Scared of him leaving me

[Patheticfallacy]

This is spoiling my relationship. I have a lovely boyfriend of 9 months and he's caring and thoughtful. But I really love him and that's making me feel horribly vulnerable. I feel all clingy and insecure. I must've told him I loved him 4 or 5 times this weekend and he said it back but I'm just scared it's too much.
We've recently introduced dc and that's scary too. I'm worried in case my dc are too noisy or demanding or it just doesn't work . He's lovely with them and they get on with his ds. It just seems complicated and scary, because I think he's brilliant and I'm so worried that I'm looking at anything that might end it!
I'm criticising myself a bit. I'm too disorganised, not a good enough parent, not attractive enough. In reality I know he thinks I'm great, I just can't relax.
He left my house at 5 today and I know he had loads to do at home. But until he texts I'm terrified that's it. I'll never hear from him again or he'll end it. I'm not texting him yet because I know that how I'm feeling isn't rational and I need to work through it on my own. He'll be in touch as he's a lovely guy and I need to try not to suffocate him with my insecurity and spoil a lovely relationship. Help! I hope I don't sound completely crazy!

Hurrah, Louanne, that's made my night!

So tonight I turned my phone off as my anxiety reached a peak. When I turned it on I'd missed loads of calls and messages as he thought we were meeting tonight. I rescued it by saying my phone had run out of battery and he's here now. Lovely as ever. I don't know why I'm like this.

You need to do something about it OP, it's harming you.

I think it's deep rooted. My dad left before I was born and wanted nothing to do with me, so I don't know if it's that?

Children can't understand normal adult complexities, let alone screwed-up ones.

We are born hard-wired to trust our 'significant adults' as all-knowing. If you, as a child, felt your father abandoned you because you were crap, then this will have infected your understanding of how relationships work and of your worth. You're grown-up now, but your adult self is formed by your childhood ideas.

Did your mum have other partner(s) later? What did she tell you about your dad and why he left?

I had one relationship where the guy declared love v early on and was extremely intense and then dumped me and became v cold and cruel. Then I had a relationship end when the guy just disappeared on me and even though it was a short relationship, that really affected me too.

So these people were screwed up, much like your dad.

I fear never finding anyone else like him. I don't think I could face looking again. He's so lovely that if he lets me down I'd never be able to trust anyone again.

Well, actually - you don't trust anyone now, do you?

If we have no experience of being loved sanely and reliably, then we're not equipped to respond appropriately when this is offered.

Have you heard the expression, "We seek the teeth that fit our wounds"? It means we look for partners we know how to handle ... and, if our relationship history taught us to be rejected, we will seek rejecting partners. This may not be rational but it makes perfect psychological sense. (I was raised by a bully who devalued me, so guess what kind of man I married?!) It's much deeper than 'choice', we actually believe all potential partners are like that.

If your deep-down belief is that all men are rejecting, then you'll naturally act as if they are despite evidence to the contrary. (I honestly believed all men hit their partners, and those who didn't were lying.)

It is possible to fix this. It's heavy going, though. It involves inner child work, which usually scares people off! But IF you want to learn how to relax in the relationships you deserve, this is what's needed.

How do you feel about that?

I thought maybe you could use this ... :)

I thought maybe you could use this ... :)

Oh, dear. Looks like Mumsnet's system could use it too!

Loving Garlics input on this thread. It's helping me too!

:) Bramble

OP - how are you doing today?

I have to thank you as I've found this thread - and particularly Mildred's and Garlic's advice - incredibly helpful. I've done the test and it turns out I'm a preoccupied attacher too. I read the link about understanding the needs of the preoccupied attachment style Mildred referred to and it describes me to a tee. Have also just ordered the Attached book. I don't feel like such a freak that I'm feeling so needy and I feel happy that I've got some things to help me start to work on it.

I have been with DP for three years and I actually felt very secure in the beginning but as time has gone on I've began to feel much more needy.

The part in the article where it talks about having a "spidey sense" for small shifts in a relationship really struck home. I remember my first boyfriend talking all excitedly about a night out he had and I just knew he'd met someone else. I thought I was being silly at the time but I discovered later he had met a woman and had a fling with her so it's not always wrong.

This spidey sense has been triggered recently by a number of things and it's made me feel really uncomfortable in the same way as when that ex was unfaithful even though it's a totally different situation.

DP started talking about a woman from work one day and I thought it was odd that he'd never mentioned her before as it sounded like they were quite close from what he was saying. He's also not that communicative about other friends (not just women), though I think he was more so when we were first going out together. If he gets a text message for example he'll look at it, often bash out a reply and not say anything. If I get one I tend to blabber away about it and tell him what my friend is up to.

I think this is just a difference in communication styles rather than anything sinister but I'm wondering if his attachment style is more avoidant. Also I don't know whether now that the first flush of romance has worn off all those little gestures that used to make me feel so loved seem to have stopped (random little notes hidden in my room, etc), which means that I'm questioning how he really feels about me. If I'm feeling brave I might ask him to do the attachment test too.

