Scared of him leaving me

[Patheticfallacy]

This is spoiling my relationship. I have a lovely boyfriend of 9 months and he's caring and thoughtful. But I really love him and that's making me feel horribly vulnerable. I feel all clingy and insecure. I must've told him I loved him 4 or 5 times this weekend and he said it back but I'm just scared it's too much.
We've recently introduced dc and that's scary too. I'm worried in case my dc are too noisy or demanding or it just doesn't work . He's lovely with them and they get on with his ds. It just seems complicated and scary, because I think he's brilliant and I'm so worried that I'm looking at anything that might end it!
I'm criticising myself a bit. I'm too disorganised, not a good enough parent, not attractive enough. In reality I know he thinks I'm great, I just can't relax.
He left my house at 5 today and I know he had loads to do at home. But until he texts I'm terrified that's it. I'll never hear from him again or he'll end it. I'm not texting him yet because I know that how I'm feeling isn't rational and I need to work through it on my own. He'll be in touch as he's a lovely guy and I need to try not to suffocate him with my insecurity and spoil a lovely relationship. Help! I hope I don't sound completely crazy!

Abandonment is definitely a huge huge fear

I wonder if it would be of help if you took the view that you have been abandoned by males who've played significant roles in your life and that there is nothing to fear because you've come through every time and have gone on to meet more men who've become the object of your affections.

Therefore your "fear of never finding anyone else like him" is unjustified and it comes down more to "I don't think I could face looking again" which is the type of the thought we have when we've become somewhat jaded after discovering that hope doesn't always triumph over experience.

Try to trust that 'whatever will be, will be" and that if relationships don't work out it doesn't mean that you won't go on to have more, even though the thought of having to start over with a stranger can be daunting.

In other words, stop overthinking and enjoy what you have with this guy without fearing that it will come crashing down or that he's the 'only one' for you and, instead of constantly telling him you love him, tell yourself that you are lovable and deserving of love from others.

Hi OP. Have you ever learned about attachment theory? I think you might be a preoccupied attacher! Possibly he is a little avoidant and he is just not meeting your needs for reassurance, which is what creates that anxiety / reasurance.

Try this test www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl and if you come back a Preoccupied you have your explanation for how you feel, and there are steps you can take to start to self soothe.

I am also a recovering preocupied attacher! you can get through it, but can't expect anyone else to meet your needs when they are a little excessive.

I am preoccupied with high anxiety according to that quiz

mildred, could you sum up those steps for self-soothing you mention, please? Just don't feel like trailing through websites.

that's to say I'm similar to you, OP, though not to that extreme.

Ok OP if you are like that then you are going to need a bit of help!

Our attachment is rooted in childhood, by around the age of 8 we decide what type of attacher we are based on how our primary caregivers attach to us. I won't psycho analyse from my bedroom here but usually if we are not "secure" attachers then we haven't learned right somehow.

So just to start off...try and do the test again from the mind of your boyfriend, or if you are confident enough ask him to do it. If he is secure, that is ok, but if he is avoidant then you have a situatin where he is a person who needs extra distance and you are a person who needs extra closeness. Relationships are a bit about meeting each others needs so those opposing sets of needs can be hard (but not impossible) to manage.

Secondly, the root of it is fear. Afraid of abaondonment, which from the title of your thread is obviously an issue. It's difficult for me to sum up in a paragraph, but obviously you CAN work through that. It's not easy but you CAN do it.

Part of that is a bit of retraining your brain, to not "read into" the fact that he needs more space that he is going to leave you.

Part is acknowledging that you are indeed "needy", and therefore understanding no one can fill that void but you.

Part is feeling security which I guarantee NO ONE BUT YOU can provide. This is the fundamental belief that you are ok, good enough, wonderful, loveable, safe and most of all that if someone DID abandon you, it would hurt...but you would be ok!!!

I think therapy is a wonderful place to start.

Books are wonderful. this one is FANTASTIC www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139 and I got it on audio book and it really helped me.

Techniques like mindfulness, meditation, exerise, keeping busy will all help with any anxiety but particularly this kind.

Makign sure you have a full and wonderful life outside your partner is important.

Learning to love yourself is something you can do by acting with love towards yourself the same way that you do to DP or DCS. Take yourself on dates. Buy yourself nice things. Say nice things to yourself. Surround yourself with people who make you feel wonderful.

These issues come from people with troubled childhoods or parents who were emotionally unavailable or in some way failing at their job.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You can stop punishing yourself and living out your insecurity and grow the ability to attach securely to your DP in the same way that you probably do with your DCs and friends. I am sure you don't worry your friends stopped loving you if they are a bit off one day. you are capable of this security in relationships and you can learn to create it for yourself.

Maybe set this goal for 2016?

If your DP is a good man, he will listen to this, and perhaps hold your hand in support as you work through it.

If he is an avoidant attacher, he needs help of his own! Possibly more than you, as those types are very painful to love as they always hold something back

And have a read of this!!!

the-love-compass.com/2014/02/22/understanding-the-needs-of-the-anxiouspreoccupied-attachment-style/

I texted him as I couldn't take it anymore and he's just had a busy day at work and has been really chatty and his normal self. I might go back to my gp as I'm on a low dose of sertraline so maybe increasing it might help. Anxiety is a horrible feeling. It feels like there is a hand inside me clenching my insides.

