'm feeling isn't rational and I need to work through it on my own. He'll be in touch as he's a lovely guy and I need to try not to suffocate him with my insecurity and spoil a lovely relationship. Help! I hope I don't sound completely crazy!

Good luck to you too bramble. I feel like there are a lot of us going through the same thing.
I just remembered that my mum said my real dad said to 'get rid of it' but she wanted me. So is it any wonder I'm frightened of rejection by men? I was actually frightened of men when I was little.

you're welcome!

Garlic that book recommendation is fab!

tough stuff, but vital that the "little you" inside understands that you don't ned anyone else anymore..you can look after yourself!

Rang him tonight and chatted about nothing. Was nice.

OP, as someone with a therapy background and who was insecurely attached [what Oliver James calls a "wobbler" in his brilliant book, "They F* You Up"], I would say without a shadow of a doubt that it is your experiences with abandonment in your infancy, and growing up in the shadow of that, that is now playing out in your relationships - probably especially with men.

Therapy. Whatever kind works for you, but therapy. That's the way through. And it will be difficult, and scary, and you'll want to leave (part of your anxiety pattern, which will by therapy's very design be activated in you, necessarily). But stay with it. Things do change. You can change.

.

I just want to thank the OP for starting the thread and the others who have contributed, I am exactly like this and honestly if I copy and pasted all the things you've said that I relate closely to, my post would be very long. But, I am like this.

I've recently started therapy for this and I feel positive about the idea that I will hopefully be able to sort this out. But oh it is hell in the meantime; the anxiety, the twisting stomach, the thoughts you are convinced must be true, not helped by having a rather good spidey sense in the past that has been accurate so you think EVERY thought must be bang on.
I so want to get over this and I will be looking at all the links and advice in the thread more closely later, so thank you all. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one. My dad left before I was born too, and my mum kept me even though he didn't want me, So I've got that as well.

Funnily enough, I've just looked this thread up again to come on and thank the OP for posting and for all the helpful contributions. Since doing the questionnaire last week (I'm fearful/anxious), and doing some reading, I understand things much better. In my case, I had a very secure childhood and honestly can't think of anything there that has driven my 'style', but I had bad experiences in relationships with men. Early on, in my late teens/early twenties I had my heart pretty badly broken twice, and then I expereinced real difficulties in my marriage to my late husband, and only now realise some of his actions were emotionally abusive, designed to stop me raising 'complaints'.

Anyway, the breakthrough came for me in realising that I have this inbuilt assumption that I will be hurt in a relationship and that, because of what has happened before, if I raise any concerns, or just ask that some things be managed differently, that this will result in conflict.

I've been seeing a man for around 4 months, and had got to the stage of being too scared to ask if we could plan our time a bit more in advance as not doing so was stressing me out a bit, and causing problems arranging things with DD. Every time I imagined starting the conversation, I imagined an argument resulting, and in fact I was probably planning what to say in a confrontational way.

Anyway, after reading everything on this thread I've started to think a bit differently. I said further up the thread that I'd realised this was as much about him keeping me interested as me seeking his approval and I believe this now. At the weekend, I raised the issue that was concerning me. Not in a confrontational way, but by saying ' how would you feel about......'. Well, guess what? Despite me being a bag of nerves about it, he didn't go off on one, start a mega sulk, or make me feel like I was the unreasonable one. He just cuddled me and listened while I talked, said he hadn't appreciated some stuff properly before and was perfectly agreeable to my suggestions. The rest of the date continued perfectly, and some lovely texts have been exchanged since.

I love Mumsnet, but I honestly think this has been one of the most useful threads I've ever read.

Sorry for the essay.

Ladylouanne that sounds really great. I've discussed something similar in counselling. Basically I suppress my feelings because I'm scared of rejection. Things have been better this week. Partly as my boyfriend has left half his wardrobe here so I've realised he's not planning on going anywhere!

Oh Ladylouanne. I am really pleased to hear that, it is great when everyone is on the same page

Hi

This thread is really interesting. I think I have abandonment issues, was put in foster care at pre school age.
Though think I've blocked it out as I have no memory of it.

My ex dh left and all my abandonment issues came rushing to the surface. I acted irrationally and my focus was only on getting us back together. To the detriment of my mental health. I now have anxiety issues and am separated.

Unfortunately the link to the quiz isn't working...

My latest niggling worry is that he's had an accident or something because he hasn't been on whatsapp since last night. I think that is because logically I can't convince myself that he is dumping me as we had a long chat last night and he's left loads of stuff here and told me he loves me. So my abandonment issues are emerging in a different way, something might have happened to him and I'll lose him that way it's unlikely though so I'm trying to remember that.

It was very unlikely :) Well done, PF!

Rum I just tried the link, it is working fine. I have to press it twice on my iPad for it to open.

I had a go, as I was curious.

Brilliant thread. I've had CBT and apparently have separation issues. So i've remained single for four years having been hurt too many times. (By family and friends and partners leaving my life, some in travelling and moving elsewhere and in bereavement, particulary 4 month old dd).

Its been a long journey and one has to work out why they feel the way they do and try to over ride it. Get to know yourself and what actually does make you feel secure.

In my life I learned that only me will make me feel secure.