Anyway, sorry OP, I seem to have rambled on much more than I meant to but I just wanted to say you're not alone and thank you so much to the other posters who have given advice.

CHOO If he gets a text message for example he'll look at it, often bash out a reply and not say anything. If I get one I tend to blabber away about it and tell him what my friend is up to. -

This is my partner too and he knows about my issues and I have told him for now if he just let me know who is texting/fb messaging him then I will be ok otherwise my mind is in overdrive wondering who it is and what they say.
He still just looks at his phone, does a reply and doesn't say to me! I have checked them a couple of times (bad I know) and they are fine and then I feel so bad for doubting him.
whenever things have got to appoint where we really need to talk about the relationship and I mention I am just so afraid of him cheating he says he will never do that. If he is unhappy he would just tell me. so I have to keep remembering that to keep sane and not act needy all the time.

Readin this is quit agonising for me as it is such a reminder of how I used to feel (and sometimes still do) and it's horrible to hear you all in this.

Just a few points here, rather than rambling on forever.

1. YES, this is beause of your Dad. We learn how to talk from our parents and pick up our accent form who we are around. We learn how to attach from them as well...and if they are fucked up...we learn fucked up ways.

1. NO. This does not have anything to do with you. Any prick can ave a child. And sometimes even loving and kind parents can monumentally fuck up their children because they themselves are suffering and doing their best. All children are innately deserving of love and care. ALL of them.

1. For an idea of how deeply we react to being parented inadequately even as babies, please watch this video: and those of you with insecure attachment will be brought to tears because you wil remember you were that baby once.

1. Yes of course when you have had these attachment issues as a baby you will be attracted to people to repeat the pattern. Even when it is not immediately obvious. You are subtly drawn to (a) what is familiar (b) what you feel you deserve and (c) what you feel is repeating history so you cna mirculously "fix" it this time around.

1. As well as the booked that I recommended above, please also read Mr Unavailable and The Fallout Girl, and He's Scared, She's Scared as both of these books go very well to explaining what behaviors are OK, which are not, and why we ladies who have "attachment" issues sometimes go for men who mess us around. It is so sobconcious and often on the surface we are picking Mr Nice guy, but for some reason or other he is not quite fully available to us in the way we need.

1. our biggest fear as anxious attachers (or avoidant ones) is abandonment. And trust me when i say that the way to sothe fear is not to remove the belief that it might happen - because honestly - IT MIGHT. Your partner might lave you, cheat on you, hit you or stop loving you. It might happen. The important part is to honestly learn to believe if it does happen YOU WILL BE OKAY. When you believe that, the anxiety will go away.

1. As easy as it was for me to make point 6, and how hard it might be for you to believe, it DID actually happen to me. I spent my adult life choosing the most reliable men (a little beneath me perhaps) and seeking reassurance from them, validation from them and running my life around them. I only dated men who were obsessively in love with me. I finally got engaged at 35 to the most adoring, loving man imaginable who met all my requirements for constant adoration and you know what....two years ago heran off at 11.45pm on a Teusday with absolutely no warning and he never, ever came home again. Garlic among others, helped me through that 2.5 years ago and you know what...I am still breathing, I am tougher, i am better and I am so glad he did it because he wasn;t good enough for me.

1. You can't truly love someone if you are afraid of them leaving you. Dependency and love are very diferrent things. Being with someone with this fear on you will cause you to disappear.

1. You have this one beautiful life, please accept that you, me and everyone else is worthy. We are just inherently worthy because we exist. You can learn to love yourself enough that you no longer need anyone else to do it for you. When I say that, I mean literally learn to love yourself the way you love your children. Give love to yourself.

10. No amount of worry or fear will ever stop the worst from happenning. This is why anxiety is the worst.

Bramble - "I have to keep remembering that to keep sane and not act needy all the time"

Great advice!

I did tell DP that when we went away on holiday earlier in the year his constant emailing/texting/whatever he was doing on his phone all the time without ever mentioning a single person really bothered me so I'm hoping he might actually just talk to me a bit more about what's going on in his life!

OMG - Mildred, that video made me blub!

Sorry to hear about your experience with your previously adoring man - how confusing that must have been. Thank you for more great advice.

Yes to: 6. our biggest fear as anxious attachers (or avoidant ones) is abandonment. And trust me when i say that the way to so the fear is not to remove the belief that it might happen - because honestly - IT MIGHT. Your partner might lave you, cheat on you, hit you or stop loving you. It might happen. The important part is to honestly learn to believe if it does happen YOU WILL BE OKAY. When you believe that, the anxiety will go away.

In our last "talk" after I again said i was fearful he would cheat/leave, my partner said to me "ok, and say I did cheat, what would you do?" I said I would dump him but I would be sad and he said "yes, but you will be fine" and I agreed and when he put it like that I had a bit of a "oh yeah" kind of moment where I know i'd cope, I have before. It's just that I love him so much I can't bear the thought of it and especially if he was to leave for someone else! However, I do think deep down in me somewhere he really isn't the type to cheat.