Great post, Mildred.
How are you doing OP.
Yep, anxiety sure does cripple you.

Have just realised the rest of my post has vanished
It was something like this..
Try not to let the anxiety take over & learn to recognise those feelings & work out the best way to help you calm down or distract yourself. Easier said than done sometimes but there's some brilliant advice on here (some of which I shall be taking on board too- thanks Mildred)
Take care OP

OP, maybe take a look at Love Me Don't Leave Me?

www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Dont-Leave-Abandonment-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00MCQ3M1E/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451995523&sr=1-1&keywords=love+me+don%27t+leave+me

I found it really useful - it's about fear of abandonment etc

How are you doing, OP?

OP, are you taking any form or hormone contraceptive? The pill, coil, injection, implant ? These can all have horrendous effects on your emotions . Please have a talk with your GP

I have the implant

I'm OK. Had an awful time a bit earlier where he hadn't messaged. Now he has and chatted with me as usual, but my head still tells me he's only being polite!! I'm not sure why this is happening, I'm torturing myself and it's silly. Thank God he doesn't know what goes on in my head.

There have been quite a few suggestions up thread about what might be happening here. What do you think? Do any sound plausible?

I think it's probably negative experiences of relationships in the past and perhaps just my anxiety anyway. I noticed that I'm starting to get anxious because I'm anticipating feeling anxious if that makes sense. So I'm thinking today - if he doesn't text by x time, I'll feel panicky and that makes me anxious already!!

Watching this with interest. I took the test and also came back pre-occupied.
I feel exactly the same as OP :(

I'm still really struggling with it today. I'm not sure why it's got so bad all of a sudden.

Are you addressing your anxiety? Can't remember if you said whether you're in touch with GP, counsellor etc.

Has anything happened that's making you extra anxious OP?

OP, I've been following your thread as I recognise a lot of what you say in myself. I did the test on Mildred's link and came out as fearful/avoidant so that explains a lot!

My relationship is newer than yours - around 4 months. However, like you, I've been constantly anxious about the possibility it will just suddenly end. My completely understand what you mean about predicting feeling anxious. There have been so many evenings when I've been thinking 'what if he doesn't text? I'll be worried then. Should I text him first? What if I do and then he doesn't text again tomorrow......etc etc etc'

I recently posted a thread here saying the only thing that worried me about the relationship was his lack of planning ahead, however other than that he has done nothing to fuel any doubts I have. He has been lovely, if a bit cautious, but I understand that given past experiences.

Having done the attachment test I've googled quite a bit about my 'type' and just understanding this has helped a bit. For example, I've realised that I am always thinking about what aspects of me might not be good enough for him, rather than what he needs to be doing to keep me interested. I'm also determined to be a bit more up front in future about what I need (ie a bit more planning in advance) and how I feel about our relationship.

I just think it will take a really disciplined approach to changing my thinking and it's hard isn't it? It would be lovely just to be able to go with the flow and relax and enjoy things.

I've realised that I am always thinking about what aspects of me might not be good enough for him, rather than what he needs to be doing to keep me interested.

Brilliant Well done, Louanne.

YYY, as well, to being A LOT more upfront about what you want.

A lot of us weird interesting people with preoccupied, fearful attachments spend waaaay to much time and energy on thinking (obsessing) about what the other person wants: trying to second-guess them, identifying & eradicating flaws within ourselves they may not like, anticipating their thoughts and wishes.

Disappointingly late in life, I realised that not only is this impossible, it's also dishonest. How the fucking hell do I expect anyone to 'love who I am' if I spend all my time changing & hiding who I am? And what do I think grants me such magical powers of insight that I know what other people think, want and feel - let alone know before they do?

During my early therapy, I had to write a list of 15 brilliant things about myself and 15 things I really want for myself. The first took me three days and the second a fortnight. I'd been putting so much effort into knowing what other people wanted & deserved, I had no bloody clue about myself!

I got the point.

This is a considerable factor in what lays us open to abuse, as well. All abusers aspire to have us thinking about them every second - they punish us for supposedly failing to anticipate correctly, turn every discussion into a discussion about them; force themselves into every corner of our minds so that no independent thought of ourselves remain (and then have a go at us about that, too.) Have you noticed how difficult it can be to get a poster who's in an abusive relationship to stop telling us about him and post about herself instead? She's completely lost any idea of her Self, becoming nothing in her own eyes but an accessory to her 'master'. Given that this is what a bully wants, partners with a predisposition to self-erasure make ideal targets.

The fact that most of us are ostensibly high-performing, dynamic and confident isn't that much of a coincidence. With a bit of practice it's quite easy to tell whose confidence is really a defence and whose is solidly rooted.

garliccake - I'm going to start writing my lists of '15 things' tomorrow!

You are so right about the risk of attracting abusers too. My marriage to my late DH ultimately became very hard due to what I now recognise as elements of emotional abuse.

Also, I am quite the expert at the confident persona. Partly because of the job I do and the need to appear in control, but I think I've let this habit slip into my personal life too and as a result I've struggled to make perfectly reasonable requests sometimes. The fake confidence thing also acts as a barrier to closeness I think.

OP, hope things are OK with you tonight.