I have been a bit better recently, especially over xmas and NY we were with each other all the time and all was good but today I have booked myself to a gym class and now I don't want to go in case he gets up to something when i'm out :s This is ridiculous! If he does go out it will be to see a mate or have 1 pint at a pub. NORMAL. But I assume he will be off out cheating. Urgh it's horrible!

I don't know where my abandonment issues have come from. I had a happy childhood but:
-My dad did work away for months at a time when I was a baby - could it be that?

-For 1 year I had to go and live with my grandparents (who I loved and had a great time there) as my parents set up a B&B and we had to rent out our home whilst my parents stayed in the b&b and my brother lived at my other grandparents house - could it be that?

-I started to pull my hair out at age 10 and still do to this day.

-At age 15 my parents went to live abroad and gave me a choice to go or stay and I chose to stay where I was (i has 1 yearof school left and had a boyfriend) and had to live with my other grandparents whilst I finished school

• The boyfriend I was with (the one I didn't leave the uk for) for 2 years ended up dumping me over the phone after he struck up a friendship with another girl. He had obviously been seeing her at the same time as me and figured out he'd prefer her. I was 16 and my heart was absolutely broken. This was around the same time as my parents had left.

Humph, feel sad typing all that out.

mildred have not watched video yet but i will. Also, I didn't see the link on page 2 for the attachment styles - thanks so much for that. Insightful!

Goodness, mildred. My relief when the mother re-started interaction with the baby was incredible! That little film certainly touched my ishoos

I've bookmarked it

Ok I have watched it now and it is quite shocking. But..how do i know if this is what happened to me?

I wanted to know if something happened to me as a reason to why I started pulling my hair out. I e-mailed my mum a few years ago and she said she had tried to think but couldn't think of anything.
I do know I wasn't breastfed and my brother was and also I have a memory of getting out the car when I was little and me and my brother giving a kiss to mum to say bye. She kissed my brother lips to lips and when she kissed me I thought she was doing the same and she said something about not kissing on the lips and kissed my cheek. I have alays wondered why she did that. I don't think its uncommon for a mother to kiss her kid on the lips when they are wee no matter gender? Maybe a bit odd when older but even then, not that odd.

For me, this is the most helpful thread I've seen on MN in a very long while.
I've been battling abandonment issues for a long time now in previous & current relationships. The anxiety can be horrendous.
Thanks all

Bramble

Does your parents leaving you with grandparents twice by the age of 15 for extended periods for their work needs mean they absondoned you?

YES!!!!

Bloody hell yes it does.

They quite literally abaondoned you my love.

Dos not mean they did not love you, but they left you. Regardless of what you wanted or the reasons or anything else, you're not supposed to be left somewhere else.

The video of the baby is not to be taken literally...but it shows the reaction of a baby to not getting the feedback / validation/ attention / love / responses he or she needs and expects and how within seconds this causes what is quite an extreme reaction.

This happens to us as adults too.

Don't sit there thinking there's something wrong with you, you just need to learn to attach more securely and manage your feelings and you will be great.

Sorry for al my typos. I gave up smoking yesterday and I am a complete mess of blurred vision and shaky hands!

Thank you so much, I'm quite overwhelmed by the responses here and so glad this thread has helped others too. I feel a bit better today, I think because I saw my boyfriend yesterday, but I know that the anxiety will return if I don't address it. He really does love me and is a genuine lovely man, so there is no reason not to trust him. But when I get into a state I convince myself that my thoughts are real.

I remember my mum working at night when I was young and I would sob myself to sleep, convinced that she would die while she was out. I couldn't rest till she was home. So I suppose this fear goes way back.
Factors in childhood I can think of - maybe my dad leaving before I was born. My mum said he didn't want children. She met my stepdad when I was three and had more children with him, much younger than me. So I felt like the odd one out. He was violent to me as a child, though he's lovely now
While I've chosen unsuitable men in the past, the man I'm with now is incredibly kind and thoughtful. I don't want this to drive him away.

Oh, great, your bio dad left because he didn't want children ... and there you were, the child he didn't want. That's tough

Mum going away to work clearly left you feeling abandoned night after night, each time feeling like it was proof you weren't worth staying in for - and like you were going to be left alone for all eternity. I know she had to go to work, and so does your adult self. But kids don't and can't understand. All they know is "mum's gone away again." I feel really sad for the little girl who sobbed herself to sleep all those nights. [hug]

I felt like the odd one out. He was violent to me as a child. You poor mite. It must have been so hard.

You could try writing your young self a letter, telling her you're here now to protect her? There's a lot more ideas in John Bradshaw's Homecoming. The book's best worked through with a counsellor's support, ime. You can 'look inside' on the Amazon page; you might decide you're okay to do it on your own or with support from MN.

Thanks garliccake I will have a read of that book.

Mildred thank you so much for taking the time to post to me. You are so right! I guess when ever i brought up the fact I was left was in a kind of matter of fact way and people assumed I was OK or that it is normal for parents to move country and leave their 15/16 year old in another country. I think I put on a brave face but hated it really.
This thread is helping me so much. Mildred and garlic..such good help and advice. Sorry to OP for using your thread. Mildred, good luck with the no smoking, that is a good move :) Good luck to OP too xx